To find this friend so difficult??

[butterfly220]

[name changed, sorry for the long post- trying not to drip feed. I feel like I have an endless amount I could say as this has been bothering me for so long!]

I have always thought I was quite a patient person but I am finding this friend really, really grating! I don't know if it's me, and I'm letting it get to me unreasonably or if this would get on the nerves of even the most patient person in the world!

We work together, and I can't really change that any time soon and in our context it would be very very difficult to distance myself.

Basically this friend will stick to me like glue for the entire work day- copying absolutely everything I do. I find this exhausting and very irritating, but when I try and call her out on it she always says she has low confidence and isn't sure what she's doing so I can kind of see why the copying is coming about (although I think she's perfectly competent and intelligent enough to do it on her own). But I do mean copying absolutely everything, like snatching things off me to see what I've written to write the exact same thing. I find I'm really doing her job as well as my own a lot of the time because when we are doing something different she'll bring things to me and ask me to do it- and then always takes any credit for herself I should add! I know I shouldn't let it get to me but when I've done something she's asked me to do, then someone comes and says to her that it was great etc. She'll just say "oh thanks!" even when I'm right there. I have tried to talk to her about this but she gets very emotional and always ends up with her making me feel bad or unsupportive. I feel like I spend 90% of my time trying to make her feel better, I often feel a lot like her counsellor and go home very emotionally drained. Everything is always very centred on her, for instance when she had a review at work (just general targets etc.) and it went well I thought it was a great opportunity to build her confidence and I went on about how brilliant it was, reiterating all the positive feedback etc. We talked about it for ages. Then when I had mine, I came back and as soon as I sat down she said please could I not tell her what they said because she didn't want to know what they'd said because she thought it would make her feel bad. I said okay and there was silence for a while as we worked and then she said can you just say yes or no to did it go well? I said it was fine and then she actually said "I don't want to sound like a bad friend but I think it'd make me feel a lot better about myself if yours hadn't gone well". It's always very focussed on her. If anyone says anything that's not 100% positive to her (even just a casual neutral comment) she's distraught and the entire day is spent trying to rationalise it with her. She is very negative which I find very draining. She normally greets me every day with "how are you?" Then when I say I'm fine and ask how she is she says "not great, I cried all night again." She always says this very matter of factly and kind of expectantly waits for my sympathy if that makes sense. She does keep saying she doesn't think the job is for her and I said I did think she should quit if it's making her feel so down but then straight away she's saying I'm saying that because I don't want to work with her/ I think she's crap at her job etc. So then I spend a lot of time reassuring her that that isn't true.

I think I could cope with this if it was just during work and I could escape from it at home but out of work she will message me all of the time asking me what I'm doing, who I'm with etc. If I don't immediately reply she will keep messaging me question marks, then I get "I'm getting really worried now, please respond." Then phone calls! Even if it's only been 10 minutes since her first text. If I reply and say, for instance, I'm out shopping. Then I'll get a barrage of questions about where, who with, what am I buying. She also always tries to invite herself to whatever plans I have. If I'm going to a friend's house- she'll ask if she can come. Despite never having met my friend. I have to politely explain that it's really just a catch up with an old friend and I didn't really feel like I could bring along someone who my other friend has never met. I was going to see a member of my family for their birthday- she wanted to come.

She is happily married and does have her own friends! I thought maybe she was just lonely and wanted to increase her social circle and thought maybe that would help, so I invited her to a meal out with a friend of mine a while ago and I regretted it so much so I'd really rather not do that again. She cried because they got her order wrong, and this made my friend very uncomfortable. She behaved quite oddly throughout, just was very intense. She also immediately added my friend on Facebook (along with other friends of mine that she's not met) and now messages her all of the time, similar to the way she messages me. At work she also keeps bringing my friend up as "her friend" when talking to other people (she's only met her this one time). I don't really care about this but it's just so odd. She also sought out other people in my life to "befriend" who again she's never met, like someone I used to work with really briefly who she messaged and asked for the phone number of?? My friends then ask me about it and I don't really know what to say or how to explain it. The thing is, she is a nice person and I know she does struggle with her mental health (she is on medication and having therapy) and I do want to be supportive and try and help her- it's just getting harder and harder. I don't think anything I'm doing is helping her because if anything she's getting worse!

She's quite a bit older than me (I'm mid twenties) but I often feel like I'm back at school because there's constantly some "drama" she needs consoling about. I basically want to know if I'm BU or overreacting (as she seems to believe, when I've brought anything up with her) or if anyone has experienced anything like this before and has any advice for coping with it? I'd like to be a good friend to her but also can't cope with the stress and drama this brings if it continues unabated!

I’m currently in hospital with two people with bipolar. Their behaviour is totally different. One is angry and aggressive, the other is giddy and hyper. Because mental health conditions affect people differently. Not every person with EUPD is like this, so please stop with the armchair diagnoses.

Echo all the other advice to take it to your manager and above as needed.
Maybe tell her you've been unwell and resting this weekend without using your phone so that she doesn't go nuclear on you tomorrow before you have a chance to get your side of the story over?

Place marking to read in full later!!! Sounds utterly draining though and I’ve only read a couple of OP’s posts so far. Sounds a bit “Single White Female” and scary to me!

Be ready to record her if she has a go at you tomorrow. It could provide very good evidence.

Good luck tomorrow OP.

No need for luck, you'll be fine,
"Why haven't you responded to any of my calls"
"Oh I'm not answering calls at home anymore, I'm keeping the phone on silent outside of work as I want more tech free time, but you get to see me everyday at work anyway so it won't effect you!" End of no discussion.

I’ve got something to say that you might not like.

It’s been popping into my head continually as I’ve read this epic thread. OP, it would be a good idea for you to examine why you have allowed, encouraged and enabled this unhealthy behaviour for so long. As my therapist would say ‘What about it works for you?’. Unless you figure out why you like this weird dance, it’ll be hard to detach yourself. It has to be something deeper than just ‘I want to be a nice helpful person’. You’ve given her your time, your energy, your work, your private life, your attention in huge chunks for a very long time. You’ve endangered your reputation (with work and friends) for her.

Can you figure out why you’ve done this? Who or what in your past lead you to act this way? Are you playing out a childhood pattern, or trying to ‘right some wrong’ you perceive in yourself?

I don’t think you’ll get to the solution of this situation until you figure out why you didn’t just turn to her on Day 1, look her in the eye and say ‘I don’t find this appropriate in the workplace, I’m going to turn and continue my work now.’

If you truly think it just comes down to you being ‘too nice’, ask yourself if it is nice to help her spiral further into mental health problems by enabling her. Your unhealthy boundaries have prevented her from seeking better professional help- both at work and in her private life.

You have to stop thinking that boundaries are somehow ‘mean’, and that assertiveness strategies are scary or impossibly hard. They are actually wonderful tools that help prevent your exposure to crazy situations like the one you’re in.

On a practical note, you could consider therapy for yourself and be very open about it to HR. You wouldn’t be the first person to set boundaries by saying ‘my therapist says I’m not to participate in conversations like this with you.’ Blame your ‘switching off the enabling tap’ on your therapist until you get the hang of it for yourself?

Next time she turns to you, for absolutely anything, look her square in the eyes and say, " Look, I have to get some things done by the end of the work week. Why don't we catch up on Friday after work?" It is not being callous.

She must learn that to have a job, means she was hired to do her part. Not you.

Look at it that way.

Say, "How about we go straight after work on Friday. I think I can do that. I have a lot of work to get through. I am going to need my own space to do it. I am sure so-and-so can help you if you have any questions, but I know you're good without help, right?"

Then look down, turn around, and get to your stuff.

If she approaches you for anything, even a sugar for the coffee machine, stick to the script and she'll get it.

On Friday, ask her how her week went. Tell her if she asks that there are other department heads to help her get her things done, or more training if she needs it.

Remind her that you have a job to do.

People who try to reel you in on guilt can really pull quite a number on you if you don't get a stern line on their antics from the get-go.

Seriously. Just be matter-of-fact about the whole thing, and sit down.

It does not matter what she says.

It. does. not. matter. what. she. says.

do you see?

To her, it does not matter either! Her sole objective is to get your eyes off your workload and onto her beat; nor more, no less. Punkt!

Once she sees you're onto her ruse, the muse will fall flat.

"I thought you were my friend..."

highschool

again.

It. Does. Not. Matter. What. She. Says.

It is only to goad you into falling back in line. Like a toddler's fake fear and mad at sharing the toys. It really doesn't matter.

The only problem here is that you are feeling guilt.

80% of the issues on this board are people not standing up for themselves.

Just do it.

If she says she needs help, tell her to ask her boss, and the next time your boss is near, tell them, especially if she is standing right there. Golden.

She has to face up to her fears. Not you.

Skittlesandbeer

Your message is right on.

They look like two smart people on lacking in self-confidence, leaning onto the other one; one out of fear and needing to stay on top, the other one out of guilt.

Sounds exactly like two people in the ocean; one can swim, the other cannot. The non-swimmer pushes the other one under to stay afloat and the real swimmer can't breathe.

I hope they both get it sorted.

In my previous post I encouraged you to stand your ground.

But this is why...all I need to do is glance over your post and what I see is your acknowledgement that your colleague/friend is deliberately distracting you from making progress and a great impression on your bosses.

See it for what it is.

She and others in this life will play the "Damsel In Distress" card, so they can outmaneuver you in the eyes of the higher ups. And thus, don't think she is actually promoting your efforts in the eyes of your bosses.

Some are a lot better at it than others.

Bottom line, turn your back.

She will say whatever she needs to, to deplete your own progress at work.

Quietly tell management...anonymously.
Be prepared for her to try harder to de-throne your efforts. She is after your seat.

See it for what it is. A giant ruse. Completely fake.

Imagine:
One day, you are laid off because you were doing less work than others, and she got to stay because she knew all along all she had to do was to ride your coattails.

Then, would you say that you would have cut her off if you had known?

That day is now.

Anything can happen, but you can make it happen now, so the ball stays in your court and your place at work is safe.

If she needs so much help, then she may not be the best person for the job.

Even still, if she really did need help, that is not your job.
Even still, you should be focusing on your own work, and to do that, you can never allow others to distract you from what you want or need to do.
If they want to talk, do it at lunch or after work.

Tell them you can, later, or to go to a boss if they really need help.

And don't let anything lay around for them(her) to eagle-eye over your shoulder.

Sorry this is happening.

Just put your foot down. There is nothing wrong in pointing a distressed colleague in the right direction.

She is an absolute nutcase and get her out of your life immediately.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, you KNOW the truth.

Tell work she is harassing/stalking you, they have to deal with it.

This thread will be a real turning point, once you can see what she is doing you will become very strong.

Good luck tomorrow. Stay strong and don't bend or feel sorry for her. She is a nutcase, get her out of your life and don't apologise once.

Think telling her you had a tech free weekend is a good idea & casually follow it up with a subtle point about how, by the way, you couldn't help but be a bit amazed (& not in a wholly good way) that while away from your phone she had called & texted you however many times & maybe even mention that you think it seems excessive... could be a starting place for a conversation with her about her behavior.

Document, document, document. What she's doing is not normal and not acceptable, but as you've seen, she's extremely good at playing people.

It's very nice of you to be concerned and want to be accommodating for her mental health but you don't have to be THAT accommodating. However, document interactions, because you need to show you've been reasonable. You've got a sounding board here for whether things are reasonable.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" is quite a useful phrase. Grey rock, like other people said. Perfectly pleasant, but without giving her anything of yourself.

Good luck back at work today OP. I hope you're able to begin to enforce some boundaries!

I hope you get support from management.

From my point of view the first thing you need to do is tell her to stop messaging you outside of work, it sounds horrendous.

Wishing you all the best for today.

Good luck today x

Good luck for today

Stay strong!

Good luck OP

I also think you need to stop calling her your friend and refer to her as your colleague. It is a mind shift (you can still like and get on well with your colleagues but they don't have influence over your life; unless you let them).

Yes, the fact that you ever saw her as a friend means your boundaries need some resetting.

Hopefully all of us telling you that it's her, not you, will help you stop trying to be nice to her. She doesn't deserve it. She can see how lovely you are and has been exploiting that for all its worth. Don't let her leech any more.

Also, be careful today that she doesn't spot the change in you before you speak to management. It's uncanny how these people sense it and get in first with an attack.

Good luck

Good luck today OP.

You can edit settings on Facebook for specific contacts so if you can’t delete and block her from there altogether I would recommend changing the settings to hugely reduce what she’s able to see on there. You can hide your friends lists from her and customise which content she can see (Eg: photos, statuses, groups, events etc) - she will still have you as a friend but your profile will look hugely stripped back. I find this is a really useful feature for people you know will make a huge fuss if you were to remove them but who you don’t want to have access to all you post - to them it just looks like you don’t really use Facebook.

Good luck for today OP

AS OTHERS HAVE SAID, document everything, both in and out of work. Log the amount of text messages and phone calls, the checking and sending of work etc It might also be worth having a quick chat with her ex partner at work and finding out what happened there also.

Then take this all to HR and talk to them

I mean this kindly but your boundaries are non existent.
You are not responsible for any one else’s feelings, career, friendships or happiness! It is worth reflecting about why you might feel this way and have you ever had/ do you currently have anyone who has asked too much of you in the past? I expect this woman and those like them seek out people with weak boundaries- people pleasers. This could be a real opportunity for change in your life- once you have done the practical things that pps have suggested to rid yourself of her.