Comments that friends with no kids make about parenting

[Alicia870]

Is it just me or is it really frustrating when friends who don't have kids make comments about what they would do with a child, what they wouldn't do, and how other mums are doing things wrong!
Went out to lunch the other day with 2 friends who don't have kids. I have an almost one year old and asked did they mind if I brought her along otherwise I wouldn't be able to make it as I had no childcare. They were absolutely fine about it but it was quite a stressful hour and I ended up leaving early.

My baby has mostly been baby led weaned and I asked for some cheese sandwiches for her. My friends started to ask about why can't she just eat mashed potato and soup and I felt like I had to defend myself somehow? I have no problem with her eating those things but she just refuses to take from a spoon! She was quite impatient and ratty after about half an hour- not wanting to settle in high chair, not wanting to be held etc. We'd just ordered a coffee so I said just til I finish that I'll put in some YouTube and then head on.

Well then they preceded to talk about their nieces and nephews who just watch tv and iPads all the time and how they're going to try not to let their kids do that. I agree of course with the limiting of screen time but it just made me feel bad in that moment when I was just doing what I could to drink my coffee in peace for 2 minutes they also just talk a lot about other mums and how they parent, as If it's just black and white. You're either a clingy mum or a relaxed mum. You either really want to work or you don't. You either revolve your whole life around baby or baby fits into yours. I know friendships change after kids but it was quite exhausting as I just wanted to stand up for mums and say it's a tough job and most people are just trying their best! I had quite a difficult birth and recovery with my daughter and they were also almost joking about how am I gonna cope next time round with another one. Thought it was just really insensitive.
I just find it frustrating!

Yes yes yes. My dear brother and sister-in-law who clearly think we’re just the shittest parents in the world!

They’ve had a dog you see, so know all about behaviour training. (They don’t, they can’t control their dog). DS1, who was 4, once coughed in front of DB without putting his hand in front of his mouth. My brother gave me the filthiest look and told DS1 to make sure he coughed properly in future because, clearly, I had never told him.

And the comments from my SIL! She has her judgy pants wedged so high up her backside it’s a wonder she can walk. Her sister has had kids you see, and mine aren’t the same as hers so I must be doing everything wrong.

Anyway. I clearly needed to vent. I’m waiting for the news that everyone in the family except us has been invited to theirs for Christmas. They have new sofas and my kids would be too big a risk.....

Sorry, Alicia! A knee-jerk reaction to having been a take-the-easiest-route mother, who had friends who read every book on baby care there was.

It really isn't true that you need to have children to have a valid opinion on them. There's lots of situations on here where people give advice on situations that they haven't personally experienced. I don't have kids but if I see a toddler drinking coke out of a baby bottle, I know that's not right. (And yes I've seen that.) Some of it is just common sense.

Having said that I don't say a word to my friends with kids as I know that parents are hilariously defensive. I just judge them silently and laugh about it later with my childfree friends.

@Juells trust me, I don't have that attitude that one way is better than the other at all. I just do what I can to get through the day most of the time. I've given pouches, food that probably has salt in it and everything in between at times.

Hang on a minute - you think people are judging you BUT you are not judging them ?

Some of it is just that as a parent there are a hundred and one things that you have to think about that others may not be aware of.

Ie someone without children may say ooh could they have the mash? They arent aware of salt contents or that baby doesnt like xyz. You dont know what you dont know

If i was to pick somewhere to eat with a kid, id think about some obvious things eg a high chair and a kids menu. A parent is likely to think of a 101 different things that i dont.

BouleBaker - similar situation here. It's been fun watching them have DC (and other life developments) of their own and slowly eat their own words about our lives over the course of years.

I'm not a spiteful person but there is some degree of delicious satisfying schadenfreude in that.

I wince when I hear people passing judgement on others’ parenting styles, but the tendency is far from limited to people without children. I think it comes down to personality and sometimes the need for people to bolster their own sense of self worth by criticising others.

Equally, it’s nobody’s place to assess another person’s right to be tired, whether they have children or not.

Having said that, I think when you’re young and child free and your friends start to have children it can take time to get used to the fact that their priorities have shifted and they’re perhaps not ‘available’ in the way they used to be. Perhaps some ‘insensitive’ comments come from this (temporary) uncertainty.

If you haven’t had dc, It’s really easy to look at the way parents are doing things and criticise their methods. Wait till they have their own dc and remind them of how they weren’t going to let their dc have tablets and they were going to feed their one year old mash and soup. (I’ve got a friend like this who now completely denies ever saying the majority of comments she made pre dc, but the rest of us all remember her pearls of wisdom).
I am wondering why they think mash and soup is a better meal than a cheese sandwich though? And I think the majority of parents would give their child a tablet to extend the time they could spend at an adult only lunch, it’s hardly entertaining for a child, so you have to do what you can to keep them busy so you don’t have to leave early.

I have teens now so not sure why I'm on this thread , but I do remember the intensity of having a baby, out and about and fitting around friends.

My babies would sleep nowhere but their cot. Not in my bed, hardly ever in their buggy, sometimes in the car. When they were young we would go round for dinner to meet with friends (with slightly older babies) and would arrange to leave early. The friends would nag and judge constantly saying we were 'previous' for not just putting them upstairs to sleep in their car seat. That's what they did all the time. We were anti-social apparently. Funnily enough, they went in to have twins as well. I think life got a bit busier for them! We don't really see them now.

When they were toddlers my best friend (male) was the most understanding. He would come out with me to the zoo, the park and local cafes just to hang out with us. Now my dcs are teens we kind of have 'our' friendship time back and we hang out alone again. The dcs just regard him as an uncle type who's always been there.

The people who I smirk at are the ones who are very new parents who take their tiny baby in a car seat or sling to the pub and proudly declare that having a baby will have no impact on their social at all. Hmmmm, try that when you have demanding toddlers who run everywhere and are bored in a pub.

Having said all that, I was a twat to my sister when she had 3 dcs and I have none. I used to complain constantly that I would ring for a chat at around 7pm and couldn't understand why she just couldn't find time to concentrate on our call. What a knob I was. Luckily my dsis didn't hold it against me and is a much better Auntie to my dcs than I was, although I hope I've made up now being close to her dcs as teens.

'Precious' not previous.

My friends started to ask about why can't she just eat mashed potato and soup and I felt like I had to defend myself somehow?

Why did you get defensive? It doesn’t sound like that we’re having a dig - I’d never heard of BLW until I had my DC, it’s still a relatively new thing that lots of people don’t really understand it because babies don’t have many teeth and baby food in jars is mashed - people are confused/ curious so just explain it. I think you’re being quite precious and unfair really. It’s normal and important to have ideas about how you would raise children before you have them - in some instances it works out how you imagined (plenty of people choose not to have IPads at tables or are just lucky enough to not need them) and in some cases things don’t work out as planned or you learn about a whole new way of doing things, like BLW. Just because people don’t have children doesn’t mean they can’t have opinions - and plenty of people without kids still spend a lot of time with them e.g. a nanny or nursery worker, or someone with young siblings or nieces and nephews.

Just to say as a childless person, that i might say some really stupid things. I know a bit about baby lead weaning but not enough to not suggest mash apparently. It would be a suggestion, not a judgement and i would then accept your response.

To do the cardinal sin and compare them to dogs.
We go out with friends and our dog. They pick places where the dog can go and thats sort of as far as their thinking goes. Friends that have had a dog might suggest a slightly nicer walk but As a dog owner, im thinking about the time of day for heat, is it an off lead walk, is it long enough etc. My dog has its own needs that no one else would think about (eg we'd try and pick walks without water etc).

My friends arent judging me when they suggest taking him somewhere else, they just dont realise the considerations that are involved. And why would you until you are a parent?

This sounds really exhausting. I'm child free but spend a lot of time with my niece. I'm not sure if this is the reason I understand you just need to do what you do to get through the day/hournext 5 min. It is really easy to be perfect when you don't have kids. But equally I'd expect a person of average intelligence to understand it is rude and insensitive to comment on what someone else is doing, especially parenting.

Also, you should probably bear in mind that if you don't want advice on a certain subject, don't moan or go on about it to people as it's a natural (and often annoying) reaction to give advice when someone does this.

the only perfect parent is one without kids!

^^So true.

My friend, whilst well-meaning, can be a complete fucking bossy nightmare. She doesn't even have nieces or nephews, but has started trying to take over when she's visiting - "oh, you REALLY should be putting her down for a nap now" ('she" being my 5 year old daughter), or "Hey, hey! Don;t mix up all the playdough colours! Now, this is how you should be doing it!" (to my 6 year old who just looks at her like, what the fuck, the colours aren't allowed to touch?), or she'll try and tell me how I need to tell them how to walk on the grass....etc...drives me crazy.

baby fits in with you
im howling with laughter

Having a baby is like dropping a bomb on your life and your left wondering what the hell happened!

My sister and BIL did faces when my eldest wasn’t potty trained by her second birthday and gave me a whole lecture on how their (hypothetical future) children DEFINITELY would be. I find laughing and saying “You’re so sweet!” works the best.

They are judging you. You are judging them. Hey ho

I don’t think this just applies to childless friends. In my experience parents are just as bad with the judgements.

Parents of older DC tend to make even more comments than childless friends IME.

Usually along "they'll be eating crisps/chocolate" "be fussy eaters" "watching the ipad" soon enough lines.

At least let us start off with good intentions

Everybody judges, that's human nature. It's the verbalising out loud the judgements, is the problem.

Before you have kids, you have a hundred golden rules.

When you have kids, you have no golden rules.

Best thing to do is just laugh and change the subject. I look back on how opinionated I was before kids, and just want to slap myself. I had no idea

Aww I’ve just remembered DSD wouldn’t let our kids sit on her sofa and eat in case they made a mess, wasn’t going to let her child have any screen based toys and was only going to have wooden, classy toys. Bless her.

DGC leave a trail of destruction wherever they go, have so much plastic shite they could sink a battle ship and are glued to peppa pig on the phone whenever she needs a quiet five minutes.

It’s cute really, the naivety. She’s a brilliant mum and her kids are gorgeous but bless her - we’ve all been there.

Me to DSis when her kids were about newborn and 2: ‘I know what you mean about having no time DSis, I have only managed to get to the gym once today’

Posts like this really irritate me. I don't have kids but I wouldn't dream of telling my friends with kids how to parent and how I would do things better. We're not all selfish inconsiderate idiots you know.