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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we're deluding ourselves over childcare?

769 replies

aliteralAIBUforonce · 26/08/2019 16:33

I have a child who goes to nursery one day a week. I am very lucky that I can go part time and family have the rest of the time.

He's been doing this since he was 11 months and I hate it. He doesn't dislike it but he doesn't look forward to it either. A couple of times o have dropped him off then had to duck back into the cloak room and I've seen him looking rather lost and alone at the breakfast table. Breaks my heart.

A few times when I've been out and about I've seen staff from nurseries taking groups of kids out. They never, ever engage with the kids. Just each other. Bloody joyless experience by the looks of it. Those are the better ones too.

AIBU to think that we're going to see an epidemic of adolescent mental health problems is the next few years?

This is a shit was to bring up our kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
aliteralAIBUforonce · 28/08/2019 14:01

And unasked for advice is always helpful..

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 28/08/2019 14:07

Usually parents who come here to say their children are unhappy value advice on how to make things better. But if that's not what you came for... have a Biscuit

Original poster
aliteralAIBUforonce · 28/08/2019 14:19

You what? Did you read the OP?

The joy of MN is that it isn't just a support site. People discuss things too.

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 28/08/2019 14:30

Yes, of course I read it. So did the other people who tried to help you and were ignored, which to my mind is a MumsNet "crime" (and you did ask).

But if you'd rather argue about pre-industrial Europe then by all means, knock yourself out.

Proudofmynane · 28/08/2019 14:54

If your DC only goes once a week he won't really know anyone there. Hes not there often enough to form proper friendships!! Why should Nurseries cause long term mental health problems for everyone because your child doesnt like them? Either take him out completely and work round it or maybe put him in a different place!! My Daughter loved her nursery but when I put her Sister in a few years later it was rubbish!! Changed so much.

berlinbabylon · 28/08/2019 15:00

OP, what do you think parents with no family to help should do? Not have children

Plenty of people on MN who think that.

Camomila · 28/08/2019 15:02

I don't think the ones of us with older DC are deluding ourselves when we say our DC enjoy nursery. There are plenty of age 2.5-4 year olds that will give a running commentary of their day on the way home!

berlinbabylon · 28/08/2019 15:07

Why is it no longer the norm for mom's to stay home and raise their own children

Because it's not good for women to be dependent on men and/or benefits.

Pamplemousecat · 28/08/2019 15:10

I don’t believe the OP came here for advice at all. Her child probably doesn’t go to nursery she just wants to bash parents who send theirs. Lovely. It’s probably not worth engaging because she has been disingenuous in her first post pretending to seek advice when she’s actually just wanting to create a debate around the dubious correlation between mental health issues and nursery attendance. Sure debate is allowed but be honest. No one likes this kind of sneaky approach. OP is coming across as odder in every post. I think we are probably best leaving her to her own devices

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/08/2019 15:11

One day a week is probably not enough for him to be thoroughly used to it and happy there.

My Gdd went 3 days a week from 9 months. . Gds went 4 days a week from 12 months. Both fine, 2 excellent nurseries, and they always enjoyed it. Having been a SAHM myself when mine were very little I will admit that I was a bit anti at first but Dd and SiL needed to work so it was a necessity, and I have completely changed my mind. It's so good for learning to socialise, share, take turns, etc., and there are are more and more varied activities than they'd enjoy at home.

shearwater · 28/08/2019 15:14

I agree, OP.

I didn't feel day nursery was the right environment for DDs when they were very small, they seemed so large, noisy and impersonal and the ones in our area were only "satisfactory" with Ofsted, whereas there were a number of really good, experienced childminders. Mine loved our childminder and being in a calm, home environment and when they were two/three/four spent a bit of time at pre-school as well as the childminder. they would do three days at the childminders, also had a day with granny, then three days a week with one or both parents. It seemed like a good balance.

Original poster
aliteralAIBUforonce · 28/08/2019 15:27

@Pamplemousecat

Where did I 'pretend to seek advice'?

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 28/08/2019 15:30

I don’t believe the OP came here for advice at all... OP is coming across as odder in every post. I think we are probably best leaving her to her own devices.

I agree that this thread is probably a waste of everyone's time. I'm outta here.

Drabarni · 28/08/2019 15:42

Why is it no longer the norm for mom's to stay home and raise their own children

it is the norm, there's nothing abnormal about it. There are a few cultures for which it is expected.

manicmij · 28/08/2019 15:44

I have experience of childminders. You are deluding yourselves if you think all offer nurturing caring environments. Heard them yelling their head off at times, allowing 5 on a trampoline at a time, sitting in their house on phone when children are just wandering in garden looking lost. All passed by Inspectorate who do not witness what is actually going on day to day. With childminders there are no other witnesses day to day. At least in a nursery there are others who hopefully care.

LaurieMarlow · 28/08/2019 15:45

It’s obvious that the OP isn’t interested in any suggestions / advice in relation to her own child, so let’s a draw our conclusions from that.

Original poster
aliteralAIBUforonce · 28/08/2019 15:49

Well no, I wasn't after advice.

This is wierd!

I post an idea for discussion. People offer largely inappropriate advice which I generally politely ignore. They get upset that I ignored advice that I didn't ask for....

OP posts:
Parker231 · 28/08/2019 15:51

What inappropriate advice did you receive?

shearwater · 28/08/2019 15:53

Our childminder got together with other childminders every day, and there were other adults in the house so they were rarely alone with the children. Apart from when they were very tiny, DDs were actually able to tell me what they had done during the day, and the fact that they have fond memories of that time and are well-adjusted and happy fourteen and ten year olds now, says a lot. We also still see a good deal of our childminder, she is a close neighbour.

NewAccount270219 · 28/08/2019 15:55

I have experience of childminders. You are deluding yourselves if you think all offer nurturing caring environments.

I don't think anyone has said all childminders are good.

I do think people have impossible standards for childminders though - they want the child to be cared for by one person (fair enough) but for that person to be constantly engaging and stimulating with absolutely no break. No parent manages that. I think you have to (and I say this as someone who uses a childminder) take both the positives and negatives of a 'home from home environment' - e.g. I know ours puts the TV on while she's making lunch, and I think she does like having a cup of tea and a bit of a break at toddler group, and I think that's perfectly reasonable. They don't have to do either of those things at nursery because there's a team of them. I actually quite like that DS does 'normal life' with her - eg going to the supermarket, on the school run - but some people wouldn't. You can't expect a childminder to essentially replicate a nursery in miniature, on their own.

shearwater · 28/08/2019 15:56

Plus, you know, as I was the higher earner, going to work being able to pay the mortgage was also a pretty good idea, I thought.

shearwater · 28/08/2019 15:57

I actually quite like that DS does 'normal life' with her - eg going to the supermarket, on the school run

Yes me too.

Canuckduck · 28/08/2019 15:57

My children didn’t always love nursery but they grew to enjoy the activities of the day and form nice relationships with friends and staff. It allowed me to work and for them to get used to being with other adults in preparation for school. Realistically I think most children would choose one to one care with an engaged caregiver most days at home but that’s not life for most people.

I did prefer a nursery that didn’t take kids out. I feel that the trips out for the most part are for the staff’s benefit. I wanted a stable routine with plenty of outdoor play time instead.

LaurieMarlow · 28/08/2019 15:57

I have experience of childminders. You are deluding yourselves if you think all offer nurturing caring environments.

You’d also be deluding yourself if you think none of them do.

There is tremendous variation in all childcare settings. I’m not sure why people find this so difficult to get their heads around.

It’s up to the parent to seek out the best environment.

Original poster
aliteralAIBUforonce · 28/08/2019 16:08

@LaurieMarlow

It is up to the parent too seek out the best environment however, when the only choices are a bit shit, totally shit and quit work...

That's when regulation should step in.

OP posts:
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