Comments that friends with no kids make about parenting

[Alicia870]

Is it just me or is it really frustrating when friends who don't have kids make comments about what they would do with a child, what they wouldn't do, and how other mums are doing things wrong!
Went out to lunch the other day with 2 friends who don't have kids. I have an almost one year old and asked did they mind if I brought her along otherwise I wouldn't be able to make it as I had no childcare. They were absolutely fine about it but it was quite a stressful hour and I ended up leaving early.

My baby has mostly been baby led weaned and I asked for some cheese sandwiches for her. My friends started to ask about why can't she just eat mashed potato and soup and I felt like I had to defend myself somehow? I have no problem with her eating those things but she just refuses to take from a spoon! She was quite impatient and ratty after about half an hour- not wanting to settle in high chair, not wanting to be held etc. We'd just ordered a coffee so I said just til I finish that I'll put in some YouTube and then head on.

Well then they preceded to talk about their nieces and nephews who just watch tv and iPads all the time and how they're going to try not to let their kids do that. I agree of course with the limiting of screen time but it just made me feel bad in that moment when I was just doing what I could to drink my coffee in peace for 2 minutes they also just talk a lot about other mums and how they parent, as If it's just black and white. You're either a clingy mum or a relaxed mum. You either really want to work or you don't. You either revolve your whole life around baby or baby fits into yours. I know friendships change after kids but it was quite exhausting as I just wanted to stand up for mums and say it's a tough job and most people are just trying their best! I had quite a difficult birth and recovery with my daughter and they were also almost joking about how am I gonna cope next time round with another one. Thought it was just really insensitive.
I just find it frustrating!

I just laugh particularly merrily and say “the only perfect parent is one without kids!”
And change subject. I also have never lost my primary school teacher you-are-on-thin-ice stare

I’d also laugh and tell the story about some of the dickish things I said to my sister before I had kids and how I’m astounded that she didn’t punch me there and then. Hopefully they’d get the message.

My work colleague who is early sixties thinks kids should be seen and not heard. My son who is also asd visited work on our day off and she was shocked because she didnt understand his hand flapping and told me he was the naughtiest kid ever and in her day would have got a slap. She never misbehave as a child because her dad would hit her with a belt really?

I'd have just told them straight that it isn't black or white. Until you have a, newborn, you don't understand the emotions tied up in being a Parent.

My DD was a Nursery Nurse and thought that would be helpful when it came to her own, but it wasn't because you aren't emotionally, as well as hormonally, detached.

I've babysat a little girl from birth, as well as her Sibling. It isn't the same as babysitting my Grandchildren. I'm much more logical with them and not as nervy as when i was with my GC.

I have a friend like this. My DD was an incedibly bad sleeper and i tried all sorts, controlled crying (at appropriate age) and it took 6 weeks instead of a week as the guide tells you it was hell. It worked for a month or 2 and then we went on holiday and we were back to square one. There was absolutely no way i was willing to put either of us through it again. Then when she was about 3 we tried sticker charts , rewards etc.in the end i just accepted she would be coming into our bed every night because after about 4 years of trying that was best for my sanity! Friend without children was very clear what the answer was because she watched supernanny! 🙄 another friend who had kids that went to bed easily told me they wouldnt stand for it and i was making a rod for my own bed. Fast forward several years both friends got puppies and were absolutely soppy with them and "couldn't leave them to cry" so took them into their bedrooms and i have a teenager who has to be prised from her bed!!😂😂

Totally it's never just black and white. I hate that they are probably mentally classing me in one group or the other.
I know they don't mean to, and I'm sure I was judgy without meaning to be before becoming a mum. But I don't think I would say some of the stuff they say!
It's like I feel pressure to still be the same A's I was before having her, but it's just not possible. Maybe a bit of me is also annoyed at their chats about being so tired and not getting a lie in in aaages - maybe since last weekend.
I know you don't have to have kids to be tired, but it just grinds my gears when they dare to judge me but have no idea how relentless and non stop it is day in and day out being a parent. Agh

Sometimes it’s common sense, feeding children poor diet, children with no manners etc. you don’t need to have taken a load to form a valid opinion

And parents don’t have the monopoly on being tired. People suffer from chronic illness and hold down full time jobs. Drives me soft when parents seem to think nobody knows tiredness like them.

Anyway who knows how much e.g. salt would be in mashed potato and soup designed for adults. Restaurant food is likely to contain a fair bit unless specially designated for kids. I’m the only one in my oldest friendship group with kids and I get this kind of thing too sometimes.

I remember thinking all kinds of stuff about “when I have kids...” (which has mainly been bollocks given that no one ever factors in a kid who might have other ideas, it’s just about your perfect behaviour around a kid) but I would never have waded in to critique an actual parent parenting.

I had quite a difficult birth and recovery with my daughter and they were also almost joking about how am I gonna cope next time round with another one. Thought it was just really insensitive.

I think you have insensitive friends! I can't imagine saying stuff like that to somebody I disliked let alone someone I cared about.

There are plenty of women who have given birth and had the dumb luck to have a very easy experience, who think it's ok to make shitty comments like that to people - because it makes them feel safe and secure to pretend it wasn't luck that meant they had a good experience but something they did within their control to make it happen, and that therefore they won't have a bad experience, don't need to worry about that, and anybody who did have a bad experience is at fault.

There is also bucket loads of black and white thinking by people on MN. That's not limited to people without kids.

I’m not a pilot, but if I see a helicopter in a tree I know someone fucked up!

Eugh... I can relate.
I had one close friend get funny with me and I asked why she said ... "You just always want to spend time with your new baby" instead of going out and getting pissed basically!!!! Like how I could do this when ever I pleased before having a baby.
She couldn't understand why now I would choose to stay in with my baby than get child care and go out!? 🙄

Also I understand about the spoon thing. My daughter never would let me feed her with a spoon!!! She had to feed herself.

I had my son calling to me once to watch Mario brothers (some old t.v. series) just before bed and over heard my MIL tell my OH "make sure he doesn't play that game all day they're kids in my school that are addicted!!" Which I shouted back he wanted a series on not the bloody wii or Xbox 🙄

FIL stated once that all my kids live off is chicken nuggets which was the most confusing considering they're fav meal is chicken thighs rice and veg!? Or a cottage pie.

Sorry I'm venting now 😂😂 but YES it is very bloody annoying when someone comments about your parenting when they don't have kids (or in my case even when they've had them themselves!)
Xx

Hahahahahaha yes yes yes! I used to get this all the time, as I was the first to have a child, I was very young at 19. I used to reply ‘wait until you have your own, and I will remind you of this’. I was still using the phrase when ds2 came along 5 years later.
As predicted when they had their own children I had many comments of ‘omg I understand why you used to do xyz now’. So don’t worry OP many of us, have had similar conversations with their perfect friends, who turn out to be not quite so perfect after all!

It's easy to be an armchair expert! Real friends support and help you. These people are not worth the effort currently. Also, I would bet their siblings don't like them very much currently either!

My lovely neighbour has a real live wire of a nearly 2yo - way more trouble than mine was. Do I judge her? No, I put the kettle on and edge him away from the knife drawer.

@Elemental - Once you're down the route of a cheese sandwich I think the salt content worry is a minor point.

But it's not about the salt. It's about the OP knowing what they want for their child and other people suggesting something which doesn't work for them.

Like when people think it's helpful to put your baby down for a nap two hours before bed so the usual routine becomes watching you baby bounce up and down like a tweaker on a three day meth binge.

Am I getting judged for ordering a cheese sandwich in a restaurant? !

I don’t understand what this means you don’t need to have taken a load to form a valid opinion but if it means that you don’t have to have kids to form a valid opinion, I would say that you can’t have an informed opinion unless you’ve been there.
There are so many variables that none of us will be able to understand through a snapshot of someone else’s life, passing judgement as an valid opinion is just not on and is actually pretty funny

@WalkofShame
I agree!! Totally.

I actually think a lot of stuff is down to luck - sleeping, eating, being dry at night. You only have to look at the variance between siblings with the same parents to realise there is an element of luck/child personality that can't be trained or controlled but lots of parents like to congratulate themselves on their superior parenting if baby slept all night from day 5 or was dry at night the day they finished potty training. I had 2 easy labours/ births compared to a lot of other people but i feel incredibly lucky as it wasnt really down to me how quickly my DC came!

It happens in all walks of life though! Everyone knows better than the doctors, the teachers, the politicians....

Sure. That's human nature. People love judging and expressing their opinions. Why do you think mums net is so popular? No need to dwell on it too much. Everyone judges everyone when friends with kids ask me when I'm going to have my own children, I reply "hopefully never, fingers crossed!" I used to get all flustered, but I don't owe anyone an explanation on my life choices. Being a bit blunt cuts awkward verbal exchanges short.

They only see a tiny fraction and think having their niece/nephew for one night every 3 months validates them to judge what parenting is like so you're definitely not being unreasonable to be annoyed, it annoys me too. What angers me most about what you've written is your friends are judging their own family by saying all their nieces and nephews do is watch tv and spend all the time on their iPad... they only see the tip of the iceberg

There is a type of person who does this and they are invariably pratish.

Like women who talk about how other people parent.
I have always responded to them with "I've always been too focused on trying to do a good job with mine to be concerned with how other people do it" falsely sweet smile on face.

Then you have the people with children making wild judgements about those parenting teens. Hilarious.

I know a couple that have full on 10 years olds and they think they know it all for the teen years. Ha! Hilarious. Good luck to them. I just find it funny.

OP, I wouldn't justify yourself at all.
Smile and say "it's great that you know it all".

I think you'll find you'll drift away from these tedious friends. Probably be for the best.

I used to make comments about kids standing in shopping trolleys before I had children - then I realised sometimes that is the only way you can keep toddlers under control while trying to do your shopping.

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Ahh I remember this well. I was first of all my friends to have a baby... many stressed lunches, leaving early and crying because I felt so lonely. Unfortunately I think some people just have to actually go through it before they get it. It's three years later and I'm on my second while a few friends are starting their firsts and it's.intersting to see and to listen to how things might change!
Also, some friendships survive things like this, some don't. My gold friends love my child and so I keep quiet when they make some comments like this, others couldn't understand why I sometimes wasn't available to do things like liquid lunches any.more and don't even get my child's name right, those friendships have died off and I'm actually really glad now!