Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH Hand Gesture

72 replies

Dmacka75 · 26/08/2019 00:13

I've just had a terrible row with my DH, which is not normal, but Its been on my mind since earlier today
We were out with DS4 and I said something which obviously annoyed him, he forcefully slapped the back of one hand against the other 3 or 4 times, which to me seemed quite violent and aggressive.
I ignored it at the time as we were with our son. I've brought it up tonight and he is completely dismissing it, saying it was nothing, I've said it upset me as it seemed as if he was quite obviously upset with something I said, he then said it was his way with dealing with how I made him feel.
I cant even remember what I had said that made him so upset, but felt his reaction was quite aggressive.
I've never had this sort of reaction from him at all with anything. We have been together for 15 years and I'm quite taken aback.
Hes now stormed of to bed and I'm left wondering what's happened.
Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:
Wherearemycrayons · 26/08/2019 00:15

Have you asked him what you actually said wrong?

Smellbellina · 26/08/2019 00:15

Whose hands were slappped? His own?

user1473878824 · 26/08/2019 00:16

OP it is an aggressive gesture but I think you’re really over thinking this.

Original poster
Dmacka75 · 26/08/2019 00:19

@SmellBellina his own hands, he smacked one against the other if you get what I mean

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/08/2019 00:19

We need a lot more information here. What did you say? Was his gesture made to you or was it something done out of frustration?

Original poster
Dmacka75 · 26/08/2019 00:20

@Wherearemycrayons yes, I've asked and he says he doesn't remember, and I dont know what I have said either
I know I can be a bit of a pain in the arse!

OP posts:
Smellbellina · 26/08/2019 00:20

Then I think you need to give him a chance to talk to you and really listen as there is obviously something up

Cheeserton · 26/08/2019 00:20

You're overreacting. 15 years without a hint of aggression, you'd be better off finding out what's wrong than going after him for slapping his own hands together.

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 26/08/2019 00:20

I'm a little confused, OP.

Did he slap his own hands?

Or did he hit your hand(s) with the back of his?

It's obviously upset you. However, after fifteen years where there hasn't been any DV I would be wondering just why he was so very upset.

I'm not excusing his behaviour but if it was very out of character I think you need to have a calm talk to him about why it happened.

Probably he feels rather guilty, which is why he took himself off to bed. He might be feeling angry with himself for losing control?

Cheeserton · 26/08/2019 00:22

losing control
He slapped his hands together a few times. He hardly lost it.

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 26/08/2019 00:22

Okay - cross-post.

So he was very frustrated by something you said or did.

You need to ask him. Tomorrow, when you're both calm and rested.

Original poster
Dmacka75 · 26/08/2019 00:24

@Aquamarine1029 I really dont know what I said as I didnt address it at the time as we were with our son and I didnt want to get into an argument in front of him, but I really cant think of anything i said that could have provoked that reaction. He has said tonight that he doesn't know why he did it which doesnt really help matters

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/08/2019 00:25

I know I can be a bit of a pain in the arse!

Well that's not good, is it? Why is this so? Could it be he's reached the end of his tether and is just fed up?

Original poster
Dmacka75 · 26/08/2019 00:27

Thanks all. Think Its best to revisit tomorrow and see if he is more able to talk

OP posts:
Croquembou · 26/08/2019 00:30

He has said tonight that he doesn't know why he did it which doesnt really help matters

What do you want him to say? He got cross, he got frustrated, he did something in the moment that made him feel calmer. He probably doesn't know why he did it. If it's out of character for him, I'd leave it or check in with him that everything is OK and there isn't something the matter.

I know MN has a very level for men and/or tempers but you've been together 15 years. Come on. Give him some slack.

Original poster
Dmacka75 · 26/08/2019 00:30

@Aquamarine1029 yes I know, we can both be a little jokey sarcastic with one another, which i thought he would be able to tell me if i had upset him but who knows?

OP posts:
Blondebakingmumma · 26/08/2019 00:32

Considering this is the first time he has ever done this in 15 years, it’s really quite strange. I’m trying to visualize the slapping the backs of his hands together.... like a seal?
Seem very odd. Did he have an aggressive look on his face while he did it?

I think you need to address with him that whatever he does with his body is within his control and he shouldn’t blame someone else for his own behavior (victim blaming).

Let him cool down and then try talking about it again. I really don’t think you can let it slide because it may be worse next time

Original poster
Dmacka75 · 26/08/2019 00:32

@Croquembou yes you are probably right, it shocked me in the moment as it was out of character, which is why I brought it up. I think you are right and I need to have a sleep and move on

OP posts:
Zebraaa · 26/08/2019 00:34

Jesus. He smacked his own hands. How do you women cope with life.

Pleaser256 · 26/08/2019 00:34

He can remember, but he is embarrassed or uncomfortable to discuss it. I agree with PP, I would drop it if this is his first “act of aggression” in 15 years

Original poster
Dmacka75 · 26/08/2019 00:36

@Blondebakingmumma I felt as though he was hitting his hands as a release of anger at me, I realise that is just my interpretation, but it was an usual thing for him to do
I think we may need some more discussions in case there is something going on under the surface

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/08/2019 00:39

Tomorrow, I think you should talk to him from a place of calm and contrition. By that, I do NOT mean that you are the one 100% in the wrong. Rows almost always take two, and it sounds like there was a moment of misunderstanding and frustration. You may have been annoying, he may have reacted badly. I would ask him what upset him and LISTEN to what he has to say without being defensive. You should then ask him to listen to your side so you can both make amends and move forward. The skill of communication is something that constantly needs to be practiced, even if you have been together for years and years.

Perhaps you and your husband need to spend more quality time together just the two of you. Having a young child can certainly take a toll on any relationship.

CucinaBreakfast · 26/08/2019 00:40

I'm going to go against the grain here. I don't think he's displaying any potential for violence against you OP, but i think it's worrying nonetheless.

This is a really minor example of self harm. He's feeling frustration/anger/stress and fixing that feeling by hitting and hurting himself. I do something similar and have been in therapy as it can worsen beyond an innocent hand slap to things like pulling hair, head hitting and causing bruises on other parts of the body. It sounds like he doesn't have a way to express and calm those feelings. Maybe check in with him when you're both calm, ask if he wants to talk and really listen to him etc.

So my take is that it's not a big deal at all in its own right, but could be a flag for something a bit more sinister.

FlibbertyGiblets · 26/08/2019 00:40

I know the gesture you mean. Like punching one fist into the palm of the other hand. Not nice.

Hope you're okay.

Original poster
Dmacka75 · 26/08/2019 00:40

@Zebraaa I cope very well with life thanks and have had quite a few bumps in the road along the way, which I have been strong enough to deal with.
I haven't had my, usually, very calm husband behaving in a bizarre way, which I wanted to discuss

OP posts: