Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About the time DH comes home from nights out

116 replies

Sadie789 · 31/08/2019 04:07

Sitting here fuming at 4am because DH still isn’t home from a night out.

Tomorrow when I am inevitably stomping around in a strop about it he will say what he always says which is what difference does it make whether he comes home at 130 or 430...

To me for a man in his 40s with two DC I think it’s just disrespectful to be bouncing in at past 4am. He clearly disagrees as any night out he has seems to go on well into the wee small hours and we have the same argument the next day, every time.

So is it just me being jealous and therefore U? Or is there a difference between coming home at 1am or 4am?

For context I am up feeding a newborn and obviously that is my main job at the moment so also possibly a bit resentful about that. I haven’t been out in ages, well over a year because of being pregnant. I am invited to all these nights out/parties and the partners etc are all there so I’m not worried about what he’s doing when he’s out.

I just think that if your night starts at 730 there’s no need to stretch it out to 4 in the morning every bloody time.

OP posts:
Alicewond · 31/08/2019 04:10

How often does he go out? And is he willing to stay home so you can?

Mmamabear · 31/08/2019 04:11

I'd be asing him what he's doing till 4am

Alicewond · 31/08/2019 04:13

4am is normally not finished drinking and avoiding home time by bar talk

Original poster
Sadie789 · 31/08/2019 04:15

He’s at a 40th tonight which is a house party, I’m not concerned about what he’s doing. He’s there with our friends.

Yes he would let me do it if I was so inclined but when I do go out I find myself watching the clock as I feel guilty about being out too long (even though chances are DC asleep and so is he). So I wouldn’t come bailing in at all hours. Would probably feel bad if I was home past 1.

OP posts:
CloudberryJam · 31/08/2019 04:16

You are not being unreasonable. Where the hell does a 40 year old go until 4?

DH tells me when he was a child he’d look at his drunk parents and think if he ever had children he have a bit for respect for them. They’re in their 70s now, both alcoholics. SIL goes clubbing. She’s nearly 50. For some it’s a way of life.

Rainbowqueeen · 31/08/2019 04:17

If he gets up with the kids, is fully functioning and gives you a break the next day then yes he can crack on

If not then no

The bigger issue here is that you need a break. What do you need from him to facilitate that? It might be several smaller breaks over a few days. Work out what you want and talk to him about getting it

Brot64 · 31/08/2019 04:17

Is he functional enough to help you out/spend time with you & DC the next day or rather couple of hours later? I would personally find it very annoying if it happened frequently. And yes there's a huge difference between 1am & 4.30am!

Original poster
Sadie789 · 31/08/2019 04:17

He does go out a lot though. Every couple of weeks there’s a night out or a party of some kind. Like I said I am always invited unless it’s just the guys which is maybe 1 in every 5 night out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadie789 · 31/08/2019 04:20

Yes he gets up with the kids and helps the next day although he is a bit of a fart in a trance most of the day he still does it without grumbling.

The argument is that he thinks it doesn’t matter what time he comes home as he thinks it’s all the same once he’s out.

OP posts:
Alicewond · 31/08/2019 04:20

So this thread named “About the time DH comes home from nights out” is about you wanting him home rather than any jealousy or worry? And he’d let you stay late out if you wanted to?

Then why?

Original poster
Sadie789 · 31/08/2019 04:21

Then why what?

OP posts:
hazandduck · 31/08/2019 04:24

I would say it wasn’t an issue IF you didn’t have a newborn! Does he help with the baby much?

My DH (30) does go out every few months and it often ends up being late, but he gets up the next morning with our daughter and is really productive on a hangover (if it was me I’d be a write off hence why I’m now teetotal!) I wouldn’t worry about ‘what he’s doing’ like you say he’s with mutual friends and I can tell by your posts you trust him. But he should be supporting you particularly through the newborn phase. Did he party like this when you were heavily pregnant too?

Alicewond · 31/08/2019 04:24

“Yes he gets up with the kids and helps the next day although he is a bit of a fart in a trance most of the day he still does it without grumbling. “. So he gets up with the kids. And also works all week and pays all the household expenses? Maybe if both partners worked he could have some time off to relax

hazandduck · 31/08/2019 04:26

Sorry I missed the bit about him getting up with the kids. OP has a newborn though so even if she works presumably she is on mat leave?

Original poster
Sadie789 · 31/08/2019 04:27

@alicewond - sorry, he pays all the household expenses?? I think you’ll find we both pay for that.

Even if i didn’t contribute financially what has that got to do with how late he thinks it’s acceptable to stay out on a night out?

OP posts:
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 31/08/2019 04:28

YANBU. At 1am, he can get home & get 6 or so hours sleep & be up and functioning at an ok level with kids. At 4am, even if he willingly gets up, his level of functioning is going to be poor meaning you will end up doing more etc.

I associate 4am finishes with younger people who have no responsibilities. Once you are a parent, you are a parent, 24/7, and you can't just disappear out all night, you have to put other people's needs first.

Original poster
Sadie789 · 31/08/2019 04:28

I’d also argue that I’m “working all week” and indeed all weekend too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadie789 · 31/08/2019 04:30

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland this is my thinking too. He needs to grow up. But when I say this to him he keeps saying what’s the difference re the time and I never really have an answer for it, it’s just not!

OP posts:
hazandduck · 31/08/2019 04:32

Agreed @Sadie789 I can’t stand it when people assume raising children (babies especially) is not a full time job! And ‘contributing financially’ well that includes childcare for this man’s children?

Brot64 · 31/08/2019 04:33

As it doesn't impact his ability to function the next day and you are not concerned about what he's doing when out, it shouldn't matter.

Some people party until 1am and some until 5am ( I do admire his energy levels) . Maybe his take is that you & DC would probably be asleep anyway, so he might as well be out as he's not missed or missing out on any time.

Original poster
Sadie789 · 31/08/2019 04:35

I’m not asleep though . Even without the newborn I would always have one eye open until he got home. Not sure why other than worrying something has happened.

OP posts:
NabooThatsWho · 31/08/2019 04:41

He’s obviously enjoying himself. He can function ok the next day. You aren’t worried about what he is up to. I don’t really get the issue.

Is he steaming drunk when he gets in? Or are his nights out more about socialising?

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 31/08/2019 05:02

Only way I could be going strong into the small hours like this on a regular basis would be coke or MDMA 🧐

shearwater · 31/08/2019 05:19

I'm with you, OP. I think it's ridiculous to stay out until the small hours on a regular basis when you have small children. You kick the shit out of your youth and get this out of your system before you settle down and have children, IMO. Even if he gets up with the kids the next day, they deserve more than a zombie hungover dad.

We used to have a lie in each at the weekend when the kids were little, it was my sanity. DH soon worked out that it wasn't a great idea to get hammered to the point of being ill or stay out late when it wasn't his lie in day.

alilstressed · 31/08/2019 05:20

If he is able to support you the next day following a night out, I see no problem with him having a late night out. I don't get that becoming a parent means that you have to have a curfew. And if when you go out you are feeling guilty about being away from the home so you don't stay out late, then that is for you to work through.
I have felt that guilt. It was only about me as the children were absolutely fine and sleeping.