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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

how to nicely get grown woman to clean

109 replies

leafyygreens · 27/08/2019 22:01

I'm in my 20s, and due to a combination of crippling student debt and choosing to pursue my dream job in london, am still living in a rented flatshare with no escape in sight Grin

The classic issue- my flatmate is messy and avoids cleaning. She keeps her bedroom door shut, but once I had to let the landlord in and it was like a teenagers with crap everywhere and a musty smell. Obviously that's completely fine as it's her space, but as mess/dirt doesn't bother her I always end up cleaning in the communal spaces.

In the end I suggested each of us cleans half the flat once a week, it's tiny so honestly takes no more than 20 mins if you're fast. We've lived together for almost a year and recently every week there's an excuse- she's tired, she's too stressed, too busy, or recently, she was upset about the situation in a country she'd recently visited and didn't feel able to clean. I have such frustration as it's not like she's so busy she has no time- she doesn't work and is doing an artsy masters that takes up around 5-10 hours each week. The rest of the time she spends in coffee shops and restaurants.

I feel weird about talking to her about it as she's a grown woman at 38. What's a non-confrontational way to go about this? Would i be unreasonable to say if you don't want to clean that's fine, but please pay for a cleaner to do your portion? She takes absolutely ages to organise or sort out anything, so I could see her saying that's fine but never actually get round to organising it. AGH. Work is stressful and the house is gross! (DM is loving the situation as I used to be a messy teenager, much to her despair)

OP posts:
joystir59 · 28/08/2019 07:49

I'm clean and tidy.

Cleanmywindows · 28/08/2019 07:53

Agree with the people saying cleanliness is in the eye of the beholder. The person with the higher standards isn't automatically 'right'. What are your needs? Try stating them openly and plainly in those terms, I.e as YOUR needs, as that is what they are. She apparently does not share the need for scheduled weekly cleaning, and it certainly isn't an absolute. Perhaps she has some needs also, and you could use this as an opportunity to find out what they are. Good luck, living in a flat share is tough.

SoyDora · 28/08/2019 07:55

I'm clean and tidy

Then genuine question, what point were you making with your post?

joystir59 · 28/08/2019 07:55

I'm not the first to point out that the OP judges her flatmate. There is a disparaging tone to her post. Following an 'artsy' (arts) career is as valid as any career. In fact I know many children who don't value their creative talent because of this dismissive attitude to the arts.

joystir59 · 28/08/2019 07:59

Anyway, all the advice given is good and constructive. I hope you can reach an acceptable compromise OP, because you could do a lot worse in terms of flatmate. It is often hard to share living space.

Eeyoreshouse · 28/08/2019 08:01

As a veteran of London house shares (now escaped thankfully) I suggest talking to her face to face (under no circumstances chicken out and leave a note as that can cause all sorts of misunderstandings) using all sorts of "I" language not "you" language. So, when I come in at night I feel very unhappy about the state of the flat. (Not you are a lazy lump and you need to get off your arse and clean.) Say, the fact that it is not clean and tidy is making me feel depressed. Then suggest a couple of solutions. Then reiterate at the end "so I have your agreement that you will xyz.".

Good luck op! I've been there and it's grim. I had one PhD flat mate say to me "in a pluralistic society, we shouldn't be forced to clean". In response I handed her the hoover, a dustpan and brush and a bucket of hot soapy water Grin

MollyButton · 28/08/2019 08:05

When I was at your stage of life I read a very good article about choosing a flatmate. One thing it did was divide housemates into 4 categories: The neat freak, the Kinda tidy, the sorta tidy, and the messy. The neat freak and messy know who they are on the whole, and develop coping strategies or live alone.
The Kinda tidy and the sorta tidy, think they have the same level of tidiness. Which is where the trouble begins.

Crucial questions to ask are things like: when would you empty a waste basket? When its full or squish it down and wait until it won't take any more.There is a cup in the sink - how long do you leave it before you wash it up?

Of course she could be just "messy", or you could be a "neat freak" in which case you are basically incompatible.
But I am surprised that you don't have a clearly defined "cleaning rota". Every successful (and even the unsuccessful) flat share I've been in had one.

gospelsinger · 28/08/2019 08:06

Maybe she would pay you to clean on her weeks?

deydododatdodontdeydo · 28/08/2019 08:11

Ah, house sharing, I remember those days.
One house I lived in, with 4 others, most of us were clean-ish and tidy-ish, but we slowly ended up with hardly any crockery and cutlery.
We suspected one of the other housemates so went into her room while she was out.
There were stacks of dirty plates, overgrown with mould, mugs with green fur growing out of them [vom]
Almost our entire household plates, bowls, mugs and cutlery was in there.
Of course we had to remove them and wash them ourselves.
Until the next time she did it.
These people won't change.

VenusClapTrap · 28/08/2019 08:13

She won’t change.

PastelPotential · 28/08/2019 08:15

In my head I am now saying 'I am an artist' with the stress on different words.
I am an ARTIST; I AM an artist etc.

I have found a new catchphrase.
;

milliefiori · 28/08/2019 08:16

If it honestly only takes 20 mins, you are expending way more energy on her not cleaning than you would her cleaning.

I expect she doesn't know how to lean, that may sound mad but if her room's a tip and she's born disorganised then she'll be overwhelmed at where to start. Being 'too upset' about a situation in a country she visited sounds exactly like this sort of overwhelm. Tell her it's not a big job and you only feel hacked off because you feel she's taking advantage of you.

Ask her to clean with you. Show her it's fun. Put on loud music, open the windows, light a scented candle. Give her a specific job to do and a bit of praise as she does it. Keep it really simple.

If she's still refusing, get her to pay you to do her share, or at least pay for the cleaning products and a 'thank you' bottle of wine. If you can't even negotiate that, she's a total drain and you need to move out or ask her to move on.

milliefiori · 28/08/2019 08:17

I meant 'than you would on cleaning for her.' Pre-coffee brain.

Myriade · 28/08/2019 08:27

I like the idea of cleaning WITH you. This coud make it more fun for you (you say she is a nice person) and will force her to step up/learn/not feel overwhelemed/not be lazy.

doxxed · 28/08/2019 08:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

RantyAnty · 28/08/2019 08:28

Specifically what parts is she not cleaning?

Does she leave food on the bench and dirty pans, etc. in the sink?
Are her personal items all over the common areas?

HappyParent2000 · 28/08/2019 08:33

I lived in shared house for over a year, I don’t think anyone ever cleaned.

I made my meals when I when home to visit my partner at the weekend, put them in the freezer and never cooked anything there!

I used the fridge and washed up my own stuff and apart from keeping my own room clean that was it.

I also ate a lot of takeaways and put on a craptop of weight doing it.

Original poster
leafyygreens · 28/08/2019 08:36

Thank you all!

Plot twist - I AM A ARTIST. I was given a great paid opportunity in London (although obviously not paid enough to live alone)
Genuine apologies to those who though I was being rude, I specified ‘artsy’ as it does mean relatively, compared to a stem subject, you have free time. Didn’t give the course name as it’s so niche would be outing ;)

I’ve going to offer up the idea of her paying me to clean, that could work v well for both of us

OP posts:
Original poster
leafyygreens · 28/08/2019 08:37

An! An artist! Ignore my tired brain

OP posts:
AnotherNightWatering · 28/08/2019 08:40

I know this isn't what the thread is about, but well done in getting a paid job as an artist! Grin And good luck with the housemate!

WelshMoth · 28/08/2019 08:41

Direct Debit.

Original poster
leafyygreens · 28/08/2019 08:43

@AnotherNightWatering thank you so much :) I was working in an office job for 2-3 years and genuinely thought it would never happen!

OP posts:
LillianGish · 28/08/2019 08:44

An equal level of mess tolerance is an essential quality between flat mates. Whether someone is a neat freak/pig is all in the eye of the beholder. If it only takes 20 minutes to clean the effort of having the argument is probably greater than the effort of cleaning. I don’t see the point of her paying a cleaner once a fortnight if she doesn’t clear up in the interim. In your situation (and I have been many years ago) I would assign her some specific tasks - emptying the bins might be one for instance - then you can nag her if these are not done. I don’t think you can ever get a messy person to see what you think needs doing and being clear on your roles can make this easier.

Zaphodsotherhead · 28/08/2019 08:46

So what did the landlord say on seeing her messy room? Was he/she laid back about it or did they flip and say it needed to be cleaned?

Could you get the landlord on side (or pretend that you did?). Just say that the landlord has complained about the lack of cleaning and you will lose your deposit/have the rent increased if it isn't done.

That was absolutely the only way that I could get my teenage kids to lift a finger around our (rented) house, to tell them we'd be forced to move if the landlord complained about the mess once more. In my case it was quite true.

Fresta · 28/08/2019 08:52

If it only takes 40 minutes a week to clean the flat then I'd just do it myself!

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