To wonder how I can accept not having a family

[thisismynameforthispost]

Next month, I have another birthday.

I had a chance conversation with a friend yesterday and although it was unintentional it did make me realise that in all honesty, having children is now highly unlikely.

The problem is, it’s been all I’ve ever wanted.

How can I learn to accept such a different life?

How about having a baby with a friend? (I have several gay male friends who would love to go down that route)

You could co-parent, split the costs, and they'd likely have some extended family that you want. Plus it means both of you are free to date other people, which would eventually lead to the child having lots of family!

I think 39 can be a difficult age whatever state of life you find yourself in - it can feel a bit like a halfway post when you suddenly realise you are not quite where you imagined you might be. For many people hitting 40 is the moment when they reassess lots of aspects of life - in your case you are focusing on not having a family, others may be coming to terms with the fact that they never really got their career going (perhaps through having a family) or that they perhaps haven’t fulfilled the potential their stellar academic career promised. Lots of people have come on here to bear witness that 39 is not too late to think about having a family, but you will need to get your skates on. You’ve said it is all you have ever wanted, but have also set out lots of stipulations. You need to decide whether you want to throw every penny you have at going it alone (calculate how much better off you’d be without and think about what you might do within the money instead) or would you rather direct your efforts at finding a partner first? I’d second redoubling your efforts on a good dating site - I can think of at least four good friends off the top off my head who met their soulmate this way in their late 30s.

I don’t think I have any real male friends omega, certainly not ones close enough I could suggest this to!

I haven’t really set out many stipulations Lillian, but adoption panels wouldn’t approve me and so I would need to look at IVF with donor sperm. That’s just the beginning. I haven’t totally, entirely ruled it out but the brutal truth is that I would be bringing a child into an existence I’m not confident would be a happy one. Childcare fees would take up just about all my salary so we would be stuck somewhere small and cramped, with the child in full time childcare throughout his or her early years, and then of course if something happened to me the child would be at the mercy of the care system.

I think you need to date up a storm, starting right now. Get on all of the main dating sites (Tinder, plenty of fish, Match, eharmony), meet up with anyone who sounds promising for an initial coffee, low pressure, and see who you meet. And be very clear about what you want.

I found myself single at 28 and ready for a family and worrying I’d be unable to conceive if I left it much longer (and absolutely not willing to get into another long term relationship with an expiration date due to wanting different things). On the second date with my now fiancé (been together three years, bought a house and conceived this year and are marrying next month) I told him fairly casually that my last relationship had ended due to me wanting kids and him not being ready, and that I planned to start a family one way or another within the next two or three years. And if that seemed to fit with his goals great, if not that’s great too, but no point continuing to date.

If I’d been a decade older that time frame would have been more like six months.

There are plenty of men out there who want kids and are ready, and if you meet the right person and you’re crazy about each other things can move very quickly when you’re older. A friend of mine met his partner when she was 34, him 26, she said to him if we get together I want to be TTC six months from now, and they went on to have two beautiful children.

Time’s running out but even if it doesn’t pay off I think you’ll feel more able to accept that it didn’t happen for you if you throw everything at it now than if you just let your last couple of potentially fertile years ebb away feeling defeated and like you have no control over the situation.

I wasn’t criticising your stipulations - I think they are entirely reasonable. You ask how you can ever come to terms with not having kids and if it were me I would be focusing on all those points. It is good that you can imagine the reality rather pining after some rosy, idealised picture of motherhood. I have lots of friends who haven’t had kids who all lead happy, fulfilled lives. The brutal truth is that it doesn’t happen for everyone for all sorts of the reasons. What I think is particularly hard today is that it can seem that the perfect family is is just another round of IVF away - I think it’s already helpful that you can see the struggle doesn’t end when/if you conceive the baby. I wish you all the luck in the world whatever you decide to do.

This was my friend. Then she decided stuff it. Went on online dating. Arranged all her date straight from work in local coffee shop (we work in local hospital). Wore work clothes, no makeup and hair tied back. She had 5 of these coffee meet ups in two weeks and second wee she met her now husband.

Agree with PP, adoption isn’t realistically an option a lot of the time. It’s hard to be approved, is a very long process, and can be extremely difficult to cope with which is why the support network element is there. We have a couple of adopted children at school. They absolutely need and rely on their family support, because the children have lots of unidentifiable additional needs. They don’t just turn up as a fresh new kid, they will have brought their previous lives with them, and helping them through that takes some extremely hard work.

Re being single/no family with a child, though, I have a friend like this. She was with the dad, but he spiralled into a total prick during pregnancy and left when the child was tiny. Her own parents are addicts, the child’s father had some family but they don’t bother and neither does he. The child isn’t off with his dad EOW and the dad doesn’t contribute financially. My friend is very very happy. Probably one of my most content friends, because she knows that nobody is coming to rescue the situation she isn’t waiting around for any of them to step in. She gets on and does everything herself and is able to take real pride in her abilities as a mum and in her work. They’re great, she takes him all over the place travelling, he goes to extra-curricular clubs and friend’s parties, has play dates and all the rest. He’s not lonely because of lack of biological family. Between them, they’re having a fulfilling and loving life. She’s got friends, but has also made lots of new friends as you do when you have a kid.

I can see OP, that you’re craving a family as much as a baby. I think you may have to let the desire for a family go if you’re going to have a baby. It doesn’t always work that way even if it seems you’ll get a family at the beginning. My DH and I are almost totally alone in our parenting, my family are not really into the kids, and my husband’s massive family are even less so. It wasn’t how I envisaged being married with kids, I thought we’d have what others have, grandparents taking them out, aunties and uncles coming for birthdays etc etc. but none of them bother.

Look at all the threads on here about feuds with BIL’s, MIL’s, mums, dads, brothers and sisters. Having a ‘proper’ family isn’t always what people expect or hope for either.

I had a dc at 43 with a new dh. Don't give up on the life that you crave op.
My dc have no dgps or extended family at all. They are happy with dh +I!!

Yes to online dating!

I used it years ago and it really gave me a confidence boost, as well as feeling nice to get to know someone a bit before being stuck on a date with them. I met my husband while I was chatting to lots of different amazing and interesting guys online. Once me and now DH started getting serious, I messaged them all just kind of lightly explaining, and then bye! I needed the boost of OLD because I’d been caught in such stupid relationships up until that point, and needed the arms-length nature of it to kind of work out what I actually wanted from a partner.

The one I was on, I think maybe match.com, I’m fairly sure they could write in their bio if they were looking for something serious/having children.

Sorry not had time to read all replies but why would you not get approved as an adoptor ?
I adopted a little one at 52 . You are certainly not too old . The process sucks to be frank but it depends on how much you really want it at the end of the day.
Or what about fostering ? I am also a foster carer and adopted one of our fosterlings . You could stay home and care for a child and possibly adopt down the line ! It could be a great solution and there are many children looking for permanent foster placements to adulthood so a win win all round.
My family is a mix of birth, adopted and foster children . It isn't perfect or conventional in some ways ( kids range from 30 to 5 yrs old , some have complex needs etc ) but it works for us. It could work for you as well but to be frank you need to shelve the negativity and look at how to make it happen. The v best of luck to you. I hope you get the family you long for. X

There are plenty of men out there who want kids and are ready, and if you meet the right person and you’re crazy about each other things can move very quickly when you’re older.

This is very true, I'm single at the moment mainly by choice, but I've lost count of the number of men that I've met, liked and we've parted ways because I cannot have children. None of the men I've met want to consider adoption.

I agree with the advice to be pro-active about dating and focus on meeting someone for companionship, has good health & personal hygiene, family oriented & good values/morals.

The concerns you've raised regarding being a single parent are valid and I think PP have been a little harsh on you.

I can't have children due to health reasons, I always thought I'd be married with four kids. The marriage never happened and being a single parent via adoption is not something I'd consider. I remember the misery of being raised in a single parent household. The priority for me was having children as part of a two parent family.

In response to your original question. It's taken a few years but I've finally come to terms with being childless. I will always feel sad about it (which I have accepted as a normal emotional response), but I have consciously made the decision to focus on my career, my social life and having nice things.

If you take onboard the advice given, you definitely still have time to have the family that you're craving...

TTTigress I see your point ,but although there are lots of men out there wanting a family .You have to meet the right one for you and sometimes this doesnt always happen !

"I know someone who had a child with her friend. The shared care works well - maybe because they've never been a couple. The ideal of 2 parents happily married and raising a child together is lovely but......man plans and God laughs"

Indeed - i did everything 'right' and do not have the happy family i planned - its just me, DD and the broken home i had and didnt want her to

I would go down the platonic co-parenting route personally. Join with a person you like and think is competent to pool resources and raise a happy child or two, with that being the aim. Adding romance makes it so unpredictable!

You can find someone to co-parent with using the website www.coparents.co.uk (there may be other websites too). I know someone who is doing just this - she’s heterosexual, was getting towards late 30s, wanted a family but had no partner. On the website she met and interviewed several gay guys, found a really nice gay man, wrote up an agreement (consulted child psychologist and lawyer). They did the sperm donation at home so no clinic costs. They have a gorgeous baby who lives with Mum but Dad sees the child most days (takes baby out in the pram). Child will gradually build up to overnights with Dad. Goal is 50-50 by about school age. It is working out so far. There are obviously always going to be issues, but, like you, the Mum wanted her child to have two parents (and 4 grandparents, who all adore this baby), and she didn’t feel financially able to support on baby completely on her own. You need to make sure Dad is tested for stds etc. and the agreement isn’t legally binding, but it provides a guide for each parent’s expectation. The website has lots of advice on how to be safe doing this. Obviously care and trust is involved. I think arrangements like this will become more common. There are lots of ways to make a family!

I would also look at solo holidays. What a great way to meet someone and even if you don't at least you got a holiday out of it!

Thank you, you’ve all been very lovely and I feel more like tackling this head on.

I really hope before my next birthday I’m complaining about pregnancy sickness with some of you!

My DSis and a friend are both married to lovely men they met on the Natural Friends website.

I’m actually a bit bored at work at the mo OP so I have done some googling on your behalf.

There appears to be a website called ‘muddy matches’ specifically for those interested in the rural/farming community dating scene, maybe worth a look at?

I viewed relationships with boyfriends as early job interviews, for the position of husband and father.It probably would have been more fun not to. But I think you have to be proactive about finding someone. It's different to how it used to be. Also please bear in mind not all families are the same. Love doesn't have to come from two parents. Neither of my parents love me, I really don't know what they were thinking having a baby. They're abusive. My dcs have no relationship with them or extended family as I want to protect my dcs from them. I'd be happy with just the love from one parent. Maybe have some counselling to help you decide what you want.

Have you actually looked into adoption? You can be single and adopt.
My son and I are a family, a small family true but we’re not lonely or unhappy.
If you adopt a child you automatically build up a support network through nursery/school/clubs etc
There are plenty of single mums doing brilliantly.

Thank you

shplot, I have looked into it and the support network would be the nail in the coffin.

In all respect OP, I don't think you want it all as much as you think. If you wanted children you would have them by now. I don't think many people who plan their lives perfectly ever really get what they want when they want. Life happens and it's not all a bed of roses, the way you seem to think.
If it's children you desperately want, then you should be looking at ways to have them on your own and make that your priority. The partner can come later.
Of course it's still possible to meet the man of your dreams and have children but realistically speaking you don't have a lot of time so I would be prioritising the most important things that you want from life.

I've met lots of people who seem to be afraid of change

I've met a few people, who have said to themselves, I want to achieve X and all of them have achieved their goals
They decided
They made plans
They put the plans into action
They set timescales
Be positive that you will achieve your goal

If you want something, you need to put in effort, plan, research, put in the time.
Do a multitude of things
Dates, holidays, Facebook, do something out of your comfort zone

Do you know that you will need IVF OP? If not, a donation might be enough on its own and that is far far cheaper.

I'm 38 and I'm currently pregnant on my own and I did not need IVF.

If you really really want a family, I don't think you should dismiss the idea. Yes, I will have to make different career choices than if I was doing it with a partner. But you do start getting free childcare at 3, there are single parent tax credits that help ease the financial strain, so you might find it doable, although admittedly a stretch initially.

Do you have any family that might be willing to help with childcare a bit? Even if it necessitated a move? I have also found that friends are much keener to get involved than I imagine they would be if I was with a partner. In terms of the emotional aspect, I know my baby is going to have a loving family, just not a dad - and sure that is going to be different but will it necessarily be worse than say having two parents who go through a nasty divorce or an unhappy marriage, or a dad that turns out to be abusive or a cheat? When I was thinking about doing this someone said to me that parenting alone is a lot easier than parenting with a twat! (And often a lot better for the child).

If you really think this would be impossible for you, would you perhaps consider co-parenting? There are networks and services set up now for people to have a child together but not be romantically involved.

Having a child is not necessarily the be and end all and I really believe you can have a very full and happy life without one, but if you feel like you really want this then you really only have the option of accepting a set up different to what you imagined, or letting go of the idea and embracing a child free life.

Babies are overrated. There's a big old thread on here titled "does anyone else regret having children?". Many people followed the dream and got hit hard by the reality of it. Make the most of your circumstances

This!! The grass may appear greener but you’re essentially planning to make your life a hell of a lot harder than it has to be and you’ll have to cope with all of it on next to no sleep! So so so many parents say it’s not worth it and I have a suspicion that those who say it is worth it are not being entirely truthful!