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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH Hand Gesture

72 replies

Dmacka75 · 26/08/2019 00:13

I've just had a terrible row with my DH, which is not normal, but Its been on my mind since earlier today
We were out with DS4 and I said something which obviously annoyed him, he forcefully slapped the back of one hand against the other 3 or 4 times, which to me seemed quite violent and aggressive.
I ignored it at the time as we were with our son. I've brought it up tonight and he is completely dismissing it, saying it was nothing, I've said it upset me as it seemed as if he was quite obviously upset with something I said, he then said it was his way with dealing with how I made him feel.
I cant even remember what I had said that made him so upset, but felt his reaction was quite aggressive.
I've never had this sort of reaction from him at all with anything. We have been together for 15 years and I'm quite taken aback.
Hes now stormed of to bed and I'm left wondering what's happened.
Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:

LittleDoritt · 26/08/2019 01:37

I can't visualise this gesture at all.

Coyoacan · 26/08/2019 01:38

Unless there are signs of emotional abuse in your relationship, OP, I would check that you are both communicating properly. Do you remember to listen when he is speaking and vice versa? It reminds me of the feeling I used to have with my ex, who was incapable of listening to me, but that is only a shot in the dark.

mathanxiety · 26/08/2019 01:40

After he did this, did you fall silent?

Was the subject changed?

Your H owes you a thorough explanation of his angry demeanour today, an explanation of both displays of anger.

It's not good enough to do the hand thing and also storm off to bed when asked about it. It's a way of shutting you up.

mathanxiety · 26/08/2019 01:42

Did the atmosphere change after he slapped his hand?

Smilebehappy123 · 26/08/2019 01:49

OP your over reacting

Pinkarsedfly · 26/08/2019 02:01

I don’t think OP is overreacting. I could visualise the gesture immediately because my dad used to do it when I was a kid.

The message is ‘I’m punching my hand to show you what I’d really like to do to your face.’

It’s a horrible, passive-aggressive thing to do and I wouldn’t put up with it.

SadOtter · 26/08/2019 02:13

Were you out doing something fun? or out somewhere he might get wound up?

Only ask coz it was fucking hot where I am and I went out school shopping today, pretty sure the heat plus bank holiday made people into idiots, could it have been something like that? he cant remember what you had said so it sounds more like the straw that broke the camels back than him actually being cross with you, plus it is out of character so probably a combination of things.

Derbee · 26/08/2019 03:43

If this is real, you are ridiculous. You sound like very hard work

recrudescence · 26/08/2019 06:30

Sometimes you just have to let things go. I think that this is one of those times.

AmIThough · 26/08/2019 06:35

If he's found a way to vent his anger and not hurt anyone, it's ok, I don't understand why you're so upset.

I think you need to find out what upset him though.

Cheeserton · 26/08/2019 09:28

The message is ‘I’m punching my hand to show you what I’d really like to do to your face.’

Started off as slapping back of hand into the other. Very different.

It’s a horrible, passive-aggressive thing to do and I wouldn’t put up with it.

If an actual punching gesture then there's nothing remotely passive about that aggression, it's just actual aggression.

Blondebakingmumma · 27/08/2019 02:26

If he was punching his own hand then I would be concerned that he has used this aggressive act to shut you up and then stormed off so he doesn’t have to explain himself. This doesn’t sound like something nice to do to a loved one.

VladmirsPoutine · 27/08/2019 02:54

Doesn't signal slapping someone. Back of one hand into palm of the other is a violent signal. That said if you've been together 15 years then talk about it.

VladmirsPoutine · 27/08/2019 02:54

I mean it *does signal slapping someone.

AllBellsNoWhistles · 27/08/2019 03:14

I sometimes kick a door or a wall in frustration or temper.
I would really like to be kicking my husband / dog / colleagues.
However, I kick a door / wall instead.
That saves me getting divorced / arrested / sacked.
That's all your husband was doing OP. I wouldn't pay it any attention.

Ornery · 27/08/2019 03:20

Like slapping the back of one hand into the palm of the other as you are talking, for emphasis? To emphasize the strength of your opinion? Like, to underline it, like a visual representation of the stupid hand clapping emoji that gets used in between every word to emphasize tweets? (Not an actual hand clap, but one hand moving against a still other, used in the same way)
Yeah I do that. Very occasionally. It isn’t aggressive. It’s just slapping the back of one hand into the palm of the other to emphasize what I’m saying.
If I only have one hand free I dangle it like a claw and tap things repeatedly with my fingers/ thumb for emphasis as I’m talking. My friends laugh at me because when I start making these gestures they know I 👏🏻 really 👏🏻 mean 👏🏻 whatever 👏🏻I’m 👏🏻 Saying. And sometimes the dangle their claw and bang a book to take the piss out of me.
If it’s the back hand slap into the palm that I use, it’s for emphasis, not aggression. And if dh took it upon himself to take exception to it, I’d think he’d lost his mind.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 27/08/2019 03:50

So in your OP it was hitting together the back of his hands and now it is punching a palm? That makes no sense

GiveMeHope103 · 27/08/2019 04:33

I've done this previously op when I was frustrated and wanted to signal everyone to hurry up.

Sarcelle · 27/08/2019 05:19

It immediately read it as the OP's DH was visualising his wife's face when he was doing it. That he really wanted to slap her rather than his hand. But I grew up with an abusive father so that has skewed my thinking somewhat.

QueenofmyPrinces · 27/08/2019 05:39

I have absolutely no idea what this gesture looks like??

I don’t understand?!

A previous poster said, “like a seal?” and it made me laugh as that’s what I’m imagining too!

Surely isn’t slapping the backs of ones hands together the same as clapping?

I think someone who does understand the gesture should draw a little diagram of it, screen shot it with your phone and then attach it to a message on here so I can be educated

But on a serious note, as has been said OP, talk to him about his reaction if it’s worrying you this much. I hope everything turns out to be ok

Namaste6 · 27/08/2019 06:07

I think he was attempting a frustrated gesture. Slapping his own hands together to avoid slapping anything else. I would look at my own behaviour first OP.

Sarcelle · 27/08/2019 06:59

If I was frustrated it never crosses my mind to slap somebody else. Not sure it's the OP's behaviour that needs looking at.

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