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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

how to nicely get grown woman to clean

109 replies

leafyygreens · 27/08/2019 22:01

I'm in my 20s, and due to a combination of crippling student debt and choosing to pursue my dream job in london, am still living in a rented flatshare with no escape in sight Grin

The classic issue- my flatmate is messy and avoids cleaning. She keeps her bedroom door shut, but once I had to let the landlord in and it was like a teenagers with crap everywhere and a musty smell. Obviously that's completely fine as it's her space, but as mess/dirt doesn't bother her I always end up cleaning in the communal spaces.

In the end I suggested each of us cleans half the flat once a week, it's tiny so honestly takes no more than 20 mins if you're fast. We've lived together for almost a year and recently every week there's an excuse- she's tired, she's too stressed, too busy, or recently, she was upset about the situation in a country she'd recently visited and didn't feel able to clean. I have such frustration as it's not like she's so busy she has no time- she doesn't work and is doing an artsy masters that takes up around 5-10 hours each week. The rest of the time she spends in coffee shops and restaurants.

I feel weird about talking to her about it as she's a grown woman at 38. What's a non-confrontational way to go about this? Would i be unreasonable to say if you don't want to clean that's fine, but please pay for a cleaner to do your portion? She takes absolutely ages to organise or sort out anything, so I could see her saying that's fine but never actually get round to organising it. AGH. Work is stressful and the house is gross! (DM is loving the situation as I used to be a messy teenager, much to her despair)

OP posts:
longwayoff · 27/08/2019 22:18

She wont change, especially as you're the one that gets pd off and does because you cant bear it any more. Move. Seriously, move.

CheeseyOnionPie · 27/08/2019 22:20

There is only one solution to this. Get a cleaner, split the cost.

Dellow · 27/08/2019 22:24

As Judge Judy says ‘ don’t try to teach a pig to sing - it doesn’t work and it annoys the pig’ .

She won’t change. I’d probably move if possible as paying out for a cleaner ( even going halves ) would just build up resentment since it’s purely down to her laziness.

Original poster
leafyygreens · 27/08/2019 22:29

thanks all for replies! My solution was going to be suggesting she pays for a cleaner to come in fortnightly, and I'll clean the whole flat in the alternate week, does that sound reasonable? I have barely any money as it is, so don't want to pay for a cleaner when I can easily do it myself!

ugh the frustrating thing is I think she's a nice person, just very lazy. @Dellow i suspect that quote is very accurate to this situation!

OP posts:
Jesse70 · 27/08/2019 22:33

Even if u talk to them they would only change for a week or two then go back to being a midden! Move or make sure she pays for a cleaner
38 and still sharing and doing arty courses wtf eh

Chloemol · 27/08/2019 23:02

She is not going to change. Start looking for somewhere else

FlamedToACrisp · 27/08/2019 23:18

Well, if you're short of money, why doesn't she pay YOU to do her share of the cleaning?

CloudsOfRain12 · 27/08/2019 23:53

that's actually a good idea by Flamed

BackforGood · 28/08/2019 00:06

2 good solutions there - she pays for a cleaner once a fortnight and you clean the alternate week,
or
you find out what a cleaner would cost and she pays you to do her week.

Would need to guard against her thinking you are going to tidy up after her day in day out though, if she starts paying you.

3rd alternative is to find another flatshare I suppose, though that could be out of the frying pan into the fire.

Cherrysoup · 28/08/2019 00:14

Ask her to get a cleaner for her weeks.

Derbee · 28/08/2019 00:41

Offer her your solution for the cleaner. If she doesn’t want to, I’d move.

Derbee · 28/08/2019 00:42

Or clean in her weeks, and she can pay you instead of a cleaner. If you’d like the money

OhioOhioOhio · 28/08/2019 01:31

What's your job that you have to be in London

TSSDNCOP · 28/08/2019 03:08

I think she will let you hire the cleaner and then not pay.

snitzelvoncrumb · 28/08/2019 04:06

Suggest a cleaner and see what she says. If not then move out.

angell84 · 28/08/2019 04:53

I don't think that you can make other adults in a household do anything. You want to clean and she doesnt.That is the joy of sharing. If you think it is bad, she thinks it is bad too. People's levels of cleanliness very rarely match.

I remember one house that I lived in. I would come home every day from work, and one of the other housemates would nag me every day about cleaning. To me - the place was clean. And it want about that to me. What was the main point to me was " who does she think she is, to boss me around, someone who is paying to live here". I could not take her anymore and I moved out to a thankfully, more relaxed house.

It is not all her fault. Compromise

angell84 · 28/08/2019 04:54

I mean : if you think the situation is bad with her, she definitely also thinks the situation is bad with you too.
You think that she is too messy.
She thinks that you are demanding and over controlling.

You need to talk it out and compromise!

Butchyrestingface · 28/08/2019 05:39

In the end I suggested each of us cleans half the flat once a week, it's tiny so honestly takes no more than 20 mins if you're fast

If she’s lived 38 years as a slattern, she is not going to be able to clean the flat to your standard in 2o minutes. It’s debatable that she will be able to clean the flat to the standards that you would at all.

She doesn’t mind mess. You do. I think you are fundamentally incompatible. Who lived there first? I would suggest you find new accommodation/flatmate.

StevenWilson · 28/08/2019 06:05

This is actually a good idea by Flamed.

LiveInAHidingPlace · 28/08/2019 06:13

"What's your job that you have to be in London"

That's the most pointless I've seen in a while.

OP, shit flatmates never change. I'd just move. I've put up with some proper weirdoes. Never again, I'd sooner live in a box.

BeneathTheMist · 28/08/2019 06:20

I wouldn't be able to stand it! Just knowing what lurked behind the closed door would be enough for me to move out. I am clean living, one of my kids isn't and when living at home, I used to end up sorting the room out.

I think a frank conversation with her is needed, and your idea of her paying for a cleaner is a good one, but people who are dirty probably don't see the need.

OhioOhioOhio · 28/08/2019 06:29

LiveInAHidenPlace

Thanks for that. I'd say you topped me.

LiveInAHidingPlace · 28/08/2019 06:31

Oh really Ohio ?

The OP asked for advice on her living situation, not for your approval on where she lives.

MollyButton · 28/08/2019 06:45

Sorry but move. A frequent reason for flatshares not to work is incompatibility over cleaning.

HangryPants · 28/08/2019 06:51

I would probably just do the cleaning and tidying myself if it only takes 40 minutes once per week. Then it's done. Any of her stuff, I'd put in a box outside her room.