To be really upset with my moms behaviour

[uptheapplesandpearss]

I'm a young mom, I already feel as though people doubt my decisions and choices when it comes to my dd because of my age and I've been in situations where it's seemed as though older women feel as though they know better than me because of this.

I had my dd almost 4 months ago and from day dot my dm has constantly put me down about my decisions regarding dd. I know no one knows my dd better than I do, but dm acts as though she knows better.

A few examples - dd is a cold baby if that makes sense lol, it could be super hot but if I undressed her to a nappy (like my mom would) she would be freezing! So when we had the heatwave recently, my mom undressed dd down to her nappy, I felt her chest and she was freezing! So I started to redress her, dm walked in the room, gave me a dirty look and shouted "why are you doing that?! She's going to be boiling".

-My dm insists on giving dd "tastes" of everything, I have nothing against people who give their dc tastes of foods but personally it's not something I want to do with dd. Multiple occasions dm has tried to give dd a taste of foods, I've told her no numerous times and dm has done it anyway, even snatching food out of my hand to give dd it.

-dm insists on giving dd baby food as soon as she hits 4 months. I've explained I don't feel she's ready yet and want to wait until I think she is, whether that's when she's 4 months or afterwards. Dm has gone out and bought her baby food anyway and says when I'm not around she'll give dd it anyway.

I've explained to dm the general advice is bm until 6 months old, so if I don't feel she's ready until then I won't be giving it her, like said, she's claimed she'll do it when I'm not around anyway. She's also said health care professionals who advise this are spreading "bullshit" and she's had lots of kids her selves so she knows better 🙄 I told her she may have had lots of kids, but she's not my dds mother, so she doesn't know what's best for her like I do.

There's plenty of other situations where I've dealt with dm making me feel like she knows better, for example when she little text me saying she knows how to look after dd better than I do.

It's really bothering me, I know I'm a really good mom to dd. Dm has no reason to treat me/act like this. Dd is healthy, safe and putting on weight amazingly.

She makes me feel like an awful mom, she makes me doubt myself, and as though she knows better and could do a better job. It's really affecting my mental health.

After putting up with it for almost 4 months, I finally told her today how it made me feel. She told me there was no need for my attitude and that she hasn't actually given dd any food so there was no need for me to be so upset. I told her she hadn't YET but she tells me she will while I'm not around and also has gone against my wishes on other things so I don't trust her.

She's then text DP and told him I'm out of order and he needs to have a word with me.

AIBU to feel the way I am? And was I unreasonable to finally tell her how I felt?

Fourteen, not sixteen!

You need to respond with boundaries. Not words or arguments to try and convince her. Not necessarily a text back. Radio silence is very effective.

This^

There's a German expression "Keine Antwort ist auch eine Antwort", which means "No answer is also an answer".

It doesn't sound like she's the type of woman to listen to reason anyway!

you know me I don’t care what she’s feeling

Holy crap. That's your mother. What sort of fucked up person is she that she'd write that about her own child? I'm pretty sure that every mother on this forum will tell you that they worry themselves stupid caring about what their children are feeling. You can't fix this, she doesn't care. Tell her to fuck off and be done with her.

you are doing an amazing job and are an amazing mummy to your child. I suspect you mum is jealous in some way, sadly not everyone has our best interests at heart and want to see us fail. You're doing a brilliant job so keep doing what you're doing. I wouldn't waste further energy on this conversation though, just leave it. And i would reduce the amount you are relying on her as shes probably enjoying that. If you can, get your food shopping delivered or find a friend who shops and see if you can car share and contribute to petrol.

I honestly can't believe the text I've just got from her.. she's text me calling me a "little bitch" telling me not to talk to her as I've put her in a foul mood and she "may just fucking stab me"

I literally don't even know what to say?

Do you pay her rent? Are you claiming benefits? I ask about the benefits because your going back to uni and you will get help with childcare if your on a low income can you afford to rent elsewhere? If your not paying rent I would start saving now actually save anyway wait for her to spend money on eviction procedures then go

@slipperywhensparticus no we're not paying rent, she was kind enough to not actually make us, so we've already started saving to move out

If she is threatening to stab you call the police tell them you dont want her calling and threatening you they could send a CSO over to speak to her tell her to wind her fucking neck in

Also she cant retrospectively decide your paying rent so your sorted for a bit just make sure the locks are changed

Um, definitely do not engage.

I'm sorry if I'm rude in asking this, but is it possibly she's been drinking or taking drugs? Because she's sounding way over the top.

Is she likely to come round?

I think you do have to look seriously into alternatives for childcare when you go back to uni. I did a uni degree when mine were little, and was able to do it fulltime with three days of them being in the uni daycare (which was fantastic) for six hours. I don't know if something like that would be possible for what degree you're doing?

How awful for you!
However she has just done you a favour. Screenshot that last one and save it as a PDF. Keep a log of all her texts and emails in a folder saved to Dropbox.
If she escalates to involving SS (unlikely) or civil proceedings (unlikely) - you have a wealth of evidence as to why you have reduced or cut off contact.

I wouldn't reply to the last message, silence will hurt her more, and anyone threatening to stab me wouldn't be seeing my child again.

As PP said try and save what you can, and move, I've a feeling that she will get and use the flat against you.

You are doing just fine as a Mum, no matter what age you are, your dd is your dd and like you said you know her best, don't let anyone try to tell you differently.

@mbosnz she never drinks or has done drugs so that seems unlikely, I'm really shocked. She's never been physically violent, it almost doesn't seem like it's her on the other end of the phone, with that last message anyway.

That is bizarre.

She's done you a favour. She's made it very easy for you to have nothing further to do with her. Grab that gift with both hands!

She’s escalating and unravelling because you’re not toeing the line and haven’t responded to her text with apologies and begging - at least I assume she can see that you read her last text and ignored. She is really infuriated. Not responding is actually working.

The sooner you can move to your own place the better. I agree with saving the messages in a safe file.

Save every message.

Definitely do not reply.

I wouldn't be leaving any child of mine near someone who would threaten to stab me.

I would agree with others.

Total silence.

I can appreciate this most be terribly upsetting for you💐.

OP You are doing well and you are a good mum. You are very sensible in taking current advice and, more importantly, taking into account your baby's individual needs above all. Very sensible to touch her skin to see if she's cold or hot, and completely appropriate not to start her on solids until she is good and ready.

Also, you are not too young. Many of the older generation had young children by the time they were 20 and they were good parents.

Your mother is not a good mother or a good grandmother. I would go very low contact with her, don't leave her alone with baby and you and your DP decide on how to raise YOUR child.

Will your DP be home soon?

You’re the same age as my eldest and milk only until 6 months was already a thing when he was a baby so your mother has had almost 20 years to learn the ‘new’ ways of weaning!

Just keep doing what you are doing, sounds like you and your partner are doing just fine. Keep your mum at arm’s length until she learns how to behave (or until your baby is old enough to tell you about what grandma does when mum isn’t looking. 5-6 years!)

Ugh. You poor thing, she sounds mean.

I hate it when someone says "people in life are mean, you need to just suck it up". What they are really saying is that you shouldn't stand up to bullies. Yes, sometimes people say horrible or cruel things. Should you "suck it up"? No!! There should be consequences for being nasty or insensitive!

You don't need to 'grow a thicker skin' (aka -- let her get away with being a bully). She needs to stop being a bully.

Ugh. I would do the 'grey rock' technique with her. Be vague about your plans, be too busy to go visit, never quite pin down a time or date to call or meet up, answer anything she says with "Mmm, interesting," or "really" in a non-commital kind of vague way. When you're in the same room, look at your daughter rather than your mum, and talk to her sideways rather than face-to-face so the conversation can peter out. Don't engage, be as boring as possible, and work on getting your independence.

Deep breath. You and your lovely partner have got this.

Sorry OP I missed your updates regarding the threatening messages. Please report this to the police, and talk to a solicitor about sending a warning letter about taking out a non molestation order as there only needs to be two incidents where you have been threatened. I speak from experience of stalking family members. You need to act sooner rather than later as this is a massive read flag.

Can I ask what message you actually sent her in the first place about the feeding?

@CalmdownJanet a list from the health visitor with reasons why you should wait until 6 months to feed baby solids

Perhaps it would be a good idea to sit down with your DP tonight and work out how you would manage without your DM in your life - where yo7 can live, what childcare you need to go back to Uni etc. Then work towards that goal as quickly as you can. Meanwhile, go low contact, and practice grey rock until you can get away. I was going to suggest that you lay out the consequences to her of her behaviour (I.e. we will move, you won't be doing any childcare etc) but after the stabbing comment, I think that ship has sailed. It won't get better, and you will need to cut her out eventually, so get your plans sorted. Soy OP.