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Original poster

To wonder how I can accept not having a family

109 replies

thisismynameforthispost · 26/08/2019 07:08

Next month, I have another birthday.

I had a chance conversation with a friend yesterday and although it was unintentional it did make me realise that in all honesty, having children is now highly unlikely.

The problem is, it’s been all I’ve ever wanted.

How can I learn to accept such a different life?

OP posts:
MissB83 · 26/08/2019 09:07

All I can offer is that this mythology of needing a family is just that. We have my parents around some of the time but my son IS my family, at least 80% of the time it's just him and I. We don't need anyone else except for practical support. You don't need other people. Appreciate that the financial constraints can be a significant issue but it depends on your position, it might be workable. Lots of people manage to work and put children into nursery on fairly low incomes. I think you need to decide what your priorities really are.

FajitasForTea · 26/08/2019 09:11

This probably won't be a popular idea, but in your shoes, I'd find one of those old school matchmaking agencies, and I'd adjust your expectations of love and romance a little - look for a kind man who has a job and decent personal hygiene and see where it goes. Maybe someone a little older. I know it's not exactly love at first sight across the crowded ballroom, but you can have a happy, loving family without that. I'd be perfectly clear about what you want - nice man for companionship and a family.

Where do you live OP? I grew up on a farm, and there are always long term bachelors in rural communities who are perfectly decent men but who have spent their younger years working on the family farm and as a result are single at an older age. There's nothing actually wrong with them but you'd never find them on a dating app.

Original poster
thisismynameforthispost · 26/08/2019 09:11

Possibly jelly but I do find that as lovely as friends are, they aren’t going to be with you all the time (I’m not suggesting they should be!) and the only real way of combating loneliness is to have a partner.

OP posts:
YummyFoodie · 26/08/2019 09:12

Babies are overrated. There's a big old thread on here titled "does anyone else regret having children? ". Many people followed the dream and got hit hard by the reality of it. Make the most of your circumstances.

Original poster
thisismynameforthispost · 26/08/2019 09:12

I’d be fine with that Fajitas

OP posts:
Original poster
thisismynameforthispost · 26/08/2019 09:12

Not helpful, Yummy.

OP posts:
tierraJ · 26/08/2019 09:20

I totally understand how you feel. I'm 43 and childless.

But I can't really have a baby as I have serious health problems so I have to stay on my meds - which could result in a disabled child. Also pregnancy could exacerbate my mental health problems.

If I was you I would definitely consider going it alone (I do understand your reservations) while trying everything to find a partner.

I desperately wanted a child and swore I would kill myself if I ended up childless.
But I've gradually come to an acceptance that perhaps my life will take another path.
I may even end up with stepchildren.

You don't have to accept this yet. I've known plenty of women give birth late 30s early 40s.

formerbabe · 26/08/2019 09:22

If I was in your shoes, I'd be dating like crazy. I'd treat finding a man like finding a job. You still just about have time if you get on with it.

FajitasForTea · 26/08/2019 09:23

In that case, that is what I would do OP. Google and see if there are any matchmaking type agencies in your area. Of course, the romantic ideal would be lovely, but throughout history it hasn't been a factor in the majority of marriages.

Original poster
thisismynameforthispost · 26/08/2019 09:23

Thank you, both. It’s good advice about treating dating like finding a job.

What are the best sites?

OP posts:
Ravenblack · 26/08/2019 09:25

@thisismynameforthispost

What do you want people to say? Confused

You have been given a myriad of suggestions on here, and you have poo-pooed every single one of them.

No matter what anyone says, you are throwing it off the table.

I don't think anyone can help you to be honest... Sad

I wish you well, but I don't think this thread is helping you.

Original poster
thisismynameforthispost · 26/08/2019 09:28

I haven’t poo pood every one at all, I’ve agreed I need to be more proactive in finding a partner, but realistically at 39 even if I met someone tomorrow I might not be able to have children.

The other suggestions have focused on either adopting a child or using donor sperm. I have not ‘poo-pood’ these; I have explained that they are not workable solutions for me.

OP posts:
Slightlyjaded · 26/08/2019 09:33

Try dating

If you aren't interacting with men romantically, and you aren't prepared to consider donation, and you don't believe the adoption process is for you, you have no chance....

If you try dating, you have some chance. My old flatmate met her partner at 42 and has just had her first at 44. They are very happy.

formerbabe · 26/08/2019 09:33

Sorry I have no experience of what dating sites are the best. Hopeful other posters will.

One thing I will say is that the people I know who were still single as they got older and subsequently met someone, were all proactive in their search.

Don't believe people when they say love comes along when you are least expecting it. I know a woman who thought like this and never actively sought anyone, consequently she's still single.

MardyLardy · 26/08/2019 09:34

You are quite right to be clear about what you want and yeah there are loads of awful men around. However loads of great ones too ... get proactive

Megs4x3 · 26/08/2019 09:35

Goodness me, there are some unpleasant and unhelpful comments here. The op is sad that she is not enjoying her life as she sees her future at the moment and has offered thoughtful and reasonable responses to suggestions. I don’t think she wanted solutions but empathy.

I’m so sorry that you’re finding such sadness in your life at present, but we never know what’s round the corner. You’re right - a decent and reputable dating agency might just be the corner you need. Good luck!!

Original poster
thisismynameforthispost · 26/08/2019 09:36

No, I agree former, it’s stupid really. It’s just hard because I lack confidence, but when you put it like that!

OP posts:
Chilledout11 · 26/08/2019 09:37

I think you sound like a lovely person actually. Considerate to the needs of a child and not just your own. I don't think I could go down the routes suggested above but I would really work hard to meet someone. Just go really full on - get yourself on the dating scene. 38 is totally fine to meet someone and have a couple of children. You deserve it. Flowers

Original poster
thisismynameforthispost · 26/08/2019 09:39

Oh, I hope you’re right, chilled and thank you for such a lovely response Smile

OP posts:
FAQs · 26/08/2019 09:40

@thisismynameforanotherpost I have a daughter, teenager now, but it’s just me and her no siblings, cousins etc and when she was a baby/toddler I made a huge effort going to baby groups etc and made friends and still friends with 3 of the mums now and we have been on holiday together etc. My teen is very social and has a wide circle of friends.

She says she has the best of both worlds just me and her at home and a place to escape and her friends when she is out school etc.

I know of another mum who had a baby at 48 and no family at all and her daughter again is a social butterfly and it hasn’t held either of them back.

If I hadn’t had my daughter, I was younger I know I would have gone down the donor route and reconsidered it a couple of years ago. I’m 44 now and regret not doing it.

There is a life outside children but that doesn’t take away from that desire, you do have options.

HalloumiGus · 26/08/2019 09:43

I like Fajitas idea OP - an old fashioned marriage agency might be perfect. Also agree that OD is a numbers game - you have to be proactive. You still have time but you need to move fast.

Valkarie · 26/08/2019 09:50

I would recommend going for one of the paid for sites if doing internet dating as it weeds out some of the time wasters. Tinder and plenty of fish have a reputation for being more likely to be just looking for sex, but people certainly do meet partners there too. If you have a particular interest or religion then there are often sites for that too. Good luck!

theliverpoolone · 26/08/2019 09:54

OP, I felt like you at your age. I did loads of OLD and eventually met my (now ex) P on a Singles holiday, when I was older than you are. We went on to have dd through IVF. We eventually separated, so now I'm a single parent to one child, struggling financially and often lonely, no family nearby - but I have a wonderful dd. So - it's definitely not too late for you (book a Singles holiday!), but do be realistic that situations can change and there's no guarantee that you wouldn't end up a single parent, that's just how life can turn out. Good luck Flowers

justmyview · 26/08/2019 10:05

OP, I really do sympathise. I think it's hard to come to terms with life not turning out as you hoped

It might help a little to bear in mind that, even if you don't have children of your own, it's still possible that you might meet a partner who has children of his own, which would give you an opportunity to become a stepmother / grandmother

I also think that uncertainty is very difficult. If you knew for sure how things would turn out, that would probably be easier

Original poster
thisismynameforthispost · 26/08/2019 10:07

Thank you. It’s definitely true about the uncertainty.

OP posts: