To find this friend so difficult??

[butterfly220]

[name changed, sorry for the long post- trying not to drip feed. I feel like I have an endless amount I could say as this has been bothering me for so long!]

I have always thought I was quite a patient person but I am finding this friend really, really grating! I don't know if it's me, and I'm letting it get to me unreasonably or if this would get on the nerves of even the most patient person in the world!

We work together, and I can't really change that any time soon and in our context it would be very very difficult to distance myself.

Basically this friend will stick to me like glue for the entire work day- copying absolutely everything I do. I find this exhausting and very irritating, but when I try and call her out on it she always says she has low confidence and isn't sure what she's doing so I can kind of see why the copying is coming about (although I think she's perfectly competent and intelligent enough to do it on her own). But I do mean copying absolutely everything, like snatching things off me to see what I've written to write the exact same thing. I find I'm really doing her job as well as my own a lot of the time because when we are doing something different she'll bring things to me and ask me to do it- and then always takes any credit for herself I should add! I know I shouldn't let it get to me but when I've done something she's asked me to do, then someone comes and says to her that it was great etc. She'll just say "oh thanks!" even when I'm right there. I have tried to talk to her about this but she gets very emotional and always ends up with her making me feel bad or unsupportive. I feel like I spend 90% of my time trying to make her feel better, I often feel a lot like her counsellor and go home very emotionally drained. Everything is always very centred on her, for instance when she had a review at work (just general targets etc.) and it went well I thought it was a great opportunity to build her confidence and I went on about how brilliant it was, reiterating all the positive feedback etc. We talked about it for ages. Then when I had mine, I came back and as soon as I sat down she said please could I not tell her what they said because she didn't want to know what they'd said because she thought it would make her feel bad. I said okay and there was silence for a while as we worked and then she said can you just say yes or no to did it go well? I said it was fine and then she actually said "I don't want to sound like a bad friend but I think it'd make me feel a lot better about myself if yours hadn't gone well". It's always very focussed on her. If anyone says anything that's not 100% positive to her (even just a casual neutral comment) she's distraught and the entire day is spent trying to rationalise it with her. She is very negative which I find very draining. She normally greets me every day with "how are you?" Then when I say I'm fine and ask how she is she says "not great, I cried all night again." She always says this very matter of factly and kind of expectantly waits for my sympathy if that makes sense. She does keep saying she doesn't think the job is for her and I said I did think she should quit if it's making her feel so down but then straight away she's saying I'm saying that because I don't want to work with her/ I think she's crap at her job etc. So then I spend a lot of time reassuring her that that isn't true.

I think I could cope with this if it was just during work and I could escape from it at home but out of work she will message me all of the time asking me what I'm doing, who I'm with etc. If I don't immediately reply she will keep messaging me question marks, then I get "I'm getting really worried now, please respond." Then phone calls! Even if it's only been 10 minutes since her first text. If I reply and say, for instance, I'm out shopping. Then I'll get a barrage of questions about where, who with, what am I buying. She also always tries to invite herself to whatever plans I have. If I'm going to a friend's house- she'll ask if she can come. Despite never having met my friend. I have to politely explain that it's really just a catch up with an old friend and I didn't really feel like I could bring along someone who my other friend has never met. I was going to see a member of my family for their birthday- she wanted to come.

She is happily married and does have her own friends! I thought maybe she was just lonely and wanted to increase her social circle and thought maybe that would help, so I invited her to a meal out with a friend of mine a while ago and I regretted it so much so I'd really rather not do that again. She cried because they got her order wrong, and this made my friend very uncomfortable. She behaved quite oddly throughout, just was very intense. She also immediately added my friend on Facebook (along with other friends of mine that she's not met) and now messages her all of the time, similar to the way she messages me. At work she also keeps bringing my friend up as "her friend" when talking to other people (she's only met her this one time). I don't really care about this but it's just so odd. She also sought out other people in my life to "befriend" who again she's never met, like someone I used to work with really briefly who she messaged and asked for the phone number of?? My friends then ask me about it and I don't really know what to say or how to explain it. The thing is, she is a nice person and I know she does struggle with her mental health (she is on medication and having therapy) and I do want to be supportive and try and help her- it's just getting harder and harder. I don't think anything I'm doing is helping her because if anything she's getting worse!

She's quite a bit older than me (I'm mid twenties) but I often feel like I'm back at school because there's constantly some "drama" she needs consoling about. I basically want to know if I'm BU or overreacting (as she seems to believe, when I've brought anything up with her) or if anyone has experienced anything like this before and has any advice for coping with it? I'd like to be a good friend to her but also can't cope with the stress and drama this brings if it continues unabated!

Butterfly really hope all is going ok with this situation and that the meeting was helpful to you.

How’s it going OP? Hope you’ve managed to move forward with this?

Hope you're ok @butterfly220 x

It doesn't look like OP's coming back.

I'm very sorry for the delayed post. I feel like I have a proper update for you, lots has happened today!

So firstly, the meeting last week was fine, but not particularly productive in terms of immediate action. It was such a relief to finally say what's been happening, and also as a protective measure to know if things suddenly turned this had already been documented. However, I knew they wouldn't sack her or be able to change our current working partnership so in that way, there wasn't that much of a result. Other than it being documented, there wasn't that much of an outcome. I felt a little deflated really and I didn't post as I knew everyone would say if they were not going to do anything about it then it was time for me to look for another job. Apart from colleague, I absolutely love my job. It's my dream job, and I can't really describe without outing what I do but there's people my leaving would affect and I would feel I was letting them down. Also I would have felt like I was being forced out of my dream job. I haven't done anything wrong, I really didn't want to sacrifice my job.

Anyway, colleague was then supposed to have a meeting with management today (following my meeting last week. This was the only resulting "action" really). Colleague did not come in, and has instead been signed off on sick leave for stress. This meant I had a day entirely colleague-free for the first time in a very long time (apart from all the messages, but I can ignore). It also means colleague will not be back for at least a couple of weeks. I will have to take on her workload in the meantime but that won't really make a change. It was honestly liberating. The change was unbelievable.

I am slightly concerned colleague is going to pin her "stress" onto me, but at least because I spoke up last week it's documented now.

Even better, some of my colleagues now know some of what's been happening and have been so so so supportive and lovely and amazing. I hadn't confided the extent to any of them because at first it felt really disloyal because I thought of colleague as a friend. Then when I stopped seeing through rose tinted glasses, I hesitated because colleague is very good to "collecting people" (this is just how it feels. She collects information about people too and always wants to know everything about everyone. She goes out of her way to befriend everyone and get everyone on side) and because she is so nice and friendly at first everyone thinks she's lovely. She also is very infantilised, I think because she's always asking everyone for help all the time (she even puts on this little wobbly voice when she does it). I am not that outgoing and feel a bit awkward and nervous around people I don't know so I mostly just crack on with my work and keep myself to myself although I have made friends with some really nice colleagues. However, she befriended everyone we work with so I wasn't sure if even they would take her side or mine if it came to it, and some people at work I don't know that well whereas she makes it her business to know everyone. I often found I was busy doing both of our workloads while colleague was busy making friends and socialising ("drumming up support") elsewhere. So I felt everyone would be very much on her side and I would look like a bully or a liar (as some of it is VERY hard to believe. Even more so with how normally she presents to others). Today, it just seemed like people kept coming up to check I was okay and wasn't being swamped because they were aware I was now doing two people's jobs and I just mentioned to one person how it wasn't that different to how things usually are and we just talked and I was absolutely bowled away by how supportive and kind they were (two other people came to join the conversation and were absolutely lovely as well). I didn't go into everything, only the work side of it, but they were just so wonderful. I felt a thousand times better after that!

So I'm not sure what will happen in a few weeks time, I'm hoping colleague doesn't return but I don't want to get my hopes up too much. But in the meantime, I have at least a couple of weeks of freedom, people know and understand what it's been like, and they are being so kind and supportive. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.
Thank you so much for all of your support too!

Phew op, you sound so much better, lighter, already! Another poster earlier had predicted she would go off sick. Maybe she will do this for as long as she is paid ssp for. Glad you had a good day

Glad all went well and you are getting some peace. Your colleague sounds hard work

An update well worth the wait.

My next prediction is that she'll resign and claim constructive dismissal. This will not even get out if a solicitors office once they speak to the employer.

*might have done a few years in HR

Even if it's temporary it's a result - I thought she was going to come out banshee screaming about it all. Which may still happen but for now, enjoy the reprieve.... great that colleagues are having a chance to hear you for a change rather than her schmooozing crap.

So pleased to hear your update, you sound so much happier and positive. If/when she comes back you will be able to deal with her much better.

Thank you for letting us know how you are doing. I was worried that it had got worse so it is good to hear you have some improvement even if it is by her absence.

Sounds like work is going your way. Glad that is the case and hope it stays that way and is not the calm before storm.

You have protected work and have time to renegotiate your position so that you get another partner and can go back to proper workload, or get a 100% pay rise and stay as is, either way stick up for yourself.

Before you relax, remember she is all over your private life as well and get everything protected as much as you can. Expect the unexpected, learn about how to guard your online presence and let people know you may have been hacked so to check any strange or unusual messages with you directly. Get a ring doorbell and double check all of your home security.

You have an enemy, be prepared.

Just be careful that she isn’t fishing for info with other colleagues. She will claim that she was bullied out of her job by you. Just get on with YOUR work. Let your manager know that you can’t keep up the workload for two people unless you are financially compensated though....

Good to see you back, with a fairly positive update. Enjoy the time while she's off, but don't get complacent.

Is she still contacting you by phone, and did you show the manager any of her texts?

Oh good. Gives you a few weeks to get your mojo back and form a plan.
I'd have another meeting booked with management, I know we don't know your role but you can't long term sustain both jobs and it's unfair to expect that. You also need to know how to handle the duty when she comes back, as she'll be back to needing support etc
So you need management backup to only do your work.

Do collect all your evidence together and do go and speak to management again with all the evidence. Because you can bet she will be spending all her sick leave putting together a case against management, colleagues and most particularly you.

Thank you for taking the time to update OP, we are rooting for you :)

Sounds like she had a sharp shock when you stopped letting her manipulate you.

Please please do do as Motherinlawsdung suggests and use this lovely peaceful time to organise yourself a staunch defence, complete with all the evidence you can gather - call logs, messages, diary etc. Get everything planned and documented down to the last cough and sniff. She has already seen off one of your colleagues and my real fear is that she is now planning to do the same with you. Catalogue literally everything and get another meeting booked. Good luck

She is displaying a lot of sociopathic traits. Clearly unhinged. I'm a mental health nurse who works in forensic psychiatry and I've more stable, 'normal' behaviour in some of my very unwell patients.

You need to keep a diary/log of everything. Right down to her messaging friends of yours outside work and the turning up places where she thinks you will be. You should still have the messages in your phone proving that she's done this, so show HR. But you need to tell HR every single thing. Let them know that it is affecting your mental health- which it is, you're feeling drained, anxious about her behaviour etc. She will try to ruin you when she finds out what you've done, just like she ruined her previous work partner. So you need to be ready for it by alerting HR.

Once you've done this, and only one you've done it, start pulling back from her. I know it's difficult and awkward. One thing I've found with demanding people is that they feed off you replying to messages straight away so one thing that has worked in the past is to always give it an hour or so before replying. If she starts knashing her teeth or whining about it, tell her that you're feeling pressured to drop everything as soon as she texts and message back straight away and it is going to start affecting your friendship.

But yeah, as I said, be under no illusions, when she twigs that the situation she's got going on with you is about to come crashing down, she's going to fight tooth and nail against it and try and ruin you to anyone who will listen. So it is so so important that you prepare yourself with HR. Maybe there is a trusted colleague that you could confide in?

Sorry, I didn't read your update before posting.

Has she also stopped messaging you in the evenings now, @butterfly220? Or did you just block her number?

Oh and if she does come back guns blazing, show your colleagues this post and let them read it. You've come across as very rational but also kind towards your colleague. They will see that and compare it to any nonsense that she tries to paint.

What a relief OP. Use his time to regain your strength for when the next battle commenced! Hopefully she’ll just disappear and never return to work but as others have said she still has a small link to you in your personal life. I’d seriously think about putting a broadcast message out to friends and family with a link to this thread. And definitely make sure your home is secure.

Glad you are having some peace.

Glad to hear you're getting some respite!!