To find this friend so difficult??

[butterfly220]

[name changed, sorry for the long post- trying not to drip feed. I feel like I have an endless amount I could say as this has been bothering me for so long!]

I have always thought I was quite a patient person but I am finding this friend really, really grating! I don't know if it's me, and I'm letting it get to me unreasonably or if this would get on the nerves of even the most patient person in the world!

We work together, and I can't really change that any time soon and in our context it would be very very difficult to distance myself.

Basically this friend will stick to me like glue for the entire work day- copying absolutely everything I do. I find this exhausting and very irritating, but when I try and call her out on it she always says she has low confidence and isn't sure what she's doing so I can kind of see why the copying is coming about (although I think she's perfectly competent and intelligent enough to do it on her own). But I do mean copying absolutely everything, like snatching things off me to see what I've written to write the exact same thing. I find I'm really doing her job as well as my own a lot of the time because when we are doing something different she'll bring things to me and ask me to do it- and then always takes any credit for herself I should add! I know I shouldn't let it get to me but when I've done something she's asked me to do, then someone comes and says to her that it was great etc. She'll just say "oh thanks!" even when I'm right there. I have tried to talk to her about this but she gets very emotional and always ends up with her making me feel bad or unsupportive. I feel like I spend 90% of my time trying to make her feel better, I often feel a lot like her counsellor and go home very emotionally drained. Everything is always very centred on her, for instance when she had a review at work (just general targets etc.) and it went well I thought it was a great opportunity to build her confidence and I went on about how brilliant it was, reiterating all the positive feedback etc. We talked about it for ages. Then when I had mine, I came back and as soon as I sat down she said please could I not tell her what they said because she didn't want to know what they'd said because she thought it would make her feel bad. I said okay and there was silence for a while as we worked and then she said can you just say yes or no to did it go well? I said it was fine and then she actually said "I don't want to sound like a bad friend but I think it'd make me feel a lot better about myself if yours hadn't gone well". It's always very focussed on her. If anyone says anything that's not 100% positive to her (even just a casual neutral comment) she's distraught and the entire day is spent trying to rationalise it with her. She is very negative which I find very draining. She normally greets me every day with "how are you?" Then when I say I'm fine and ask how she is she says "not great, I cried all night again." She always says this very matter of factly and kind of expectantly waits for my sympathy if that makes sense. She does keep saying she doesn't think the job is for her and I said I did think she should quit if it's making her feel so down but then straight away she's saying I'm saying that because I don't want to work with her/ I think she's crap at her job etc. So then I spend a lot of time reassuring her that that isn't true.

I think I could cope with this if it was just during work and I could escape from it at home but out of work she will message me all of the time asking me what I'm doing, who I'm with etc. If I don't immediately reply she will keep messaging me question marks, then I get "I'm getting really worried now, please respond." Then phone calls! Even if it's only been 10 minutes since her first text. If I reply and say, for instance, I'm out shopping. Then I'll get a barrage of questions about where, who with, what am I buying. She also always tries to invite herself to whatever plans I have. If I'm going to a friend's house- she'll ask if she can come. Despite never having met my friend. I have to politely explain that it's really just a catch up with an old friend and I didn't really feel like I could bring along someone who my other friend has never met. I was going to see a member of my family for their birthday- she wanted to come.

She is happily married and does have her own friends! I thought maybe she was just lonely and wanted to increase her social circle and thought maybe that would help, so I invited her to a meal out with a friend of mine a while ago and I regretted it so much so I'd really rather not do that again. She cried because they got her order wrong, and this made my friend very uncomfortable. She behaved quite oddly throughout, just was very intense. She also immediately added my friend on Facebook (along with other friends of mine that she's not met) and now messages her all of the time, similar to the way she messages me. At work she also keeps bringing my friend up as "her friend" when talking to other people (she's only met her this one time). I don't really care about this but it's just so odd. She also sought out other people in my life to "befriend" who again she's never met, like someone I used to work with really briefly who she messaged and asked for the phone number of?? My friends then ask me about it and I don't really know what to say or how to explain it. The thing is, she is a nice person and I know she does struggle with her mental health (she is on medication and having therapy) and I do want to be supportive and try and help her- it's just getting harder and harder. I don't think anything I'm doing is helping her because if anything she's getting worse!

She's quite a bit older than me (I'm mid twenties) but I often feel like I'm back at school because there's constantly some "drama" she needs consoling about. I basically want to know if I'm BU or overreacting (as she seems to believe, when I've brought anything up with her) or if anyone has experienced anything like this before and has any advice for coping with it? I'd like to be a good friend to her but also can't cope with the stress and drama this brings if it continues unabated!

Get a new job. A new phone no. Move if you have to, I'm serious.

I know it's not easy to get a new job. But I don't believe for 1 second that management aren't noticing her behaviour. Its already happened with another colleague and they didn't care they just passed the buck on to you. I you didn't see it, but I think (in the nicest possible way) you were a bit naive and that's why she latched onto you.

Seriously, the text messages, contacting your friends, manipulating you by crying and claiming mental health problems. All very disturbing.

I wouldn't be waiting a year, her behaviour is escalating and I would not trust management to let me change partners.

This is quite good, OP:

lifehacker.com/the-problem-with-being-too-agreeable-1791893359

This book is referred to in the article:

www.amazon.co.uk/Power-No-James-Altucher-ebook/dp/B00JU5YAKW?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

shearwater
Thanks for posting that article. That sounds so much like how I used to be. Backed down to everyone. I was the family scapegoat and my role was to constantly appease. I spent a lot of my childhood trying to stay out of my brothers way and not antagonise him... or my mother. Now I’m a grouchy old bag.

Interesting how being too agreeable ousts you from a group. I have read it turns individuals off. I didn’t realise it did the same in a collective. Explains a lot of my life to me.

I don't think your work will let you change partners next year unless you let it be known what is happening.
She's obviously aligned herself as the vulnerable one in the office, she's already almost gone one do your coworkers almost sacked with her behaviour and when you mentioned issues to your work they just shifted some of her work onto you.
They clearly want to make life easier for them and see her as the one who needs support not you.
They will bend over backwards to keep her happy I think and if she says she wants to keep you as a work partner then they will keep you both together.

You need to get printed copies of just how many messages she sends you, of the messages she sends friends,
Start refusing to do her work, try saying you're too busy or you have a headache or whatever it takes, try telling her to go to your manager for help if she's struggling.

She will try to make life more difficult but you need to record everything, show HR or your manager and keep them updated on how this is making you feel and if they don't do anything threaten to go higher with your complaint.

This sounds utterly exhausting OP.

I'm going to make an assumption that you might work in education. Forgive me if I'm wrong but I do understand that, that might mean you can't just go to HR.

In your position I'd be writing everything down. Dates, times, comments, times she's contacted you or your friends. Write as much as you can down, like you have on here, because if you do ever need it (if she starts to realise you're trying to distance yourself & turns nasty for example) you've already got your ducks in a row.

You must let a manager know what's going on. Even if nothing can change until July they still need to know. They have a duty of care towards you and there is often a 'dignity at work' policy they need to follow. If you can't find a sympathetic manager then contact your union. They will listen to you and suggest ways to improve things. They won't speak to anyone at your workplace without your consent.

Lastly, please take care of yourself. It's easy to feel like you are responsible for someone else's emotional wellbeing but this is not the case. Good luck!

God, I used to manage someone like this. I’m going to go against the grain and say be cautious as to how much management and HR will actually do. I couldn’t catch her at bad behaviour because she was so cunning. And the victim stuff was phenomenal. It was very, very hard to deal with.

My employee was very vindictive. I started from a different place, as had firm boundaries and they did everything they could to make me look like a bully even so. I had to get some very strong allies to deal with the situation and it got pretty bad before anyone above me would really do anything. Most of the time they just wanted me to shut up, get on with it and leave them alone. The amount of minimising was phenomenal, because they presented themselves so well as a victim.

I grey rocked them until they left for another job. It was enormously emotionally draining. Three other members of staff left directly because of my employee’s behaviour.

If I were you, I’d leave your job. She may escalate outside of work and it will turn into full blown stalking or she might leave you alone. But get away from her.

I’m going to go against the grain and say be cautious as to how much management and HR will actually do.

I wanted to say this too but didn't want to stop you from doing anything at all and staying miserable. weaselwords is the very rare manager that will actually deal with a problem employee, instead of appeasing them for an easy life.

I think I also would look for another job.

I was the manager who tried to tackle someone like your colleague. Public sector, so long and drawn out.... However, the ground was pulled from under me as the complainant decided at the final stage she didn't want to be unkind to her, as she had stopped messaging her at home, so withdrew the complaint.
Not defending managers who do not tackle problem employes but it is gutting when this happens . contact your Union or ACAS for advice but keep a detailed diary, copies of texts etc- on your own laptop or on paper, especially the ones from friends asking what she is doing.
Good luck.

OP, before you go to HR, print out every text she's sent you, and back up the data in your phone to your home computer if you can. If you've deleted any of the texts ask your service provider if they can be retrieved from their system, and under what conditions. If they can they might only do it for the police or something like that.

Also before speaking to your management, contact the National Stalking Helpline to get their view on this. Unfortunately their opening hours will probably mean you need to take a half day's leave to be able to speak to them from home. Ask them if you can record that conversation for your employer, if you can do that on your phone.

Mentioning that you've spoken to the Helpline will let your managers know that you've taken independent advice. Keep your concerns to her behaviour, which you know, not her mental state which all of you would be guessing at. Your management might want to place someone in your office to monitor her behaviour discreetly on the pretence of working there temporarily.

I second the advice not to drastically change your behavour towards her, in case it alerts her to something else going on.

Finally, and sorry to have to say this, but your HR department's role is not to protect you, it's to protect your employer. This is why you need as much evidence as possible on paper.

You're in a very difficult, and possibly dangerous, situation. I wish you well with this. Stay safe. Hugs to you.

Her name isn't Jane is it???

Seriously, this is horrendous behaviour. But keep texts/note phone calls/journal incidents of her turn up and checking in you etc. They are all stalking behaviours. Arm yourself and go to HR in the first instance.

Keep a diary of your time that she takes up, with a note of what it was she wanted each time. It sounds like even just a week will show she's taking up an unacceptable amount of your time, plus you having to do some of her workload too.

I've had some nightmares at work over the years, but nothing like this.

I don't believe what your manager told you about her having had a rough time, either. Do you and she have access to each other's computer files? What about paper files?

I think you should go to HR and ask that they sit in when you speak to her to discuss what's been going - that way you will have a witness if she tries to make up lies about you as per her previous ex colleague

She sounds like a stalker....

If you haven't responded to any of her calls and messages all weekend you may want to prepare for her to unleash the beast at work on Monday.

@Apolloanddaphne is absolutely right,, tomorrow morning's not going to be easy.

She's probably going to "confront" you and demand to know why you didn't respond to her messages. In your shoes, I'd say that you were really busy this weekend and barely glanced at your phone. Don't explain further.

Then nip off to the loo and make notes on what she said and how long it took. I know that sounds weird, but it would be a concrete example to share with HR, i.e. she sent me 20/30/40 messages over the weekend and then spent 15 minutes of the workday demanding to know why I didn't respond to them. Repeat if she does it again during the week.

Fingers crossed she doesn't do this to you, but I have a nasty feeling that tomorrow will be awkward.

Good luck for tomorrow, keep us updated.

I'm HR and I've dealt with some craziness in my time (and got them out).

The advice from @BigDudeDog and @AmIRightOrAMeringue is spot on.

I'd list out absolutely everything that's happened. Phone records, what's happened with friends, any work evidence etc and take it to hr. You are being harassed and they need to take it seriously. Ask them to formally record your concerns.

While this is worthy of raising a grievance, you probably need some evidence that you've told her the contact outside work is unwelcome - do this once you've spoken to hr.

Don't change your behaviour towards her in the meantime. The minute she gets a sniff that you're losing tolerance, she'll fabricate and raise something against you, which will make the whole thing far harder.

The only way to deal with these people and win is to build a really solid case before you act, gather any allies you can and then blindside them. It's not pleasant but you can't live like this nor pass the issue to anyone else.

Hi OP please check out this series of videos about how to deal with narcissists.

Don't know if she's a narcissist or not, but she certainly exhibits some of the behaviour and some of the techniques this guy discusses may be useful.

He's also very entertaining with a fabulous drawling accent.

@lellymckelly It was ringing very much like BPD to me as well (again not at all qualified!)

vampirish death eating nightmare. Get rid, move on and start breathing easy again x

Not looking forward to tomorrow at all- phone buzzing right now as I type this I just wanted to do a quick post to say thank you so much for all of the really kind and helpful replies. I was really worried about posting and wary of the responses but it has helped so much to have your support. I've been struggling with this for so long but I really felt like it was me not handling her well (which I probably haven't but I really wasn't sure what to do) or being irrationally irritated and not considerate enough of her mental health- she makes me feel like such a shit person at times when I'm not going along with what she wants! It's given me such a huge boost of confidence in dealing with this to know I'm not alone and I'm not being unkind by calling her out on this. I did think maybe she can't help it but the more I have talked about it on here with everyone the more I see it is intentional and manipulative.

I don't have a HR department I can go to, but there is management. I am determined not to end up like ex-partner and feel like I have more of a plan of action now- rather than helplessness. Thank you so much to everyone who has posted!

Put her behaviour and the comments she has made, in writing, so they can’t talk over you. If they’ve put her into you because they thought you were a soft touch, they may try to talk you down. Don’t.back.diwn!

Remember act normal TIL it's all in writing. Good luck.

Can I just say, I have EUPD and have NEVER acted like this. “Sounds like classic EUPD” what utter bollocks. Unless you are a psychiatrist you are in no position to make assumptions about mental health conditions.

This is exactly the negative stigma and discrimination that sufferers of this disorder have to face. Some people with EUPD might have problems maintaining boundaries, but that doesn’t speak for every person. That’s why there’s nothing about this in the diagnostic criteria.

(For anyone wondering EUPD is the newer term for BPD).