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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset I'm not a part of her wedding

114 replies

Taleasoldastime90 · 28/08/2019 06:32

We have been friends for 25 years. She was one of my birthing partners when I had eldest ds, was my maid of honour at my wedding and both my ds' godparent. I feel I have shared with her all the big moments in our lives.

She is now getting married. I found out on a day out together for my birthday, that I wasn't a bridesmaid (she didn't tell me I wasn't one, she told me who was), I held it together for our day out, as I didn't want to put a downer on her special day, but I was really upset when I got home. I consoled myself that even if I wasn't a bridesmaid, that I could still do nice things with her like go dress shopping etc.

A few months later, we were meant to be meeting up for my son's bday, but she went quiet on the arrangements, so it didn't happen. She always has been a person with a hectic schedule, so I didn't question it much. Later that day she puts a post up saying she found her wedding dress. When I spoke to her in private and admitted I was sad I couldn't be there, she was very blunt and said well it will be a surprise.

I decided to be honest with her (against my best judgement) and tell her how I was feeling. It's not that 'status' of being bridesmaid, it's the moments you share - the helping getting ready in the morning etc. that I'm gutted about missing. It's the same with the wedding dress. She was again very 'unfeeling' in her response, she said she was happy with the choices she has made, she was hoping we would all be there and it was up to me if I came or not.

I feel gutted and I suppose a bit 'betrayed' that I shared all these special moments with her in my life, but she doesn't appear to have consider me at all for hers?

OP posts:

dangerrabbit · 28/08/2019 07:52

As other have posted, it sounds like you view her as a closer friend than she does you. Have you been aware of this dynamic in the past or is this the first time you have been aware?

SweetKittyT · 28/08/2019 07:56

I had the same & I was absolutely gutted. We were best friends since we were 7yo & our families knew each other well. She was my only adult bridesmaid (I had two toddlers as flower girls). When her time came she chose her sister & her brothers wife. It really hurt but I bit my lip and said nothing & respected her decision. Besides, looking back, the cornflower blue & yellow dresses were hideous!

Medievalist · 28/08/2019 07:56

But why would you expect to help her choose her dress?

Greyponcho · 28/08/2019 08:14

Does she have DC herself?
Could she maybe have thought you’d have your hands full with yours on the day that she didn’t want to be putting extra pressure on you to do BM duties on top of that, including making yourself available for dress fittings, hen do planning/attending etc.
Has she distanced herself because she’s struggling with something in life that perhaps seems to come easily to you, e.g. having DC?

FamilyOfAliens · 28/08/2019 08:18

Personally I’d think it a bit odd to choose a bridesmaid who already had their own children.

Wtf?

Sugarformyhoney · 28/08/2019 08:21

The friendship dynamic is not what you thought and that can be really sad. I had similar with a good friend who didn’t want me as part of the wedding party but equally expected me to run around and help with the arrangements. Part of this was because it was a surprise wedding and the announced it very close to the date- it was on another family occasion. The bridal party only knew a few dats before and as I was told weeks before I was expected to be a great pair of hands. Anyway, I was very busy around that time unfortunately. We remain friends but I keep her at arms length.
It can be very hurtful, I hope you are ok. Don’t be overly invested or interested from this point in and let her get on with it

Griefmonster · 28/08/2019 08:25

@Taleasoldastime90 It is interesting that PPs are jumping to "she doesn't regard you as close a friend as you do her" and that you are quick to agree with them.

Maybe her expectations of what close friends do is different? As other PPs have picked up on, you seem to have quite strong ideas of what type of involvement/gestures 'count' and if she doesn't do these, then she is disregarding you and your reaction is to feel very wounded by this.

I understand these feelings are very hurtful to you but you really can view this whole situation in a different way - that she is her own person with her own decisions to make.

I can't see anything in your OP that seems disrespectful to you. She is allowed to draw her own boundaries. If that extends to not inviting you to the wedding at all, then I would think "yes she is moving (has moved!) away from the friendship". But not asking you to be a bridesmaid or go dress shopping are not indications of someone ditching you.

Andysbestadventure · 28/08/2019 08:28

That's horrible to have happen @EmrysAtticus but I think maybe your idea of 'best friend' is entirely different than most people's, and obviously hers too.

Ragwort · 28/08/2019 08:31

In the past it was traditional that bridesmaids were unmarried women (virgins ), the clue is in the word 'maid'. The Matron of Honour would be a friend or relative who was married/a mother.

Clearly those traditions now seem rather dated but that was the reason (to the PP who asked).

Ravenblack · 28/08/2019 08:37

@Taleasoldastime90

I agree with pps that she does not value your friendship as much as you do, and it's very sad as you go back so many years. She has also been cold towards you, which suggests that she doesn't really care that you are hurt.

Something has shifted, and she has gone off you. Probably found someone she prefers more. Really cruel behaviour.

You mark my words though, she will regret it, and will be sorry for how she has treated you. Hopefully (for her) you will forgive her, and welcome her back.

For now, I would seriously think about giving her a wide berth.

Hope you feel OK soon. I would consider not going to her wedding though, I have to say........

And ignore people having a go at you and saying 'how interesting that you are soooo defensive!' I mean, even if you are, it's hardly surprising, because you are hurting.

Look after yourself.

TOADfan · 28/08/2019 08:37

This is why I decided not to have bridesmaids at my wedding.

Did I choose my oldest friend who I always said would be my bridesmaid over my now closer best friend? Or choose my closer friends over her?

No bridesmaids and groomsmen is the way to go.. though did mean I had to arrange and pay for my own hen party lol.

TOADfan · 28/08/2019 08:39

Sorry posted too soon. YANBU I would be very upset too. I wish I had advice but I know of it was me the friendship wouldn't be the same or ever recover fully.

cranstonmanor · 28/08/2019 08:40

My bridesmaid was a man. Now that pissed a few female friends off .

Beautiful3 · 28/08/2019 08:43

That is really hurtful. I'm sorry. She obviously does not see your friendship like you do. I would cool off and wait for the invitation. If it's for all day, that's great but evening only is a bad sign.

ArtisanPopcorn · 28/08/2019 08:45

I had friend who was one of my 3 bridesmaids. A couple of years later she got married, had 6 bridesmaids and I wasn't even invited to the ceremony, just the reception. It's a horrible way to find out someone's friendship meant more to you than yours does to them

I rarely contact her now as I always feel like she might not be interested in seeing me

FFSFFSFFS · 28/08/2019 08:47

When I was in my twenties I was NOT asked to be bridesmaid but was expected to do dress shopping and organise hen do because the bridesmaid lived in another state. Which compliant old me did.

I look back now and think WTF. I now live in another country and every now and then get these pensive passive aggressive messages from this "friend" wondering if I will ever be in touch.

I think the thing is that, as someone said, you are imposing your own "values" about what a good friendship looks like onto another person. Which never works out in the end. You are wanting her to give you something that she doesn't want to give.

I understand how awful this must feel for you. But I'd take it as a really valuable learning experience. NOT that some people can be awful etc but that you can't set the rules on how other people behave. What you can do is choose who to have in your life.

Sarahisthatyou · 28/08/2019 08:47

My BF of 30 years ( now 40 odd years!) did this to me and I was hurt too... she picked some new friend that she was enamored with to be her MOH - I'm not a girly girl, and she wanted a girly girl! But I got over it, didn't bother with the hen do which was going to be expensive and a massive PITA for me to attend, and had a much more relaxing time at the wedding as a result.
She fell out with the MOH a few years later and they don;t speak at all now. We're still friends. Friendships, especially long ones, have their ups and downs just like marriages, try not to let this get to you too much...

ChicCroissant · 28/08/2019 08:49

You do think she owes you these moments though OP - you even tackled her about not taking you shopping for her wedding dress because you thought it was your right!

Even if someone is a best friend when you are younger, they don't hold that position for their entire lives - it's bound to change as your lives do. Don't hold her to an ideal that you had 25 years ago! For the OP and Emrys it's your perception of the friendship that has changed and probably not the other person's, and it can be a shock.

Bibidy · 28/08/2019 08:54

@Taleasoldastime90 I would assume she's being cold because she feels conscious and knows you were likely to be hurt, rather than because she doesn't care. Perhaps she doesn't know how to handle it and has gone about it the wrong way.

I know how horrible it feels, a couple of years ago one of my group of 6 friends got married and the rest of us only found out none of us were bridesmaids when somebody who had been asked shared a gushy message about it on Facebook. While it was upsetting that none of us were involved in her wedding it was more upsetting that she never even broached the subject with us to let us know before we found out through someone else's celebrations.

That said, weddings can be stressful and there's immense pressure on the bride to choose people, so I would try not to hold it against her. Your feelings are valid and a lot of us would be hurt too, but it's not worth losing your friendship over.

LillithsFamiliar · 28/08/2019 08:55

Different traditions come into play for a wedding. As a PP said, there may be family commitments that she needs to honour.
One of my friends involved her small friendship group in her wedding planning but she lived in a different country from most of her family and didn't know that many people. When I was planning my wedding, she expected to be equally involved but I had sisters, nieces, cousins, etc. She tried to guilt me into changing my plans to include her more.

Zaphodsotherhead · 28/08/2019 08:58

How do you get on with her OH? Do you like him? Does he like you? Are the bridesmaids that your friend is having related to him in any way?

Because it could be that he is having this effect on your friend ("oh, you don't want her as a bridesmaid,she's a bit older/won't look as good in the dresses, why not have my three nubile cousins instead?")

Just a thought.

womenspeakout · 28/08/2019 08:59

I can understand how you feel. You clearly are/thought you were close friends, sharing a lot together, meeting for birthdays and she's been very involved in all of your moments.

It's strange how cooled she's being towards you now. Perhaps she feels like she's moved past this friendship, hurts, but it does happen.

I know you will be upset about the bridesmaids thing, in honesty I think you was in denial about a lot of it afterwards, to think you'd be going dress shopping and sharing these moments, they are usually for the bridesmaids and mothers. I think you built it up that you could still be involved.

Think about the friendship, is it always you planning for your get togethers now?

BlueBilledBeatboxingBird · 28/08/2019 09:03

Who has made the cut as bridesmaid, OP? I didn’t have any of my (very close) girlfriends as bridesmaids because I had my sister and my SIL, and I took my mum and my sister to my dress appointments.

Or is it quite a traditional wedding? Traditionally, a woman wouldn’t be a bridesmaid once she is married with children of her own, and the child might be asked to be a pageboy or flower girl instead.

Icecreamsoda99 · 28/08/2019 09:03

As others have said in her mind these "special moments" were her supporting you, perhaps she just doesn't want the same level of support (I brought my dress on my own), also weddings can be stressful (money, family dramas etc.) and she may be feeling it, and really not need the feeling that you are making her wedding about you, hence the cold reaction. I hope that doesn't sound to harsh, I do feel for you as it would hurt me as well but I would never say anything to her about it because at the end of the day it's her and fiancee's wedding.

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 28/08/2019 09:09

Ah I feel for you that is tough!! As some others have said it seems her view of the friendship has evolved over time unfortunately and to her your friendship has grown apart while for you it hasn’t - that’s really tough. You could of course go NC as a reaction (I could see myself wanting to do this), but perhaps you could try to take what pleasure you still
Can from the friendship ? Life is long and things may change / ebb and flow - maybe these newer friends may be strong right now but not last

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