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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About the time DH comes home from nights out

116 replies

Sadie789 · 31/08/2019 04:07

Sitting here fuming at 4am because DH still isn’t home from a night out.

Tomorrow when I am inevitably stomping around in a strop about it he will say what he always says which is what difference does it make whether he comes home at 130 or 430...

To me for a man in his 40s with two DC I think it’s just disrespectful to be bouncing in at past 4am. He clearly disagrees as any night out he has seems to go on well into the wee small hours and we have the same argument the next day, every time.

So is it just me being jealous and therefore U? Or is there a difference between coming home at 1am or 4am?

For context I am up feeding a newborn and obviously that is my main job at the moment so also possibly a bit resentful about that. I haven’t been out in ages, well over a year because of being pregnant. I am invited to all these nights out/parties and the partners etc are all there so I’m not worried about what he’s doing when he’s out.

I just think that if your night starts at 730 there’s no need to stretch it out to 4 in the morning every bloody time.

OP posts:
Ladyflop · 31/08/2019 05:46

Wow a 40 year old with kids staying out drinking until 4am?? I stopped this carry on in my late twenties. I could not be married to a man like this, such childish behaviour.

Kungfupanda67 · 31/08/2019 06:09

I voted yabu before I read the update saying it was every other weekend, that’s too much. My husband goes out every couple of months and doesn’t get in until stupid o’clock - he usually can’t function very well the next day either, and he definitely wouldn’t be getting up with the kids. But that’s not every other weekend.

I don’t think you not wanting to stay out that late should affect what he chooses to do though. As long as you have the option and you’re not stuck at home while he goes out. I don’t drink very much, because I hate being hungover, I’m also more of an early riser so I would very rarely be having that good a time to make me want to stay out until 4. But my husband and his friends often end up at a casino after a night out - if that’s what they want to do, crack on!

But if I could change my vote I would - every 2 weeks when you’re home with a new born isn’t fair.

Original poster
Sadie789 · 31/08/2019 06:11

He finally came in at 5... I had just put baby down. Now back up at 6. Won’t be tiptoeing around the house this morning that’s for sure.

OP posts:
MaximusHeadroom · 31/08/2019 06:18

Hey OP,
I don't think you should be focusing on the time he gets home. As you said he is an adult. However, you should be clear what your needs are and ensure those are met. My DH often goes out until 4am (our pub has a lock in). I don't go with him as it is not my thing. However, if he was then staying in bed until midday that would be unacceptable. We each take the 3 kids one morning a weekend and on the other we can stay in bed or do whatever we want untill 10am. I don't care what he does at night as long as he functions in the morning and fulfils his obligations to me and the kids.

He shouldn't have to go to bed at 10pm because that is what I prefer to do

willowmelangell · 31/08/2019 06:18

Is he home yet? He is being an U ar*e because he knows you won't sleep until he gets home.
Stomping around and repeating old arguments really is a waste of energy. Perhaps he can take the kids to the park later. You could have a nap. Then he could make the dinner while you have a bath, paint your nails, read a book.....He could just focus on being a full time responsible parent, like you have to be when he decides parenting is a part time job.

willowmelangell · 31/08/2019 06:19

oops X post

thinkingcapon · 31/08/2019 06:22

Total dealbreaker for me I'm afraid

Original poster
Sadie789 · 31/08/2019 06:24

I will try for the nap and bath later if lo will let me away for long enough!

I wonder if I can say 75% of mumsnetters think it’s unreasonable that you’re out til 5am as leverage... Hmm

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 31/08/2019 06:45

So you’re not worried about what he’s doing while he’s out, you think he pulls his weight with the children... but you think he should have a curfew?... just because...

Dandelion1993 · 31/08/2019 06:48

Raising a child isn't a job. It's a choice you've made about your lifestyle.

I wouldn't care what time DH comes home as long as he still helps the next day.

Morgan12 · 31/08/2019 06:56

You sure cocaine isn't involved here?

itsboiledeggsagain · 31/08/2019 06:56

I'm not really sure what the problem is.

That said my dh was out Thursday night til late and I slept badly waiting for him to come home. I kind of see that as my problem though not his. When I go out he tends to be sparko when I get back.

I dotn understand why people think life needs to end at 40 or when you have kids. It's a bit keeping up appearances isn't it?

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 31/08/2019 07:02

Leaving aside all the "if he gets up and looks after the kids it's ok" stuff, as this is fairly regular id say you are in no way unreasonable. It is important to have your own time, but not to the detriment of family life or your partner's happiness. You're awake until he rolls in, then up with a newborn. He's being a selfish arse. Are all his mates childless? If they are, I bet that if they start having children that level if partying will soon drop off. Oh and 4 or 5 is when my 20 year olds come in, when they can sleep all day after. He should grow up and stop pretending he's still young and child free.

AdriannaP · 31/08/2019 07:04

Yabu.
It’s not like he doesn’t get up and spend the day with you and the kids. You sound controlling and resentful. Why should a grown up man have a curfew? I would be very upset if my husband gave me a curfew.

I think you are upset because you want a break too and maybe that’s something you should address with him instead of giving him a curfew. Twice a month is really not that much either.

multiplemum3 · 31/08/2019 07:06

Yabu, he helps with the kids in the morning. He's a grown man he doesn't need a curfew.

BlueJava · 31/08/2019 07:13

I am not seeing the problem - apart from you don't want him out. You seem a BU to be honest. He looks after the kids, he does get up and help you, you aren't worried about what he's doing... you just want him in bed. That sounds a bit controlling.

Perhaps you should get a baby sitter and go with him more often if you let this fester I think it could be a real problem for your relationship which seems crazy, especially as you seem sure he is just socializing.

Sallyseagull · 31/08/2019 07:18

The only issue here is that you feel youte missing out IMO, not the time he comes in - provided the 4am end isn't making him completely useless the next day.

I'm actually quite surprised people on here seem to think there is an unofficial curfew when you get to 40, I can (and do) easily stay out till 4 when I go out, so does my husband. Sometimes together, sometimes separately depending on childcare.

I feel like some people here need to get out more Grin

Toastymash · 31/08/2019 07:22

I agree with the principle that it doesn't matter what time someone gets in from a night out, but I still voted YANBU because this isn't really about that. It's about you feeling hard done by that you aren't getting the same amount of freedom as him.

If you were being properly supported by him and able to have your own social life then I'm sure you wouldn't care if he occasionally stayed out until 4am getting merry.

user1493413286 · 31/08/2019 07:23

I think if it was 3/4 times a year i wouldn’t be too bothered but every couple of weeks seems excessive as surely even if he’s getting up he’s not on good form with the kids the next day and you couldn’t then leave him with them to get a lie in.

Alicewond I completely don’t understand your argument. The OP has a newborn baby and even if she was a SAHP what’s that got to do with anything?

BoomBoomsCousin · 31/08/2019 07:34

So what difference does it make if he's in at 1:30 or 4:30?

All your reasoning around this seems to be that you wouldn't do it so he shouldn't. But that's pretty poor reasoning, you aren't the same. You'll like different things different amounts. Allowing that diversity to be equally supported in a partnership is one of the things that makes partnerships so good. At the same time, if his being out the extra 3 hours is actually leaving you in the lurch in some way then that's a very different issue.

expatinspain · 31/08/2019 07:40

If he was lying in bed all day and shirking his responsibilities as a parents, then I'd agree, but I think YABU and a bit controlling as he isn't doing this. Is he really drunk when he gets back, or just a bit tipsy. If he was coming in absolutely shitfaced at 4, then that's a different story. That's too much on a regular basis when you've got young kids.

SoyDora · 31/08/2019 07:40

And also works all week and pays all the household expenses? Maybe if both partners worked he could have some time off to relax

Where did you get that idea from? I missed the bit where the OP says she doesn’t contribute to the household?

Hahaha88 · 31/08/2019 07:44

If he's up and being normal the next day it really doesn't matter what time he comes home. The issue here is you are jealous of him going out

Densol999 · 31/08/2019 07:52

Once in a blue moon for a very special occasion, its no big deal. Every two weeks is completely unreasonable. I agree with other PP's - almost certainly involves cocaine, hence all the regular parties thrown by no doubt regular cocaine users. Id be more concerned about that.

pangolina · 31/08/2019 07:56

If it doesn't affect him the next day and he wouldn't mind if you did the same, why shouldn't he? You feeling bad if you stay out past 1 is irrelevant.
If he was hungover all day and useless then fair enough, or you were suspicious of what he was doing, but it just sounds like you think he shouldn't do it because you wouldn't like it. He may have kids and be 40 but he's still an individual who is allowed to have fun.