To not want to be the nice one anymore ?

[MrsNotNice]

NC for this.

I have been known in my close family circle and friends as the nice peacemaker for all my life. I have been just raised as a chronic people pleaser and it just used to scare me to be the reason behind someone’s upset, even if they’re not justified. I never examined my life philosophy because I used to get all my motivation in life from having people around me happy with me. And I had loads of friends and was popular..

However was deeply deeply sad because the things I had to endure in order to maintain that source of affection from others, was unspeakable. I convinced myself I was privileged to have that many people like me, and that sometimes you have to compromise to get what I have.

The abuse I tolerated and rudeness now shocks me when I look back. I only started to examine things from an external perspective when I decided to “reparent” myself. And look at it from a point of view of whether I would advise my daughter to go on that same path. (Don’t have one yet)

And that’s when my feelings of rage resurfaced.. ancient buried tears. Flashes of occasions when I felt vulnerable and helpless, when I saw it as something my daughters could be feeling and how much she needed someone around her to step up - I went into full rage mode...

I somehow don’t value myself but was able to value those feelings when I projected it as a possibility on my future daughter.

It made me feel like those around me who I thought loved me have only loved what I was offering them. Unconditional support and building their happiness at my expense, no boundaries and someone to lean on and vent on when they need a discrete punching bag.

It made me realise that what I interpreted as love as a child, wasn’t really love.. because I know I feel love for a child, I would feel love for my daughter.. and that would translate to fiercely protecting her and making sure she knows I’m there when she is broken.. that I wouldn’t let her down the same way I was.

And this revelation has made me quite shocked.. to a point I’m no longer recognising myself. With the amount of inner anger I’m allowing to resurface.

I was a peacemaker. I thought I treat people the same way I “like” to be treated. And what I “liked” was to have someone there for me, when I really needed it and was at my most vulnerable and weakest state.. and so I decided I’m gonna be there for everyone just like what I deep down wanted.. I felt guilty if I said no to someone who seemed desperate because I recognized that desperation.. I even never said no to anything because I just didn’t want them to think they can’t rely on me to make them happy, don’t want anyone to feel what I felt, that I have no one to rely on.

But as I got older, I realised that it is those very people that I went out of my way for, that never understood why they needed to be there for me. I’m fact, when I was at my most vulnerable, they discarded me and found ways to blame me so they don’t have to deal with the guilt of not reciprocating.

Not one friend. Not one relative.. almost, everyone...

Im sat wondering whether it’s something wrong with me. When everyone turns their back on u. I allowed myself to be abused because I thought if they’re all against me then it must be me..

Until I woke up.. and realised that there’s nothing I could’ve done to deserve this. Not as a child. Not as an adult..

I’m picking myself up., I’m learning to put boundaries.. I’m learning to say no... and I’m letting my past abuse dictate to me who is worth keeping in my life and who I will stare in the face and let them know they mean nothing to me..

But it’s hard. Because that was my world. I’m scared of the future. I’m scared of the backlash. I’m scared of how I’m losing everyone at once...

Im still scared of hurting everyone else’s feelings, but there is a little voice in me that says, “dear daughter, you don’t owe anyone to hurt yourself just to make them feel better”.

I’ve harboured so many co dependant relationships in my life. Almost 75% of them I’m looking at and realising they’re codependent. Where I let people know they’re entitled to take everything from me and not give.. and that I don’t mind being the source of their happiness and not have anything reciprocated.

It is no wonder I had so many people like to be with me.. when I’m strong

But they were the first to look out for their own selves when I was at my weakest.

I’m so resentful and have shut down my emotions with regards to caring about how looking after myself make others feel.

I’ve onlt started putting up normal boundaries. Saying I don’t have time as have responsibilities. Saying I can’t discuss personal things because I prefer keeping it private. Saying I’m not the best person to solve their problems and they can seek a therapist.

But it seems I’m no longer valuable to those around me when I value myself.. because they’re feeling sorry for themselves and my entire circle of friends and family are looking at me as someone who is mentally unwell...

But I’m at the stage where im desperate to find myself, and I don’t define myself by the opinions or feelings of others.

But I’m scared.

Thanks for reading

Thank you OP X

Sigh... how do you respond to an apology from a person who:

1- ruined you for months and kept trying everything on the sun to get you to back down through emotional manipulation

2- you know they can’t and won’t easily change because that’s been their attitude for a lifetime.. it’s just that you have enforced boundaries which made it hard for them to continue but you aren’t sure your boundaries are clear and solid enough to let them close yet

3- you know they’re expecting you to accept the apology because they need something from you and that was the only motivation

I don’t want to completely shut the doors, this person does mean a lot to me but equally has hurt me so badly for the last couple of months and has been he cause of my distress.

I don’t want to yet lose control of my boundaries in the relationship and I can’t alrwady see myself thinking “if I don’t give them what they want after the apology they’re going to do something irreversible and throw a tantrum and the misunderstanding to be exaggerated”.

I don’t want the misunderstanding to grow. I’ve been keeping my distance. They don’t like my distance. They want me to break the ice. I’m really not feeling ready but I also don’t want to cause drama and Make things worse..

I don’t know how to accept the apology without backing down and without causing drama

Hard to tell not knowing exactly what the context is. But I would say: apology accepted. Then if they ask fot something, I would just go: no, that doesn’t work for me. No justification, no explanation, just: no, that doesn’t work for me.

I received a message which I’m still unable to open. I feel a great sense of anxiety.

The first line says “I’m sorry..” and can’t read the rest.

I’m scared to open it and feel consumed with guilt having to go back to where I was.. I really invested so much emotion in this process..

Secondly, It’s not just guilt, it’s the fear of them expecting it now since they think they did the right thing. But too little too late they already destroyed so much of me... I’m just still broken and not ready to move forward. But they don’t recognise that..

SeaSidePebbles ur advice seem to the point and achievable. I need to get over the fear of disappointing someone still. Especially when they displayed fantastic ability to destroy me when I do.

Argh

I’m also feeling not too ready to completely let go of hope.. the moment of truth has come.

My hope was after I develop some form boundaries I will feel healthy enough to face them and their issues and we might be able to have a better relationship.

But since they have come now prematurely for answers... I feel I have to decide what’s best for me now... which might make it impossible to reverse the situation when I feel ready..

I’m still not sure what to do with my false hope of im honest. Still in grievance mode and so haven’t addressed it fully. Haven’t moved on from it...

But I don’t want to go backwards and I don’t trust anyone or anything anymore

Mrs, I have an abusive exH who takes great delight in sending me the most horrific emails. It’s always hard to open them, but I have to, because the last line of his emails always has something to do with our DD (pick up, change of plans etc).
I now open them when I’m good and ready. I leave it there till I’m in a good place, I don’t even think about them looming in my inbox anymore.
I check them just to make sure DD is really going to his and not wandering randomly around town.
I’ve never replied to his rants, completely ignored them. He’s slowing down now 😂.

SeaSidePebbles

That takes a lot of resilience.

I read the email. It was a sincere apology with no blame shifting and blaming. It wasn’t taking responsibility for specific things I confronted about but it was acknowledging my feelings and their shortcomings. Which is a big step forward.

However I don’t know how to respond. Because this apology gives me so much hope , and last time I was hopeful I ended up hurt.

I think today I learnt that it’s not scary to be kind while maintaining some emotional independence and boundaries..

And that when someone hands me their emotions I can hand it back to them politely and not lose control of my voice in the process.

When someone tries to guilt me and accuse me and provoke me and dismiss me, I can kindly hand things back to them by asking them about their feelings and showing understanding and validating... however politely declining them imposing those emotions on me...

And still maintaining my stance...

OP, I’ll second what @SeaSidePebbles said. Accept apology but it doesn’t give your relative carte blanche to start taking advantage of you again.
If you’re put on the spot don’t panic, the safest answer is “I’ll think about it and come back to you”. If they keep going on and on “ I said I’ll think about it” or change the subject
It takes a lot of time to switch your brain from automatically agreeing to everything to “I’ll consider it”.
Sometimes you encounter very pushy people that will keep pushing your buttons.

I read the email. It was a sincere apology with no blame shifting and blaming. It wasn’t taking responsibility for specific things I confronted about but it was acknowledging my feelings and their shortcomings. Which is a big step forward.

Could it be that they are saying what they think you want to hear, for their own gains?

GoldenFlaps

I do worry about that because it’s precisley what I needed to hear all my life and how come they suddenly developed the intelligence to realise how to be sensitive to my feelings..

It will hurt really badly if it turns out they’re just messing me around.

That’s why I don’t want to get sucked in I want to be gradual

It could be that whatever you've said to them has made them realise things from your point of view but it could also be that a leopard doesn't change its spots. Just take your time and do things at your own pace and hopefully you will see which it is without any more hurt

Placemark

I think we fall into a pattern of behaviour especially in a family in the way we relate to each other. But it is a self fulfilling prophecy that turns you into how you are perceived.
I have had problems like this in my family where I am always the nice/happy child so family would focus on my more difficult sibling.
The result is a very selfish sister, and parents who can't deal with any problems I have or accept I need help. If I am not the 'happy one' they get upset with me which makes me feel worse. An example was when I had a miscarriage (15 years ago) and I got criticized for being unhappy and making everyone feel miserable. I couldn't cope with their behaviour and kept away which they perceived as me being moody and difficult. So not only had I miscarried but I also lost family when I needed them. I was the one to make up, which set a pattern of me being the peacemaker and family treating me how they wanted and saying what they want as they know I turn the other cheek, and try to resolve things.
For me things have reached a head. My family behaviour in front of my DH family at a recent get together was dreadful and the way they spoke to me was upsetting. When I told them how unhappy I was they wrote to me telling me they would keep out of my life + my children's life. They know they can behave like this as I will make it up to them. But after much heart ache I have decided to take them at their word and not get in contact. I feel a sense of relief at not dealing with them, but also a sense of loss at not having a normal family. I see grandparents at the park or mums + daughters out with the baby at a shopping centre and I feel grief that I have never had a normal relationship with my family.
The reason I replied is to let you know you are not alone feeling like this, but what particularly resonated was taking about what you would advise your daughter. I have 3 children and my wake up call was not wanting them to see this treatment of me is ok.

FlannelandPuce

This sounds so hurtful. I could’ve written EVERYTHING in your post myself. Freaky!

GoldenFlaps definately true ! I just need to figure out a way to communicate my needs and feelings in a way that doesn’t exaggerate the situation for me.

billy1966 welcome!

It’s just that they smeared my reputation amongst everyone close to me. They went to people that harmed me to get them to further sabotage my life... tried their best to harm me in childish ways very aggressively..

Isolated me and stopped people I dearly love from being able to reach out to me....

And now they’re apologising... but not for what they did. For the initial misunderstanding which could’ve been resolved by talking instead of all this sabotage..

And I’m almost sure, they won’t tell all those people that they apologised and that they were wrong.

I feel I need to rebuild my social life.. I need to protect myself from all the rumours..I need to put the past in the past...

But I’ve paid a heavy price for THEIR bad behaviour.. they’re not fixing it. They’re just giving me words.

If I put a condition and say “you need to tell all those people you were wrong about me”... I doubt it will go down well...

But this was the first time I ever get acknowledged or get an apology.. I feel like I’m clinging onto small hope of change ...

But truth is, is it really enough after all this damage? It’s a small step forward but they’ve made the journey of earning my trust sooo long that even with massive leaps it’s not that easy for me

I feel like I deserved to have my feelings acknowledged willingly. My efforts in the relationship appreciated willingly..

Not me having to withdraw and put up a fight to respect my own needs and feelings and emotions, avoid tonnes of emotional blackmail and guilt trips, over form obstacles and hurdles...

To earn what’s my basic basic right of being mildly respected :S.

But I can’t deny it’s better than not having received an appology at all.

But why is the standard so low ?!

mrs, you can’t control other people’s actions. Not in the long run, anyway. You can only control yours.
Yes, it is unfair, you have been wronged. You got them to acknowlegde your feelings. They apologised. You want them to do the right thing and repair the damage they’ve done. Absolutely fair enough.

The trouble is: that’s not how it works.
For a variety of reasons.
Might be because they don’t think they’ve done anything wrong. Genuinely.
They react, they don’t respond.
They are wired wrong.
They lack awareness.
They want you where they got you.
They want you to be the one to blame.
Etc etc etc.

You simply cannot fix them. You simply cannot make them fix what they’ve ruined. They have to do it themselves, unprompted.

You’re standing here crying at the injustice of it all and fearful you’re offering a hand they might chop off.

You’re shouting: the ball is in your court, ffs, do the right thing.
And it’s tearing you apart.

Bon.

On the other side, there’s you.

You’re looking at the damage and it true codependent fashion, you go: is it me? Why me? Why can’t they just love me? Why can’t they just see the damage they’re doing? You’re done with people pleasing, you’re done with taking the rap for others. You’re scared that if you let them in again, they’ll come in with heavy muddy boots again.

It’s not something you can orchestrate. It’s not a dinner party where you are the gracious hostess and they are your guests and act as good guests, praising your efforts and enjoying the atmosphere you created, the food and the company.

What you can do, though, is detach and see it through an outsider’s pair of eyes.
As if you were watching come dine with me.
Observe the thoughts, observe the feelings there and then, in the moment. Projecting, imagining scenarios just adds to the chaos. Find the stillness, the peace in you. Basically, clear your head.

We are social animals. We do want to get on. The expectations and the reality of it all are sometimes two different things.

Don’t give them the power. They apologised, leave it at that. Busy yourself with loving yourself, with self care. Look, if you’re hungry, you’re hardly in the mindframe to sit and chat. For one, you can’t think straight. Go eat first, and then chat. If you’re hurting inside, don’t invite them in to poke at the wound. Yes, they caused the wound, but if they’re that ignorant, they’re not really going to come and heal it, are they? They’re going to want and come and poke at it: is this it? Is this the wound? How deep do you say it is? And how much does it hurt? We didn’t do that, we don‘t have knives like that.

You’re pregnant. You want everything to be perfect for when the baby arrives. The baby will have no interest in anybody but you. The baby will be oblivious for a long time to family dynamics. Becoming a mother changes you. One of a sudden, the baby is the centre of the universe and you don’t have time of inclination to worry about much else. Having my DD changed all my equations. Raising a tiny human versus family shit. Well, that’s an easy choice.

You have the baby and you think: how could anybody harm their own child?!!! Just how?!!! And yet they do. We all do. We make mistakes, we’re human.

SeaSidePebbles

Oh my god. Are you a therapist?? Your words are so deep and experienced. I have read this three times and still learning every time I read.

You are right.. this is so hard to apply but you are right this should totally be my focus.

I guess the hardest part is the “expectation” after an appology for things to move forward fast. I do need to do things at my own pace so I don’t invite people to poke at my wound when they’re completely oblivious. And I do need to find my inner peace so I don’t expect what’s not meant to be and be hurt further.

I shall be reading your advice until I move forward from this.

From expecting others to behave better so I don’t get hurt to actually just realising I need to treat myself better around them so their behaviour doesn’t cut me deep.

It’s sometimes hard to accept some people won’t need ever change but o guess it’s part of maturity to understand that people do things at their own pace too.. sigh

No, I’m not a therapist. I’m just a middle aged woman who has been round the block once or twice. I’m only sharing my experience. I do not come from a good place. I’m scarred and weathered. My DD is the best thing that has ever happened to me, she is the pivot that turned all the tables.
I went to counselling last year because I realised my best friends will soon have enough of me talking through things. I went and told my counsellor I have no idea how she could help me, but I need some tools to deal with all the shit thrown at me, because I don’t want to be in my 50-60-70 all alone and bitter.

SeaSidePebbles

Thanks a lot. That makes sense and resonates with me.

I managed to call in and book a counselling session at the encouragement of DH who wants to go couple therapy with me. Quite nervous.. but I feel better as otherwise we were both stuck in the same rot.. people telling us what how to live our lives and so on. I’m scared to go counselling alone but I’m glad this will start me into a healthy path. And it might become something I’m not scared of in future.

How shall I plan for the counselling session ? Where do I start talking ??

Also because DH is there I don’t wanna overwhelm him.

I learnt today that the reason I feel soo vulnerable to open up is because I have a tendency to overshade when I do speak and it ends up sending me into anxiety when I can’t anticipate what the person will do with the information because I hadn’t given that person enough time to earn my trust and instead decided to base everything on my gut.

I’m learning that humans are capable of good and bad even if they’re overall nice.. and that different humans can either empower or bring out the worst in each other and the best way to decide which one it is, is to give things time and thought and analyse gradually.

I’m definately not capable of healthy relationships without acknowledging my own flaws based on weird upbringing issues. I’m so embarsssed looking deep at my flaws and realizing how I must’ve come across while trying to be nice.. but I’m
Happy that I’m reaching a stage where I’m
Able to accept myself and my own flaws and realise, I too am human and can work on it

Weird day today. I decided to lower my guards a little to see where the appology will lead to.

I certainly can see that there is no real change to the other person but that I’m a different human being now. I’m able to view things from an emotionaly non invested place. Able to see things for what they are and try not to take r personal.

Able to acknowledge my own feelings when the situation arises and instead of being angry, validating my own feelings and thoughts and realising it’s not worth the negative energy and just walking away.

It still makes me sad though to be constantly confronted by the grief of reality being so different from expectations..

And it’s for that reason I will be gentle on myself and not lower the guards further and stay in control of when I let people in or out based on my emotional well being and resilience at any given time.

I at least can tell myself that I’m not wrong to feel the way I feel. And that means the world to me..

That the other person isn’t going to change and that it’s up to me how far I take a relationship with them.

Acceptance is not the same with being a doormat.
Acceptance is recognising that you cannot change the other person. Detatch with love. Let them be in their bubble, walk past.
Saying: I’m very busy with other stuff, nothing personal, I think it’s an acceptable thing to do.
If they press on, ignore messages etc. When you’re in a good place, chat a little about the news or the weather or the latest movie. When it gets to a territory you don’t want to be in, remember you ‘need to take the dog out’, ‘start dinner’, your bath is ready etc.