To be really upset with my moms behaviour

[uptheapplesandpearss]

I'm a young mom, I already feel as though people doubt my decisions and choices when it comes to my dd because of my age and I've been in situations where it's seemed as though older women feel as though they know better than me because of this.

I had my dd almost 4 months ago and from day dot my dm has constantly put me down about my decisions regarding dd. I know no one knows my dd better than I do, but dm acts as though she knows better.

A few examples - dd is a cold baby if that makes sense lol, it could be super hot but if I undressed her to a nappy (like my mom would) she would be freezing! So when we had the heatwave recently, my mom undressed dd down to her nappy, I felt her chest and she was freezing! So I started to redress her, dm walked in the room, gave me a dirty look and shouted "why are you doing that?! She's going to be boiling".

-My dm insists on giving dd "tastes" of everything, I have nothing against people who give their dc tastes of foods but personally it's not something I want to do with dd. Multiple occasions dm has tried to give dd a taste of foods, I've told her no numerous times and dm has done it anyway, even snatching food out of my hand to give dd it.

-dm insists on giving dd baby food as soon as she hits 4 months. I've explained I don't feel she's ready yet and want to wait until I think she is, whether that's when she's 4 months or afterwards. Dm has gone out and bought her baby food anyway and says when I'm not around she'll give dd it anyway.

I've explained to dm the general advice is bm until 6 months old, so if I don't feel she's ready until then I won't be giving it her, like said, she's claimed she'll do it when I'm not around anyway. She's also said health care professionals who advise this are spreading "bullshit" and she's had lots of kids her selves so she knows better 🙄 I told her she may have had lots of kids, but she's not my dds mother, so she doesn't know what's best for her like I do.

There's plenty of other situations where I've dealt with dm making me feel like she knows better, for example when she little text me saying she knows how to look after dd better than I do.

It's really bothering me, I know I'm a really good mom to dd. Dm has no reason to treat me/act like this. Dd is healthy, safe and putting on weight amazingly.

She makes me feel like an awful mom, she makes me doubt myself, and as though she knows better and could do a better job. It's really affecting my mental health.

After putting up with it for almost 4 months, I finally told her today how it made me feel. She told me there was no need for my attitude and that she hasn't actually given dd any food so there was no need for me to be so upset. I told her she hadn't YET but she tells me she will while I'm not around and also has gone against my wishes on other things so I don't trust her.

She's then text DP and told him I'm out of order and he needs to have a word with me.

AIBU to feel the way I am? And was I unreasonable to finally tell her how I felt?

@mbosnz
No!!!!!! I omly just now read the whole thread. When my dd is here, I let her get on with it, even if it kills me. When I am babysitting I try to read to her or sing or play games etc.

LOL, I thought perhaps you might not have yet caught up with developments. Appalling, isn't it?

I mean, OP sounds like a daughter to be proud of, the way she is parenting her babe.

@mbosnz thank you, I really appreciate you saying that

You're welcome! I hope you're having a good evening.

If there's one thing a new Mum (no matter what her age) can never hear enough - it's that they're doing a good job.

@mbosnz I am thanks, I hope you are too! And you're right! Thank you for being so lovely

Yep, I am, kicking back with a vino, watching the cat slaughter DH's socks.

Just calling it how I sees it. . .

I mean, OP sounds like a daughter to be proud of, the way she is parenting her babe.

Wgat mbosnz said 😊

You could be writing this about my mum!
I was 20 when I got pregnant and she’s been an utter bitch since I told her. (Not that she was great before then)
When my son was born she constantly undermined my parenting using “I raised you and your siblings” as an excuse.
We all have mental health problems of which anxiety and depression are the main ones. Our upbringing is the only thing we have in common.

@BrokenTelly thank you!!

@Polydactyly I can't believe how common a thing this is, I'd never dream of treating dd like it!

Does she have a key to the flat?

You sound as though you are doing really well. Don't let your Mum bully you. You are your daughters mother not her.
Do you have by other options for childcare when you go back to uni? Some universities offer childcare through their discretionary funding.

@crochetandshit she does unfortunately

@Nonnymum I'll definitely look into it!

You are doing just fine op, you have a supportive oh, and you are a great mum. This isn’t about anything other than control... The reaction to ignoring text says it all. Choose how you want to move forward... low contact or smile nod ignore... but you know if you leave your dc in her care she will do exactly as she wants and ignore anything you ask. Your choice. Separately, My son is severely but allergic and I introduced solids at around 4 months - all home cooked vegetables, tiny amounts as still mainly milk and I didn’t avoid nuts during pregnancy. The food was within guidance and the nuts during pregnancy was against advice. I did the same with my dd who has no allergies and eats peanut butter on toast daily. It’s pot luck!

If that was my mother I’d be having serious words and be telling her if she’s not going to respect my wishes with my own daughter then she won’t be coming round to see her.

Just to reassure you that if the shit really hits the fan, she'd have one hell of a job on to legally evict you.
As I understand it:-

• she has repeatedly described it as a gift
• you have never paid rent
• there is no lease agreement

You could seek free advice on this from CAB by appointment, but on no account vacate the house, whatever she says or threatens, and I'd get the locks changed, so that if things get nasty, she can't gain entry while you are out and change the locks on you.

“No, mother. She is my daughter, not yours.”

Move out.

Your mother is acting like she is the baby’s mom and you are merely the sitter.

Move out if she will not comply.

@LightDrizzle that's great advice thank you, I'll have to look into it

She sounds vile and you will continue to have big problems with her unless you gain some independence. Move out of her flat and stop using her for childcare. It’s the only way this is going to be solved.

Do you live with your mum? If you do I suggest you ask health visitor/ social worker / council to rehouse you as surely this counts as emotional abuse x

@ItStartedWithAKiss241 I don't I live in a flat she owns though x

It made me so sad reading your post and also made me question my own behaviour, my faughter had her first baby at 18 and lived at home with me and looking back i know i probably took over far more than i should of. As a parent you think that you must be right because you've done it and your kids are fine right? In fact i was out of line and should of realised how bad i was making her feel as a mum. She now lives in her own pkace and baby number 3 is due in November, i do not interfere in her parenting and comment only if she asks me to. Stand uour ground sweetheart, this is your baby, your rules so make it clear that she is Grandma and that you have everything under control.xx

@uptheapplesandpearss did you respond to her message in the end?

I had my eldest at 19, I got a little ‘she knows best’ from my mum, but not as extreme as yours. I also lived in a property she owned (I did pay rent though) and unfortunately whilst you’re in some way still relying on her, you will most likely be answerable to her.

Her behaviour is terrible!

You don't need to rely on her for childcare when you go to uni. You can apply for a childcare grant from the student loans company to cover childcare costs.

I dealt with this kind of behaviour by limiting the time I spent with my mother. When she wouldn't accept my role as an adult and my DD's parent, I would minimise contact for a while. Then I would gradually increase it again.

She sees you as a child looking after a child. She wants your DP to see you as a child too. She thinks she knows better than you do. She also probably wants to stop you making mistakes she made but she's going about it the wrong way.

Just spend time away from her for a while, and withdraw a bit every time she makes being around her stressful or upsetting.

@Stampy84 no I chose not to, I'm still undecided on where to go from here with regards to texting her to tell her I'm going to be cutting contact or to just ignore her completely