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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how I can accept not having a family

109 replies

thisismynameforthispost · 26/08/2019 07:08

Next month, I have another birthday.

I had a chance conversation with a friend yesterday and although it was unintentional it did make me realise that in all honesty, having children is now highly unlikely.

The problem is, it’s been all I’ve ever wanted.

How can I learn to accept such a different life?

OP posts:
Nuckyscarnation · 26/08/2019 07:58

The trouble is @Skittlenommer that telling that to someone who wants children more than anything is pointless. If you want children then there is nothing that compensates for the lack of them.

I seriously considering killing myself if my fertility treatment didn’t work. That’s how pointless life seemed without a child.

OP. I totally hear you regarding the constraints, but I tend to agree with the posters saying they can be overcome. Lifestyles can be downgraded (mine has been) and having a baby in itself can help you meet loads of new people.

Would you definitely need IVF? Many people use donor sperm without having IVF.

Original poster
thisismynameforthispost · 26/08/2019 07:58

Verily, I don’t just want a baby, I want a family

That isn’t to match some ideal of perfectionism, it’s what most people have, at least to start with.

Pooch, the adoption process is quite stringent and I would be unlikely to be approved.

OP posts:
Nuckyscarnation · 26/08/2019 08:05

But you didn’t state that in your original post op. You said a child.

Many people’s families don’t last. Husbands can leave. A child is forever. I sometimes think my life with the twins would be easier without my DH. He drives me spare a lot of the time.

There’s nothing to say you couldn’t meet the perfect man at 45, 50, 60.
Having a child won’t wait that long.
There are no easy answers, but when the fairy tale looks unlikely you have to assess which bits are really important to you.

You sound depressed and at the end of your tether. Have you thought about counselling to unpick all your feelings? That’s what I did regarding the egg donation and it was a huge help.

BelulahBlanca · 26/08/2019 08:06

I feel you, OP. I would love to be married, buy my own house and to have done the things ALL my friends seem to be doing. There is definitely a sense of injustice to it, if them then why not me!

Original poster
thisismynameforthispost · 26/08/2019 08:09

It’s really not about a fairy tale.

I have seriously considered donor sperm, but truthfully, I think the child would be unhappy. Morally, I feel that’s wrong.

If I had a loving extended family it would be totally different, but I don’t. Therefore, my child and I would be in a very precarious position, financially and emotionally.

OP posts:
Original poster
thisismynameforthispost · 26/08/2019 08:10

I know belulah!

OP posts:
StripeySocks29 · 26/08/2019 08:19

No brothers or sisters, no cousins, no dad, no grandpa or grandma. That’s quite a lonely existence for them, surely.

My only sibling is disabled, won’t have any children, and my DH is an only, our parents are quite elderly and live hundreds of miles away, so our DD is unlikely to have much of a relationship with them except seeing them twice a year. We’re only having one, so she won’t have any siblings or cousins, it didn’t even occur to me that this would be a problem.

Your attitude is quite defeatist.

Plenty of women have children over 40 nowadays, just get online dating and make it clear what you want.

2cats2many · 26/08/2019 08:19

Why don't you think you'd be approved for adoption?

swingofthings · 26/08/2019 08:21

OP, your selfless views on he matter is very commendable. Se women decide to go the single parent route by choice when they have no family and it would be only them and the child, having this idyllic vision of an exceptional tight bond with their child, both of them against the world. Sadly it doesn't always go that way. A friend of mine did exactly that, got pregnant on purpose after a one night stand and raised the bs y alone. It was very hard but she was happy until the child turned 8. He started to question his father, why he had no family and he turned into a very difficult preterm, full of resentment and anger. He turned into drugs at 15. He is now 19, and trying to get clean, struggling but he still doesnt want to see his mum much. Growing up with just a mum can be tough for one child, especially when you have no choice but to work FT to support them.

Saying that don't rule yourself out yet. It's getting late, but certainly not too late and plenty of women met the one at your age and had kids in their 40s.

jellycatspyjamas · 26/08/2019 08:24

Why not adopt an older child ,so no costs of childcare

I really hate it when folk suggest adoption in this way. Adopting an older child is tough road to go down. In adoption land 4-7 equals an older child, children over 8 are rarely placed for adoption such are their very complex care needs.

Older children come to adoption with all kinds of issues but at 4-7 years old they definitely still need childcare. Folk who adopt need a solid support network, it’s not for the faint hearted and not just like parenting a birth child.

OP, I struggled with infertility for 25 years before adopting my two - it’s not necessarily the case that you can’t have children, but I do understand that the options open to you might not be ok for you. I think part of coming to terms with it is being able to acknowledge the choices you’ve made and to mourn the loss of the family you don’t have.

I get that it’s the whole family network of two parents, one or two children and possibly in laws etc that you wish you had rather than wanting a child as such.

Liverbird77 · 26/08/2019 08:28

OP I understand what you're going through because I've been there.
I met my now husband just before I was 37, so just a smidge younger, but not much.
We fannied around for a good few years...house /location/job changes bit we finally had a baby last December. I was 41. Now 42 we are trying for a second.
You do, in all likelihood, have time to have kids.
As to the partner situation... Prioritise it. Start now. That's what I did. I online dated like a maniac. Loads and loads and loads of dates. The scattergun approach worked for me. I know it isn't guaranteed, but it is a food strategy.
I hope it works for you!

Original poster
thisismynameforthispost · 26/08/2019 08:28

Stripey, with respect, your child still had two parents.

I would be unlikely to be approved for adoption because the adoption panel do need to see that you have a support network, which I don’t.

I hope so, swing, maybe this year will be my year!

OP posts:
Original poster
thisismynameforthispost · 26/08/2019 08:29

Maybe I do need to be more proactive. I have never been very confident in my appearance or talking to men.

OP posts:
Buddytheelf85 · 26/08/2019 08:30

@Nuckyscarnation
The title of her post refers to a family.

WitsEnding · 26/08/2019 08:32

I have a friend who always wanted children but sadly didn't meet the right man. In her 50s she met her long-term DP and is now very happy and wouldn't wish for anything different.

ThighThighOfthigh · 26/08/2019 08:35

I agree re the adoption comments. I, personally, would not adopt. People say it like - well, just have the lasagne instead.

ThighThighOfthigh · 26/08/2019 08:39

OP i think work on your confidence and doing what feels right re your appearance (for your confidence). Then give dating a really good try for a couple of years.

Maybe try an introduction agency rather than OLD? My friend did one of those as she didn't like running the gamut of OLD.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 26/08/2019 08:40

I was an only child and adopted as a single parent. We were a small family but we were/are close. My girls are best friends with each other and adore/tease their younger brother. A small family is better than no family. A small family is better than an orphanage. A small family can be big with love.
Yes, it was expensive. We never took a vacation to Europe and the girls had to share clothes. We had everything we needed and they realized that as they grew up.

BanginChoons · 26/08/2019 08:40

I have seriously considered donor sperm, but truthfully, I think the child would be unhappy.

Why do you think the child would be unhappy? Families come in all shapes and sizes, and your family structure doesn't tend to make you unhappy if the people within it are loving and supportive and kind.

Watchingthyme · 26/08/2019 08:41

@thisismynameforthispost
I think sometimes you just need to get these thoughts out.
Getting accidentally pregnant and deciding to keep it, is very different from paying 8k to go through donor route. And making a decision to go donor is very hard. And not for everyone.

I feel your pain. With coming to terms with it. Start with small things that make you happy. No one is happy all the time. It’s hard. But we all have to live with some kind of loss in our lives. The key is to not get eaten away by it.

AgentJohnson · 26/08/2019 08:43

I wouldn’t have chosen to be a single mother but I am and being DD’s mum is awesome and raising her alone is actually is now my preference.

namby · 26/08/2019 08:48

I sympathise OP, having IVF with a sperm donor is hardly a viable option for many and does not end in anywhere near the same end result! I have one friend who did this but she is very well off financially and didn't want a relationship, as you say, you want a relationship- that isn't striving for perfection, that's a normal biological response for many people.

I'm sorry I have no answers for you, I would say it's not too late but you don't want to live your life waiting for something to happen. Could you go see a counsellor? I've had a "gap" in my life and I sought talking therapy, it was treated like grief. Helped to talk through it.

jellycatspyjamas · 26/08/2019 08:56

@thisismynameforthispost I wonder if part of the issue is loneliness generally. When you say you don’t have a support network I get the sense you don’t have many people in your life who are there for you? If that’s the case it sounds like you need more than a partner, maybe some close friends with whom you share parts of yourself and your life. It won’t relieve the wish for a family but knowing you have reliable support, people you can call on, does make day to day life feel easier.

IsobelRae23 · 26/08/2019 09:05

@thisismynameforthispost I’m 38, with two teens and am very very recently single. I have numerous opportunities for dates etc, and believe me it’s harder when you already have children. So 39 is not a write off! Several of my friends have met partners between 47-42, and have had their first child! Please don’t give up, or it will become a self fulfilling prophecy!

Marinetta · 26/08/2019 09:06

I think the reasons you give for not being able to go it alone are more to do with your fear of going it alone rather than the actual practicalities of it. There are lots of single women who become mothers every year and the majority of them manage to give their children a good life. There is plenty of support in place for single parents and I'm sure you would be able to cope very well if you did decide to go it alone. If you really are desperate to have a child and it is the thing you want most in the world then you will find a way to make it work. You may have to make some sacrifices and some changes to your lifestyle but the same applies to any parent.