To think we're deluding ourselves over childcare?

[aliteralAIBUforonce]

I have a child who goes to nursery one day a week. I am very lucky that I can go part time and family have the rest of the time.

He's been doing this since he was 11 months and I hate it. He doesn't dislike it but he doesn't look forward to it either. A couple of times o have dropped him off then had to duck back into the cloak room and I've seen him looking rather lost and alone at the breakfast table. Breaks my heart.

A few times when I've been out and about I've seen staff from nurseries taking groups of kids out. They never, ever engage with the kids. Just each other. Bloody joyless experience by the looks of it. Those are the better ones too.

AIBU to think that we're going to see an epidemic of adolescent mental health problems is the next few years?

This is a shit was to bring up our kids.

I think you've started this thread with nefarious intentions op.

My DD loved her nursery and had a close and caring relationship with the girls who worked there. Her key worker was in tears the day she graduated.

I started this thread because I think it's a discussion worth having.

Many people say that they work because they have no choice but then mention a career they would hate to lose.

We need some way of working or standard of childcare that is affordable that remedies this.

There is no other nursery I can physically access. I'm stuck.

Yes, I agree it does not sound good and I wouldn’t leave my child there either, for one day a week or five. Might be time to rethink childcare.

My DD goes to nursery part time and loves it there. The bond she has with her key person is lovely and she’s truly nurtured there. Same with everything really- there are good and bad options, and maybe the bad childcare options will impact negatively on the mental health of individuals exposed if they’re particularly susceptible.

YABU. The nursery is the problem and the fact it's only one day (my kid nurseries insisted on a minimum of 2). My children loved their time at nursery and gained many social and play skills. We also lived in a small flat so hearing that they played outside for hours a day was wonderful.

Have you tried getting involved in Ds's nursery life, do you attend open Days, volunteer to go in and help with trips etc? Some nurseries have a parents association, and have parents come in on the weekend to help with gardening or whatever. It's not just a cost saving exercise, having a good relationship with your child's nursery is great for both of you. I hope that the people caring for your child aren't aware of your distaste for them.
Oh and FWIW, I believe in attachment parenting principles, and have worked in a day nursery, the two aren't mutually exclusive.

Could we possibly say that the rise in young adult mental health could be attributed to this reason? I think so. I know many, many people will not agree but I reckon so. Not enough time with those who are there to protect them - their safety nets.

I went back to work when DD was 12 months old. I found an excellent nursery and DD always seemed to enjoy her time there. She has always been very sociable and needs plenty of different people to keep her happy and occupied. I think it was very positive thing to have other children and adults around her, and not just me all the time. She made some good friends at nursery, children and adults.

She's now a teenager and shows no signs of mental health problems, she has great friends, she's creative and is always at the top in school. She's doing a lot better than I did, and I stayed at home when I was young.

I suppose I need to wait until adulthood to find out if it was detrimental, but I doubt it.

So kids MH will be affected because theyve attended nursery because their parents have to work.Ridiculous!
Make people feel like shit why dont you?

Could we possibly say that the rise in young adult mental health could be attributed to this reason? I think so. I know many, many people will not agree but I reckon so. Not enough time with those who are there to protect them - their safety nets.

Please expand on what sort of mental health issues you mean and cite us some sources backing up this claim.

Attachment theory is not misogynist if you ignore the socially constructed assumption that the mother should be the primary caregiver.

It doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman, or a parent or relative or other person, just that the child has a secure and loving ongoing relationship with a reliable and trustworthy adult, who will respond to their needs appropriately and behave consistently. That's the foundation for a healthy attachment style, and building good relationships in life.

I don't have kids yet but thought good nurseries assign a key worker to each child, so they do build a trusting relationship with them in the time they're in daycare?

I often think too nurseries probably just suit extroverted children more, and introverted ones must find them more tiring, even if they really enjoy the social side of things. I mean I'm a sociable person but also an introvert - so I like plenty of quiet time alone to recharge.

So probably just depends on the individual child, as to how comfortable they are there, and if it tires them out quickly or not when constantly around other kids.

I bet sending him for longer than 1 day a week would remedy half the issues you have with how he feels about it. I'm not surprised he looks lost when he goes, he probably doesnt know what to do. There is literally no point in using an actual nursery if you're only sending them for one day a week.

I agree with you unfortunately OP. I think there’s a tendency to put the rose-tinted spectacles on when it comes to nurseries. People tell themselves their children are “thriving” etc, but what choice do they have?

Think about it this way. Most nursery workers will be on minimum wage or not much more. They have their own families to worry about. Do you think they give a hoot about who has done a lovely picture or whatever they say. No they do not.

Most nurseries are simply “holding facilities” for kids with a thin veneer of happy-clappiness.

The reality is that most are under-staffed; run for profit and the staff spend more time going mind-numbing form-filling than anything positive with the kids.

I agree @Runningsmooth

The nuclear family and children only forming an attachment to a single person (the mother) is not natural though, is it - if you look at humanity over the ages and the world. No wonder women get PND. Children being cared for in groups with other children there is far more normal for us humans.

My sons nursery is absolutely excellent. The staff go over and above. Perhaps look around at some alternatives.

Another vote here that 1 day a week may lead to insecurity but I also think that your leap to MH issues is not well founded but all parents make up these little theories about stuff to help us validate our own parenting decisions.

So you don't like nursery's and they are all shit.

You don't like childminders as they are horrible.

Nanny?
More relatives?
Don't work anymore?

You are not after a conversation you are point blank refusing anything anyone else is saying.

Plus it’s mind-numbing enough reading nursery rhymes and doing endless messy play with your own kids. You only do it because you love them. Imagine doing it for years in end for MW. How enthusiastic would you be, even with the best intentions?

The thing is, kids have been in childcare for decades. I’m 36 and my sister almost 40 and we both went to nurseries and childminders. Since I grew up a lot has changed for children. Technology, social media, the kinds of foods we feed them, social and sporting opportunities, exam pressure, foreign travel opportunities etc... so I just can’t see how we could attribute an increase in mental health issues to poor nursery care when there are so many environmental and personal factors that can’t be controlled for.

All we can do as parents is make good choices that suit our individual children. It might be that your child doesn’t do well at the particular nursery you’ve chosen but that can’t be extrapolated to a population of children who may or may not benefit from being cared for in a nursery setting.

Feeling guilty is hard, so change the situation for your child instead of trying to recruit to your guilt club.

Are there any childminders? Nanny share? or a nanny who brings her own DC along to make it cheaper? I think for a lot of 1 and 2 year olds a smaller setting/ home like environment can be less stressful.

I don’t see childcare as a just somewhere to put DC when you work though, it’s for their benefit too, especially older ones...I have a very social and confident 3.5 year old and he loves nursery...he always gos even if I’m ill or have the day off. He does 3 long days a week and DM always says it’s a shame we can’t afford 5 (we come from a country where all 3 year old DC go to nursery school 9-4ish 5 days a week).

There has been a rise in mental health problems over the last thirty years or so.

This is probably partly down to better diagnosis but I do wonder if the increased reliance on childcare has contributed?

America has shite maternity leave and horrendous levels of mental health problems...

The idea that attachment parenting is anti-feminist is bizarre as that argument is actually suggesting that the role of the mother is insignificant.

@aqua00 - what a negative view. That may have been your DC’s experience of nursery but wasn’t at the one my DC’s spent four years full time. We had regular reports when they were babies and obviously as they got older they told us what they had done during the day. They did thrive there.

My children are incredibly lucky to have four living, loving and involved grandparents, but I know full well that if they provided regular childcare (which they don’t live close enough to do) then my children would have a real hotchpotch of a week. Grandma and Grandad A would be much more permissive than DH and me and allow far more treats and fewer boundaries; Grandma and Grandad B are probably stricter than us but would ensure a really broad range of outings and experiences. All would care for my children with wonderful, unconditional love but my children would find it incredibly confusing and unsettling to have to switch registers throughout the week. A day of nursery on top of that would throw them completely.

Have you sat down with the other adults who care for your child and really, honestly considered what his experience of the week is like?

That’s quite a sweeping statement to make based on your own single experiences.

I'm not asking for suggestions for my personal situation- just wondering if others feel the same and it is a debate worth having.

Also, how can I make someone feel shit if their nursery is fantastic?