About the time DH comes home from nights out

[Sadie789]

Sitting here fuming at 4am because DH still isn’t home from a night out.

Tomorrow when I am inevitably stomping around in a strop about it he will say what he always says which is what difference does it make whether he comes home at 130 or 430...

To me for a man in his 40s with two DC I think it’s just disrespectful to be bouncing in at past 4am. He clearly disagrees as any night out he has seems to go on well into the wee small hours and we have the same argument the next day, every time.

So is it just me being jealous and therefore U? Or is there a difference between coming home at 1am or 4am?

For context I am up feeding a newborn and obviously that is my main job at the moment so also possibly a bit resentful about that. I haven’t been out in ages, well over a year because of being pregnant. I am invited to all these nights out/parties and the partners etc are all there so I’m not worried about what he’s doing when he’s out.

I just think that if your night starts at 730 there’s no need to stretch it out to 4 in the morning every bloody time.

Jaffa those types of house parties are common in my circle of friends and we don't do drugs. Stop making ridiculous assumptions.

I actually think personally that it’s just not appropriate behaviour for a husband/father with very small children at home to stay out until basically dawn. I don’t really think OP you need a cast iron completely logical, bulletproof argument for why it bothers you in order to know that it does, and I’m surprised as a dad with a five week old baby he wouldn’t take your feelings into account and come home earlier when he knows it bothers you.

Everyone has things that bother them that they don’t necessarily have a unanimously accepted reason for that everyone would agree with. Sometimes it’s about how you feel. If it was part of a pattern of behaviour where you felt uncomfortable with loads of things, him seeing friends, going out, having female friends etc. then that’s a problem. But you seem pretty reasonable, are happy for him to go out, you just want him coming in earlier than dawn. Which seems fair to me! You have a five week old baby, does he not think you might want him around during the night if your other child needs something and you’re feeding or to sit with the baby if they’re full but grizzling so you can get some sleep?

I just think it’s disrespectful even though I can’t really articulate exactly why, in the same way many women would find their husband going out with an ex for dinner alone crosses a line (some wouldn’t and more power to them). Why is his need to be out those extra handful of hours more important to him than the fact it bothers you? I’m with you, I think it’s incredibly disrespectful.

OH was of the same mindset that 1am is functionally no different to 6am and stayed out until then a year or two into our relationship... it really bothered me, I kept waking up wondering where he was and what he was doing so late (as in, where is even open that late, not worrying he’d cheat). He came home and I explained my feelings the next day and next time he went out he was home by 1am and hasn’t done it since.

Whipped? No, don’t think he’d say so. I’ve changed things I used to do single that bothered him. We’re very encouraging and supportive of seeing friends, going away for weekends with them separately, nights out etc. but it’s a weird hill to die on that he’s so insistent on staying out until dawn when he knows his wife doesn’t think it’s okay and there’s a baby and a child at home.

Of course YANBU. He is out all night every other week with a newborn and toddler at home. Who cares if he gets up and drags himself around the next day? He's hardly going to be at his best. Not to mention still being over the limit for driving. I'd be massively pissed off and telling him to grow up.

YANBU - when is your downtime?

You do the kids all day everyday, he's still too drunk to drive the day after and one of the bairns is five weeks old!

As Barney Stinson in How I met your mother says: "nothing good ever happens past 2am"

And I agree!

And yeah... wow, every other week? What the actual fuck? Once a year maybe, once per fortnight with two small kids at home? You’re under reacting and he’s treating you like a doormat.

Yabu

If he gets up with the kids the next day and carries on as normal, and you would be allowed to do the same if you wanted to then I don’t see the problem.

It should be all hands on deck at this stage which includes him actually being there, sober and rested enough that he can take the baby off you at the crack of dawn if needed so you can at least get a couple of hours sleep, not only just getting home by then.

OP has already said he's not fine the next day despite what he claims. Personally I would want better standards for the care of my kids than being looked after by a still over the limit man who's had no sleep on a regular basis.

I completely agree that frequency is an issue here...but not the time. Every once in while a night out that goes on until the early hours really isn't an issue. I'm a parent in my late 30's but I still enjoy going out to clubs and dancing. Sometimes those nights go on until the very early hours. Why is that a problem? Why should that stop because I have a child?

I agree wholeheartedly with @NeedaDiscoNap

"OP, I think you are definitely not being unreasonable and I am giving you these flowers too as I think some of the responses on here are unpleasant. "

My dh used to be the same when dds were younger, he was always up the next day as soon as they were and fully participated in the day, although obviously no driving.

He’s slowed down to occasionally now and dds are late teens.

As you say it’s a personality thing, he always needs to be there to the end. No drugs involved!!

What annoyed me was spending lots of Saturday evenings alone and the disturbed sleep, as I didn’t sleep well until he was in.

Very pleased that time is behind us.

This is another things to add my list of reasons not to have kids, I don't want someone putting a curfew on me. I had one of those as a kid, would rather not go backwards.

I think YABU. I think you need to go out a bit more though, as clearly he is getting more social time than you are.

I'm the one who likes to go out and usually when o do (not often now) o like a late night

find myself watching the clock as I feel guilty about being out too long

Why? It does seem unreasonable to be annoyed that he's coming in at 4:30 just because you wouldn't - and that's what it seems to be boiling down to. It's not that you need him, or that you're worried about what he's doing, or that he's a wreck the next day - just that you wouldn't stay out that long.

Maybe if you could articulate it to him in a way that explains why it's a problem, he would take it more seriously?

I appreciate he's a man with two kids including a baby, but you seem to be okay with him going out, just not being out that late. Does it boil down to you feeling left out? Lonely during the night feeds?

Well YABU really, as you said he gets up the next day and is involved in parenting. But I dont blame you for feeling that way when you're at home with a newborn. Even if you were envious, so what? I've felt that at times with my DP too.

And like PP said doesn't have to be drugs lots of nightclubs round here chuck you out at 6, that's what time I would stroll in and I didn't touch drugs. OP you need to work on your guilty feeling when you're out, that's what is causing the resentment. Go out knowing your children are fine and stay out as long as you like

I am on the fence but I'm leaning towards yabu.

There's nothing wrong with being out til 4am, if I have a big night out I've been know to not get back til 6am. But this is only when the kids are at their dads. I certainly don't need drugs or even alcohol to stay out this late.
My dp always ends up getting carried away and ends up in a club after "just drinks" it always happens so I expect it. The only issue I have is i wish he would just say he would be later rather than saying what he thinks I want to hear. I couldn't give a monkeys.
If he's not completely useless after his night out then I really don't see the issue.

If he gets up with the kids the next day and carries on as normal, and you would be allowed to do the same if you wanted to then I don’t see the problem.

I don’t agree with the “equal time” arguments. The same point is often made when a poster is complaining that her DH is out all day every Saturday playing football or whatever; posters come on to tell her that she should go out every Sunday to balance it out. But the problem with this is that it doesn’t solve the problem: what the poster wants is time as a family, with her partner prioritising that, not less time as a family with her doing her own stuff. And the same rings true here. The OP thinks that her DH should think that being the father of two very young children means it isn’t appropriate to be out every other week until the small hours.....and her DH doesn’t think so. It’s a different conundrum and, unfortunately, much less easy to solve without resentment from one side or the other.

I would be OK with my DH staying out as late as he wants, but not perhaps every two weeks. Have to say when I go out I stay out as late as I like.

He wouldn’t mind if you did it... as in both went out together or he would be happy to stay home every other week with both a newborn and toddler whilst you were out until the early hours? I’m pretty sure it’s easy for him to say he wouldn’t mine knowing baby is ebf and so it’s hypothetical and just wouldn’t happen.

I wouldn't see a huge issue if it was only occasionally and you didn't have a newborn but it's practically every other week and you DO have a newborn!
He's being selfish and acting like he doesn't have any responsibilities.
He might get up and spend time with the children but he's going to struggle to function on any decent level if he didn't roll in until 5am!!! You have two young children who presumably get up not long after that. He's totally selfish.

I wouldn't be happy if my partner was carrying on like a teenager at his age either OP. I'd be anxious about him rolling in drunk and waking me and/or the baby for one and for two I just think it's immature and selfish. As a working dad with a young family how does he have the energy to stay up til 4am anyway? Does he use drugs? And I'd be wandering if he had a drink problem too to be honest.

Staying out 1am or 4am makes no difference to me if the morning after is the same. If he still does everything he is suppose to or he us equally useless (then tis a different issue) no matter the time the I don't think it makes a difference.

YABU. I have 2 aged 3 and under and my DH goes out twice a week until any time he likes. I didn’t until i stopped breastfeeding and my youngest slept through but i would be furious if anyone put a curfew on me now. Just because you are married you are not the boss of him. As long as he is taking his responsibilities at home seriously and doing his equal share it’s none of your business when he comes home. When your kids are a bit older it’s up to you how long you stay out and your DH shouldn’t put a curfew on you either.

I think it’s ridiculous that any adult should tell another what they can and cannot do.

I don't see the problem...but then I'm 40 something and can party till 7am without the help of drugs...which I do at least once a month. Really can't see the problem if you're not worried about what he's up to and he gets up and helps with kids the next day. I'd feel really pissed off if my partner told me what time I had to come home.