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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we're deluding ourselves over childcare?

769 replies

aliteralAIBUforonce · 26/08/2019 16:33

I have a child who goes to nursery one day a week. I am very lucky that I can go part time and family have the rest of the time.

He's been doing this since he was 11 months and I hate it. He doesn't dislike it but he doesn't look forward to it either. A couple of times o have dropped him off then had to duck back into the cloak room and I've seen him looking rather lost and alone at the breakfast table. Breaks my heart.

A few times when I've been out and about I've seen staff from nurseries taking groups of kids out. They never, ever engage with the kids. Just each other. Bloody joyless experience by the looks of it. Those are the better ones too.

AIBU to think that we're going to see an epidemic of adolescent mental health problems is the next few years?

This is a shit was to bring up our kids.

OP posts:
Venger · 26/08/2019 16:44

It sounds like an issue with the nursery you're using rather than childcare in general. All children are different and a setting that suits one won't necessarily suit another and some children do better with a childminder than a nursery.

Original poster
aliteralAIBUforonce · 26/08/2019 16:44

The first was worse- they stuffed them into a buggy for a tantrum.

I've seen plenty of other nurseries taking the kids out round here. All disengaged, miserable staff who didn't talk to the kids.

OP posts:
MissBPotter · 26/08/2019 16:44

My dd genuinely enjoys her nursery. I still feel bad dropping her off sometimes but she gets a lot out of it, I would say because she is outside most of the day as it’s based around forest school. So I agree, try looking at other alternatives.

There is arguable already an epidemic of teen mental health issues. Childcare could be part of the issue but I think too much time at home in front of a screen is a bigger issue. Just my opinion. I have to say that kids that have Parents who are barely around as teens are more likely to get in trouble in my experience. So long working hours for both parents isn’t good at any age really.

Passthecherrycoke · 26/08/2019 16:44

Your nursery doesn’t sound very good but one day a week is no good either. He will struggle to integrate. You can’t really mix and match childcare like that children prefer consistency

fattt · 26/08/2019 16:45

Look, as interesting as attachment studies are, there is also a lot of misinformation and misogynistic bollocks about it.

Children who go to nursery, providing they have a loving caregiver, will not display attachment disorders in later life. Nor will the children left to cry for short periods while someone has a shower, the children put in a pram not a sling and the children who are sleep trained.

AP has no evidence behind it whatsoever.

Find your kid a better nursery.

Lemonsqueasy · 26/08/2019 16:45

Maybe because he has a 6 day break in between each visit there he never quite gets in the swing of it?

Original poster
aliteralAIBUforonce · 26/08/2019 16:46

He's two.

Where do I find a better nursery? There aren't any.

It's truly shit situation.

OP posts:
CassianAndor · 26/08/2019 16:46

I think your real problem is just one day a week. It’s not long enough to get properly settled.

At DD’s nursery they had a minimum of 2 days, I think it’s now 3.now, you could argue that that’s just getting money out of parents but personally I do think it allows the children to get used to the setting.

JudgeRindersMinder · 26/08/2019 16:47

Nurseries never appealed to me as you’ve no control over who looks after your child. This was one of the reasons we had a childminder -she was amazing

Readytogogogo · 26/08/2019 16:48

Ok, a few things:

  • Mine love their nursery and are excited to go
  • Ofsted inspections aren't important, how your children feel about the nursery is
  • Going to nursery/ having others provide childcare isn't a new situation. Throughout the centuries, the norm for most mothers has been to do some sort of work
  • Find a better nursery and stop assuming they're all the same
Original poster
aliteralAIBUforonce · 26/08/2019 16:48

More of the shit care is the answer? Really?

OP posts:
Fruityb · 26/08/2019 16:49

My son has been going to his childminder for over two years and he loves it there. He loves her, he loves what they do and he has come along leaps and bounds. He’s there five days a week term time and will be back there in a week when I’m back at school.

Sounds like you have a pants nursery or you just don’t want him to go full stop. You hate it so he will pick up on that. It’s also only one day so possibly he doesn’t like it because it’s the day he isn’t with family.

So yes YABVU as we have not chosen a shit way to raise our child - We have chosen what works best so can provide for him as best we can. You’re massively generalising here.

Venger · 26/08/2019 16:50

Yours won’t be a popular view because people all want expensive holidays ,expensive area housing ,the new I phone ,i pad ...All this requires 2 salaries and for both parents to work ,people need nurseries. People expect so much more now ,possession wise .it will only get worse

Most people work because they have no other option. For many people un lower paid jobs it's not about fancy holidays or the latest iPhone and is instead about "luxuries" like food, housing, heat, and clothing. For people with higher salaries who do go on holidays and live in expensive areas, it's about giving their family the nicer things in life and the opportunities that go alongside that. Then there are people at all ends of the pay scale who enjoy their jobs, find them fulfilling, and are mentally and emotionally stimulated by their role. Whatever a person's motivations for working, they don't deserve your judgement.

trilbydoll · 26/08/2019 16:50

Maybe you should use a childminder, it seems nursery isn't for you?

My two have both been through the same nursery, with a lot of the same staff. DD1 is very independent and can entertain herself. DD2 can't even watch TV on her own without asking for company Confused I think it suits some kids and not others, it's the interaction between their personality and the childcare setting.

MindyStClaire · 26/08/2019 16:51

DD is 16 months and has been full time for six months now. We often walk past her nursery at the weekend and have to walk on the other side of the road and distract her or she'll want to go in.

Those girls love my daughter, I have not a shadow of doubt about that and I trust them completely.

I do think one day a week is quite tough on them, they never really get into a rhythm. With DD being fulltime she actually settled in really quickly and I couldn't tell you the last time we had an unhappy drop off.

Hobsbawm · 26/08/2019 16:52

Maybe 2 half days would be better? Not more time overall but shorter periods of time in dodgy care and less of a gap between the days he goes. Could you make that work with your job and family that help?

stucknoue · 26/08/2019 16:52

To be honest kids under 2.5 really need to be with someone who responds to their individual needs all the time eg parents, family or nanny ideally (in that order) formal childcare sometimes cannot be avoided but it's always a compromise. From around 2.5 it is different though (obviously changes from child to child but at some point between 2&3) they can engage with each other and an organised programme and it becomes a better option part time (not convinced on full days if there's a choice).

There's good nurseries but even at 1:3 there's not enough attention because the caregiver is filling in forms etc

Parker231 · 26/08/2019 16:52

Sounds like you have a problem nursery. Mine went full time from six months - they are now at Uni but no mental health issues and they have good memories of the activities they did, friends they made (and still have) and the staff; two of which became our baby sitters.

Pinkblueberry · 26/08/2019 16:53

Why are you so fixated on nurseries? If it’s only one day a week, find a childminder. It’s cheaper and your DC will just have one person to connect with and maybe one or two other children. You seem to prefer coming up with overdramatic conclusions about childcare rather than proactively searching for a better setting for your DC.

fattt · 26/08/2019 16:53

I was the other way round Rinder - I didn’t like the thought of one person looking after them unsupervised.

Original poster
aliteralAIBUforonce · 26/08/2019 16:53

I don't trust childminders at all- having been sent to one as a child. She was a nasty piece of work who I wouldn't acknowledge in the street even now.

I think we need tighter regulation on it all.

OP posts:
Fruityb · 26/08/2019 16:54

Yours won’t be a popular view because people all want expensive holidays ,expensive area housing ,the new I phone ,i pad ...All this requires 2 salaries and for both parents to work ,people need nurseries. People expect so much more now ,possession wise .it will only get worse

It has nothing to do with possessions and everything to do with having a house and food on the table!! If I didn’t work we would struggle. I’ve also worked bloody hard to get where I am and don’t want to jack it in for the three years he needs childcare before school! He starts primary next year so it’ll be even less childcare and more school. It has nothing to do with gadgets and expensive holidays and everything to do with living!

Cheeky bugger!!

PooWillyBumBum · 26/08/2019 16:55

Our nursery was brilliant and DD - 11 - still talks about it fondly! I feel the same about the one I went to when I was a tot! The child I’m currently gestating will only be in 2 days a week but I’d happily put them in for longer, there are some great ones around here. I’m not really sure they need constant adult interaction. As the mother of a current only child I think the interaction with other kids of the same age was the main bonus.

EssentialHummus · 26/08/2019 16:55

Yours won’t be a popular view because people all want expensive holidays ,expensive area housing ,the new I phone ,i pad ...

And, you know, frivolities like paying the rent and spunking £50 a week on food at Tesco.

I broadly agree with you OP. I visited multiple "Outstanding" nurseries and really disliked a) the 19 year olds with not a clue what they were doing, clearly brought in en masse because they are cheaper, b) carers chatting to each other and ignoring the kids. Happened plenty.

ineedaholidaynow · 26/08/2019 16:55

Years ago DC may have been at home more but they wouldn’t necessarily have had the attention they do if you are a SAHM now or indeed at nursery. We are much more child focused than parents used to be. Housework would have taken up more time than it does now. Soft play etc wasn’t as common.

If you hate nursery do much why don’t you go or your partner go more part time?

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