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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not buying a wedding gift

134 replies

RiskItBiscuit · 26/08/2019 14:05

This isn't about any particular situation but AIBU to only buy a couple getting married a card with something though out written inside and not buy a present as I can't afford it?

I'm going to a few weddings a year at the moment and I simply cannot afford to buy gifts.

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 26/08/2019 15:15

It’s not all about money but the couple will be paying a lot per head for guests to attend the wedding and showing up empty handed looks a little ungrateful.

So don't throw a party if you want gratitude from guests in the form of gifts. It's quite possible for truly skint people to have nowhere else to cut back so they can hand over gifts.

diddl · 26/08/2019 15:15

Are they likely to need anything?

I like the idea of something from a charity shop.

Violetparis · 26/08/2019 15:17

What about a cheap pretty plant ?

DameDoom · 26/08/2019 15:17

Could you chip in with other guests to get them something? We have done this for work colleagues so they ended up with something really nice.

YummyFoodie · 26/08/2019 15:21

Depends. If the couple pays for the party our of their own pocket, it's rude not to give them a present and it's better not to attend. If they shift the burden on the guests by forcing them to pay for the party, not bringing a gift makes perfect sense.

KUGA · 26/08/2019 15:21

UANBU at all.
Surely the couple who invited you know of your circumstances.
Go and enjoy

RosaWaiting · 26/08/2019 15:24

YANBU at all
They are not real friends if they are offended by not getting a gift.

kmammamalto · 26/08/2019 15:27

I agree don't take something crap. Some people didn't give us anything but it was the lack of a card that hurt most. Im finding it hard to understand why DH brothers and sisters or bridesmaid for example wouldn't write a nice card. The cards we got were wonderful and I will treasure the words in them forever. Take a nice card and write something lovely, pick up a bottle if you need something as booze is always welcome! But words and being there are the most important.

sulkingroompink · 26/08/2019 15:28

riskitbiskit I'm sure it'd be fine to go with a card containing a beautifully composed message. However, if you want to take something small, how about something vintage from eBay where the cost of it isn't obvious (as a pp said). You could get a beautiful pair of vintage champagne flutes on eBay for a few pounds (although the actual cost of them would never be known) and your message could be about how they're for toasting many wonderful things through their lives, or something like that.

HotChoc10 · 26/08/2019 15:29

I can't imagine being offended that someone hadn't bought a gift, I'd just be wanting to celebrate the day.

sulkingroompink · 26/08/2019 15:30
  • toasting many wonderful things throughout their future their lives together as a couple, or something like that.
JenniR29 · 26/08/2019 15:30

‘So don't throw a party if you want gratitude from guests in the form of gifts. It's quite possible for truly skint people to have nowhere else to cut back so they can hand over gifts.’

It’s not just a ‘party’ though. Weddings are very expensive and it’s not ideal for those who are on a budget but it is custom in our society to reciprocate an invitation (especially day guests) for a gift. I’m not saying it has to be expensive (a lot of people suggesting booze here, that would be a great gift) just that it’s a little rude to show up empty handed.

Each to their own I suppose but I wouldn’t turn up without a gift. You know about weddings far in advance so you can budget accordingly. If I couldn’t afford it I wouldn’t go.

sulkingroompink · 26/08/2019 15:30

Sorry keep making errors but you know what I mean!

DorisDances · 26/08/2019 15:34

Don't buy tat that will only end up in landfill. A well thought out message in the card is lovely. If you feel more comfortable taking something then get for a nice looking photo frame - M& S have a surprisingly good and budget friendly range as do places like Dunelm and wilko. If you have a photo of the couple or wedding location then you could pop that in or maybe just a written message - for your happy memories of (wedding date).

PrincessHoneysuckle · 26/08/2019 15:36

Evening do only you could possibly get away with it but not to an all day invite.What about a bottle of nice cava in a gift bag?

FlamedToACrisp · 26/08/2019 15:36

Gobsmacked at the suggestion of an £18 bottle of Tesco champagne 'instead' of buying a gift! You could get a nice bundle of white or cream towels with a satin ribbon on Ebay for less than that, looks like a decent-sized pressie and they're never unwelcome or unused.

timshelthechoice · 26/08/2019 15:40

On MN, Flamed, you are never supposed to give towels unless they are specifically asked for.

Original poster
RiskItBiscuit · 26/08/2019 15:43

Interesting reading all of these thoughts!

I feel I should say my comment about new outfits was referencing the article I read not that I'm splashing out on a new look very wedding!Grin

OP posts:
actuallyquitesmall · 26/08/2019 15:50

They are inviting you because they like you and they want you to be at their wedding, not because they want you go buy them an expensive present. At least I hope not - that would be rather crass and grabby of them.

firsttimekat · 26/08/2019 15:53

Another one saying I'd have been really upset if people had not come to our wedding because they couldn't afford a gift.

In fact one close friend gave us a card and no gift and at the time we didn't notice. Who sits and compares between invite list, gifts on the day and gifts from a gift list? We were too busy going on honeymoon or looking at photos!

On our 1yr anniversary that friend then sent us a personal present and explained (not that she needed too) that her financial situation was a bit brighter now and she wanted to do something for us. It was really lovely, unexpected and all the more special for it.

I'm not saying you need to do this but we honestly hadn't noticed no present, wanted her there and genuinely think things flux over time in friendships.

MouthyHarpy · 26/08/2019 15:55

you can get a photo album and Mr and mrs mugs for£5

Oh dear, no.

£20 in a supermarket will get you a decent bottle of French champagne. Or 2 bottles of Aldi champagne, which is a pretty decent drop.

RUOKHUN · 26/08/2019 15:59

God, Mumsnet is the weirdest thing. Don’t ask for gifts (as the engaged couple) but don’t turn up empty handed to a wedding?!

OP - speaking as someone who is getting married in the next few months we’ve invited people we want there to celebrate, not for the gifts. We would be delighted that you came and got us a card!

Hannahbanana25 · 26/08/2019 16:02

Plenty of our guests didn't give us a gift. We weren't bothered, we just wanted everyone to come along and have a good time. Personally I think that a card with a thoughtful message is more than enough as it can be a keepsake. Once a bottle of wine/fizz has been finished, that's it gone. But that's just my opinion 🙂

CaptainPovey · 26/08/2019 16:02

We didn't ask for presents as we had been together for years.

If they wanted to, friends could have got us a gift card

Loads of guests got us nothing - I didn't care at all

Redshoeblueshoe · 26/08/2019 16:03

I am disgusted that some people think you shouldn't go if you're skint.
Though I did like Stoics idea of housesitting