To think we're deluding ourselves over childcare?

[aliteralAIBUforonce]

I have a child who goes to nursery one day a week. I am very lucky that I can go part time and family have the rest of the time.

He's been doing this since he was 11 months and I hate it. He doesn't dislike it but he doesn't look forward to it either. A couple of times o have dropped him off then had to duck back into the cloak room and I've seen him looking rather lost and alone at the breakfast table. Breaks my heart.

A few times when I've been out and about I've seen staff from nurseries taking groups of kids out. They never, ever engage with the kids. Just each other. Bloody joyless experience by the looks of it. Those are the better ones too.

AIBU to think that we're going to see an epidemic of adolescent mental health problems is the next few years?

This is a shit was to bring up our kids.

Ours was the exact opposite to that.

I’ve seen them at most hours as we often picked up early or dropped off late. If not me then some family member.

Ran into key worker at Tesco once and my child ran over for a hug.

My DD (5 - just started school) absolutely adored her nursery. It's a council one in Glasgow. She'd have lived there is she could. Before she went I was dead worried as she was v. shy and timid and she'd been in a (brilliant but tiny church playgroup). Brought her right out of herself and the staff were brilliant.

I get it must vary hugely, but I think you're talking bollocks and projecting massively based on your own experience. Your updates are also quite goady - like someone's pissed on your cereal and you're out on a mission to make other parents feel shit about childcare.

Ok, so one bad childminder = all childminders are bad and one bad nursery = all nurseries are bad and we’re facing a mental health epidemic.
You sound like a very rational person OP.

Montessori nurseries are always by far the best. I'd rather go for a child minder or montessori than any other nursery.

Yours won’t be a popular view because people all want expensive holidays ,expensive area housing ,the new I phone ,i pad ...
All this requires 2 salaries ,and for both parents to work ,people need nurseries.
People expect so much more now ,possession wise .it will only get worse

My husband doesn't work because we need the money, or because we want the luxuries. We could have a decent life on my salary.

But he worked hard through school, university, post grad, and his early career until we had a DC in our mid thirties. I'm not going to ask him to give up his profession.

And the same applies to me. We like our jobs, we've worked hard for them, DD is well cared for and happy. I don't get the judgement.

(Except I do - women know thy place)

Have you tried all the available nurseries in the area?
My DC had been in an outstanding nursery before but I’ve not felt they’ve been as attentive as the one she went to which was smaller and rated good.
We’ve moved them since then because of moving house, and has the best of both - outstanding nursery but small groups and lots of lovely nursery workers who they loves and who seem to love them.
I’d maybe look at reviews from people in local groups online.

I think social media has much more of an impact on teenage mental health than the childcare setting they were in 10+ years earlier! If you've tried a couple and not been happy, then perhaps nursery isn't for you. Personally, we chose nursery care over nanny or childminder because we preferred the greater variety of children our own children mixed with. It's not for everyone though.

AIBU to think that we're going to see an epidemic of adolescent mental health problems is the next few years?

I really don't know about that.

But tbh whenever someone says they're worried about putting their baby/child into childcare for 8 or 10 hours a day, everyone just says "They'll be fine".

But the truth is parents have to work, so even if the child isn't fine they just have to get on with it.

Such is life.

Do more homework, and change the nursery. Don't just rely on OFSTED which at best is a snapshot.
Or use a child minder instead.

Firstly, your nursery sounds pretty poor. Secondly, if he’s only attending 1 day he won’t understand the routine or settle as it’s too infrequent.

Our nursery is brilliant, DD loves it and I often see the staff taking the children out on their walks and they are really engaged, but they will only take children for a minimum of 3 days a week because of settling issue if they attend less frequently (and this isn’t a money making thing because a 3 day minimum means they can’t time share places).

You clearly have it in your head that childcare is bad and your DS will inevitably pick up on this. Don’t send him at all if you feel this way and he’s not attending frequently enough to settle.

Depends on the nursery. I visited a few. Avoided the very popular high-rated one where the staff seemed to ignore the kids when I visited. DS went to the one where the "nursery granny" was giving one of the babies a cuddle.

It also depends on the hours - a lot of nurseries in my area wont agree to one day a week because it's not often enough to settle a child properly.

Well, if you don't like nurseries, and you don't like childminders, and you've already maxed out family care, which as you say, you're very lucky to have, then I guess you either compromise on putting your child into what you deem to be poor quality care and put up with the guilt, or you and/or dh need to think about dropping a days work and wages?

(Please don't do the 'working from home' thing where actually you're not working productively, it's a pain in the arse to everyone that is, that is held up by you being available in theory only, and also your poor kids are just being distractedly warehoused at home, as one of DH's work colleagues does).

My dd went to two different private nurseries and then the nursery attached to the school once she was 3. I felt that way about them all.

Two DS both went to school nurseries and I felt the same again. Pulled them all at one time or another and kept them home with me.

Tbh though I feel the same about school.

God ours was and is fab, my youngest has just left after 4 years there and it was so emotional all round, now both of my kids will be in their after school setting. You have a bad nursery.

A childminder is alone with the child- no supervision or transparency at all. A good childminder can be wonderful but a bad one is a fucking nightmare.

Mediocre care is a better thing to aim for, sadly.

I'm not trying to make other people feel bad- I'm raising something that many don't want to think about. It's scary and horrible- so shoot the messenger, obviously...

Fwiw our nursery will only do 2 continuous days as a minimum as the owner firmly believes its needed for children to not be confused, my kids are there FT so it wasn’t a weird sell in to me
I’m confident in my childcare choices, and that’s based a lot on gut instinct when I went to look at them all
Ofstead outstanding isn’t always best
Most expensive isn’t always best

It's shame you're so against CM's op.

CM's have rigorous OFSTED inspections, paperwork, training and and are required to follow the Early Years programme.

My dsis was a CM for 15 years and was amazing. She had waiting lists and is still friends with the parents and grown-up dcs now.

I chose a CM for my 2. I won't bore you but it was an amazing experience. CM is now a close family friend, (we actually spent part of Xmas day together) her dd is my dd closest friend (although they're 2 years apart in age) and my teen dcs look at photos and memories of the time together very fondly. They had a group of about 4/5 of all different ages. They went on lots of adventures to places I never thought of going.

But I'm sure in your eyes all CM's are shot like all nurseries are shit 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mine went 3 half sessions a week minimum, far better for them settling than 1 day a week.

So you send your child once a week someone and are surprised he hasn't settled in well/ made friends?
Or he needs a nanny - he could be shy in latge groups, who knows. YABU for wildly extrapolating about nation’s mental health just because you haven’t settled your LO well into the nursery.

That doesn't sound anything like the experience my kids had at nursery. I'm in a small town so often saw the nursery staff taking the kids to the playpark and they were very engaged with the kids.

My kids learned so much, had a great outdoor ethos and really enriched their childhood.
So they're upbringing has not been ruined by my choice to send them to nursery.

Aside from the fact the nursery just might not be the right one, I think it's the case that some children do better in those kind of settings than others. Not every child is the same, and some do better in smaller settings (like childminders), others thrive in bigger nursery settings. Some like lots of noise and activities and other children; others prefer quieter settings and a slower pace. It's about finding the right fit, I think.

I tend to agree. For years I've observed various nursery staff in my area out and about in parks etc with babies, and there's so little interaction going on. That, and being in a room with so many other little ones for hours on end, I can't see how it wouldn't be stressful for babies. Of course, being with a parent/carer doesn't guarantee interaction and attachment.

An Irish investigative programme went undercover in a chain of nurseries in Dublin recently; the results were truly horrifying. Again, can't tar them all with the same brush but on balance I can't see how 8 hours a day, 5 days a week in nurseries, as is increasingly the case, is in a baby's best interests. Lots don't have a choice but to use them however, so what's the answer?

Bad nurseries are an absolute danger to our children. I know 3 outstanding rated ones that I would t send my dog to, they just put on a good show!

I work in a little private nursery and we’re so so devoted to making the future brighter for all our charges.

You just need to find a good nursery....maybe a childminder? X

If this is true and I sincerely doubt it. What are employers and Dads going to do about it?? OP I suspect you just happen to have a clingy child. Mine both love nursery.they have loads of friends and are very confident and outgoing. They've learned loads more than they would've stuck at home with me. But thanks for the guilt trip. Apparently I only work to fund luxury holidays. Not because I enjoy my job and its as valued as my husbands.