how to nicely get grown woman to clean

[leafyygreens]

I'm in my 20s, and due to a combination of crippling student debt and choosing to pursue my dream job in london, am still living in a rented flatshare with no escape in sight

The classic issue- my flatmate is messy and avoids cleaning. She keeps her bedroom door shut, but once I had to let the landlord in and it was like a teenagers with crap everywhere and a musty smell. Obviously that's completely fine as it's her space, but as mess/dirt doesn't bother her I always end up cleaning in the communal spaces.

In the end I suggested each of us cleans half the flat once a week, it's tiny so honestly takes no more than 20 mins if you're fast. We've lived together for almost a year and recently every week there's an excuse- she's tired, she's too stressed, too busy, or recently, she was upset about the situation in a country she'd recently visited and didn't feel able to clean. I have such frustration as it's not like she's so busy she has no time- she doesn't work and is doing an artsy masters that takes up around 5-10 hours each week. The rest of the time she spends in coffee shops and restaurants.

I feel weird about talking to her about it as she's a grown woman at 38. What's a non-confrontational way to go about this? Would i be unreasonable to say if you don't want to clean that's fine, but please pay for a cleaner to do your portion? She takes absolutely ages to organise or sort out anything, so I could see her saying that's fine but never actually get round to organising it. AGH. Work is stressful and the house is gross! (DM is loving the situation as I used to be a messy teenager, much to her despair)

I think the flat mate paying for a cleaner every other week, or paying OP to do her share, sounds like a brilliant idea.

As for artiness and uncleanliness going together - not so much. I’m not in the least bit arty, but I am untidy and take a long time to get round to the cleaning. DH does not like it, but I don’t pay any attention because I do all the washing, shopping, cooking and clearing up the kitchen. He doesn’t get to complain until he does more himself.

Artists are dirty. 👆

milliefiori has a great idea of you both cleaning together - how refreshing and positive. Could that work OP?

Does she like it/comment on how lovely it is after it has been cleaned? Or not even notice?

If the former you may stand a chance of getting her on board one way or another - ie she likes is clean but is too lazy to do it. If the latter (she doesn't notice/care )then I think you may struggle as why would she pay for something she doesn't give a crap about.

Maybe bite the bullet - do a big clean with zero nagging/comments to her at all and see if she notices the lovely clean flat. Have a non-confrontational chat with her about it and, as PP above, try and compromise. If she really doesn't care about communal living areas she can surely see the benefit of a hygienic kitchen/bathroom? Does she ever have guests back - would she care for their benefit? Does she cook - so like a clean space to cook in? Long baths - sparkly bathroom ticks her box?

If no fucks are given by her though, then maybe you will just have to suck up the cleaning of the sitting room and agree to share the hygiene duties.

Try to aim for lowered blood pressure (for you) about is as your outcome.

So ultimately that will be an agreed sharing of cleaning (whether she pays or not). Or accept she does not care and you have to do it.

Give her one last chance to clean or agree to paying for the cleaner.
If it doesn't work out, you'll need to look for different accommodation. Like others have said, rubbish flat mates rarely change.

Agree with those saying it’s like some husbands, or anyone you ever live with! You have to compromise which means it’s not always perfectly 50/50 fair :)

If she’s a good flat mate in all other aspects, just get a cleaner and split it. Normal flat mates who don’t actually drive you mad are really hard to find!

If it’s takes 40mins it will cost you about £7 per week if you split it!

Oh, and if she is super lazy, organising a cleaner would be a total no-goer for her.

Find out how much one would cost. Don't put a barrier into her way of agreeing to it - make it really easy.

It may be pandering to her in some ways - but if your aim is to make your life easier think of that - not trying to change the personality traits/win battles with a flatmate. Life is too short and it will not get what you want - a clean flat without you feeling hacked off.

Thank you OP for gifting us I AM A ARTIST (I’m never using “an” again)!

You sound lovely and this thread has made me reminisce about my days in London flat shares. Very fun days and you will miss them when they’re gone!

Your flat mate sounds like she kind of rocks tbh. I am 38 and the artsy MA plus coffee shop time sounds fun 😂

Good luck with everything OP!

I would advice that you don't tell her to pay you for cleaning. She will expect you to clean up after her because she is paying. Get an outside cleaned.

@TheUltimateGoober beat me to it. With all the rudeness on this thread no one else picked up on that gem from @Jesse70.

My experience was that I could no nothing about this but to do all the cleaning myself. My flatmate never did anything other than leave a mess everywhere.

Is that an excuse? Being arty = being manky and lazy?
She sounds a lazy cow, her excuses are very imaginative though 🙄🤣

ilovesooty I think Jesse70 was being ironic.

@theultimategoober

she sounds like a lazy mess who needs to sort her life out
And of she can't at least keep the communal areas clean that's worrying

She is a lazy mess because like u say she refuses to clean and says she's tired and her house and room are a mess
She's 38 and should know better and if u think I'm a bigot because I don't approve of her lifestyle yet you clearly have an issue with my opinion so that makes you a bigot

Does it not make u wonder what her life is all about?
What has she been doing the past 38 years to be in education now? I doubt she has any kids going by her living situation and spending her spare time in coffee shops.
I'm all for people bettering themselves but this doesn't sound like it
Sounds like someone who just glides through life and doesn't care about anyone else except herself
Usually people who get into education later on is because life has got in the way yet it seems she has no responsibility
Wouldn't u agree?

@Jesse70 alot of women do not want kids.

Yeah some don't that's irrelevant
I used that as an example of why someone may go into education later

Although it seems like a good idea to get her to pay you to clean, I think this might build up resentment if she expects that you clean up her room / do her laundry etc. Just because she’s messy and dirty doesn’t mean she will be happy with your standard if she’s paying for it.

I would ask her to get someone in to clean once a fortnight or I would move out.

Jesse70 maybe (shock horror) she lives life in this way because she wants to? She doesn’t have children because she doesn’t want them? She is in education because she enjoys learning? Just because someone doesn’t fit the marriage, mortgage and 2.4 children mould, doesn’t mean their life is wasted!