To be really upset with my moms behaviour

[uptheapplesandpearss]

I'm a young mom, I already feel as though people doubt my decisions and choices when it comes to my dd because of my age and I've been in situations where it's seemed as though older women feel as though they know better than me because of this.

I had my dd almost 4 months ago and from day dot my dm has constantly put me down about my decisions regarding dd. I know no one knows my dd better than I do, but dm acts as though she knows better.

A few examples - dd is a cold baby if that makes sense lol, it could be super hot but if I undressed her to a nappy (like my mom would) she would be freezing! So when we had the heatwave recently, my mom undressed dd down to her nappy, I felt her chest and she was freezing! So I started to redress her, dm walked in the room, gave me a dirty look and shouted "why are you doing that?! She's going to be boiling".

-My dm insists on giving dd "tastes" of everything, I have nothing against people who give their dc tastes of foods but personally it's not something I want to do with dd. Multiple occasions dm has tried to give dd a taste of foods, I've told her no numerous times and dm has done it anyway, even snatching food out of my hand to give dd it.

-dm insists on giving dd baby food as soon as she hits 4 months. I've explained I don't feel she's ready yet and want to wait until I think she is, whether that's when she's 4 months or afterwards. Dm has gone out and bought her baby food anyway and says when I'm not around she'll give dd it anyway.

I've explained to dm the general advice is bm until 6 months old, so if I don't feel she's ready until then I won't be giving it her, like said, she's claimed she'll do it when I'm not around anyway. She's also said health care professionals who advise this are spreading "bullshit" and she's had lots of kids her selves so she knows better 🙄 I told her she may have had lots of kids, but she's not my dds mother, so she doesn't know what's best for her like I do.

There's plenty of other situations where I've dealt with dm making me feel like she knows better, for example when she little text me saying she knows how to look after dd better than I do.

It's really bothering me, I know I'm a really good mom to dd. Dm has no reason to treat me/act like this. Dd is healthy, safe and putting on weight amazingly.

She makes me feel like an awful mom, she makes me doubt myself, and as though she knows better and could do a better job. It's really affecting my mental health.

After putting up with it for almost 4 months, I finally told her today how it made me feel. She told me there was no need for my attitude and that she hasn't actually given dd any food so there was no need for me to be so upset. I told her she hadn't YET but she tells me she will while I'm not around and also has gone against my wishes on other things so I don't trust her.

She's then text DP and told him I'm out of order and he needs to have a word with me.

AIBU to feel the way I am? And was I unreasonable to finally tell her how I felt?

I’m assuming you live with her? Can you move out? How old are you?

No yanbu my love. Your child is exactly that. Yours. You are her mum and you know best. I'd limit contact with her and not leave her alone with your dd at all.

Do you live with her? Do you rely on her financially? What does dp say? X

@Raphael34 I don't, I live with dd and dp. I'm 19, I know I'm young but I'm not stupid and nothing I've done warrants her behaviour

Do you live with her? Why is she acting like a brat?

@sameshitnewday999 dp agrees with me, he feels exactly the same and as though she's treating me like this just because I'm a young mom

Do not leave your daughter line with her. She has been very clear that she will ignore you and also experts.

“alone” - not “line”

What did DP say to her when she "told" on you?

@slipperywhensparticus he just reiterated what I told her in the first place. I suspect she won't be happy with him either once she's read his message

If you don’t live with her then I’d literally ban all contact. She can’t be trusted. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s already started your baby on solids. She’s told you herself she’s going to do it behind your back

You are not being unreasonable, and her behaviour and attitude towards you and your DD is totally unacceptable.

Don't leave your daughter with her - and tell her why. She's made it clear she will not respect your role as DD's mother and will override your decisions made as to what is in her best interests and for her welfare, so she's not to be trusted.

It doesn't matter that you're young. (Apart from that she's possibly having trouble treating you as an adult and mother, rather than her teenaged daughter).

What you're doing all sounds very sensible, if you're needing reassurance.

@mbosnz thank you, I really needed to hear that

I’ve experienced the same with mil, and I’m not even remotely a young mum, so don’t let that get to you. Of course you’re doing a great job.

Some people just like to ‘know best’ and don’t care about trampling over others’ boundaries.

How can I put this, diplomatically..? She’s an arsehole. Tell her to sod off.

You need to take your control back and distance yourself from your mum. All she is doing to bringing massive amounts of unneeded stress. Until she can treat you respectfully, she can stay away.

Choice 1. Smil and nod. Then ignore and carry on as you were.

Choice 2. Everything she contradicts something you say, tell her that you disagree.

Choice 3. Cut contact with your dm.

Choice 4 is a combination of all these things. Lower contact, some smiling and nodding and ignoring and some disagreeing.

My dm was a bit like this. Not as bad, but I used to tell her that we're not parenting by committee!

I was also a young dm. I had dd at 17. No way would my dm have tried to boss me around! Tell your dm being a dgm is a privilege not a right and if she won't back off she wont see either of you...
And mean it.
So glad you have dp to support you and have your back.
Congratulations on your baby!!

Is your DP a lot older than you, OP?

I only ask because you said She's then text DP and told him I'm out of order and he needs to have a word with me. which sounds she's delegating the role of disciplining you to your DP, now you've left home. He's your baby's father, not yours FFS!

Weird.

I'd stand firm, and keep her at arms length where DD is concerned. She sounds determined to undermine you as a mother, prove that she knows best (or at least better than you), and the fact she's said she will do it anyway when you aren't around just proves she has zero respect for your wishes regarding your DD.

I thought you were going to say you were 15 and had no choice but to live with her.

You are an adult, you need to be very firm and tell her you are DDs mother and you know best. You will find your inner Mumma Bear when she pushes you enough.

Try telling her "My baby, my rules" add that you are following current guidelines and she's out of touch.

I had to get me health visitor to write "no solids before four months" (it was four months in the old days) because my DM thought I should be giving my 12 week old baby food.

She's text dp saying I'm childish, that I should apologise to her because she's not happy and that she thinks I was "just pissed off and needed to vent at someone". She's also said I'm being a snowflake 🙄😂

First of all, you sound like an absolutely brilliant mum to your DD and you're doing really well.

Your mother is absolutely out of order. Regardless of your age (and you are an adult, anyway - from your mum's attitude I was expecting you to say that you were 15 and still living with her!) your baby is YOUR baby and not hers and she has zero right to decide what your baby eats or wears. I think you were right to tell her how you feel.

Sounds like your DP is supportive - it's really important that he backs you up here and makes it clear that your mum is not to interfere in your parenting decisions, so I'm glad that seems to be what he's doing.

Can you reduce the contact with your mum a bit, or do you rely on your mum to help with childcare? I think I would be inclined to tell her, if you possibly can, that if she threatens to go against your wishes re. the baby food, you will not leave your DD alone with her, ever.

I was a mum at 19, but I have to admit I was never made to feel a young mum by anyone, family or strangers, so I can’t relate to that, only imagine how you must feel. She’s your baby. Just stop taking her around to her. She’ll soon get the message.

Hmm your mum is definitely out of order, but it's probably not related to you being a young mum. It's probably more related to a massive change in your relationship dynamic. You were the child and she was the parent - she probably had a lot more power / influence / authority in your relationship. Now you've become a parent yourself, and are pushing back on that dynamic. You are resisting her being the one in control (quite rightly). She is struggling to adjust, or refusing to acknowledge the change in your roles (you know her best ). It's hard. You're probably going to have to be quite tough, boundaried and direct with her. She might take it more easily if you can be kind, but be very clear. 'Mum, I love you, I know you want to help, but she is my baby. Not yours. Things have changed. You have to let me do this my way. I might make mistakes - all parents do. But unless you think I am doing something that will cause her serious harm, like giving her knives to play with, please make a suggestion only once. If I don't want to do it, please don't mention it again. Or else I t's haranguing and controlling, not being helpful. Does that make sense? I don't want us to fall out about this but I must prioritise my family. Sorry if this is hard.'

@NeelixFelicis nope, dp is the same age as me!

I was 32 when I had my first, and I also had many years nannying experience behind me but my mum was very similar to yours. It's not your age it's your mother's attitude. They refuse to accept that their adult children are adults and capable of deciding where, when and how we are going to do things .

Make it clear to your mum that I feel she is going to disrespect your wishes and keep pressurising you about something you don't want to do then you won't be leaving your DD alone with her. Is there another older relative you could talk to and see if they can put her in her place.

YANBU. However, you are still your mom's "baby" so it's hard for her to ease up on her own mothering. I think as time goes by she will ease into her new role as a grandparent. In the meantime, try reminding her that medical advice constantly evolves and you are following the current procedures? It doesn't mean that the advice she followed when you were a baby was wrong; it just means that the current advice is now different. If you have a kind health visitor or a good drop-in baby clinic, you could also try getting your mom to attend with you - so a professional can reiterate the "times have changed" message, in a neutral manner. Don't doubt yourself; you're doing wonderfully well. x