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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not buying a wedding gift

134 replies

RiskItBiscuit · 26/08/2019 14:05

This isn't about any particular situation but AIBU to only buy a couple getting married a card with something though out written inside and not buy a present as I can't afford it?

I'm going to a few weddings a year at the moment and I simply cannot afford to buy gifts.

OP posts:
HappyParent2000 · 26/08/2019 16:24

We ran a list from JL for those who wanted and a collection for those who didn’t.

Even a £5 was well received as it’s attending that was important to us, not the gift.

I don’t remember who gave what 10 years on but having certain people there sticks in the memory clear as day!

gilliansgardenbench · 26/08/2019 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeithWalk · 26/08/2019 16:31

I'm with you leigh.

I'd rather you come and join the celebration than turn up with a bit of tat from the card factory that, to be brutally honest, would end up being put at the back of a cupboard until sufficient time had elapsed before I could legitimately throw it out.

And if someone is in having a hard time financially would feel even worse that they had wasted precious money on tat.

What about a personalised card, handmade or Moonpig type card, with dates, photos etc. Least you've made an effort.

LividLaughLove · 26/08/2019 16:33

I’ve been to weddings on the bones of my arse and taken no gift, because it had cost me so much to go that I literally couldn’t afford a token shite photo frame.

I’ve also not been to weddings and had to send apologies, because I was so skint I just couldn’t make it work.

I’m remarrying soon and imagine lots of people won’t bring a gift - and I’d much rather they came and didn’t feel pressured.

Crybabyghoul · 26/08/2019 16:36

Definitely NOT being unreasonable. I think it would be a stupid reason not to go just because you can't afford a gift. If I thought someone cared about that I wouldn't want to go to their wedding anyway. What a rubbish reason to get married to get gifts.

I've literally never bought a wedding present in my life! I always assume I get invited because they want me to be part of their special day and for no other reason.

Weddings are usually very expensive as you have travel, outfit, drinks etc so no I wouldn't worry at all.

Pinktulipsarethebest · 26/08/2019 16:36

Could you get them vouchers for a cheap afternoon tea? Or a basket or pretty bag with the ingredients for an afternoon tea?

Sparklybanana · 26/08/2019 16:38

Do something memorable but cheap.

Bottle of wine for first date night as married couple
Coupons for swapping the chores they hate
Two bars of chocolate for after the first fight
Bag of popcorn for first movie night

You get the drift. You could make it as cheap as you want but expensive in terms of time. I’d much prefer that than a cheap mug that said ‘mr and mrs’.

gilliansgardenbench · 26/08/2019 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sulkingroompink · 26/08/2019 16:46

Love those ideas sparklybanana, it would really make them smile to open those!

daisypond · 26/08/2019 17:03

It’s not all about money but the couple will be paying a lot per head for guests to attend the wedding and showing up empty handed looks a little ungrateful. I don’t understand this attitude - acting as if the bride and groom are doing the guests a favour that they have to then pay back. The guests are doing the bride and groom a favour in many cases - attending someone’s wedding with all the costs and time involved is not necessarily high on people’s want to do lists. How would the bride and groom feel if no one came to their wedding at all?

gilliansgardenbench · 26/08/2019 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lucylouis · 26/08/2019 17:10

My friend was skint and got us a photo frame from the pound shop and put a picture of us init- very thoughtful! I wouldn't of batted an eyelid tho if someone turned up without present I'd rather them come then worry about funding a present

BarbaraofSeville · 26/08/2019 17:24

There's been a few suggestions for charity shop wine glasses or photo frames, but posters clearly haven't thought this through very well as the reason that such items are available in charity shops is that most people already have this sort of stuff should they want or need it, so unless the couple are young and just starting out, anything 'household' is likely to end up back in the charity shop, or cluttering up their houses.

OP, I'd really just give a card, or if you feel you must give a gift, a bottle of fizz, not champagne but prosecco or cremante etc, all supermarkets have nice bottles for under a tenner.

I really can't think of anything more disheartening than a skint friend turning down a wedding invitation because they feel obliged to take an expensive gift, or even worse, getting into debt to buy household items or tat, that nobody really wants.

bridgetreilly · 26/08/2019 17:35

I really can't think of anything more disheartening than a skint friend turning down a wedding invitation because they feel obliged to take an expensive gift, or even worse, getting into debt to buy household items or tat, that nobody really wants.

This.

Having said that, my best suggestion of relatively cheap but still useful wedding present is a chocolate-themed cookbook and some high quality chocolate. Has always gone down well.

JenniR29 · 26/08/2019 17:40

‘I don’t understand this attitude - acting as if the bride and groom are doing the guests a favour that they have to then pay back. The guests are doing the bride and groom a favour in many cases - attending someone’s wedding with all the costs and time involved is not necessarily high on people’s want to do lists. How would the bride and groom feel if no one came to their wedding at all?’

It’s not a favour, just custom to show your appreciation for the invite and the fact that the bride and groom will be footing the cost of your food/drink/entertainment all day. I never said it had to be expensive or more than you can afford but the idea of showing up with nothing at all isn’t something I would personally do, I would feel bad. People are free to disagree with me, it’s a personal choice.

sounfairso · 26/08/2019 17:46

I'd want to buy something, but I'd be devastated that a friend missed my wedding because they couldn't afford something...... or it caused them a headache over money.

Honestly your friends won't mind a jot and if they do then dump them.

Enjoy!

harper30 · 26/08/2019 17:46

I think the entire wedding 'business' is mental, and I say this as someone planning my own currently.
If you're travelling to the wedding, paying to stay somewhere over night, buying an outfit etc to wear, I don't think ANYONE should judge you for only getting a card for the couple. Surely SURELY people don't get married for the gifts? And don't get pissy if people don't give them envelopes full of money???
I went to two weddings this year of some of my oldest friends but both involved travel, expense etc and I just wrote them meaningful cards. I was on maternity leave and it made no sense to hand over a load of cash to close friends just because it's their wedding?
Equally why buy a token, crap present that means nothing?
I've not had a conversation with either couple about this specifically but we're still friends so I assume it was fine with them.

I'm going to put on our invites that we don't want anything so no one feels obligated to do anything other than show up and enjoy themselves 😊

harper30 · 26/08/2019 17:47

People saying 'don't go' rather than go with just a card are idiots

Janeyoftheblock · 26/08/2019 17:49

If you go to the wedding and enjoy their hospitality then some kind of present - or donation to a charity of their choice - is a must. No present just looks rude.

covetingthepreciousthings · 26/08/2019 17:53

If you're going to go down the token gift route, I'd avoid places like Card Factory, opt for something like a Lottery ticket, or something consumable like Hotel Chocolat Chocs.
I'm not sure I could turn up completely empty handed, but don't think you should spend ££ it you can't afford it. A thoughtful message in a card would have been much appreciated by us when we got married, over any photo frames etc.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 26/08/2019 20:19

But a new outfit is a present to yourself. I wouldn't feel right spending money on a new outfit and then having nothing for the gift (not saying that's your plan OP- I'm replying to PP(

timshelthechoice · 26/08/2019 20:24

Where did she say she was buying herself a new outfit? Not everyone does or can for each wedding. Never heard of this till MN.

daisypond · 26/08/2019 20:25

But a new outfit is a present to yourself. No, it’s not. I’d have no need or use for an outfit that I wouldn’t wear again. Definitely not a present to myself.

BarbaraofSeville · 26/08/2019 20:35

But a new outfit is a present to yourself

Not really. I suppose you think the act of going out to buy said outfit is a fun day out too.

The sooner we get past all this 'must have a new outfit for every occasion' crap the better. There was a thread on here where a woman was told she was BU because she dared to suggest she might wear the same outfit for both her DCs weddings, about 2 years apart. Of course their father was planning to wear the same suit and not an eyelid was batted.

ElleDubloo · 26/08/2019 20:58

If I buy myself a new outfit for a wedding, I’d consider it a gift for myself. I wouldn’t think it’s something the wedding obligated me to buy, and I certainly wouldn’t deduct the cost of the outfit from the cost of the gift I give the couple!