To find this friend so difficult??

[butterfly220]

[name changed, sorry for the long post- trying not to drip feed. I feel like I have an endless amount I could say as this has been bothering me for so long!]

I have always thought I was quite a patient person but I am finding this friend really, really grating! I don't know if it's me, and I'm letting it get to me unreasonably or if this would get on the nerves of even the most patient person in the world!

We work together, and I can't really change that any time soon and in our context it would be very very difficult to distance myself.

Basically this friend will stick to me like glue for the entire work day- copying absolutely everything I do. I find this exhausting and very irritating, but when I try and call her out on it she always says she has low confidence and isn't sure what she's doing so I can kind of see why the copying is coming about (although I think she's perfectly competent and intelligent enough to do it on her own). But I do mean copying absolutely everything, like snatching things off me to see what I've written to write the exact same thing. I find I'm really doing her job as well as my own a lot of the time because when we are doing something different she'll bring things to me and ask me to do it- and then always takes any credit for herself I should add! I know I shouldn't let it get to me but when I've done something she's asked me to do, then someone comes and says to her that it was great etc. She'll just say "oh thanks!" even when I'm right there. I have tried to talk to her about this but she gets very emotional and always ends up with her making me feel bad or unsupportive. I feel like I spend 90% of my time trying to make her feel better, I often feel a lot like her counsellor and go home very emotionally drained. Everything is always very centred on her, for instance when she had a review at work (just general targets etc.) and it went well I thought it was a great opportunity to build her confidence and I went on about how brilliant it was, reiterating all the positive feedback etc. We talked about it for ages. Then when I had mine, I came back and as soon as I sat down she said please could I not tell her what they said because she didn't want to know what they'd said because she thought it would make her feel bad. I said okay and there was silence for a while as we worked and then she said can you just say yes or no to did it go well? I said it was fine and then she actually said "I don't want to sound like a bad friend but I think it'd make me feel a lot better about myself if yours hadn't gone well". It's always very focussed on her. If anyone says anything that's not 100% positive to her (even just a casual neutral comment) she's distraught and the entire day is spent trying to rationalise it with her. She is very negative which I find very draining. She normally greets me every day with "how are you?" Then when I say I'm fine and ask how she is she says "not great, I cried all night again." She always says this very matter of factly and kind of expectantly waits for my sympathy if that makes sense. She does keep saying she doesn't think the job is for her and I said I did think she should quit if it's making her feel so down but then straight away she's saying I'm saying that because I don't want to work with her/ I think she's crap at her job etc. So then I spend a lot of time reassuring her that that isn't true.

I think I could cope with this if it was just during work and I could escape from it at home but out of work she will message me all of the time asking me what I'm doing, who I'm with etc. If I don't immediately reply she will keep messaging me question marks, then I get "I'm getting really worried now, please respond." Then phone calls! Even if it's only been 10 minutes since her first text. If I reply and say, for instance, I'm out shopping. Then I'll get a barrage of questions about where, who with, what am I buying. She also always tries to invite herself to whatever plans I have. If I'm going to a friend's house- she'll ask if she can come. Despite never having met my friend. I have to politely explain that it's really just a catch up with an old friend and I didn't really feel like I could bring along someone who my other friend has never met. I was going to see a member of my family for their birthday- she wanted to come.

She is happily married and does have her own friends! I thought maybe she was just lonely and wanted to increase her social circle and thought maybe that would help, so I invited her to a meal out with a friend of mine a while ago and I regretted it so much so I'd really rather not do that again. She cried because they got her order wrong, and this made my friend very uncomfortable. She behaved quite oddly throughout, just was very intense. She also immediately added my friend on Facebook (along with other friends of mine that she's not met) and now messages her all of the time, similar to the way she messages me. At work she also keeps bringing my friend up as "her friend" when talking to other people (she's only met her this one time). I don't really care about this but it's just so odd. She also sought out other people in my life to "befriend" who again she's never met, like someone I used to work with really briefly who she messaged and asked for the phone number of?? My friends then ask me about it and I don't really know what to say or how to explain it. The thing is, she is a nice person and I know she does struggle with her mental health (she is on medication and having therapy) and I do want to be supportive and try and help her- it's just getting harder and harder. I don't think anything I'm doing is helping her because if anything she's getting worse!

She's quite a bit older than me (I'm mid twenties) but I often feel like I'm back at school because there's constantly some "drama" she needs consoling about. I basically want to know if I'm BU or overreacting (as she seems to believe, when I've brought anything up with her) or if anyone has experienced anything like this before and has any advice for coping with it? I'd like to be a good friend to her but also can't cope with the stress and drama this brings if it continues unabated!

Do you have supervision with your manager? How do they check on the work environment? It sounds like they are quite remiss not to have picked this up before. Good luck.

Good luck for today x

Good luck for today!

When I read your first post I felt a tiny, tiny bit sorry for this seemingly frightened woman with issues beyond her control. Bollocks. She's not only taking credit for your work, she's actually told you her success depends on your failure and her happiness depends on your misery. She is many things, but she is not your friend, she's a parasite and she won't stop until you've lost your job and your mental health. I knew someone like this, she was nowhere near as extreme but she was constantly messaging me, sending me angry and miserable texts at all hours. We would exchange nice texts in the morning, and I'd think all was ok, then I'd get a load of abuse in the evening for not messaging her during the day, "I can't make you like me can I", "I didn't ask to be born", "I guess I need to depend on myself because nobody gives a shit about me" and the fact I worked during the day and couldn't be texting her all the time meant nothing to her. I couldn't actually mention work without her getting upset again because it was a reminder I had a job and she didn't. I couldn't mention any success, any holidays. We're constantly conditioned to be nice as it is, but it's harder dealing with someone where poor mental health is a factor because it's so much easier to feel guilt tripped into complying with unreasonable requests. Of course people should absolutely have empathy and be supportive of people who are going through hard times but it does mean some people use it to take advantage of those who simply want to be kind and decent. I guess the difference is, there's a big difference between reaching out for help and taking over someone's life the way your colleague has. Remember you're a good person with your own rights and you owe her nothing because she doesn't give a shit about you.

@CodenameVillanelle the OP hasn't said her job, apart from the partnering bit, but I wondered if it was something outside a typical office scenario - like 2 carers working together on home visits so there wouldn't be much supervision on the job? I can imagine a few situations where management wouldn't be "on the spot" as it were.

Hope today goes well.

By supervision I mean one to one meetings or check ins with managers to discuss the work, not being supervised whilst working

Just another one wishing you good luck today.
I wouldnt hold back with your managers, they really need to see the whole picture - if they simply deal with the out of work stuff they are not going to do anything about the work stuff, and any action / words they have will simply make the work stuff worse.
You need to tell them about the snatching your work to copy, and the appraisal situations

Hope it went play today. I think I would go for the grey rock routine. "I'm sorry to hear that" and turn away when she starts complaining. Ignore the crying. Ignore the messages. I am sure it will feel a bit mean, but she needs to stop this behaviour around you.

@skittlesandbeer

To point out that clearer boundaries might have prevented things getting to this point is fair enough - although far from guaranteed, because some stalkers attach to people they have never met and good boundaries make zero difference to that.

To tell OP she has worsened her colleague’s mental health problems and prevented her accessing better professional help is out of order, IMO. OP is a coworker, not her therapist, she is not responsible for this woman’s mental health.

In case you missed it in the OP, the woman is already in therapy and on medication. One can only hope that she has been talking to her therapist about OP, and that at their next session when she complains about OP ignoring her, the therapist has the wit to help her explore the dynamics of the relationship and why OP might have taken the steps she has.

OP - you may well benefit from counselling, to be honest most people would. But you are NOT responsible for this woman’s behaviour towards you - any more than an abuse victim is responsible for what is done to them.

Sounds awful but I agree with PPs that you have to toughen up and stamp down hard on this. She is clearly a psychotic nightmare and has picked on you because you’re putting up with FAR too much. Gather proof (call logs etc.) and go to your manager/HR.

Honestly, I thought you could have been writing about someone I knew and worked with, until you got to the married part.

I went through the exact same thing with someone I worked with. She was older than me and a bit odd, but I just thought she was a bit offbeat and she was genuinely funny and nice at first. I invited her out with some of my friends from the same workplace, they all welcomed her with open arms. Then I moved roles and worked in the same team as her and it all changed. She would do the exact same thing with the crying, the sobbing at her desk, mad mood swings, calling ambulances when she was out of breath and claiming panic attacks (as someone with anxiety I feel like I have a good steer on what these are like), collapsing to the floor when an organisational update happened at work that she didn't like. She drove me mad. I felt like I was losing the plot, and it seriously effected my mental health. She started making plans to see my friends outside of work, I later found out she would tell them lies about how I was being mean to her, leaving her out, bullying her etc. She didn't like me getting any positive feedback, yet wanted to show me off as someone she had 'mentored' (did she fuck). She had serious diagnosed mental and physical health problems, but did nothing about it, and it effected her work to the point where she began to miss deadlines and projects.

Eventually I was moved onto a project she had previously been working on and she completely lost it. She bad-mouthed me all over the business, tried to raise false grievances against me, tried to ruin friendships I had out of work with friends I'd grown up with, etc. She stopped turning up to work, handed in her notice 3 times and revoked it. When I tell people about it now they genuinely don't believe it, I wish I was lying!

So, just a word of warning, run. It's been 2 years since I left that job and I'm still paranoid about making friends at work because of her, and this seems SO similar. Just cut all out of work contact, block numbers, and in work just do the bare minimum.

I sent that next message without reading all your replies and honestly, the more you write the more it sounds like my situation. If it weren't for the married thing it could 100% be about the same person. She used to pass my work off as her own too, and be incessant about messaging and things like that. She would buy me random, inappropriate and expensive gifts for no reason. It builds up though gradually over time, and then you realise you're in a horrible place. This happened over the course of two years, and I eventually left the business (not because of this, but in contributed).

I would just firmly set boundaries as other people have said, and do not get drawn in. You cannot fix or help her, and you will only damage yourself in the process.

Good luck x

@alldaywatchingdragrace The „friend“ could have been lying to OP. OP never mentioned having met the supposed husband. And besides, since this person appears to be spending all of her free time trying or being in contact with OP, I doubt there really is one.

Hi OP

I have only read the 1st few pages but I could have written your initial post. I don't have any advice really but I'm in the same situation.

My colleague is about 20 years older than me but it's like working with a very needy teenager. I was warned by other people in the team that she had previously caused a another team member to hand in his notice when she accused him of sexual harassment and bullying which was investigated but never proven.

I must admit that I ignored them as I like to make up my own mind about people. She continuously seeks reassurance about EVERYTHING - and if you don't notice and make a positive comment about her new hair cut, lipstick, shoes etc... Then she storms off, takes a very long coffee break to have a cry because you didn't notice so you must be 'off with her'

I have several times had to ask her to leave my desk when she has sat there for ages asking me why I didn't like her anymore. I have also many times witnessed her take offense at innocent comments made by male staff - sometimes it appears to be an attempt at getting more attention but I have had to go to several meetings as a witness to defend someone she has accused.

She started phoning and texting me at home which I ignore and when she asks why I tell her that I don't mix my home and work life which I think pissed her off initially but she has (mostly) stopped.

She did look my home village up on Google maps to see if she could work out which house was mine when I wouldn't give her my address

I hope others have given you lots of advice. All I can say is make sure your manager and HR are aware. I managed to get my colleague some anxiety management and assertiveness courses through occupational health ..... They helped for a little while.

Hope today was ok for you OP.

@Quail15 that's reminded me of someone I used to work with a long time ago who would fabricate a reason to go lock herself in the toilet and wail loudly anytime management attention was with someone else (who genuinely needed it.)

You could hear her from the office. It was a massive relief to us all when she left. I often wonder what happened to her. Hopefully she grew up.

Op, hope you're ok.

How did it go today OP? How many messages were from her when you finally switched your phone back on?

How are you OP?

This whole thread has given me goosebumps, it’s like reading a psychological thriller.

I really hope you’re able to distance yourself and regain your own work life/social life without this person. She is not a friend.

Hope all's well OP and it went OK

Wow, the OP made me completely stressed 😫 hope you’re ok today!

I worked with an emotional vampire who wasn’t even as bad as this (but still pretty bad). She left and my work environment improved immeasurably. I actually dreaded coming in because of the woman.
You have to distance yourself as much as you can, but def speak to HR if you can about her copying work etc.

@twocanplayathatgame - I could’ve written your post. I had a friend who behaved in exactly the same way (also diagnosed BPD). Like you, the experience was absolutely horrific and I don’t think I’ll ever fully get over it.
OP - I cant state this emphatically enough - please be very careful. Do NOT share with this woman any personal information because if you try and cut her off at any point in the future she WILL use it against you. Also be prepared for her to cast you in the role of villain and herself as your innocent victim with everyone you know. And be prepared for a lot of them to believe her! I lost some very long term friends who just couldn’t see through the lies, these personality types always befriend the nicest and most supportive people because they know they’ll fall for the sob stories. Nice people don’t really believe toxic people are a thing, I didn’t, I do now! I eventually saw through my ex friend when her mask slipped and challenged her - BIG mistake. Don’t challenge and definitely don’t attempt any kind of show-down. As others have said - grey rock. And look for a new job. I mean that very seriously.

This thread has really stressed me out, it sounds completely suffocating. I hope work was okay today OP, and that you managed to talk to management.

Hope you're OK, OP.

Sorry for the late update, it's been a very busy day. I don't feel like I have a very eventful update for you though. My manager is off and we have someone standing in for the short term so I didn't speak to them about it yet because short term may be very short term and I thought it would be better to speak to the person who actually knows me/person involved and is more likely to do something about it. I don't want colleague to have advance knowledge that I'm taking that route until it's already being acted upon.

I've found colleagues behaviour even more grating today but I think that's because I'm finally over this barrier of forcing myself to be nice and patient (to the extreme of a doormat) and instead fully embraced that this is not okay and I don't need to go along with it. I have been much more assertive. I refused to help when it was demanded (she suckered someone else in to do it instead). I even managed to escape for some solitude for part of the day as I shut all the doors and reiterated how busy I was at every interruption. I completely ignored all of the "I'm feeling really anxious/stressed/upset." And "I cried again last nights" and all of the attempts to guilt me. At the end of the day I even said a very firm no to "can you just do x before you go."

I've had many texts since I got home, mostly outlining all the things I "need" to help with tomorrow. I've already done my share of all of the things on the list she sent, but she says I need to go through her half. I said I didn't think that was necessary but she said "well I would find it helpful so you'll need to." I'm standing my ground. It's a very long list. If I did everything on that list it would be my entire working day!