To be upset I'm not a part of her wedding

[Taleasoldastime90]

We have been friends for 25 years. She was one of my birthing partners when I had eldest ds, was my maid of honour at my wedding and both my ds' godparent. I feel I have shared with her all the big moments in our lives.

She is now getting married. I found out on a day out together for my birthday, that I wasn't a bridesmaid (she didn't tell me I wasn't one, she told me who was), I held it together for our day out, as I didn't want to put a downer on her special day, but I was really upset when I got home. I consoled myself that even if I wasn't a bridesmaid, that I could still do nice things with her like go dress shopping etc.

A few months later, we were meant to be meeting up for my son's bday, but she went quiet on the arrangements, so it didn't happen. She always has been a person with a hectic schedule, so I didn't question it much. Later that day she puts a post up saying she found her wedding dress. When I spoke to her in private and admitted I was sad I couldn't be there, she was very blunt and said well it will be a surprise.

I decided to be honest with her (against my best judgement) and tell her how I was feeling. It's not that 'status' of being bridesmaid, it's the moments you share - the helping getting ready in the morning etc. that I'm gutted about missing. It's the same with the wedding dress. She was again very 'unfeeling' in her response, she said she was happy with the choices she has made, she was hoping we would all be there and it was up to me if I came or not.

I feel gutted and I suppose a bit 'betrayed' that I shared all these special moments with her in my life, but she doesn't appear to have consider me at all for hers?

most people when getting married are torn in lots of directions trying to keep family and in-laws happy so if you're someone's friend your role isn't to add to the stress!

Exactly! This exactly explains your friend’s cool response, OP. It’s not that she feels guilty at all, OP, as some have suggested. Your reaction has simply added to her stress. You haven’t been a good friend.

I worry about women (and it does seem that this only happens to women, I’ve never seen men angsting over stuff like this) who seem to think they have a right over another’s life decisions like this. It is quite controlling when you think about it.

It's women because women are more excluding. They exclude certain others from things which makes them feel like this.

Men don't really care, they'll all meet up all together, and just get on. Women have little groups which exclude certain members which creates insecurity.

Are sure she's even having bridesmaids?

Read the first post.

She said her friend told her she wasn't one by listing everyone who IS one.

Who are the bridesmaids? Her sisters/family members/dps sisters?

I would be hurt as you have included her in the biggest moments of your life but she isnt. It's clear you both see your friendship so differently.

I can totally understand how you feel. Last year I was excluded from who I thought was my best friends child's christening. I was very hurt that another friend was picked as god parent. But our friendship had drifted and all contact was an effort from me. It's taken a while but I have learnt to accept that she didn't view the friendship as I did. It was very upsetting but I decided to cut ties with her completely

While you can feel the way you feel about it, I don’t think the bride has done anything wrong and has, in fact, acted and responded perfectly decently.

It was very upsetting but I decided to cut ties with her completely. You cut ties because you weren’t asked to be a godparent? That is awful. Why do people have to think they have to be the number-one most important chosen person in other people’s lives? It’s egotistical and narcissistic. I just don’t understand it. Even if a friendship has drifted, unless there’s some backstory, there’s no need to cut ties in such a dramatic manner.

It's women because women are more excluding. They exclude certain others from things which makes them feel like this.

Men don't really care, they'll all meet up all together, and just get on. Women have little groups which exclude certain members which creates insecurity.

This tiresome old idea again, about women being quarrelsome and catty, while men, bless them, are just big ol' cuddly bears, full of amity and collective good cheer?

You don't think that in this particular case it might have anything to do with the fact that women are still socialised to see their wedding day as the most important of their life, and to be enormously invested in all its details, and to take on emotional responsibility for the happiness of all the people invited/not invited/bridesmaids/not bridesmaids while men are largely entirely easygoing about it because they haven't grown up thinking 'The moment I walk down that aisle is the peak of my life, and everything has to be perfect oh, and if I invite X to be a groomsman, his brother Y will be upset, and will little Z expect to be a ring-bearer????'

This happened to me a few years ago I thought we were really close, she said she’d ordered me a bridesmaid outfit and I was so excited but then she posted who her bridesmaids were (didn’t include my name) and confessed she gave my dress to a new friend she’d made. I wasn’t even allowed to come and see her get changed in the morning so I didn’t go to the wedding I was too hurt. We talk now and again but it’s never been the same since. I think it shows what sort of person your friend is, in the kindest way possible don’t chase her anymore if she contacts you then fine but don’t go out of your way to be her friend she doesn’t care about your feelings.

I wasn’t even allowed to come and see her get changed in the morning

Is this an actual thing?! I wouldn't want anyone watching me get changed

I wasn’t even allowed to come and see her get changed in the morning so I didn’t go to the wedding I was too hurt. That is ridiculous and childish behaviour.

KeepStill: women have a brain in their heads. Yes, they can see that TV production companies put on shit like Bridezilla and Don’t tell the Bride ow whatever it’s call. Some choose to watch it, a lot don’t (me included). Yes they can see the Bridal magazines sitting on the shop shelves. Or notice the z list celebrity gossip wedding spreads in magazines. Yes they can see “dating” shows like Love Island. But every single one of those women can CHOOSE not to read or watch that shit. The fact that many choose to partake of it is not “socialising” them.

There is choice here. Don’t tar all women with the same brush.

I totally get why you are hurt.

I have experienced very similar and found it deeply distressing. I never felt able to say a word about it for fear of causing a problem, and overtime I have simply swallowed the hurt but slowly entirely dropped the friendship.

In hindsight I wish I had said something so I think you have done the right thing, even if the eventuality is that the damage is done and she will no longer be in your life in the same way.
Sometimes the loyalty we have to childhood friends is unreciprocated and while it feels like betrayal, in reality it's just people moving on and coping the best they can with where they are at that time.

Wishing you all the best.

That should say, is, or seems unreciprocated.

I have seen something happen like this between men actually.

DH’s friend from school greeted news of our engagement with “I suppose you’ll want me to organise the stag do and so on what with being best man.”. DH just said “Well actually I’ll be asking friend from university to do that”.

Friend from school had a massive alcohol fuelled meltdown at our wedding. Then a massive barney with his wife when she tried to calm him down.

After that, things got really awkward and we don’t really see them much now.

There is choice here. Don’t tar all women with the same brush.

I agree, @CurlyhairedAssassin, and my post was in fact pointing out that women as a class are not bitchy and excluding, as another poster was stating as though it was incontrovertible fact. I wasn't in fact thinking of wedding industry things or those TV programmes they're not on my radar at all just of the kinds of things that are still said to little girls, but never little boys, about their wedding day being the most important day of their lives, and still prevalent double standards towards 'sad spinster cat ladies' versus lucky dog/'playing the field' bachelors who've 'escaped the ball and chain' etc etc.

I'm not saying women are brainwashed into this stuff as an inevitability I got married in jeans with two witnesses on my lunchbreak but it's still a factor in female socialisation in a way it simply isn't in men. Which means that weddings still have way more cultural importance for women than for men, in general.

Plus I have never encountered a groom who routinely settles down for a collective pre-wedding diet conversation with his bestman and groomsmen, in the full expectation they will join him. (Two of my cousins, who married a decade apart, did this put all bridesmaids on a pre-wedding diet, as well as themselves, and all went to WeightWatchers together and in neither case was the bride outside a normal BMI...)

I am not painting women as catty or bitchy or anything like that.

But, as a general thing, women do do a lot more of excluding others from certain things. Every woman has a story similar to this, has been left out of some occasion or outing. Even at school, friendship groups or play usually involve excluding someone else. It just seems to happen more often with girls and women and in men's friendship groups, there's not really the same level of exclusion or hierarchy which allows certain friends to do certain things.

This happened to me a few years ago I thought we were really close, she said she’d ordered me a bridesmaid outfit and I was so excited but then she posted who her bridesmaids were (didn’t include my name) and confessed she gave my dress to a new friend she’d made.

Regardless of the ‘it’s not about you, it’s her special day etc etc’ that gets trotted out on these threads (which I agree with to an extent) this is exceptionally dickish behaviour. I’m not surprised you chose not to go to her wedding!

I wouldn't worry about the dress business. I went shopping for my dress alone and had my fittings alone. I'm a grown up and I don't need anyone telling me if a dress is good or not. It wasn't a snub, it's just that I'd managed to choose my own outfits for about 30 years by the time I got married! Even my mum wasn't invited - she didn't have a problem as she knew I wanted the dress to be a surprise for everyone.

As far as the bridesmaids are concerned, again are they all family? You don't seem to have answered that unless I missed it. You got married, you must know the little family things (oh you should have cousin Jane, she's the only one who's never been a bridesmaid or why aren't you have your niece type of questions).

She may only have bridesmaids of a certain age (like under 16 or something) Or it could just be that she has a theme and everyone else has long hair, you don't and she wants everyone to have ringlets! Who knows? It is her and her fiance's wedding. It is their choice who is in the bridal party. You may be hurt, understandably, but you either need to get over it or not go to her wedding. That's the blunt choice.

Who are the bridesmaids?
I also disagree that men never get upset or argue over weddings.
There are lots of threads on here regarding a man being unhappy at not being invited to a wedding or nor being asked to be best man.

It sounds like you have different expectations. She’s been honest in her response. Don’t do any more digging or pushing now or you could damage the friendship. As things stand you can take a deep breath and move forward. You haven’t fallen out, you’re still good friends. She’s doing her wedding her way, she’s not doing it to insult you, don’t think of it that way..

I can understand why you are so hurt I know I would be too. I have been in a similar situation recently where a close friend has pretty much cut me off and when I do reach out she has been blunt and cold with me but never actually tells me why which I find the most frustrating thing. Anyway I really opened up to her last week (via text because I can't get to the stage of her actually agreeing to meet me!) and we had quite a long discussion throughout she was still be very off with me but I finally got to the bottom of it that basically a very close friend of both of ours has been majorly shit stirring. Could this be the same in this situation? I am yet to talk to close friend about it but I will be!

The fact that she went quiet when you invited her for your DS birthday etc and then posted about the wedding dress makes it OBVIOUS that she KNOWS what she's done to you and knows its shitty.

But her later comments then show that she knows its shitty and she doesn't care.

Up to you whether you come or not! Wow!

She may be your best friend, you however are not hers - and boy is she showing you.

I don't blame you for being hurt. I would be too.

@KeepStill. he kinds of things that are still said to little girls, but never little boys, about their wedding day being the most important day of their lives,

ARE little girls actually told that? Who by? I’ve never experienced or witnessed that. Is this a modern thing? People refer to “the big day” or whatever but that is just because it’s an important, formal occasion, surely, which for most involves a fair bit of planning these days.

I don’t know where the hysteria around weddings comes from in this day and age, I really don’t think it stems from sexism, I think that actually, in the much more traditional, more sexist days gone by it was all a much simpler affair so not much angst involved. A simple church ceremony, or registry office, with a small reception afterwards in a pub/function room. Dresses were often made by whoever was good at sewing in the family. It just wasn’t all hyped up with loads of extra shit like it is these days. There was minimal angst. You didn’t invite the world and his wife and bridesmaids were usually mainly family. In fact the whole wedding congregation was usually just mainly family, with maybe one or two very close friends there as guests. There was no separate evening do for people who you’re not even going to be in touch with in 10 years time. I think the hype and angst around weddings and potential for offence has increased tenfold since popular culture has changed to include wedding TV shows, wedding fairs (didn’t exist in my day as far as I’m aware) etc. It’s all a load of hype and marketing. Buy into it and I can guarantee you will end up much more stressed, skint and full of guilt about who you’ve offended/who has fallen out with you.

Sorry, OP, am derailing the thread a little but it’s always just so frustrating to see what should be a lovely simple happy occasion sunk to the levels of bickering over who was chosen to be bridesmaid.

My colleague’s son got married this month. She had to return her first outfit she’d bought because his fiancé didn’t like it. When I expressed surprise that the bride to be was so fussy (and a bit rude in my opinion but I left that bit out!) she said she didn’t really mind returning it because it all had to be perfect, “after all I AM the groom’s mother” (as if this a mega important role?). What is WRONG with the way people think about this non-important stuff?!

Re: the thing about fall outs between men. I think there is something in it. I work in a boys’ secondary. They can fall out one day to the extent of almost physically fighting and the next week be hanging around in the same group again. It’s odd to me because I witnessed so many times at school girls bitchiing about each other, spreading stories and bearing a grudge for the whole 5 years (sometimes their whole life!!). Teachers who have worked in girls’ only schools tell me that they much prefer the straightforward way boys interact than the drama of fall outs amongst girls. I do think boys and girls friendships work in a totally different way, and that it does carry on into adulthood.

It’s possible she’s not as close to you as you are to her.

But it’s also possible you just see friendships and the role of friends differently from her.

I wouldn’t dream of have a friend as a birthing partner or inviting a friend wedding dress shopping. I didn’t have bridesmaids but if I had they would have been family only. My DC don’t have godparents. I guess I’m much less of a “sharer” than you, I don’t necessarily need or want to include friends in all my life experiences. Maybe your friend is like that too?

To me, her responses don’t seem cold. They seem matter of fact and quite a sensible response to what you were saying. What was she supposed to say? If one of my friends had said they were hurt at not having picked out the dress with me I’d think they were slightly nuts to have expected that to happen. Especially if it was someone I didn’t see often. I’d probably say something like gosh I’m sorry you’re upset but it didn’t occur to me to take a friend.