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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not buying a wedding gift

134 replies

RiskItBiscuit · 26/08/2019 14:05

This isn't about any particular situation but AIBU to only buy a couple getting married a card with something though out written inside and not buy a present as I can't afford it?

I'm going to a few weddings a year at the moment and I simply cannot afford to buy gifts.

OP posts:
elizzza · 26/08/2019 14:35

I would have been devastated to think anyone didn’t come to my wedding because they couldn’t afford a gift - a thoughtful card would be more than enough. Not sure I’d want to go to the wedding of the PPs who care more about “showing up empty handed” than being there to celebrate with the people you love. You know your friends and what’s important to them though.

HerkyBaby · 26/08/2019 14:35

The general rule of thumb with regard to how much to spend on a gift is try to work out how much the meal would cost and your gift should be in line with that. If in doubt ring the venue and just ask how much a Sunday lunch would cost

SallyLovesCheese · 26/08/2019 14:36

I'm surprised so many people say it's rude to turn up with no gift. Quite a few people came to my wedding but gave no gift and we couldn't have been less bothered. It was brilliant just to have a great day and see everyone.

But yes, it depends on the bride and groom. If you know they won't mind, don't take one. If you know they will, give a token gift like a photo frame or a bottle of wine.

CatteStreet · 26/08/2019 14:39

I didn't expect gifts at all at our wedding (or for any of the children's baptisms, etc.). I can't imagine being so graceless as to judge anyone who came without. (I wouldn't turn up empty-handed myself, so make of that what you will).

Abraid2 · 26/08/2019 14:39

The general rule of thumb with regard to how much to spend on a gift is try to work out how much the meal would cost and your gift should be in line with that. If in doubt ring the venue and just ask how much a Sunday lunch would cost

This may be the general rule on MN but I have never come across anything like this in real life, and I have been to weddings ranging from very smart, county affairs to some where the reception was in a village hall.

I'd give them a lovely card with something written on it like 'I'll cook you dinner when you're back from your honeymoon'. IT doesn't have to be a 'thing'.

AcrobaticCardigan · 26/08/2019 14:40

Could you afford £12ish for a box of Hotel Chocolat? Fancy enough to look acceptable but won’t break the bank!

ElleDubloo · 26/08/2019 14:40

If you really can’t afford it then just take a token gift and a card. Your presence is more important.

But this is assuming you’re not splashing out on new dress / new shoes / fancy hotel room. It’s better to buy a decent gift, and save money by wearing something you have already.

Abraid2 · 26/08/2019 14:41

Or offer to press some of their wedding flowers for them as a momento.

Pinkyyy · 26/08/2019 14:42

I just read today that the average cost of attending a wedding is now £395. I think that included clothes, travel, gifts and a hotel.

A bottle is perfectly sufficient, and I'm sure others will buy the same.

Pinkyyy · 26/08/2019 14:44

Also I agree with @Abraid2. I've never heard of anyone in real life ringing a venue to figure out how much their meal costs so that they can spend the same amount on a gift. That's just ridiculous.

Rarfy · 26/08/2019 14:45

I'm in this situation. Have two weddings this month and two kids birthdays. Rvspd to both weddings ages ago but now it's come round I'm brassic. Bit of travelling required for both and a new outfit for one as it is a family wedding and the only suitable outfit I have I've worn to other family dos.

Cant cancel as that would be worse. I'm going to have to just take a token gift I think which makes me feel shit but I was hoping people would understand as I'm on maternity leave.

ThirdAidKit · 26/08/2019 14:45

This is consumerism gone mad (in my opinion).

Someone upthread put it far more eloquently, but would I want you, someone I care enough about to invite to my WEDDING to feel that you couldn’t come because you’d not brought a gift??!

Would I fuck. I also wouldn’t want cheap throwaway card shop crap.

Bottle of Prosecco can be £7ish. Lovely (if you feel you need something).

Snowflake9 · 26/08/2019 14:46

You should not attend empty handed. They are paying for your food, drinks for the day.

How about :
*Bottle of Prosecco (£6 ish?)
*£5 scratch card (they could win something? Although prepare yourself if it's a larger sum. That would be annoying!)
*Don't buy tacky mugs or glasses. No one uses them. Trust me.
*M&S voucher for £10 and suggest it's for a dine in for 2. We had one of those and it was perfect for the week after our wedding when I had nothing in!

Don't go empty handed, but do think of useful less expensive alternatives.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 26/08/2019 14:46

I'd be horrified if a friend I'd invited to my wedding because I wanted them to be there didn't come because they couldn't afford a gift! That's not what friendship is about. It's not even what weddings are about - you're there to celebrate with them, not buy them stuff.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 26/08/2019 14:47

Several people who came to our wedding only gave us a card. We invited them because we wanted to celebrate with them not because we wanted them to spend money.

Choice4567 · 26/08/2019 14:47

I agree a bottle of wine is plenty if you want. I’d also be fine if guests didn’t bring something. If it’s a fairly large wedding (as in not just 20 people for a meal) how would anyone know if you turned up empty handed?

Alicealicewhothe · 26/08/2019 14:49

I had a few friends who didnt give gifts at my wedding and that was fine. I just wanted them there. Real friends wont care. One friend brought a cheap bottle of bubbly and said he was sorry he couldn't afford more. I responded you being here was more important to me. That's how it should be.

PonteLaCorona · 26/08/2019 14:49

I'm married next month.
Honestly, I wouldn't care.
We've invited our guests because we love them and we want them there. Not their money which we'll probably spend on boring shit, not random token gifts which will probably gather dust, not a bottle of random wine which we won't drink.
I don't give a shit. We invited them because we want them and would totally understand if they couldn't afford a gift.
Personally I would treasure a 49p card with a heartfelt handwritten message inside.

greenlavender · 26/08/2019 14:50

I can't believe how judgemental some people are being on this thread. I would definitely mention it to the Bride &/or Groom & don't buy tat for the sake of it or overstretch yourself.

BeanBag7 · 26/08/2019 14:50

If the invite says something like "your presence on our special day is all the gift we need, however here's an expensive gift registry" I wouldn't feel the need to bring a gift - they have told you it's not necessary!

Also you said "counting the cost of clothes and travel and gifts and whatever else, it is so much money to be spending each time!"
I would suggest wearing the same outfit more than once. Or at least the same dress with different shoes/jewellery. Men wear the same suit to every wedding year in, year ou.

misspiggy19 · 26/08/2019 14:51

if you look in the sales section you can get a photo album and Mr and mrs mugs for £5

^No, no, no. I would rather a guest turned up than receive cheap tat.

Also OP maybe let your friend know that you can’t afford a gift. I am sure she will be very understanding and then at least she knows.

lau888 · 26/08/2019 14:51

I think real friends would rather you attend without a gift than not attend at all. Personally, I'd suggest you make any token gift something "disposable" eg chocolates. It's thoughtful without clutter. x

thecatsthecats · 26/08/2019 14:52

Ugh, the crass and tasteless "cover your plate" cost advice rears it's head again.

It's no business of yours what your friends choose to spend hosting you. Give a gift that is equal to your friendship, not their catering budget!

If I'd have adhered to that stupid, classless, transactional rule, I'd have spent the most on a old distant friend and the least on my friend since primary.

And agree with PP about Card Factory tat. At least if prosecco isn't to their taste they can regift it easily.

MaggieFS · 26/08/2019 14:53

They've invited you because they want your company and not a gift! If you can't afford anything, don't waste money on tat. If they have a gift list with some less expensive items that you can afford do that. Don't not go because you can't afford a gift.

slashlover · 26/08/2019 14:55

Have you had a look around some charity shops? I've bought lovely photo frames/champagne glasses/ornaments (if you know their taste)

My friend likes the Willow Tree figurines and I got a one for her birthday, someone else is a massive cheese fan and I got a fancy cheeseboard/cutter set which had never been opened.