Comments that friends with no kids make about parenting

[Alicia870]

Is it just me or is it really frustrating when friends who don't have kids make comments about what they would do with a child, what they wouldn't do, and how other mums are doing things wrong!
Went out to lunch the other day with 2 friends who don't have kids. I have an almost one year old and asked did they mind if I brought her along otherwise I wouldn't be able to make it as I had no childcare. They were absolutely fine about it but it was quite a stressful hour and I ended up leaving early.

My baby has mostly been baby led weaned and I asked for some cheese sandwiches for her. My friends started to ask about why can't she just eat mashed potato and soup and I felt like I had to defend myself somehow? I have no problem with her eating those things but she just refuses to take from a spoon! She was quite impatient and ratty after about half an hour- not wanting to settle in high chair, not wanting to be held etc. We'd just ordered a coffee so I said just til I finish that I'll put in some YouTube and then head on.

Well then they preceded to talk about their nieces and nephews who just watch tv and iPads all the time and how they're going to try not to let their kids do that. I agree of course with the limiting of screen time but it just made me feel bad in that moment when I was just doing what I could to drink my coffee in peace for 2 minutes they also just talk a lot about other mums and how they parent, as If it's just black and white. You're either a clingy mum or a relaxed mum. You either really want to work or you don't. You either revolve your whole life around baby or baby fits into yours. I know friendships change after kids but it was quite exhausting as I just wanted to stand up for mums and say it's a tough job and most people are just trying their best! I had quite a difficult birth and recovery with my daughter and they were also almost joking about how am I gonna cope next time round with another one. Thought it was just really insensitive.
I just find it frustrating!

Ahh, love people that comment on parenting with either no or younger children. 😂. Friend and I were out this morning with our selection of kids ranging from stroppy 2 and a bit to almost 6.

Smug families at table next to us with small immobile babies commented a lot.

Friend finally cracked it and handed over her phone number written on a napkin, suggesting they catch up for coffee in a couple of years to review parenting decisions/tactics.

Friend is a legend 😁

Hahaha. I haven't read the whole thing OP but I feel your pain. I have a friend who keeps comparing the 2 children I have to looking after her puppy and how tired she is. Part of me just can't wait til she has kids so I can just laugh in her face!

Someone on the other thread said they get annoyed when people say that having kids is tiring. They work 60hrs/wk so they get just as tired(!) Try working 60+hrs with less than 4 hrs sleep EVERY NIGHT for 3 YEARS! they still don't get it.

Armadillo
That’s not the vibe I am getting at all. Op is letting off steam. Nothing more.

The shit also comes from parents, people with older children and younger children. Eg The parent of the quiet, compliant just turned 4 yo vs the child with boundless energy, who is 7... or 13. The parent of an older teen vs the one, whose child is a toddler. Etc.

Of course childfree people can have insight into looking after kids - there are a lot more ways to learn about children than having them.

But I think if you offer advice and the person immediately comes back with "do you have kids?" you should at least consider the idea that, rather than seeking to dismiss your advice just because you're childfree, they might just be trying to understand why you offered advice like that i.e. it's batshit mental advice that betrays the fact that you've not spent very much time around children. Like, I once had someone tell me that I should be able to stay on the bus with my double pram if someone in a wheelchair came on because I could fold the pram and carry the children. My children were 8 weeks old. I did ask if he had kids of his own. Turns out no.

I also hate it when people judge kids' behaviour, especially comparing them, with absolutely no thoughts as to whether it's a fair comparison. I remember hearing John Bell on Radio 4's Thought for the Day contrasting the delighted chatter of a baby with his two gay dads on the train with the frustrated wails of a toddler trying to get attention from "his single mum" on the same train. Even supposing the lassie was single and not just solo parenting like most mothers of small children do 5 days a week (and hats off to her if she was single and doing it 24/7, I wonder what happened to his judgement of the dad), the lack of understanding about the fact that you're comparing a baby and a toddler, or that if there's two of you you can tag team each other and take toilet breaks and stuff... that that all affects the behaviour of the kid, and it's just a snapshot anyway, and worst of all, that as a woman with small kids you're subjected to these people the whole time, who think they are entitled to judge you and your kids and then share that judgement with you in comments or tuts and scowls, and that at the end of the day they don't even really care if your kid is normally well behaved or it's very hot or you've just had bad news or you're trying to phone the council before the office shuts or whatever - they just move straight from slight irritation to your kid's noise to feeling like they are entitled to be unpleasant to you in public, because what? Because women's work is devalued in our society, because people have forgotten how to be polite, because as we're women with small children we're a soft target for their pent up frustration? (When we lived in London, a couple of people made comments around me that were not quite as sotto voce as they intended and discovered to their dismay that while most mothers are nice to their kids, it doesn't mean we're all nice generally, and some of us are quite loud, and quite threateningly Glaswegian into the bargain )

Haha I’ve been the twat that did this (quietly to myself) before I had my twins. “I’ll not let my child watch telly too much/no IPAD/wouldn’t dream of leaving them to cry even for a second/of course I know how tiring it will be but I’ve suffered from insomnia most of my adult life anyway” etc. Then I fell pregnant and was fully intending to stick to the above... then I found out I was having twins and STILL thought I’d manage it... then they came and I very quickly realised that I was hyper unrealistic in my expectations of myself - TV is on for a bit most days because when I have to see to one the other inevitably kicks off (they’re toddlers now 😂) one will have to cry for a bit if the other needs something pressing such as a poosplosion nappy change and yeah, I don’t judge too much anymore.

Obviously there are things I didn’t like that I saw from SOME parents before I had my DC that I still do not like. Namely the zombie parents on public transport letting a newborn cry it’s little heart out whilst glued to their mobile phone, even though it could be their baby is a fussy one and no amount of cuddling, engaging will settle said baby and the parent may just clock out to get through the stress of the journey, I still don’t like seeing it.. but walk a mile in their shoes and all that keeps my comments to myself.

It's not just woman without children, but also mums of kids with different needs/personalities. I hate "mine wouldnt dare do that, I wouldnt stand for it". Go on then Sharon, show me how you'd get my kid to behave by not standing for it...

That's my pet peeve.

I have two friends I no longer see as they have been constantly putting out the 'I wouldn't stand for that' line toward my youngest. One has one grown up DC and a DGC and the other has no children, but a niece.

My youngest is non-verbal and has a myriad of health problems. She's often in pain, tired and unable to communicate. So yes, she is tantrumming on the hospital waiting room floor, yes it's embarassing, yes it's heartbreaking because I don't have anything that can help her (she probably just wants to be asleep at home, but her appointments are necessary), but of course Sharon and Mary 'wouldn't stand for it'.

They don't talk to me anymore because I was "sharp" when I turned to them one day in the park when I was trying to work out what had set off DD and asked them if they really thought that I'd just decided with child number 6 to just "allow" tantrums for shits and giggles or perhaps, maybe it wasn't quite as simple as that?

My DP used to massively judge parents whose children were playing up in shops, restaurants, etc. I never have as I have 3 younger siblings, one of which is autistic, ADHD, Aspergers and another ASD (so very much used to the tantrums).

We have our own children now and let's just say he respects the parents of those kicking off.

My brother once said he knew better than I did about how to “fix” my child. Thought I’d heard him incorrectly so I asked if he had meant he - a childless, single man - knew better than the child’s actual mother how best to look after him. He stammered that he had “looked after” his other nephew “plenty of times”, so yes. By “looked after” he meant watched TV for a couple of hours while nephew slept so mum and dad could go out for dinner.

I had a lot of ideas and judgement before I had kids, though I was never stupid enough to think I knew better and definitely never said it out loud. Boy, was I in for a shock. I suspect my brother will be in for a bigger shock...

It's not just woman without children, but also mums of kids with different needs/personalities. I hate "mine wouldn't dare do that, I wouldn't stand for it".

Yup. Along with the "I don't know how you cope with her - I don't think I would be able to." Because there's a choice? What, you'd just drop her in a bin somewhere?

Goodlookingcreature

The OP isn't posting about being tired

There's a current thread on AIBU slating parents if you want to take a look?

Although i do hate seeing babies with phones

@Areyoufree I know, right. I honestly think other parents are the worst. My kid has always been a terrible sleeper. One (ex) friend either complained about how tired and angry she was because her ordinarily perfect daughter woke once during the night one time (and went straight back to sleep until her usual wake time of 9am). OR she would brag about how good a sleeper her daughter was (as if she had a magical touch and could solve my kid’s sleep issues despite a truckload of actual sleep experts not being able to). OR she would say “Oh doskant. I wouldn’t stand for that one bit. I need my 10 hours sleep a night or I’m a wreck in the morning.” Tinkle tinkle. I would be getting four hours of broken sleep a night maximum. I was doing all I could do not to dissolve into a puddle on the floor.

She’s had another kid since. Wonder if her magic touch works with that one too.

She’s had another kid since. Wonder if her magic touch works with that one too

Can there be a single person on this earth that would hope for that for her though

@toomuchtooold Despite my complete frustration with this woman I actually don’t wish a poor-sleeping child on anyone. I’m little more than a greasy smear on the floor now. That’s all that’s left.

In my head I chuckle at how all these people with no kids fancy themselves to be the next Dr. Spock

@doskant maybe just a couple of weeks at the 4 month stage though. Just to loosen her certainties somewhat...

OP, I don't think you should take your friends comments so personally. I doubt they were trying to offend or criticise you.

If anything, they probably felt a little awkward too - both you and they will be feeling like they don't 'get it' when you're sat there with a young baby. Let's face it, a lunch with a restless baby present is a little different than 3 girlfriends chewing the fat!

Maybe their comments were misjudged, but I'd guess that they might have spoken about those things thinking that it might be more interesting to you and something you could all talk about together, rather than work, nights out, dates etc - potentially things you might not have been up to recently now that you have a small baby.

They probably feel just as conscious as you do that your lives are quite far apart at the moment - I wouldn't write them off as buddies just yet .

YANBU!!! And even friends with younger children than your own can annoy me to be honest. One friend (who has an easy, good sleeping 6 month old) was commenting on her nieces and how they apparently are bullies as they push kids in nursery. They are 2. Yes no one wants to be the parent of a pusher but sadly it happens! My DS never pushed a living soul until he was over 3, sadly it happens sometimes!

I've got a friend who is currently in early pregnancy with her first child who has given me a LOT of parenting opinions since my son was born. All of which are wildly off the mark. I'm sure she is also secretly judging me for getting irritated by DS on occasion.

Looking forward to seeing how her viewpoint changes once her baby arrives!

They work 60hrs/wk so they get just as tired(!) Try working 60+hrs with less than 4 hrs sleep EVERY NIGHT for 3 YEARS! they still don't get it

I don't even know where to begin with trying to pick apart just how downright nasty this sentence is.

I used to work with someone who tried to tell me what to do with my DC (I had 2, he had 0 - but apparently babysitting his niece on the regular was the same yep, totally the same mental and physical load) and now he has his own DC. I've been a bit naughty at times, and said the same things back to him, he said to me, but for the most part he's taken it in good fun (as it's intended) and admitted to being a sanctimonious prick!
I just smile and nod now if someone says anything - bottom line is, no one knows your child like you do, and most parents are doing their utmost to care for them the best they can. It's impossible for people without children to understand fully, and that's ok. It's impossible for me to know how it is parenting a child with SEN, or a child with a physical disability, and that's ok too. Yes, I can look after a child with SEN etc, but unless I'm responsible for them 24/7, how could I understand?
I'll offer advice to other parents, if something has worked for me, or if they ask, but generally speaking, unless there's a risk of danger, I don't insert myself into other people's parenting. I don't know what they're dealing with, and it's not my place.

Jeremybearimybaby

I completely agree. I've only ever given advice when asked, and only in the form of a suggestion anyway ie things that worked for me/my DC. I'll give superficial advice like oh I found x bottles really good but nothing about managing behaviour; as you say, I'm sure the parent knows what works best!

They are 2. Yes no one wants to be the parent of a pusher but sadly it happens! My DS never pushed a living soul until he was over 3, sadly it happens sometimes!

Nothing more mortifying than the realisation that your DD hasn’t just bitten a child, but actually she is ‘the biter’