To be upset I'm not a part of her wedding

[Taleasoldastime90]

We have been friends for 25 years. She was one of my birthing partners when I had eldest ds, was my maid of honour at my wedding and both my ds' godparent. I feel I have shared with her all the big moments in our lives.

She is now getting married. I found out on a day out together for my birthday, that I wasn't a bridesmaid (she didn't tell me I wasn't one, she told me who was), I held it together for our day out, as I didn't want to put a downer on her special day, but I was really upset when I got home. I consoled myself that even if I wasn't a bridesmaid, that I could still do nice things with her like go dress shopping etc.

A few months later, we were meant to be meeting up for my son's bday, but she went quiet on the arrangements, so it didn't happen. She always has been a person with a hectic schedule, so I didn't question it much. Later that day she puts a post up saying she found her wedding dress. When I spoke to her in private and admitted I was sad I couldn't be there, she was very blunt and said well it will be a surprise.

I decided to be honest with her (against my best judgement) and tell her how I was feeling. It's not that 'status' of being bridesmaid, it's the moments you share - the helping getting ready in the morning etc. that I'm gutted about missing. It's the same with the wedding dress. She was again very 'unfeeling' in her response, she said she was happy with the choices she has made, she was hoping we would all be there and it was up to me if I came or not.

I feel gutted and I suppose a bit 'betrayed' that I shared all these special moments with her in my life, but she doesn't appear to have consider me at all for hers?

I really value some of my old friends and love them to bits but I am now closer to people I interact with in my daily life - it doesn't reflect on those old friendships though.

Often upset in friendships happen because people expect other people to think the same way they do. To you it seemed natural that as a friend you would be invited to choose a dress, to her it didn't. It wouldn't seem natural to me either. I wouldn't get upset with her about it, she is just different from you in how she expresses and what she expects from friendship. It doesn't mean that she doesn't appreciate your friendship.

"Maybe it means something to different people?"

Yes of course it does!!

(beginning to think there might be some self-centredness going on here)

Bride was behaved impeccably, with a minimal but firm response, that she is with with choices. You are struggling to realise that she sees things differently to you.

Just as another point of view, @Taleasoldastime90... I'm getting married next year. I know a few of my friends are dying to go dress shopping and I keep having to put them off. My future MIL is, too. Everyone wants to help plan or be there in the morning or plan the hen do and buy the dress...

I don't want any of that. Everyone has presumed I do, because I'm excited to get married, but I'm not having a hen do, I don't think I'll have bridesmaids, and I'd love to buy my dress by myself. I'll likely spend the morning of the wedding with my DP, as we've got a later slot.

I love these people, and if I wanted people; they would be there. But buying a dress isn't magical to me, it's something I have to get done. Bridesmaids seems to cause chaos with some kind of hidden "ranking" system.... a bit of me thinks I'm going to have to have one or two because I'll really upset some close friends, but then I'm going to upset loads of other people, and I can't afford and don't want loads. Hen do style nights out have never been my thing. I'm excited for the marriage and what should be an amazing day, but wedding planning has been expensive and stressful!

It might be totally different for her, or it could be similar, but the culture that everyone must take eight people to try on dresses and have afternoon tea and "Squad" dressing gowns... it's not for everyone.

I don’t entirely agree with the people saying ‘If you don’t see each other that often you’re not that close’. My closest friend and I don’t see each other that often, but we can always pick up where we left off. Some friendships are like that.

However, is it possible that your friend simply interprets this differently? That, to you, months can go by and you’ll still be as close as ever, but to her, it’s been a sign of you drifting apart? Perhaps that’s why she got defensive when you said you were hurt - part of her thinks ‘Shit - maybe I should have included Tale’, while another part wants to justify it to herself by thinking ‘Well it’s not like we’re in touch every day; she can’t expect to be involved’ - and therefore you’ve had a somewhat cold and defensive response?

There was an interesting item on Woman’s Hour recently (probably still on iPlayer) about the break-up of long-term friendships. A psychologist was talking about what it’s like to be ‘cast in the role of best friend’ - i.e. the other person has decided you’re their best friend and expects you to behave accordingly, even if the friendship has actually changed over time. Is there a chance the title of ‘best friend’ has come to mean more to you than the friendship itself?

Y’see I was just trying to make the point that just because you know someone for a long time, doesn’t mean you’ve been friends with them for that same period of time.

Your primary reason for feeling entitled to this role is length of time and not acts of friendship to me.

You can’t ‘lock-in’ a friend because she supported you through your wedding, pregnancies, childbirth etc.

All of which were years and years ago.

That’s taking her for granted.

You need to ‘actively friend ‘ in order to maintain closeness and by your own admission you only see/speak to her a few times a year.

Perhaps you see it as nothing’s changed, perhaps she’s going through the motions of an old dynamic, who knows?

PPs post on being ‘cast’ in the role of Best Friend is really interesting, maybe seek that Woman’s Hour podcast out?

You offered up her being your MOH, five years ago as reason why you should be included in her wedding.

But that was her supporting you, five years ago. That’s such a long time.

I’m sorry you’re upset but, her reasoning may be as my girl Janet says “what have you done for me lately

OP, I think the poster who said 'Friendships, especially long ones, have their ups and downs just like marriages, try not to let this get to you too much...' is spot on. Always remember it is not about you, it is her day and she will have a thousand things on her mind as she probably does now and it is not your right to be privy to all her thoughts or to be there when she chooses her dress - she may find that claustrophobic. You need to respect her different way of doing things and back off a bit.
I can't believe the incredible neediness and self-absorption of some of the posts on here!
SweetKittyT - how could you be pissed off when your friend chose family members instead of you? That's what people do sometimes, just keep it in the family.
Bibidy - so your friend didn't choose one of the 6 of you - was she supposed to have you all? Or just choose a couple of you and then have the ones who weren't bridesmaids get all upset? 'While it was upsetting that none of us were involved in her wedding it was more upsetting that she never even broached the subject with us to let us know before we found out through someone else's celebrations.' Well maybe she was busy planning her wedding and didn't want to have to cater to everyone's potential hurt feelings.

Honestly, to have a friend you need to be a friend and in terms of a wedding I'd think it best to stay schtum, just ask how the plans are going, ask your friend if she wants help with anything, and then be involved with the plans etc only if asked. Otherwise, show up on the day, bring a nice gift, tell the bride(s) or groom(s) they look gorgeous, have fun, and be gracious. Don't take it too seriously and never ever forget, it's about the people getting married, it's not about you, it's not your day. My oldest, closest friend and I weren't even at one another's weddings due to green card issues etc. We laughed it off and are still great friends. Weddings are primarily about the couple and their families, end of story.

I am not surprised you are hurt. I think her coments after you told her how you felt are more hurtful than not choosing you to be a bridesmaid. Have you moved further apart since you had your children. Maybe she felt you were too busy to be able to focus on her and the hen party etc. And then she felt guilty about not choosing you so reacted badly when you mentioned you were upset.
I would leave things for a bit. But let her know you support her and will be there for her wedding

I can't see that she's done much wrong, to be honest, you're still invited to the wedding. Although you've now put a strain on the friendship by mentioning the, to me, non-issue of choosing the dress. Weddings seem to make people lose perspective.

Oh and this is also why I think that godparents should be chosen very carefully, and preferably from within the family!

@EmrysAtticus See your story is a case in point. I met up with two of my best friends last year to jointly celebrate our 30th birthdays. The one I considered my absolute best friend announced that she had got engaged months ago and the wedding was all booked and planned and we weren't even invited.

So you don’t stay in touch at all between get togethers , even though she is your “best friend?” It sounds more like she was simply your oldest friend, not your best friend and the friendship is now an occasional habit, especially if you aren’t even in touch by texting or Facebook. Most people who don’t meet up regularly at least would text regularly “hi, how are things? Any news?” “Hi, yes, great - I got engaged at the weekend!” Etc. Or know from FB that the person had got engaged.

It sounds like there are a lot of people seem to think that just because you’ve been known someone a long time then that makes you really good friends. This simply isn’t the case.

Does she have more close family than you op?
Could that be it. Maybe she has several nieces and nephews.
With regards to the dress, I don't think it's unusual to just take your mum or sister.

Oh, I'm sorry you're hurt OP

It's difficult. When you only see someone a few times a year, it's understandable that you might grow apart. My best friend from childhood is one of those people I could not speak to for months and we'd pick up where we left off, but I wouldn't consider her as a bridesmaid - simply because we live in different places and have different lives now. I'd be asking the people I see everyday or speak to regularly. That doesn't mean I don't care about her anymore, just that our lives are in totally different places now.

I didn't have bridesmaids when I got married precisely to avoid all this drama - you're bound to upset someone and obviously you can't have everyone there, so sometimes it's easier to have nobody!

Please try not to take your friends' decision personally. I know it's hard but I doubt she was being malicious.

@obligations

Bibidy - so your friend didn't choose one of the 6 of you - was she supposed to have you all? Or just choose a couple of you and then have the ones who weren't bridesmaids get all upset? 'While it was upsetting that none of us were involved in her wedding it was more upsetting that she never even broached the subject with us to let us know before we found out through someone else's celebrations.' Well maybe she was busy planning her wedding and didn't want to have to cater to everyone's potential hurt feelings.

Nope, didn't expect her to have all of us or even pick and choose between us, but a heads up that she wasn't going to have any of us would have been nice. Even if she'd just sent exactly what you've just said!

As for Well maybe she was busy planning her wedding and didn't want to have to cater to everyone's potential hurt feelings...........well maybe I'm busy in my own life too, but that doesn't mean I don't care about my friends' feelings anymore!

I hate this attitude that because you're getting married you're above having to consider how you make others feel, everything is 100% about you now and everyone else can get f*cked.

Of course a bride can have whoever she wants in her wedding party, but she has to beware that her choices may have repercussions - and in OP's case, they have.

I’m like Cherry I would t have a married bridesmaid with a child. One married supporter only, Matron of Honour.

As she has been so involved with important parts of your life you would assume that she placed the same value on your friendship. It isn't unreasonable to feel hurt and disappointed.

I think that, as a few pps have said, that the OP clearly takes an entirely different view of 'important parts of your life' to some of us, perhaps including her friend. To be honest, I would find all that stuff about wedding dress shopping and getting ready on your wedding morning achingly twee and weird, and while I've been a good friend's birth partner twice, I think she viewed it simply as me doing her a favour and because I was the only one who didn't think she was dicing with death having a home birth. The two friends DH and I had at our wedding as witnesses we chose not because they're our closest friends, but because they were both between jobs in London and were able to make a noon ceremony at no notice (we got a cancellation) they were doing us a favour. I'm godmother to another friend's child but again, it's primarily because I'm a baptised Catholic who was just about acceptable to a C of E priest, not some declaration of my importance to her.

I think the OP is putting far too much stress on what she views as 'significant life moments' and assuming everyone else views them as she does.

hate this attitude that because you're getting married you're above having to consider how you make others feel, everything is 100% about you now and everyone else can get fcked.*

Well it becomes very difficult because judging from this thread there are plenty of people who are professionally offended, oversensitive, controlling people. People only get married once in their life. They are entitled to make choices about who they pick for for certain roles without being made to feel guilty about it.

This is why DH and I went abroad to get married nice and peacefully on our own. When it comes to weddings these days, everyone wants a bloody say on how it’s done. There are too many wedding TV shows and films and it feeds this culture of how things should be. “You’re not having bridesmaids/hen night at all?! . Oh, you’ve GOT to! EVERYBODY does! It’s not a proper wedding without it!” “You’re not having a sit down meal at the reception?! . But great Auntie Nellie won’t manage that at all, you’ll have to reconsider.”

It’s no wonder that brides just want to scream: Oh fuck off, all of you!

Of course a bride can have whoever she wants in her wedding party, but she has to beware that her choices may have repercussions - and in OP's case, they have.
Well, only if she lets someone else's choices have repercussions on her. Why not try to have a more positive mind-set. To be callous, nobody wants a moany friend who goes on about their own hurt feelings in a situation which, as this thread has shown, can be interpreted in any number of ways.

Be positive, be brave, show up, support your friend if/when asked to and then be fun and relaxed about and at the wedding. Life is hard enough, the planet is in crisis, there's political meltdown, bad things happen good people, so don't go looking for insults and hurt. Only you are responsible for your own feelings. OP honestly, lick your wounds then dust yourself down and put on your glad rags and enjoy your old friend's big day.

I hate this attitude that because you're getting married you're above having to consider how you make others feel, everything is 100% about you now and everyone else can get fcked.*

Well hardly but most people when getting married are torn in lots of directions trying to keep family and in-laws happy so if you're someone's friend your role isn't to add to the stress!

You must be in your 40s if you have a son of 25. Yet you want to be a bridesmaid? Unless it is a very close relative like a sister, be relieved that you aren't asked. Looks ridiculous to have BMs older than 30/35 imo.

Sorry you feel sad about the friendship dwindling but as a PP said, she has been firm and honest with you. You can take it or not, but you cant do anything about it apart from show your support.

I hate this attitude that because you're getting married you're above having to consider how you make others feel, everything is 100% about you now and everyone else can get fcked.*

You can still care about your friends without picking them as bridesmaids, or "letting them down gently". When I got married it didn't even occur to me to say my friends "I'm getting married but none of you are going to be bridesmaids, sorry". I just planned my wedding the way I wanted it to be. That doesn't mean I have a nasty attitude.

If a good friend of mine got married, it wouldn't even occur to me to assume I'd be one of her bridesmaids. If I was asked, great, but if not...really? Why does it matter?

Is it really so shocking to expect your best friend to invite you to their wedding though Andy? I wasn't expecting to be a bridesmaid but no invite at all?! Doesn't help that when I got married she had only been with her now DH a couple of months and I had only met him briefly once and we were having a small wedding with only close family and friends but she asked if he could come and of course that was fine. To then not even be invited to hers let alone with a plus one was a massive kick in the teeth.

Are sure she's even having bridesmaids?

Sorry - I may have misread and you have been friends for 25 years and she was your birthing partner of DS. Not that DS is 25