Comments that friends with no kids make about parenting

[Alicia870]

Is it just me or is it really frustrating when friends who don't have kids make comments about what they would do with a child, what they wouldn't do, and how other mums are doing things wrong!
Went out to lunch the other day with 2 friends who don't have kids. I have an almost one year old and asked did they mind if I brought her along otherwise I wouldn't be able to make it as I had no childcare. They were absolutely fine about it but it was quite a stressful hour and I ended up leaving early.

My baby has mostly been baby led weaned and I asked for some cheese sandwiches for her. My friends started to ask about why can't she just eat mashed potato and soup and I felt like I had to defend myself somehow? I have no problem with her eating those things but she just refuses to take from a spoon! She was quite impatient and ratty after about half an hour- not wanting to settle in high chair, not wanting to be held etc. We'd just ordered a coffee so I said just til I finish that I'll put in some YouTube and then head on.

Well then they preceded to talk about their nieces and nephews who just watch tv and iPads all the time and how they're going to try not to let their kids do that. I agree of course with the limiting of screen time but it just made me feel bad in that moment when I was just doing what I could to drink my coffee in peace for 2 minutes they also just talk a lot about other mums and how they parent, as If it's just black and white. You're either a clingy mum or a relaxed mum. You either really want to work or you don't. You either revolve your whole life around baby or baby fits into yours. I know friendships change after kids but it was quite exhausting as I just wanted to stand up for mums and say it's a tough job and most people are just trying their best! I had quite a difficult birth and recovery with my daughter and they were also almost joking about how am I gonna cope next time round with another one. Thought it was just really insensitive.
I just find it frustrating!

You're either a clingy mum or a relaxed mum. You either really want to work or you don't. You either revolve your whole life around baby or baby fits into yours

Oh my god this is it in a nutshell. As if every decision was taken freely with no compromise necessary, as if everyone's circumstances were the same, as if every baby is the same... I hate this attitude so much.

It's not just woman without children, but also mums of kids with different needs/personalities. I hate "mine wouldnt dare do that, I wouldnt stand for it". Go on then Sharon, show me how you'd get my kid to behave by not standing for it...

I have 4, very differing in personalities wee, boys. 2 are very "intense, challenging and spirited" 2 you hardly notice and are compliant, and relaxed. All are kind and have great values and empathy. Judgement in any form is not welcomed here.

I usually just smile and hope that they have a really feral one if they have dc.

I work evenings till late after being with a 2 year old and 1 year old since the wonderful 5am wake after the standard several wakings at night and I'm absolutely fucked when at work in the evenings. A client asked me how many hours I did and was shocked I did "so little". "What so you're at home all day and just work evenings. How did you get away with that? Isn't your husband annoyed with you?" Took all of my strength to not lob a stapler at his face.

Everyone is the best parent until they have children.

Posts like this really irritate me. I don't have kids but I wouldn't dream of telling my friends with kids how to parent and how I would do things better. We're not all selfish inconsiderate idiots you know

So the thread isn’t about you then!

I think when you don't have kids and are trying show an interest in your friend's child and new role as a parent, it can be easy to unintentionally slip into pontificating about parenting.

It's human nature to express opinions but our parenting choices are such a loaded subject that often offence can be taken where none was intended.

I think it is the slagging people off type comments that are the issue but that also happens with people who have children but a different type of child from the parent that they are criticising.

I don't think I've ever come across someone without children who judges my parenting. I've come across loads of people who've had DC telling me what to do with mine, though, because everyone knows that having one child (who you had a bloody full time nanny for) 47 years ago makes you fully entitled to judge every other parent on earth.

My children are the only ones I'm an expert on. Everyone else just does what they can with what they've got.

Like parents of NT 2 year olds criticising parents of 12 year olds with SN.

Like parents of NT 2 year olds criticising parents of 12 year olds with SN.

Absolutely this! DS1 is 13 and has ASD. Everyone who's ever watched Rain Man is a fucking expert on him and his needs.

I was once told I should ‘just outsource’ the parenting of my one year old to a nursery.

People make judgements all the time. Sometimes they don’t mean to and other times they do. Sometimes well meaning suggestions can be seen as being judgmental but it wasn’t intended that way. It all depends on intention and perception.

No, I disagree there. Nobody needs to offer "well meaning suggestions" to other parents unless they've asked for advice. That's not dependent on perception, it's just rude.

Why not see these friends without your child, this might work better.

It's difficult to get quality time and conversation with a parent when they are minding their young children and this can be frustrating all round.

I laugh at these people. They are the ones who take to parenting the hardest, they don’t have the basic skills to adapt and change per child per situation.

walkofshame I'm just making the point that not all people without children are inconsiderate idiots that threads like these make out. Oh let's laugh at these stupid childless people.

I am slightly judging you for giving a younger than 1 year old a phone to watch but beyond that, I agree with you. Everyone has opinions, it is polite manners to keep them to yourself though. We all think there are certain things we could do better, but no one else needs to hear it.

Parenting is so hard and you never know what is going on in individuals lives. So much better to judge in private at home if you feel the need!

I think it’s more that judgy people will always be judgy, and willing to offer their advice on subjects they have no, or little experience on. Compounded by the fact that a none parent can sometimes be more knowledgeable and less judgemental than other parents.

Possibly the easiest and most supportive/ least judgmental person when it came to child raising for the first few years of dd’s life was an elderly retired dog breeder I was friends with, with no kids of his own and rarely had much to do with them. Precisely because he did compare her to a young animal. He constantly reminded me that puppies don’t all develop at the same rate, and didn’t always behave, and to feel proud when your hard work training them pays off.

The worst were older mums that had read all the books, naturally assuming that as a young mum I couldn’t be as capable as them, and if I did things differently it was down to my youth and immaturity, rather than a perfectly reasonable choice.

I’d also add that sometimes people can be more forgiving when they feel they don’t have the experience to comment. Eg if someone’s feral children are running riot somewhere entirely unsuitable, with the parent making no attempt to control them, or worse trying to excuse it as only children, I’m far less likely to be forgiving because I know full well that letting your dc ram the trolley into people down the far end of the aisle is not the only way you can get the shopping done. Someone that hasn’t had that experience may be willing to cut them some slack.

In addition, having been a young mum, I now find my peers are just starting out on the parenting road when I have a teen, so in the absence of any plans for babies or life based around childcare people tend to assume I don’t have them. And I hear far more entitled behaviour and judgement from the parents on the whole than I do from those without.

Posts like this really irritate me. I don't have kids but I wouldn't dream of telling my friends with kids how to parent and how I would do things better. We're not all selfish inconsiderate idiots you know

There’s another thread running along side this that you might prefer!

Skinnychip you are so right, I have decided a lot is luck. My pfb was an easy going child with lovely manners, no temper and slept brilliantly from 3 months old. I admit to a few years of smugness.... then my twins came along. One's a fab sleeper and eater but throws the most horrific tantrums and regularly humiliates me in public whilst the other is chilled and sunny but her sleeping ( or lack of) and faddy eating drives me spare. If anyone wants to explain how 2 twins are so different I'm listening!

I generally haven’t come across many comments from childfree or childless friends, but I admit it does annoy me when it happens, especially when being a parent is compared to their experience as a nursery nurse or having a pet or some other comparison which really doesn’t work. When I had my eldest (I was anxious and exhausted) I had one friend who got annoyed with me for not being as sociable with her, almost like she was jealous. It’s an unpopular opinion on MN but I believe if you’ve not experienced life as a parent I think it’s pretty impossible to understand what it’s like. I normally just smile politely but inwardly roll my eyes.

trying the easiest period of my life was maternity leave. Not because I’m Wonder Woman or had some textbook baby that was born in a routine. But in comparison to what my life was like before it was a breeze. I can also think of many childless people, or those with independent adult dcs that have far more demanding and exhausting lives than lots of parents. Blanket statements are pretty pointless.

I remember being at the wedding of one of DH’s relatives, and they wanted his DNephew in a photo. The kid was 14 months and was having his nap ... ‘just wake him up for the photos, and then put him down again later’ said my DH (before we had DC). I remember at the time thinking, oh dear, you’re in for a shock!

I have read a poster once... It says 'Lord, make my words sweet as honey because tomorrow I may have to eat them'. Oh boy, was that true in my case!!
I fostered before I had DS 9 years later. In my opinion I now knew it all.
My own child was
*never going to have a dummy
*never going to sleep in my bed
*never talk back to me
*always get a smack when disrespectful
*never throw a tantrum, especially not in public!
*be potty trained at age 3
*sleep through the night from 2 weeks old
*not going to stop me look good ie. make up, clean clothes, colour coordinated
*never going to get sweets or junk food
*drink only water and breast milk till 6 months old
*never going to eat mud, bugs, the cat's food, the neighbours dirty wellies at their door...

Man, did I get a wake up call when I held that beautiful little bundle in my arms for the 1st time. For one, the never sleep in my bed disappeared immediately if not sooner, and so did all the other stupid plans in rapid succession.
I agree w a PP, there's no better parent than a person without kids!! 🤣 🤣 🤣
My humble apologies to all the parents whom I've upset with my 'superior (😂 😂 😂 😂)' knowledge of parenting!!

I used to think I wouldn't do certain things before I had kids. Some I've stuck to so far and some I haven't, it really is survival sometimes! I didn't like seeing my niece depend on YouTube to behave through dinner pre kids but now although I haven't resorted to it yet (baby still under 1) I would if I thought it was the only way to get through it drama free! I think it's hard to really understand until you have a baby