About the time DH comes home from nights out

[Sadie789]

Sitting here fuming at 4am because DH still isn’t home from a night out.

Tomorrow when I am inevitably stomping around in a strop about it he will say what he always says which is what difference does it make whether he comes home at 130 or 430...

To me for a man in his 40s with two DC I think it’s just disrespectful to be bouncing in at past 4am. He clearly disagrees as any night out he has seems to go on well into the wee small hours and we have the same argument the next day, every time.

So is it just me being jealous and therefore U? Or is there a difference between coming home at 1am or 4am?

For context I am up feeding a newborn and obviously that is my main job at the moment so also possibly a bit resentful about that. I haven’t been out in ages, well over a year because of being pregnant. I am invited to all these nights out/parties and the partners etc are all there so I’m not worried about what he’s doing when he’s out.

I just think that if your night starts at 730 there’s no need to stretch it out to 4 in the morning every bloody time.

I would find it annoying if my dh told me he was coming home at a certain time and didn’t, or if he came in at anytime after 10pm, waking me and everyone else up. So when he has a night out, he always stays with a friend or goes away for the weekend. He’ll come home the next afternoon or Sunday evening.

That works great, no one’s sleep gets interrupted, and he gets to spend lots of time with his friends. But obviously nights and weekends away can’t happen all the time. He does it maybe once every other month or so, depending on how busy we/friends are. He didn’t do it at all when our dc were very young (like first 3-6 months). And it means I also get nights and weekends away too (not when dc were under 1 but I took plenty of time to myself after).

Would him planning to stay out for the night make it easier? Obviously it can’t be happening all the time though.

She didn't say it doesn't affect him the next day. My DP does this too, although he's 29. Did it loads when DS was a newborn. And then he's technically up the next day, but totally out of it, I end up dragging him round whatever activity I've planned and it's any excuse to whack Cbeebies on as he can't be arsed to parent. He's learnt not to moan but he's getting no enjoyment out of spending time with us and a lot of the time I just cut my losses and go out without him. YANBU.

He’s not taking cocaine.

Before I had kids I would have been up to the same time just drinking and carousing with everyone else. So no, he’s not on drugs.

He does get up and help the next day although not at 7am when the house wakes up. Plus I would avoid having him do any driving the next day so it falls on me to do runs to classes and parties.

I think like some have said I wouldn’t have a problem if it was occasional but it’s every time he goes out he’s the person who needs to be there until the bitter end. I suppose that’s a personality thing that won’t change. But I still think it’s a respect thing where he knows I’m at the sharp end with a newborn and he should have that at the back of his mind and feel an obligation to make some compromises rather than just partying on as though he’s completely carefree.

Also 8 solid hours of drinking? How many units is that and how much does it cost? A fuck of a lot. What are they unable to just go for a couple and then call it a night?

@Dandelion1993 ok you can call having a child a lifestyle choice. It is still bloody hard work. And a choice that the OP and her husband made together, so half the responsibility is his. You pay a nursery £50-£60 a day to look after a child for a bit of perspective and that isn’t even taking in to account the nights when they wake up umpteen times.

YABVU
What is your actual gripe? He gets up the next day and looks after the kids.

So, you don't Actually have any cause for concern and you too could go out if you wanted to but you choose not to.

I just think you're being really unreasonable and you sound really bitter and resentful.

not that I would want to stay out till 4 am either myself! but if I wanted to go to a house party, which DH and I regularly do actually, I wouldn't want to come home till 11pm or 12.
Yes 4am is later, but what difference does it make?

I still think that you don't actually have any complaints, any grounds for complaint. I don't understand this?

75% of the thread agree with you? Errrrr, I think not.

YABU because you are resentful. He isn't doing anything wrong or illegal, he's with friends that also invite you, he's not with other woman, doing drugs, he gets up and still helps with the kids etc. Are you are BF - he couldn't help with feeds anyway?
You guys sound like you have a good social network, maybe you should take advantage of it more rather than sulking at home with the baby.

I'm amazed that he can get up the next day after a heavy night! I would be a total mess!

I get what you mean though, I wouldn't be happy with that frequency with a newborn, it's just so consuming and exhausting, I would feel like I couldn't do it so it would bum me out a bit that he still could. I don't know whether that's fair or not!

Exactly @smeerf...

Also surprised how many of you think I should be out partying with an ebf 5 week old and a toddler to look after but obviously I’m U...

@tangled2 he gets up and claims he’s fine all day but he’s really not and I know he’s just soldiering on to prove the point that he can go out and still be fine. He knows if he lay in bed all day he wouldn’thave a leg to stand on for the next time he wants to go out.

In my view parenting is a partnership and both parents should have to make some adjustments to their lives to accommodate the demands of young children but apparently that’s unreasonable of me.

I sometimes stay out until the wee small hours (though not as often as your dh)and I'm 40 and have never taken cocaine in my life! I'm surprised that's the conclusion a few pp have come to.

It does sound like you're more frustrated that you can't go stay out (yet)op. If you're okay with 1am, he gets up with the kids etc then then I'm not really understanding what difference it makes to you if he's 3 hours more tired the next day. How would he react to kerbing it to maybe once every4-6 weeks and perhaps staying overnight somewhere for that night? Obviously you would get a similar thing when the baby's a bit older?

I'm not voting as there is two parts to this.

YABU for wanting him to come home at 1 as that is what you would do. You've both agreed he can go out and I don't see the difference between 1am or 4am. You not being able to sleep is a bit dependent imo.

He is BU for going out so regularly until the small hours (I also suspect coke is involved).

I'm not sure I'd like being in a relationship with a man who wants to check out of family life so much.

P.S reflecting on this a bit more, your worry about the time he gets in indicates underlying worries you may have about the amount he wants to go out.

My main problem would be being keft sat in on my own so often with a new born.

Doesn't it cost a bit too?

I'm loving how anyone over the age of 30 who manages to stay up until 4am must be on drugs!
I am nearly 40, love staying out until 3/4/5am and am the type of person to never want the night out to end. (Not to get totally hammered, never taken drugs, just like dancing). But I reserve that kind of late night for when our kids are sleeping over at grandparents' and I know I don't need to function until lunchtime.
It's not fair if your partner is getting in at this time every couple of weeks, especially when you have a newborn as you need all the help you can get, and pottering about like a fart in a trance isn't helpful at all. I hope you can get a decent talk with him and it improves.

YABU and a bit of a dog in the manger.

He’s doing what he ought to be the next day. You seem to have ideas about how he ‘should’ behave that you want to impose upon him. Why? As long as he is pulling his weight, why the need to control him so that he acts exactly like you do?

You say that you think parents should make adjustments to their lives to accommodate children. What makes you think he isn’t doing that? He’s getting up early and pulling his weight even though he’s been out on the lash to 4am. How is this not accommodating the children?

Tbh you sound like the fun police. As though you are jealous and resentful. Do you get to go out and have time off/spend as you wish?

OP, I think you are definitely not being unreasonable and I am giving you these too as I think some of the responses on here are unpleasant.

I completely empathise with this situation. Yes, he should be able to go out, but I agree with you - it’s as if his friends get the ‘fun’ version of him and you have the leftovers. Regardless if he’s chipping in the next day, dealing with an OH who often smells of booze, is a bit tired and grumpy and often ‘checks out’ of family life is infuriating.

It’s frustrating to be the one who it is assumed will always be the one to pick up/drop off the DC, who will always come straight home after work to accommodate the children, who carries the burden of childcare at the weekends.

I agree wholeheartedly that you need to make adaptations when you have a family - and I think those that are accusing you of being ‘the fun police’ are being unkind and missing the point. It’s not about being ‘jealous’ or wanting to go out more yourself, it’s about basic consideration for your partner.

He doesn’t seem like a team player to me!

40 year old who goes to house parties that finish at 4/5am not just drinking then!?
I’ve got no time for druggies tbh

Oh goodness sake, people can manage to stay up til early hours without drugs. Some of us are even teetotal and can stay up without alcohol too. How pathetic an assumption.

I think I know what you're feeling here. I had the same (if my assumption is correct).

It's almost a resentment that you can't go out and have lost your social life, but at the same time you know that you have moved on from that and wouldn't want it even if you could. You want them to "grow up" and feel the same commitment to the family as you do.

DH doesn't go out often, but I did get to the point of a few tears that I couldn't (the combined time of pregnancy and breastfeeding). It highlighted that I was a mum and that's all I felt I was.

DH was encouraging me to have a night off and when I did it reset me 100% (a night over with my best friend).

I think the first thing you need to do is work out why you are feeling like you do (in my case it was that I missed having a life of my own and felt like I was nothing more than a mum). From there you need to talk about it. I suspect your real emotion isn't about him being out 3 hours longer.

Good luck.

xxx

Unless he is doing drugs or going to lap dancing clubs or something, I can’t see the issue.

He is still getting up the next day and pulling his weight with the baby, and you say you aren’t worried about his behaviour when he’s out. So what material difference does it make whether he gets in at 1am or 4am?

Are you basically just saying that you’re envious of him?

Every couple of weeks there’s a night out or a party of some kind.

This is what jumps out st me. It’s not so much that he’s been out once and stayed out late, it’s that he very regularly nails out and leaves you at home to sort out the kids. He goes out once in a blue moon and has a late one? Meh. You’re in bed anyway. It’s more his carrying on like he doesn’t have a young family which I’d see as the problem.

Every once in a while is really not a problem. Every other week is a bit different so maybe there's a compromise to be had? And when you go out e joy yourself and don't watch the clock- otherwise you never truly relax.

I'm going out tonight and knowing the group I'm out with it could easily be a 4am finish ( without the aid of MDMA or coke as suggested by another poster) it's just we have a great time.

I don't believe you should be putting an age limit on these things. I'm late 30's, my DH is late 40's and I have a friend in her 60's and we've all been known to party until the early hours. So what? We're still responsible people and parents.