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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About the time DH comes home from nights out

116 replies

Sadie789 · 31/08/2019 04:07

Sitting here fuming at 4am because DH still isn’t home from a night out.

Tomorrow when I am inevitably stomping around in a strop about it he will say what he always says which is what difference does it make whether he comes home at 130 or 430...

To me for a man in his 40s with two DC I think it’s just disrespectful to be bouncing in at past 4am. He clearly disagrees as any night out he has seems to go on well into the wee small hours and we have the same argument the next day, every time.

So is it just me being jealous and therefore U? Or is there a difference between coming home at 1am or 4am?

For context I am up feeding a newborn and obviously that is my main job at the moment so also possibly a bit resentful about that. I haven’t been out in ages, well over a year because of being pregnant. I am invited to all these nights out/parties and the partners etc are all there so I’m not worried about what he’s doing when he’s out.

I just think that if your night starts at 730 there’s no need to stretch it out to 4 in the morning every bloody time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sadie789 · 31/08/2019 11:10

I also wouldn’t mind if it was occasional, as I’ve said I used to be there with him til the bitter end and I get that the party carries you away and time flies.

But it feels like the default rather than the exception.

And add to that he works away 2 to 3 nights during the week, which he claims is separate because it’s work...

I said to him this morning he has the ultimate set up for a man, he’s got to have a family with someone dependable at home raising the kids while he carries on the life of a bachelor.

The party never ends, seemingly.

OP posts:

Benes · 31/08/2019 14:12

Your latest update changes things massively. He is taking the piss. Occasional nights out, even if the do go on until 4, fair enough but this regular while also working away.....nah that's not on.

SignedUpJust4This · 31/08/2019 14:26

OP I think you need to open your eyes a bit. WTF is he up to? He's away a few nights a week. He's regularly out til past 4am? Where?? Nothing good happens past midnight.

AryaStarkWolf · 31/08/2019 14:29

Yabu, unless he doesn't pull his weight with the kids. He's an adult, you're not his boss or his mother

thunderandsunshine01 · 31/08/2019 14:40

Personally I agree with your DH there isn’t much difference between 1:30 and 4 just IMO. If he came home at 1, what is it that would be different that would make you feel better? Is it that you are waiting up for him?
You’ve mentioned he functions the next day(if a little groggy), he offers you nights out and a break which you’ve chosen not to take and most importantly, you trust where he’s been. If he wasn’t ticking those boxes that’s when I’d be concerned.
If anything (although clutching at straws), id be annoyed at how regularly he goes out whilst you’ve got a newborn together, rather than the time he gets in once he is out.

dollydaydream114 · 31/08/2019 14:52

And add to that he works away 2 to 3 nights during the week, which he claims is separate because it’s work...

It’s not really about the time he gets in from a party, is it? You’ve focused on that one thing but that isn’t really your issue. Your issue is that, as a husband and father in general, he is frequently absent and behaves as if he is single. Whether he gets in at 1am or 4am is neither here nor there - you’ve just latched on to that one thing when your real problem is the bigger picture.

Onetwothree4 · 31/08/2019 15:38

I get it. You just want him to be in it with you. Like a real partnership. Parents doing this family stuff together. What is happening now is the perfect way to grow apart when you have such different lives going on and such different priorities. You have no choice but to be at home, and even given the chance you'd just want to be at home with your family. And you wish he felt the same. I hope he grows up. He might understand if you keep on telling him how you feel.

NataliaOsipova · 31/08/2019 16:10

Parents doing this family stuff together.

That’s the perfect way to put it. It’s not about one adult telling another what to do; it’s about wanting to be in a partnership where you consider each other and put your family unit first.

wineandroses1 · 31/08/2019 16:56

So many cool wives on here saying they wouldn't mind and that Op is being controlling. What a load of rubbish. They have 2 children including a five week old baby! And he isn't there to help on his party nights - he's getting pissed until next morning whilst his DW is nursing a tiny baby and and probably getting little sleep. And then he mooches around in a stupor the next day, so not much help then either. He thinks he can be mr single man every other week (plus working-away nights) whilst she sits at home with the baby. That's not fair and she's not controlling.

fortunatelynot · 31/08/2019 17:08

FGS, people do not need drugs to be able to party till 4am!!

Tolleshunt · 31/08/2019 17:08

I’ve changed my mind, he is BU if he is away a lot and then regularly out till the small hours. He seems disengaged with family life.

I still think 4am rather than 1am is not the issue though. It doesn’t make a difference really. I would be focussing more on why he is going out and leaving you to it so often, given you have a young family and he is already absent for a chunk of time each week.

Hmmmbop · 31/08/2019 17:21

Reading your updates I think YABU.

he goes out every few weeks, that isn't often.
he's up, functional and non-complaining
he doesn't sat he'll be home at x and then turn up at y
the fact you clock watch and feel guilty when you are out is not an indicator that he should.

What does it matter? Do you have to wait up for some reason? Do you need him to help you? Does he wake you when he comes in?

I don't see your problem.

Settlersofcatan · 31/08/2019 17:34

I don't think the time he gets back matters if he does what he would normally do on the day after.

The frequency would be a problem for me combined with working away

BlueCornsihPixie · 31/08/2019 17:54

I was going to say YABU, it's not the time he's getting in that's the problem, it's the frequency

However your update changes things! He's never there! He's got two young DC and he's never spending time with you all as a family. Saturday nights out, Sunday's okay he maybe present but hungover

I think there's nothing wrong with the occasional night out till 4am, if Im hvaing a night out I want a proper one. And I sort of agree with him that there's not masses of difference between 1am and 4am when it comes down to it, but the answer isn't so stay out till 4am anyway, the answer is to go out less!

He's got a lot of cake and he's eating it all, he's got the benefits of a family with none of the responsibility

BlueCornsihPixie · 31/08/2019 17:55

He much time has he actually spent with his newborn baby I wonder?

Sallyseagull · 01/09/2019 14:23

So many cool wives on here saying they wouldn't mind

Woohoo! I'm cool! I've always wanted to be a cool wife.

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