Comments that friends with no kids make about parenting

[Alicia870]

Is it just me or is it really frustrating when friends who don't have kids make comments about what they would do with a child, what they wouldn't do, and how other mums are doing things wrong!
Went out to lunch the other day with 2 friends who don't have kids. I have an almost one year old and asked did they mind if I brought her along otherwise I wouldn't be able to make it as I had no childcare. They were absolutely fine about it but it was quite a stressful hour and I ended up leaving early.

My baby has mostly been baby led weaned and I asked for some cheese sandwiches for her. My friends started to ask about why can't she just eat mashed potato and soup and I felt like I had to defend myself somehow? I have no problem with her eating those things but she just refuses to take from a spoon! She was quite impatient and ratty after about half an hour- not wanting to settle in high chair, not wanting to be held etc. We'd just ordered a coffee so I said just til I finish that I'll put in some YouTube and then head on.

Well then they preceded to talk about their nieces and nephews who just watch tv and iPads all the time and how they're going to try not to let their kids do that. I agree of course with the limiting of screen time but it just made me feel bad in that moment when I was just doing what I could to drink my coffee in peace for 2 minutes they also just talk a lot about other mums and how they parent, as If it's just black and white. You're either a clingy mum or a relaxed mum. You either really want to work or you don't. You either revolve your whole life around baby or baby fits into yours. I know friendships change after kids but it was quite exhausting as I just wanted to stand up for mums and say it's a tough job and most people are just trying their best! I had quite a difficult birth and recovery with my daughter and they were also almost joking about how am I gonna cope next time round with another one. Thought it was just really insensitive.
I just find it frustrating!

Goodlookingcreature

How can you possibly have an informed opinion of parenting if you’re not a parent yourself? Non-parents have no right to pass comment on a parent trying to entertain her child for a couple of hours while she has lunch.

To the poster who is complaining about a cheese sandwich, odfod

Oh bloody hell I should have known better than discussing food on here if giving a kid a cheese sandwich is now beyond the pale.

I was just empathising that the criticism about the food the child was eating wasn’t considered or based on the experience of actually feeding kids, just on some kind of perfect imaginary idea of what they would do with a kid. My brother does the same sometimes, checking the fat content of a yogurt the kids were eating (kids need fat!) or disapproving that I was making one meal for the kids and one for the adults, etc when he’s never fed a kid in his life!

But sometimes parents do make a lot of unhealthy decisions though. I went on vacation with my brother and his family. I didn't comment but the whole week the kids didn't eat one vegetable or fruit. Seriously nothing. It was all pancakes, spaghetti plain and bread with nutella. I'm not exagerrating, not one healthy thing in a whole week. They were primary school children, so not weaning babies. The kids did ask for something healthy twice and didn't get it. Once it was cherries and they wouldn't buy it because nobody liked them but the dc who asked (who would happily eat the whole box of cherries alone). The other time was when the ypungest asked for an orange but didn't get it because she only ate half, and what to do with the other half then? (How about eat it).

They also had a problem with the eldest. I said that he needed to be checked for ASD. They didn't want that. I suggested that he probably would do best on a routine and with clear rules. They muddled along (kid getting worse and worse) till he was 8 and by this time so unhappy that he threatened to kill himself. Suddenly the kid got help, was diagnosed with ASD. They were advised to do a routine and have clear rules and follow through because otherwise it confuses him (amongst other things that they were advised). The child became a lot happier thankfully. Their kid was very depressed for years just because the parents didn't want a diagnosis, although they acknowledged that something was wrong (wrong feels like the incorrect word here but you know what I mean). It was so sad to see.

Yes I judged. Still do. And I still think that I'm right even if I have no children.

I don't think just because your friends don't have kids that their opinions aren't valid. I have a DD but I don't profess to know everything about parenting. My friends have very different styles to me. I don't know the answers better than them and they don't know better than me as our children are different.

Your friends don't sound very supportive but I do find it frustrating when the "you'll understand when you have children" line is bandied out. My SIL used to say that all the time to excuse ridic childcare behavior on her part. She was a bit smug and would say "you'll be the same" and no, actually we're not. One size does not fit all.

I remember reading a funny USA book about being a super mum it was hilarious. Basically it said before you have dc you are an expert from reading all the books by the 3rd dc you realize you know nothing. Every dc is different every mum is different & that blasted nanny program use to annoy me because dc act differently with people they don't know.

It really doesn't upset me when friends comment about what they "would" do as some people have a clear way they want to parent (I know I did and have followed that ) and they are quite entitled to say that, wether it happens or not when their children are here is another matter.
If they were to directly call me out on a choice I made with my child, that may be different but a general chat I would not take personally.

It's easy to get defensive when your are trying to get your child settled in a social environment and they just don't want to but I can't really see what they have done in your OP that is so bad. They asked why the child couldn't have mash, it's quite a common food for young babies, they didn't say you should give her mash.

They were probably chatting about children and parenting from a perspective of what they know from others, which is all they are able to do at this point as they don't have there own children, so would have to stay mute on the subject otherwise.

Well you’re a bit of a dick then frankly.

You saw a week in their lives. You don’t know how they were coming to terms with their child’s issues, you also don’t know about the child’s eating habits from a snapshot of a week. But if this is what it takes for you to feel superior, I supposed it’s a bit of a blessing that you had enough sense to keep your mouth shut.

Dont most people make judgemental comments before they have children?
I certainly did. Even after I had my first. Then came my second..... and I realised I knew nothing

Sorry think I misread the intent behind the cheese sandwich post 😂
To be fair I did also have a lunch box full of berries too- it's just that she is baby led so lots of the food many other babies eat from spoons isn't appropriate for her. Not cos I'm precious about it or have even chosen that route- just because she turns her head and screams if I approach her with a spoon. Anyway I know that wasn't the intent behind that post and I know my friends weren't saying she 'should' have something else.
I just found I had to explain and justify why I'm doing it the way I am. And another example of how complicated it can be to be a mum - no one size fits all and they are al different.
It was jus a stressful encounter. Maybe I feel a bit lonely that friends who I used to be so close to really don't understand the challenges I face. Even the effort to get out the door that day- timing naps, making the packed lunch, measuring the formula, having the change of clothes, sacrificing my shopping because I just don't have time to fit it all in before I had to get back for next nap time.
I love being a mum I really do. It's just difficult to see close relationships change and feel that they can't relate. There's just that comraderie that comes from another mum. Even the waitress was full of understanding - that small 'we've all been there' and 'oh just do what you can to get 5 minutes peace' goes such a long way to a frazzled first time mum!

I was so judgemental befre I had kids of other peoples parenting! It came back to bite me on the arse big time. :)

One DC is severely autistic. I get judged sideways to sundays.

One thing parenting has taught me is to be a much nicer about other people's struggles"!!!!!

Incidentally I got judged big time this weekend because I was closely supervising my 9 year old at the park. She looked at me with what I can only describe as scorn. I felt like defending myself (autistic, dyspraxic, no sense of danger, prome to bolting out of the playground into the road) but in the end shrugged it off, although it does still rankle.

I found the worst judgements came from friends who had no children, but had dogs. They would exactly equate my child's behaviour to their puppy's (which, in some cases, with my children, was entirely valid!), but then tell me to use whatever method had worked with the dog!

One otherwise lovely friend sympathised with my constant sleepless nights with DD1 because she'd got a new puppy who cried at night. Puppy stopped by week three, DD cried until she was nine months old. Friend went on holiday and left dogs in kennels. Wasn't quite so easy with the kids...

Meh. I don't have kids and it winds me up what people who do have them think it's OK to say to those of us without. Cuts both ways.

I don’t have children but I know enough about it to know that it looks fucking awful and it astounds me that people actually choose that life for themselves!

So parents are never unfairly judgemental about other parents, OP? Must be a lot of made-up threads on MN then.

Sorry, I only got half way through the OP when I had to give up.

My baby has mostly been baby led weaned and I asked for some cheese sandwiches for her.

😂

I’d like to confirm I think it’s fine to give a kid a cheese sandwich (it wasn’t me judging that!). I have friends who do a similar thing with advice based on their cats and I’m very polite about it.

Yes Alicia870 it can be hard initially to see strong friendships change once one has a child. The friend with the child will obviously change, their priorities change and a lot of the time their lifestyles change. So I agree with that part but disagree with Is it just me or is it really frustrating when friends who don't have kids make comments about what they would do with a child, what they wouldn't do, and how other mums are doing things wrong!

It can be tough finding that common ground once ones life has altered so much initially, as the child free friends haven't changed but everyone has to find a way to keep the relationship. If they are true friends it will work 💐💐

I don't have children and I wouldn't say a word unless your child is about to run under a bus for all the reasons above and of course we all know non-parents have no valid opinions on anything

I think it's fine to give a baby a cheese sandwich as well, but if someone had lectured me about 'baby-led weaning' and sandwiches when I was shovelling pap into my baby's mouth I'd have rolled my eyes and sought out other mothers for socialising with. Unfortunately, people who use phrases like 'baby-led weaning' are always very judgemental, and bring out the worst in everyone else.

(sweeping generalisations, I know)

I sympathise with you OP, I’ve found this so hard as well. None of my close friends have children - some are really loving and supportive of me and my DC, but others are not quite so accepting. I’m secretly hoping they start having children soon so we can be in the same boat Until then, talking to mum friends has really helped me feel less alone and judged

@Juells that's a bit unfair - sorry to use the term 'baby led'. Didn't mean for it to cause offence. I just meant my baby is independent and doesn't like eating off a spoon so certain textures like mash don't work at the moment. In another few months I'm sure they will. I'm not standing on a high horse dictating how anyone should feed their baby. I was just trying to feed mine in an environment where I didn't want too much mess and fuss and give her something I knew she would eat.
Man alive!

Yes, this is so annoying!

To be fair i have to remind me husband to bot be annoying about the fact that DS never had a dummy. DH concludes that this is because of our superior parenting, not at all because DS just didn't take to them ( I tried, desperately!).

Your friends sound like judgy fuckers OP. Get some new friends!

I think it's good in principle not to be judgy towards other people and their efforts to do something difficult that you have never faced or attempted to face... this is a good idea in general, not just with parenting, actually.

It's a shame for them really, setting them up for a big crash down to reality when their child doesn't conform to the book they read or when they don't tick the box.
Sorry you didn't enjoy it. Sometimes it's easier to buy some nice biscuits and let them bring the coffee to you . I'm sure they mean no harm, but irritating nonetheless