To be really upset with my moms behaviour

[uptheapplesandpearss]

I'm a young mom, I already feel as though people doubt my decisions and choices when it comes to my dd because of my age and I've been in situations where it's seemed as though older women feel as though they know better than me because of this.

I had my dd almost 4 months ago and from day dot my dm has constantly put me down about my decisions regarding dd. I know no one knows my dd better than I do, but dm acts as though she knows better.

A few examples - dd is a cold baby if that makes sense lol, it could be super hot but if I undressed her to a nappy (like my mom would) she would be freezing! So when we had the heatwave recently, my mom undressed dd down to her nappy, I felt her chest and she was freezing! So I started to redress her, dm walked in the room, gave me a dirty look and shouted "why are you doing that?! She's going to be boiling".

-My dm insists on giving dd "tastes" of everything, I have nothing against people who give their dc tastes of foods but personally it's not something I want to do with dd. Multiple occasions dm has tried to give dd a taste of foods, I've told her no numerous times and dm has done it anyway, even snatching food out of my hand to give dd it.

-dm insists on giving dd baby food as soon as she hits 4 months. I've explained I don't feel she's ready yet and want to wait until I think she is, whether that's when she's 4 months or afterwards. Dm has gone out and bought her baby food anyway and says when I'm not around she'll give dd it anyway.

I've explained to dm the general advice is bm until 6 months old, so if I don't feel she's ready until then I won't be giving it her, like said, she's claimed she'll do it when I'm not around anyway. She's also said health care professionals who advise this are spreading "bullshit" and she's had lots of kids her selves so she knows better 🙄 I told her she may have had lots of kids, but she's not my dds mother, so she doesn't know what's best for her like I do.

There's plenty of other situations where I've dealt with dm making me feel like she knows better, for example when she little text me saying she knows how to look after dd better than I do.

It's really bothering me, I know I'm a really good mom to dd. Dm has no reason to treat me/act like this. Dd is healthy, safe and putting on weight amazingly.

She makes me feel like an awful mom, she makes me doubt myself, and as though she knows better and could do a better job. It's really affecting my mental health.

After putting up with it for almost 4 months, I finally told her today how it made me feel. She told me there was no need for my attitude and that she hasn't actually given dd any food so there was no need for me to be so upset. I told her she hadn't YET but she tells me she will while I'm not around and also has gone against my wishes on other things so I don't trust her.

She's then text DP and told him I'm out of order and he needs to have a word with me.

AIBU to feel the way I am? And was I unreasonable to finally tell her how I felt?

Soy? Sorry!

Basically the translation is -

"I wind you up because you react. And you should react then and there but also shouldn't react because actually you should just suck it up. And also even though I'm admitting I push your buttons you should respect me - because I'm your mum".

Don't allow the flat situation to affect you. She made that choice.

She either wants to help you unconditionally or she can fuck right off.

I'd reply (both dp and you).

"It's hard to respect someone who has openly admitted they make comments about feeding a child 'to wind you up'. It's clear you won't ever actually respect what I do because it's not your way - however you demand respect anyway. We will need to have a think about how we develop ds relationship with you from here as our job as a latent is to protect her first and foremost - because we are fantastic parents who want to earn her respect rather than demand it. We'll be in touch when we have made that decision"

@CalmdownJanet a list from the health visitor with reasons why you should wait until 6 months to feed baby solids

Clearly that would send anyone over the edge. . . [hmmm]

OP I really don't think it's anything to do with age and more to do with control. The flat in her name is a red flag for this. My mother used to criticise or undermine my parenting and I was 38 when I had my first!

Also older mothers may be better at appearing more confident mothers but that's often cos they've become better at acting! I was a nervous wreck underneath the swan impression and you seem like you're doing a much better job than I did.

Try not to listen to her undermining remarks and be as independent as you can be as soon as possible to protect your little family. Good luck OP.

Two separate issues here.
First, your mum is absolutely right to offer solids at 4 months, and the NHS guidelines are being reviewed to go back to this, as it is thought to reduce the risk of food allergies, especially peanut, in children. It’s particularly important if your baby has eczema, to expose their gut to foodstuffs early, before skin sensitisation to food allergens primes the immune system.
However, secondly and much more importantly, your mother has a terribly dysfunctional relationship with you and she sounds positively unhinged.
I’d be looking at minimising contact, establishing firm boundaries, and sticking to your guns. You are your child’s primary caregiver, not your mother, and you have the final say in everything relating to your baby.
You and DP need a united front, and do not back down.
Your mother is panicking as she feels she is losing control of you - she should have let go much earlier and given you space to find yourself as an adult.
Good luck with learning to assert yourself, OP. I hope your DM can learn to respect you as an adult and have a more appropriate relationship with you in future.

You sound mature but this is a lot to deal with. I would take steps to distance myself from her.

OP, you may be young but you sound very mature (not to mention intelligent and sensible) to me. Don't let your age undermine your confidence in being a mother, you and your DP know your child better than anyone else and you're doing all the right things.

I agree with those advising you to look at how you could manage at uni without support from your mum, look at all of the options and scenarios. There will be a way through this.

Thank you to everyone supporting me, telling me I'm a good mom and mature, I like to think so but my confidence has been knocked a lot so it's really good to hear. Again, thank you all so much, I think the only thing to do is to minimise contact (if no go nc) and dependence on her completely.

Thank you all for your advice it really means a lot!

You are doing the right thing OP. She needs time to adjust to new dynamic in which you and your DP are the parents and she is a grandparent. Cling to the excellent mantra someone gave above ‘no answer is also an answer’. Hopefully she will realise she has lost the power to ‘wind you up’ and will have to find new, more adult ways to connect with you and her GC.

You can be an older mother and a crap mother. You can be a younger mother and an absolutely amazing mother.

Quality of parent and parenting is in no way dependent on age!

You sound like a smart, intelligent, mature and capable woman who will be a great mother. In the words of my midwife ' your little one was lucky. She got one of the good ones'.

Move out of your mum's flat as fast as you possibly can. I'm assuming one of you is working full-time whilst one is home with the baby? You should have enough to get your own place, even if it's very modest or is a share house or something.

You need to get out from under your mother's thumb, she is controlling and it's scary. You need to protect your DD. I'm sorry if that's upsetting and I'm sure you love her very much, but from everything you've posted here she sounds absolutely vile and you really don't need her.

My mum was like this and I turned 20 four days after giving birth. Four years later we are no contact for many reasons but crap like this was a big factor. I am so much happier now (not saying this is what you should do) because it eventually gets on top of you so much you dread being around the person. Do not leave your child alone with her and honestly? If she gets pissy just don’t go round to her at all, make her work for your respect.

First, your mum is absolutely right to offer solids at 4 months, and the NHS guidelines are being reviewed to go back to this

Her mum is absolutely wrong. It doesn't matter whether the guidelines are 4 months or 6 months, giving a child food against their parent's wishes, behind the parent's back is wrong. Whether that child is 4 months old or 4 years old.

What a horrid situation. You sound v mature and well balanced so keep doing what you're doing with your DD.

Honestly, if she keeps this up then minimise contact and only allow supervised visits. I know it's tough but you're the mum and you call the shots. She can either get with the programme or get out.

I wonder how much your Mum's DM was involved with your raising? Did she parent EXACTLY as her mum did? Or did she go her own way like you have? Its not on for her to do this. SHE did not give birth to YOUR child. I had my DD at 20 but luckily my mum didnt attempt to parent her for me or criticise my parenting. Because if I wasnt before then the minute I gave birth I was AN ADULT who no longer required parenting.

Get back in your box Granny you aint the mummy here!

I don’t think it’s an age thing OP, it’s a respect and an “I’ve been there and done it so I know best thing”

I had my first at 36, my MIL was adamant I should start my son on Rice Cereal, in a bottle from 4 months. No nutritional value and a massive choking hazard. She’d done it with her son so I should do it with mine. Times change, we know better so we do better now. Stick to your guns and do what you know is right for your baby.

@Aaarrgghhh I turned 19 4 days before giving birth lol! Thank you for your advice x

@JustMe81 you're absolutely right she doesn't respect me at all and she is exactly the same as your mom, wants me to give rice cereal!

uptheapplesandpearss Lol, that’s class. I’ve read the text messages she has sent now and honestly, your better off without that in your life. She is awful and exactly how my mother was. I’ve been told so many times how she just wants to punch me because I haven’t agreed with her or taken her crap. Life has been so much easier since I’ve learnt to stand on my own feet with support from my partner and broke away from her completely. You’re just right to lessen contact with her and if you feel better just drop it all together, she’s not wise at all.

Honestly @uptheapplesandpearss your mum has just threatened to stab you!
Don't let this be twisted into something said in anger, she actually typed this out and sent to you!

She still sees you as a child and that she has authority over you and she is not to be pulled up on anything because "don't you dare disrespect your mother" you know.

Take this seriously and start as you mean to go on.
I would never leave my baby in the care of someone who threatened me with physical harm of any sort.

The venom and vitriol you're experiencing from her right now is narcissistic rage.
You've stood up to her, she failed to create conflict between you and your partner and he supports you, so she's going to stick to her narrative of you being an ineffectual little girl who needs 'showing the way' by her.

I would let rip at her - after all she's did say you should either bring it up at the time or let it go....
I think now is the best time for you to draw the boundary loud and clear and follow through with any consequences.
She can't be allowed time alone with your dc cos she will interfere and damage that relationship.
Any contact has to be respectful and on your terms - or she can fuck right off.
In fact, after that comment about tabbing you, i wouldn't be seeing her for a good long while.

Move out into your own rented acc asap and reduce any reliance on her.
Narcissists are determined to win - at any cost. So she won't ever give up, she'll involve the flying monkeys when you follow through with the consequences.
Be prepared for that and telling them all exactly where to go if they too can't treat you with respect.

if you don’t live with her then I would limit contact until she can respect you as a parent. Certainly do not leave your DD with her. It sounds like she would just override you even if you’re there though so I would see her less and be very clear why.

You’ll need to set clear boundaries now. You are an adult with a child and your decisions are to be respected.

My dd was 18 when she had dgd and they live with me. I am very careful about giving advice, mostly only when she asks. There are a lot of things dd does that drive me crazy, like no regular meals, letting her stand with her nose to the telly for hours on end, no bedtime routine, rarely reads to her etc.

It's soooo hard not to say stuff, but you are right, OP, you need to do what you feel is best for your baby

Op please dont text anymore.It will only inflame anything that has already been said.Like the previous replies you have recieved on here I agree..you sound an amazing mum and very responsible.You need to do two things very soon...1] find somewhere else to rent and fast and 2} look in to childcare options asap.The only way to get on top of your mother is to be totally independant of her,Show her you dont need or want for anything. Can you call your pastoral tutor or dept at uni for advice on housing and childcare? Bet they could help point you in the right direction.I think you can handle this with the support of your partner I really do.You sound a smart cookie to me.Ignore your mother now ..go silent and dont respond.Sort your future out as best you can then when you have done whats right for your little family then and only then should you think about what sort of relationship will be tolerable for you with your mum.Good Luck!

BrokenTelly,

Did you ever send a text to your daughter threatening to stab her when she did the things that drove you crazy?