To think we're deluding ourselves over childcare?

[aliteralAIBUforonce]

I have a child who goes to nursery one day a week. I am very lucky that I can go part time and family have the rest of the time.

He's been doing this since he was 11 months and I hate it. He doesn't dislike it but he doesn't look forward to it either. A couple of times o have dropped him off then had to duck back into the cloak room and I've seen him looking rather lost and alone at the breakfast table. Breaks my heart.

A few times when I've been out and about I've seen staff from nurseries taking groups of kids out. They never, ever engage with the kids. Just each other. Bloody joyless experience by the looks of it. Those are the better ones too.

AIBU to think that we're going to see an epidemic of adolescent mental health problems is the next few years?

This is a shit was to bring up our kids.

1 day a week childcare is never a good idea. They just don't settle there as it's not enough time.

My child loves her childcare. She has been asking for it over the summer holidays as she has missed her friends and keyworker.

I think you need to look a little closer to home, OP. How many caregivers does your child have throughout the week, and how consistent are your and their approaches to discipline, routine, food, activities etc?

I think that there is some truth in your instinct. There is decent research to suggest that good quality early years education is very effective at improving outcomes for small children, and it is reasonable to hypothesise that very poor quality care could do some damage. That being said, I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect a small child to settle in a childcare setting for only day a week. Children need consistency in order to feel secure.

Mothers get very limited maternity leave in the US and all the women I know have had to put their kids into daycare from around 6-10 weeks of age.

If that was the cause of mental health issues it would be clearly differentiated between countries with different systems.

You picked a shitty nursery; find better childcare.

OP - I'd just give up work if I were you. You'll never be satisfied.

Would love to see evidence for this assertation.

1 day a week isn't enough for a child to make really strong friendships with either other children or the staff. My ds went three days and loved his friends and some of the staff (all staff were lovely but there were 2-3 he particularly loved). He's now into his second year of school but still talks about some of the nursery staff members and friends he made.

That's a shit nursery. They aren't all like that, by any manner of means. When I was pg I did a great deal of nursery stalking (fairly easy in a small town) and was very confident in my choice. More so when one of the suppliers I worked with opened a new office directly across the lane from my chosen nursery and I could see and hear the workers interacting beautifully with the DCs.

Of course, not all nurseries are created equal and where you have minimum wage work, costs being cut to the bone because of the early years' payments, etc, there are going to be issues. We should be talking about that rather than 'all nurseries are shit'.

OP I seriously think that nursery is not for you , your child I am not sure, but definitely not for YOU. What I mean is that I think you may not be happy with ANY nursery setting so therefore should look into an alternative. There are plenty on here that say their experiences differ from yours but I don't think you believe them because you have tarred all nurseries with the same brush eg disinterested, non engaging staff etc. I am not saying there aren't bad nurseries out there but a majority are good and a few really great ones. The fact your child only goes one day a week is probably why you say he looked "lost" probably in my experience just taking a few minutes to readjust as it has been 7 days since he was in that setting 7 days is a long time for a 2 year old.

Mine go to a small private nursery. No more than 15 a day and it doesn’t matter when I turn up to collect them; they’re always happy and the staff are attentive and involved in their play. They got an unsatisfactory ofsted a few years ago due to paperwork not being in place for some key policies which didn’t bother me. They’re ‘good’ again now but they are excellent for what we want.

I say find a more suitable nursery and more than one day a week is preferable for attachments to be made and consistency.

Both my DC were in full time nursery from a young age and loved it. Never had any problems, they loved going and were happy when I picked them up and had lovely relationships with their key workers.

As others have said, it’s likely a combination of only being one day a week so hasn’t formed attachments AND it not being a great nursery.

Regarding working. I'm a lone parent, I tried to do the "right thing" after having DS1 when I was young and just about managing. For my younger DC I was married, we had our own house, both working to ensure adequate income etc. Didn't stop my STBX"D"H bogging off and leaving me to it. No maintenance cheque either as he got sacked recently. So now I either work and use childcare (cruel mother, abandoned children, greedy for luxuries) or I stop working and (probably unsuccessfully nowadays) claim full benefits (scrounger, lazy, entitled, setting a bad example). I literally can't win.

You’ve picked a shit nursery and one day a week is difficult for most small children (it’ll take them 5 times as long to settle in as a child who goes every day - on average, of course). I wouldn’t pick a nursery based on an Ofsted report either - personal recommendation and a number of visits is how we picked ours and I’m perfectly comfortable leaving DD there for 3 days a week. She’s got a really strong attachment to a couple of members of staff and I much prefer the nursery setup to the childminder options where I live which all looked a bit subpar and unreliable.

I've seen plenty of fed up, tired, bored looking grandparents pushing prams about too.
We used nurseries from four and five months pt. No family to help. Teens now, all fine, our pensions look good and we owe nobody anything.

@aliteralAIBUforonce

"He's two.

Where do I find a better nursery? There aren't any.

It's truly shit situation."

Oh get a grip is it a truly shit situation, you need some perspective. If it's as god awful as you say it is, find a childminder or change your or your husband's working situation. But a lot of people would bite your hand off for your "situation".

@aliteralAIBUforonce "I'm not trying to make other people feel bad- I'm raising something that many don't want to think about. It's scary and horrible- so shoot the messenger, obviously..."

So you're not looking for help at all, just trolling.

You got a shit nursery. ofsted ratings are an indication, not THE TRUTH.
My kids love their childminder, who are like an extra set of relatives (with childcare qualifications!) for them

(mind you, most grandparent care i’ve seen isn’t what i would wish on my child - or on my parents!)

From your OP your only criticisms about the actual nursery your child goes to is that he's not excited about going, and you've seen him standing looking lost when he goes in for breakfast. Your comment about staff chatting to each other and not the children seems to be in relation to other nurseries.

You say he's been going since he was 11 months. How long is that now?

Any chance you could hang around one morning and pop back after 20 mins or so? The initial looking lost could just be a transition thing, in the same way that some children need time to wake up properly before eating, whilst others will dive headlong into food. It could be that if you checked on him a wee while later he'd have settled in and be much happier.

And I agree with others - one day a week is too little for something so different to everything else in his life. He needs more time there so it takes less time to get used to it each week.

YABU
1 day a week isn't enough for the child to be able to settle really well.

Your nursery doesn't sound very good, i see the staff in my dd engage with her and the other kids, they are excited to tell me when she has learnt something new

I wouldn't use nursery for my children. I feel there is no substitute for the love of family. Although women have always worked, family childcare was used. Child minders would be an acceptable alternative for me if I had no choice as they can build a loving one to one relationship with a child. That's just the way I feel.

Try a new nursery. Ours is nothing like you describe.

DS didn't thrive at day nursery when I went back to work part-time. Always ill, always cranky. Different child when he stopped going at 15/16 months. Was a sahm when dd came along and didn't go back to work until she settled into reception. DS was a bit cranky settling dd took to it like a duck to water.

It wasn't ds who developed mh problems at 15 which included anxiety, depression, cutting, not eating and od's. Go figure.

She's fine now btw. Because I had £6k to spend on private psychiatric care and diagnosis because the state CAMHS didn't give a flying fuck. And I don't believe it's about resources either.

1 day a week is impossible for a child that young to settle well.

Your nursery doesn’t sound great - as PP said the Ofsted isn’t that important.

Use a childminder. Yes, yours was awful, many aren’t. Go by recommendation, especially someone who has an older child with them.

Mine takes my toddler all over the place - Hampton Court, soft plays, fruit picking, play groups, picnics. She sees her CM friends in groups and send videos and pics every day.

I’d choose a CM over nursery any day.

I agree OP. People tell themselves their DC love it because what is the alternative? You hear 'Archie has come on so much since he started nursery a year ago' but what baby or toddler doesn't develop dramatically over even a few months?