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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset I'm not a part of her wedding

114 replies

Taleasoldastime90 · 28/08/2019 06:32

We have been friends for 25 years. She was one of my birthing partners when I had eldest ds, was my maid of honour at my wedding and both my ds' godparent. I feel I have shared with her all the big moments in our lives.

She is now getting married. I found out on a day out together for my birthday, that I wasn't a bridesmaid (she didn't tell me I wasn't one, she told me who was), I held it together for our day out, as I didn't want to put a downer on her special day, but I was really upset when I got home. I consoled myself that even if I wasn't a bridesmaid, that I could still do nice things with her like go dress shopping etc.

A few months later, we were meant to be meeting up for my son's bday, but she went quiet on the arrangements, so it didn't happen. She always has been a person with a hectic schedule, so I didn't question it much. Later that day she puts a post up saying she found her wedding dress. When I spoke to her in private and admitted I was sad I couldn't be there, she was very blunt and said well it will be a surprise.

I decided to be honest with her (against my best judgement) and tell her how I was feeling. It's not that 'status' of being bridesmaid, it's the moments you share - the helping getting ready in the morning etc. that I'm gutted about missing. It's the same with the wedding dress. She was again very 'unfeeling' in her response, she said she was happy with the choices she has made, she was hoping we would all be there and it was up to me if I came or not.

I feel gutted and I suppose a bit 'betrayed' that I shared all these special moments with her in my life, but she doesn't appear to have consider me at all for hers?

OP posts:
LiveInAHidingPlace · 28/08/2019 06:34

You consider her more of a friend than she considers you. It happens. It sucks and it really hurts, but I think it is common. Friendships grow apart and change and sometimes come back together.

But I think you have to accept that you can either accept the friendship on these new, more distant terms, or just end it if that's too hurtful.

FloatingObject · 28/08/2019 06:35

She was very cool with you. That must hurt. It makes me think something might have happened, like you may have offended her in some way without even meaning to or realising it, but she hasn't told you.

8by8 · 28/08/2019 06:37

You’re not as close to her as you thought, and I would be upset by that too.

Friendships do change over time, it’s natural.

It’s best to try and accept people for who they are and what they bring to your life. So if you still enjoy her company, feel fond of her etc then try to accept the friendship as it is now. It may change again over time.

herculepoirot2 · 28/08/2019 06:38

It’s hard to say how unreasonable she is being. She has every right to decide these things for herself and it may be that the friendship is more one-sided than you have realised in the past. However, unless you have really been smothering her, I think she is being very cold. I would definitely take this as a cue to be more distant in the future.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2019 06:40

Might there be a reason she chose the other women as bridesmaids over you? Are they her sisters, SIL, etc, which left her to make her choices based on the number of bridesmaids she's having?

Chitarra · 28/08/2019 06:41

You are not unreasonable to be upset, and I would feel the same way. She's telling you that you're not such close friends as you had thought Sad

FenellaMaxwell · 28/08/2019 06:44

How long has she been with her fiancé? Have you always gone a few months without speaking?

MRex · 28/08/2019 06:47

Ask her just once if there is something you have done or are doing that has annoyed her. Either she'll tell you or you know she's just decided to move on. Just because someone was a friend in the past doesn't mean they will be around forever, things change. I'm sure you'll be able to make great new friends when you put that time in with others.

RebeccaRae · 28/08/2019 06:47

Yanbu, it's always upsetting and a bit disorienting when you realise you see a friendship differently to how the other person does.

How many bridesmaids does she have? Are they all family members or anything like that? It may be that she chose them for a different reason than just closeness.

It wouldn't be that usual for a friend who wasn't a bridesmaid to come dress shopping. Lots of women don't even have their bridesmaids (I had my mum and my sister - who was my maid of honour - only). So maybe she chose her bridesmaids for a specific reason and it all flowed from there?

Even if that is the case though I can still see why you are hurt, because the way she told you and spoke to you hasn't suggested that she sees you as very close.

There isn't a lot you can do about the situation except move on knowing that she's not as close to you as you thought. Hopefully knowing that will help you protect yourself from any more hurt Thanks

BrightYellowDaffodil · 28/08/2019 06:57

Maybe she just wanted to do those things like choosing a dress by herself? Not everyone feels the need to make everything a shared event!

I can see why you’re upset but I think you need a bit of perspective. Her wedding = her way. Just because she was your bridesmaid doesn’t mean she’s obliged to make you hers. Do you want her to have the wedding she wants or the wedding you want her to want?

MRex · 28/08/2019 07:00

I forgot to say, one thing that struck me is you "decided to... tell her how I was feeling". Because the discussion was about your feelings of not being picked, she factually replied that she was doing what she wanted to. You didn't ask how she was feeling and you didn't ask why you weren't picked, actually it was all about you. Is that the case, or have you simplified it here? Without meaning to, some people can be overpowering where everything revolves around them; but this is her wedding day so she wants it to be about her and her husband, not her and you.

Original poster
Taleasoldastime90 · 28/08/2019 07:02

**How long has she been with her fiancé? Have you always gone a few months without speaking?

4 years? We have definitely met up less and spoken less since they got together, but I'm taking this as normal busy adult lives. We can go a few months without talking and only see each other a few times a year, but it's like no time has passed when we do meet.

Thank you everyone for your replies, you have confirmed what I have thought

OP posts:
EmrysAtticus · 28/08/2019 07:05

Argh massive sympathies OP Flowers

I met up with two of my best friends last year to jointly celebrate our 30th birthdays. The one I considered my absolute best friend announced that she had got engaged months ago and the wedding was all booked and planned and we weren't even invited.

The pain was immense (and still is to be honest) and our friendship has died. Clearly she felt very differently about our friendship as I couldn't imagine not including her in major life events but she could. Incredibly sad to see over 20 years of friendship go down the drain in a split second.

pinkdelight · 28/08/2019 07:07

It's lovely that you shared all your big moments with her but that doesn't mean she should want or need to reciprocate. Especially with the birthing partner and godparent but also with the bridesmaid. Am guessing your wedding was a good while ago? Perhaps if she'd married around that time she would have reciprocated but now she has other people she's closer to or feels are more appropriate (are they unmarried? Sometimes people take the maid bit more literally and choose their unmarried friends). Yanbu to feel upset but I wouldn't have said anything. By making her feel bad of course you're going to put her on the defensive. And now she's pre-emoting you not coming as she won't want bad feeling clouding her big day. I think you have to accept she has other/more friends and not take that as a slight and just be glad she was there when you wanted her to be. As long as you still enjoy her company I would downplay it, it doesn't have to be a relationship-defining snub.

pinkdelight · 28/08/2019 07:14

Ah just seen your update -

"We can go a few months without talking and only see each other a few times a year,"

Then she's bound to have closer friends now on a day to day basis who are more involved in her life. Which doesn't diminish what you have as old friends - and she still wants you at the wedding - but it makes sense why she hasn't involved you just because you involved her. It's not like calling in an old debt. I think you get that really and it's more nostalgia for when you were closer perhaps. What you have sounds good though so hopefully you can weather this upset and enjoy her wedding.

Medievalist · 28/08/2019 07:15

Are the bridesmaids people who are understandably more important to her than you? For example sisters, nieces etc

I don't understand the shopping for a dress issue. Some people - me included - like to shop on their own. Frankly it seems rather odd to tell someone you only see infrequently that you were sad not to be able to help them choose their wedding dress.

BlockedAndDeleted · 28/08/2019 07:17

I used to know someone who thought me doing her massive favours and supporting her was a huge honour for me.

She never reciprocated and threw a tantrum when I withdrew from the ‘friendship’.

Is there a similar dynamic here?

Eg Have you been there for her when she’s needed you?

Just thinking that her being your birthing partner is her doing you a massive favour not you ‘including her in your special moments’.

Ditto, MOH and even Godparent to a certain extent.

Sounds like you feel like these things were a massive honour for her.

What have you done for her birthdays and Christmases?

How have you celebrated her successes and achievements?

Have you shown her appreciation for her acts of friendships over the years or just thought she should be honoured to be part of your life?

Why on earth did you feel entitled to go dress shopping with her when you knew you weren’t a bridesmaid?

Whatever the reason she has a right chose whomever she wants to support her, if you haven’t been there for her in the past, why should she include you for this?

Just because you’ve known her for 20 years, doesn’t mean you’ve been her friend for that time.

If you do care for her, accept the fact you are not close anymore.

She has every right to make her choices and far from being unfeeling, she may just want to shut down any drama that could mar this special time.

If you do care for her good put your feelings aside, but a hat, and stop guilt tripping her.

00100001 · 28/08/2019 07:19

well if you only see her a few times a year, then it makes sense you're not "involved".

I have good friends like that, we meet up every so often, have a good old chinwag, they;ll stay here, i'll stay over at theirs. but one of them got married lastyear, we were "just" invited...it;s fine

FenellaMaxwell · 28/08/2019 07:30

How close can you be if you go months without speaking and only see each other a few times a year...? I think in those circumstances it’s understandable she wants the people closest to her to be her bridesmaids and you need to acknowledge that things have changed in your friendship, and that’s not her fault any more than it is yours. I’m guessing you saw each other more when she did all these things for you?

ChicCroissant · 28/08/2019 07:30

Ah OP - I can see that you are hurt. But she's allowed to see things differently. That phrase you used 'I feel I have shared with her all the big moments in our lives' - has it been the big moments in your life that you have shared? Just because you want someone there doesn't mean they have to reciprocate.

I think that complaining about not being involved in dress shopping may have killed it off completely though. I don't think you should have done that, she doesn't have to justify herself to you.

Original poster
Taleasoldastime90 · 28/08/2019 07:38

BlockedAndDeleted

You have just assumed that I haven't been there for her based on your own experience, of course I have been there for her - and that includes Christmases and special events and achievements!

For me, being a birthing partner is a massive honour (I used to be a midwife), yes she is there to help me and I appreciated every second. I have been asked to be a birthing partner since having my children and I have felt honoured to have been asked to share such a special moment and be there for them. Maybe it means something to different people?

OP posts:
Original poster
Taleasoldastime90 · 28/08/2019 07:41

We see each other a few times of year because of distance and other commitments. As far as I'm aware, that goes for the same as her other friendships. Since she has been with her fiance, she has wanted to spend most of her spare time with him (which is understandable). I have never felt our friendship has suffered for this and was pretty similar before I got married (5 years ago)

OP posts:
BlockedAndDeleted · 28/08/2019 07:43

I didn’t assume, I asked very clearly if there was a similar dynamic.

Interesting that you’re so defensive though.

Yes, maybe people do have a different attitudes, maybe she did?

How have you been there for her? How have you supported her? How have you shown appreciation to her for the support she’s given you?

CherryPavlova · 28/08/2019 07:45

Personally I’d think it a bit odd to choose a bridesmaid who already had their own children.
I’d also think the choosing of a wedding dress was usually done by a bride and her mother.
Not sure why you’d think either should be your right. It’s not about friendships.

Original poster
Taleasoldastime90 · 28/08/2019 07:51

I don't think it's my right CherryPavlova, I would hope that she would want me there, like I wanted her there.

Maybe that's just it - people have different beliefs and values and I misjudged. That's why I asked.

I'm not going to list things each other has done throughout our friendship blockedanddeleted, I feel we have been there for each other enough for the past 25 years to justify sharing something like this together (hence her being my moh)

OP posts: