To be upset I'm not a part of her wedding

[Taleasoldastime90]

We have been friends for 25 years. She was one of my birthing partners when I had eldest ds, was my maid of honour at my wedding and both my ds' godparent. I feel I have shared with her all the big moments in our lives.

She is now getting married. I found out on a day out together for my birthday, that I wasn't a bridesmaid (she didn't tell me I wasn't one, she told me who was), I held it together for our day out, as I didn't want to put a downer on her special day, but I was really upset when I got home. I consoled myself that even if I wasn't a bridesmaid, that I could still do nice things with her like go dress shopping etc.

A few months later, we were meant to be meeting up for my son's bday, but she went quiet on the arrangements, so it didn't happen. She always has been a person with a hectic schedule, so I didn't question it much. Later that day she puts a post up saying she found her wedding dress. When I spoke to her in private and admitted I was sad I couldn't be there, she was very blunt and said well it will be a surprise.

I decided to be honest with her (against my best judgement) and tell her how I was feeling. It's not that 'status' of being bridesmaid, it's the moments you share - the helping getting ready in the morning etc. that I'm gutted about missing. It's the same with the wedding dress. She was again very 'unfeeling' in her response, she said she was happy with the choices she has made, she was hoping we would all be there and it was up to me if I came or not.

I feel gutted and I suppose a bit 'betrayed' that I shared all these special moments with her in my life, but she doesn't appear to have consider me at all for hers?

Thank you all for your replies, it's interesting seeing both sides of the argument.

Her bridesmaids are two friends and a sister (she hasn't asked her sister in law thinking about it). None of them are married or have kids, neither does my friend (I think someone has asked that)

My DH thinks that maybe she should have given me a heads up about not being a bridesmaid, or an explanation of why (I realise writing it like that does sound entitled) and I do feel that would have made it better - I haven't been forgotten/our friendship is still important, it's just xyz.

Shared friends and my family have all been surprised to hear that I'm not a bridesmaid, so I don't think I was completely crazy to expect to be asked.

I'm sorry to hear that a few of you have had the same or similar situation - it does hurt :(

Her bridesmaids are two friends and a sister (she hasn't asked her sister in law thinking about it). None of them are married or have kids, neither does my friend (I think someone has asked that)

Ah, there you go. It sounds like she’s sticking to the very traditional criteria for bridesmaids. Traditionally if she wanted you to have a connection to the wedding party then she’d ask your DS to be a pageboy, but perhaps he isn’t old enough / the wedding is child-free / she isn’t having any child attendants.

Traditionally bridesmaids were unmarried women.
Times have changed but that was always the traditional thing to do.

Daisypond- no not just because of that, it was a long time coming. I wasn't expecting to be god parent as the friendship had drifted, but I was really upset at one of the other friends she had chosen who she had previously told me she hadn't spoken for over a year and I know hasn't been in her life as much as me. It hit home to me I guess, where I was in her view of different friendships. I also realised every one of her school friends or uni friends had had a significant role in her wedding or christening and it was just the final straw for me.

It wasn't just that one thing, I had been making the effort for several years and contact was sporadic, always when suited her and I felt she didn't actually care what was going on in my life

She’s your best friend, but you aren’t hers. It happens in life, one invites their BFF to share every important moment of their life, the other chooses their BFF to share their moments, it just happen to not be the same person unfortunately.

OP, YANBU to feel hurt - your feelings are valid and you can’t help how you feel. However, I would honestly try not to let these feelings destroy your friendship and YABU to force your feelings on the bride IMO.

I have been in this situation. My ‘best’ friend got engaged - she was my maid of honour and godparent to my eldest child - but she told me that she wasn’t having any attendants to avoid upsetting anyone. Then it turned out she had asked someone else, someone she often complained about to me. I was extremely hurt at the time (because if she liked the other girl enough to have as her only bridesmaid despite complaining about her all the time, I wondered how badly she spoke of me to others if I didn’t even make the cut!). I’m glad now that I sat on those feelings and didn’t make them known to her. I wrote her a letter to get my feelings out but never sent it.

Over time (and it has been 10 years), I have come to realise that it was her wedding and her choice. She had to take into account all of her family and friends and try to balance their wants and needs with her wants and needs. It is never an easy thing to do and some people get it wrong. In planning my own wedding I managed to upset two friends badly and it wasn’t personal and didn’t reflect my feelings about them as people.

In fact, the wedding never did go ahead for reasons I won’t go into here and there were clearly reasons for the way she had gone about things behind the scenes and she was in a very difficult and unhappy place. We have needed each other in different ways since and our relationship is still close and very precious to me.

You cannot control other people - you have no rights to demand they do things or think or behave in the ways you want them to. People have different values and priorities and have their own reasons for doing things that don’t actually involve you at all.

I think if you can carry on being bright and breezy and work through your own hurt then your friendship will continue. If you push her on this she may well cut you off completely. Give it time to settle, be happy for her and see that her choices are not a reflection on you as a friend/person. If it is true that you have grown apart then things will drift anyway.

If it was me, I would possibly send her a follow up text saying of course you will be at the wedding, you wouldn’t miss it. I would apologise for sending her the message about being hurt but that you love her and value her friendship and just want her to be happy. Then leave it and wait for her to get in contact.

As an aside, my other bridesmaid asked me to be her bridesmaid - all lovely at the time. We have since had such an enormous fall out that I will never speak to her again as long as I live. So sometimes things don’t always work out the way you hope!!

You are within your right to feel sad about this but I personally think you're looking too much into this. I have been bridesmaid a few times for friends, none of whom I would choose to be my bridesmaids if I got married. There are various reasons why, but it is your friend's big day and she can have who she wants. It sounds like over the years you have drifted apart some what and most friendships change over the years. I wouldn't have someone be my bridesmaid who i see a handful of times a year.

YABU for trying to call her out over it, you'd have made her feel awkward for having to explain herself and she shouldn't have to. She probably has friends that she sees all the time now that are closer. She doesn't owe you anything.

My DH thinks that maybe she should have given me a heads up about not being a bridesmaid, or an explanation of why (I realise writing it like that does sound entitled) and I do feel that would have made it better - I haven't been forgotten/our friendship is still important, it's just xyz

Of course you haven't been forgotten, you're invited! And nobody has questioned the importance of your friendship except you.

It'd be really bizarre to explain to you why you aren't a bridesmaid, unless you were being demoted from bridesmaid. Your DH is being a bit odd here. Would you expect her to explain any other wedding decision to you? I really can't see how this one would be different. I know that you're hurt, but I think you risk hurting yourself more by elevating this into a big statement on your friendship and an owed explanation, when neither of those things are very normal.

It also seems very clear that she's gone the traditional route of choosing her bridesmaids, so it's not even personal.

I'm not sure I agree that we should never explain our decisions. How often do women angst about, why did he dump me, he won't talk about it. Or why didn't she invite me to xyz. Why is it better to be 'funny' with someone until they get the message.

Yes I know it's the MN mantra that you shouldn't ever say you're hurt because that's 'weird' but personally that just makes the hurt/confusion last longer and leaves more room for misunderstandings. It just spares the feelings of the person doing the hurting. If she'd said, OP we're still mates but I wanted someone I see more regularly or single people or we're not as close as we were, then the OP would know where she stood. I think she'd get over it quicker. Being left in limbo leaves your mind going to all places trying to make sense of it.

I'm not sure it's relevant in this case but I do think men are more socialised to be accepting than women. My husband never minds if someone else comes along to a social event but I've been given daggers by another woman if I'm introduced to her by a mutual friend.

I'm not saying at all that the bride should have chosen OP. Of course she should have who she wants. But maybe if she'd been more honest OP would know the position and have felt still included but in a different way.

OP I used to be upset if I wasn't included in everything. But it's helped me to realise that although I'm not the most important person in someone"s life, it doesn't mean they don't care about me or that we can't still be friends. It stops you trying so hard to be something you just aren't in someone's life.

MrsTWH has spoken such words of wisdom here, OP. Maybe you could take solace in this, and consider that your friend has a lot on her plate and while she could have maybe been more sensitive, it's all really ok and you're still going to the wedding and (hopefully) will be able to enjoy it and put this behind you:
Over time (and it has been 10 years), I have come to realise that it was her wedding and her choice. She had to take into account all of her family and friends and try to balance their wants and needs with her wants and needs. It is never an easy thing to do and some people get it wrong.

I mean this kindly but life is way too short for this shit. Just don't say anything more, go to the wedding & have fun

YANBU to be disheartened I totally get that, but just flipping this on its head I have a lovely friend who I value very much and would absolutely be invited to my wedding, however once in conversation she mentioned I would be bridesmaid at hers (if she was to get engaged) and I was quite taken aback.

Nothing she has done wrong however I have a core group of 4-5 friends I’ve known since school and we’ve kept in touch throughout university, engagements, kids etc. So I just wouldn’t pick anyone else and 5 is enough money wise.

It might not be anything personal maybe just the practicalities, but I can totally see why if you had her as yours and feel so close to her you’d feel this way.

It’s tricky

It's really hard when you realise that the other person views the friendship differently and you've been the one who has been giving more than receiving. Won't go into details but I'm going through similar and the other person's attitude when I bought it up was such that I realised we see things differently and a huge crack had appeared meaning things wouldn't be the same as before so I decided to cut contact. It hurts like hell and feels like a break up. Sending hugs.