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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how I can accept not having a family

109 replies

thisismynameforthispost · 26/08/2019 07:08

Next month, I have another birthday.

I had a chance conversation with a friend yesterday and although it was unintentional it did make me realise that in all honesty, having children is now highly unlikely.

The problem is, it’s been all I’ve ever wanted.

How can I learn to accept such a different life?

OP posts:
greentheme23 · 26/08/2019 07:19

Why is it unlikely? How old are you op? If you're 45 then probably yes but if not then you can!

slipperywhensparticus · 26/08/2019 07:20

How old are you?

Original poster
thisismynameforthispost · 26/08/2019 07:20

I’m 39 next month, but I’m also single.

OP posts:
BeanBag7 · 26/08/2019 07:22

Have you considered adoption or pregnancy through a sperm donor? If you're willing to go it alone, you could still have a family

StepAwayFromGoogle · 26/08/2019 07:23

You can do what a couple of friends of mine did and have IVF with donor sperm. It isn't a conventional 'family' but they are very happy.

tttigress · 26/08/2019 07:23

There are loads of men out there that also want nothing more than having children, so just meet one of those people.

I think part of the problem is, people get fixated on finding their ideal partner, there is no such thing as comprise.

Also, as a list resort, sperm donor?

Original poster
thisismynameforthispost · 26/08/2019 07:25

I’ve considered it Bean but it wouldn’t be right or practical for me.

I haven’t found any men - some people don’t find it as easy as others. I think at my age most men around my age are looking for younger women.

OP posts:
glasshalf · 26/08/2019 07:28

If it's all you have ever wanted consider sperm doner/adoption. I know someone who always wanted children , met a guy at 40 , tried but couldn't get pregnant and is now an incredibly bitter 62 year old who hates people with children , not saying that would be you (or anyone else) but I watched that happen and it's all because she so desperately wanted her own family!!

ShippingNews · 26/08/2019 07:32

If sperm donation / adoption wouldn't be right or practical for you, what's the difference between those options and the "meet man / fall in love /make babies" option ? You'd still end up with a baby - and if that's what you've always wanted, why is one option right and the other wrong ?

Original poster
thisismynameforthispost · 26/08/2019 07:33

I don’t understand what you mean shipping, I’m really sorry, can you explain?

OP posts:
Charles11 · 26/08/2019 07:34

I’m not sure op. I have a couple of friends in their late 40’s who have come to terms with this.
It’s not been easy for them and they’ve just had to find their way.
I also have another friend in her 40’s and she’s recently adopted a 7 yr old girl. It’s worked out really well for her and she’s really happy.

BelulahBlanca · 26/08/2019 07:35

I think what @ShippingNews is trying to say practically a baby is the same if you have a man or have the baby by yourself?

Original poster
thisismynameforthispost · 26/08/2019 07:35

Thanks, charles

OP posts:
2cats2many · 26/08/2019 07:36

A friend of mine was in this situation. She tried the sperm donor route, but it didn't work. She then adopted and four years later is so happy and fulfilled and has a wonderful little family. Don't rule it out.

Nuckyscarnation · 26/08/2019 07:39

Why wouldn’t it be right for you op? If children are all you’ve ever wanted then don’t you owe it to your future happiness to make things work?

I had my twins at nearly 40 via egg donor IVF as I have premature ovarian failure. I was fortunate enough to have met DH by then, but I would have gone it alone if needs be without a doubt.

It’s such a hard situation to be inFlowers

Original poster
thisismynameforthispost · 26/08/2019 07:39

I see belulah - well, it isn’t. Fertility treatment for IVF + donor sperm is horrendously expensive for starters, working on the assumption it works first time.

Then the actual costs of raising a child alone are very expensive, too. Nursery fees, paying for a mortgage, bills and the other things a child needs from one salary is difficult. It isn’t just the financial cost but the emotional one. To me, but also most importantly to the child. No brothers or sisters, no cousins, no dad, no grandpa or grandma. That’s quite a lonely existence for them, surely.

Even if I was with someone and was only had one child they would have two parents and the chances of him having a tiny extended family are minimal.

OP posts:
Verily1 · 26/08/2019 07:45

I think your problem is that you want everything to be perfect.

You can have a baby but your perfectionism is getting in the way.

You are making excuses.

If you really wanted it you would do it.

BelulahBlanca · 26/08/2019 07:45

You don’t have to tell me about the expense OP, I’m raising one by myself and it is hugely expensive! But my ex had no living family so she hasn’t lost anything in that respect.

I think having a donor seems like an easy option for people to suggest but the mental toll and financial toll of being a single parent family is huge, especially if you haven’t got a support system.

Whatsername7 · 26/08/2019 07:46

A friend of mine joined a facebook group for childless women. She says that the discussions are based on their lovely lives without children. I think most are childless by choice. Is this something you think would help?

StCharlotte · 26/08/2019 07:46

I was born to be a housewife and mother. It's all I ever wanted. I was 35 when I was in your position. I was fortunate to have a couple of older role models in my life who were single and childless and very happy. They were an inspiration to me.

Okay so I did get the man but, despite our best efforts, we didn't have children. It isn't all plain sailing but we still have a great life.

I hate the whole Insta thing but actually this sentiment is quite apt and all you can do is "live your best life" even if it's not the life you wanted.

I wish you happiness in whatever direction life takes you Flowers

Poochandmutt · 26/08/2019 07:47

Why not adopt an older child ,so no costs of childcare

Skittlenommer · 26/08/2019 07:47

Speaking from experience the childfree life is absolutely wonderful. There is more to life than having children.

vivaldisboots · 26/08/2019 07:52

@thisismynameforthispost if it were me I don’t think I would be able to accept it given the reasons you’re giving for not having a dc without being in a relationship.
My dd has no siblings/cousins/any other family. The friendships you are opened up to having dc are in the end what you use for your dc if you don’t have family.
Financially though, yes it’s been draining but for me I’d rather be financially poorer and have dc although I admit I would not have brought a dc into the world had I driven myself and dc into poverty knowingly.

ThighThighOfthigh · 26/08/2019 07:54

I know someone who had a child with her friend. The shared care works well - maybe because they've never been a couple.

The ideal of 2 parents happily married and raising a child together is lovely but......man plans and God laughs

ShippingNews · 26/08/2019 07:57

I thought my comment was pretty clear, OP. Either you have a baby with a man, or you have one without a man. At 39 you've got a short time frame for finding a man and making babies , so maybe try the option with no man involved.

However you've now added many other "road blocks" to your original problem - it's expensive ( yep it is) and the baby wouldn't have any family to speak of . Only you know how important those road blocks are . I grew up without all those family members and it worked out fine for me - maybe your imaginary baby would be fine too. You won't know until you try it .