To not want to be the nice one anymore ?

[MrsNotNice]

NC for this.

I have been known in my close family circle and friends as the nice peacemaker for all my life. I have been just raised as a chronic people pleaser and it just used to scare me to be the reason behind someone’s upset, even if they’re not justified. I never examined my life philosophy because I used to get all my motivation in life from having people around me happy with me. And I had loads of friends and was popular..

However was deeply deeply sad because the things I had to endure in order to maintain that source of affection from others, was unspeakable. I convinced myself I was privileged to have that many people like me, and that sometimes you have to compromise to get what I have.

The abuse I tolerated and rudeness now shocks me when I look back. I only started to examine things from an external perspective when I decided to “reparent” myself. And look at it from a point of view of whether I would advise my daughter to go on that same path. (Don’t have one yet)

And that’s when my feelings of rage resurfaced.. ancient buried tears. Flashes of occasions when I felt vulnerable and helpless, when I saw it as something my daughters could be feeling and how much she needed someone around her to step up - I went into full rage mode...

I somehow don’t value myself but was able to value those feelings when I projected it as a possibility on my future daughter.

It made me feel like those around me who I thought loved me have only loved what I was offering them. Unconditional support and building their happiness at my expense, no boundaries and someone to lean on and vent on when they need a discrete punching bag.

It made me realise that what I interpreted as love as a child, wasn’t really love.. because I know I feel love for a child, I would feel love for my daughter.. and that would translate to fiercely protecting her and making sure she knows I’m there when she is broken.. that I wouldn’t let her down the same way I was.

And this revelation has made me quite shocked.. to a point I’m no longer recognising myself. With the amount of inner anger I’m allowing to resurface.

I was a peacemaker. I thought I treat people the same way I “like” to be treated. And what I “liked” was to have someone there for me, when I really needed it and was at my most vulnerable and weakest state.. and so I decided I’m gonna be there for everyone just like what I deep down wanted.. I felt guilty if I said no to someone who seemed desperate because I recognized that desperation.. I even never said no to anything because I just didn’t want them to think they can’t rely on me to make them happy, don’t want anyone to feel what I felt, that I have no one to rely on.

But as I got older, I realised that it is those very people that I went out of my way for, that never understood why they needed to be there for me. I’m fact, when I was at my most vulnerable, they discarded me and found ways to blame me so they don’t have to deal with the guilt of not reciprocating.

Not one friend. Not one relative.. almost, everyone...

Im sat wondering whether it’s something wrong with me. When everyone turns their back on u. I allowed myself to be abused because I thought if they’re all against me then it must be me..

Until I woke up.. and realised that there’s nothing I could’ve done to deserve this. Not as a child. Not as an adult..

I’m picking myself up., I’m learning to put boundaries.. I’m learning to say no... and I’m letting my past abuse dictate to me who is worth keeping in my life and who I will stare in the face and let them know they mean nothing to me..

But it’s hard. Because that was my world. I’m scared of the future. I’m scared of the backlash. I’m scared of how I’m losing everyone at once...

Im still scared of hurting everyone else’s feelings, but there is a little voice in me that says, “dear daughter, you don’t owe anyone to hurt yourself just to make them feel better”.

I’ve harboured so many co dependant relationships in my life. Almost 75% of them I’m looking at and realising they’re codependent. Where I let people know they’re entitled to take everything from me and not give.. and that I don’t mind being the source of their happiness and not have anything reciprocated.

It is no wonder I had so many people like to be with me.. when I’m strong

But they were the first to look out for their own selves when I was at my weakest.

I’m so resentful and have shut down my emotions with regards to caring about how looking after myself make others feel.

I’ve onlt started putting up normal boundaries. Saying I don’t have time as have responsibilities. Saying I can’t discuss personal things because I prefer keeping it private. Saying I’m not the best person to solve their problems and they can seek a therapist.

But it seems I’m no longer valuable to those around me when I value myself.. because they’re feeling sorry for themselves and my entire circle of friends and family are looking at me as someone who is mentally unwell...

But I’m at the stage where im desperate to find myself, and I don’t define myself by the opinions or feelings of others.

But I’m scared.

Thanks for reading

Keep on working through all of this. I know I went through enormous rage when I started allowing myself to do so, but it passed, and I was able to let go of stuff voluntarily rather than because I felt I ought to. You sound like you're working very hard, and you're determined to find yourself. Be kind to yourself in the process.

Yanbu op. In fact, I have learned over the years that less is more when it comes to friendships. But then im a bit of a hermit!

OP, as usual, your posts are amazingly eloquent and I find myself reading and going: yes, that’s what I mean!
My pattern has been very similar to yours, people pleasing and a chronic lack of ability to name/recognise my emotions, let alone what to do with them. I was either ‘angry’ or ‘alright’. The things that gave me peace, nourished and let me grow were moments snatched here and there.
Is empathy the same as ‘emotional wellbeing’? As in: love and belonging which in turn supports the self esteem?
I’m at that point, not really sure how to love, not really sure where I belong. Intrinsically, I love myself, I look after myself. When it comes to receiving it from an outside source, it’s not that I don’t want it or that I unconsciously reject it. I literally haven’t got the language, the skills to deal with it. It’s ok if it’s on a superficial level.
I’m off on a run and then I’m going for a swim whilst I contemplate all that. Hope you’re having a good day, you were up quite late last night :)

Good for you. You’re doing a wonderful and healthy thing.

I’m scared of how I’m losing everyone at once. But what exactly is it you’re losing? You’re losing burdens. If someone decides they no longer want to be around you because you’re not willing to let them treat you badly anymore, you have not lost anything worth keeping. Think of them as rocks. And as they drop off one by one, you’ll find it easier to walk and to move through life.

I have learned over the years that less is more when it comes to friendships

That’s so true. I guess my definition of what’s important in a relationship is changing altogether. I’m able to realise that being enriching is an important criteria. I can have many acquaintances but friendship needs to be enriching. My popularity was probably due to my lack of filtering. It’s interesting to know how our own behaviors lead us down toxic routed too sometimes. I guess us humans are product of our circumstances until we are truly conscious of their effect on us and start taking control.. control I must take !

I’m at that point, not really sure how to love, not really sure where I belong. Intrinsically, I love myself, I look after myself. When it comes to receiving it from an outside source, it’s not that I don’t want it or that I unconsciously reject it.

This is very deep. I wonder how you are working through that. I am at the stage where I’ve completely lost trust in my own emotions too and almost shut down to protect myself. I’m telling myself this is transitional until I work out my boundaries and get myself out of this mess. It seems our journeys are quite similar. Hope your swimming went well!

Think of them as rocks. And as they drop off one by one, you’ll find it easier to walk and to move through life.

This is such a wonderful way to change my perception of the situation. You are totally right. I really need to reframe my think f into positive interpretations of what’s happening. It’s a lot more empowering. I guess along the journey I will rediscover relationships that are worth having and it will make me see the difference- hopefully!

I wonder how everyone on here is getting on. I’m definately moving forward in my journey. It’s very slow. Very messy.. very tedious.. draining...

But weirdly enriching.

Today I was impressed with the sound of my own voice.. I was sent a message from someone I love very dearly who has been treating me like s doormat through someone I also respect very much who just thinks I need to continue to be s doormat to keep the peace...

They informed me that I need to keep the peace and be back to how I was.. excuse bad behaviour and put the past in the past and pretend nothing happened. There was no acknowledgement Of what I was put through and no reassurance that things will be different, and no concern for my well being.. all that mattered is the other person gets excused and life continues as it is and I go back to being myself - an enabling doormat.

And truth is I was impressed about something very simple..

I was able to speak, my true feelings. Not hide behind trying to be polite and nice..

And while I spoke my true feelings I did not have suppressed anger.. did not turn aggressive and remained empathetic..

Well it wasn’t perfect. I did get emotional and i did get defensive.. I did feel I lost control somewhere with the conversation but I won’t penalise myself for that.. because I made huge progress...

I spoke without having said words I regret.. and I did not put myself in any vulnerable position.

I said, I wish things were better, and wish the other person the very best..but that I am a human who is limited by the fact I cannot be disrespected and continue to feel normal about things. I have feelings too.. and that until these feelings are recognised I do not feel responsible for anyone else dumping theirs at me..

I said I’m not ready to have this conversation until the other person reflects on their behavior..

I kept getting emotionally guilt tripped about how the other person is desperate and feeling sad...

And I managed to not get sucked in.. I said this is all very nice but that actions speak louder and if they’re very sad about the situation I would be able to see results in how they respect my need for boundaries... and that they will be able to see me as a human just like how they are.

I then realised I had more FOG tactics used on me...

I was told I’m supposed to be the bigger person because I’m this and I’m that... and I said No, I have other obligations and this is not one of them.

And finally Fear was used against me as a stick.. and I realised I subconsciously became better at this... because I’m at peace with myself.. I was threatened and threatened and I was frightened but it did not make me want to give in whatsoever..

Part of it is that I cherish the journey that has brought me here... the mess I went through... the emotional drain and mental energy... that I’m not willing to let simple emotions make me back track from respecting who I am now...

And I realised that... while I was compassionate and always there for others and going out of my way to help out when they needed me... but it’s ok to be empathetic from afar and let words do the talking when my actions are limited..

It’s ok for me to just acknowledge the other person is going through a hard time... and let them know that I understand and excuse them...

But that it’s not within my capacity to help them in anyway.. and that they should help themselves. And that no amount of manipulation is going to change my circumstances and so I cannot go above and beyond and be their martyr at their own request.

I think I had my empathy and compassion all muddled up. Now I understand that empathy is acknowledging other people’s feelings and having concern for their wellbeing, even if it doesn’t make sense and doesn’t relate to us.. but compassion is doing something about it...

Well when something doesn’t make sense to me I don’t need to do something about it. I don’t owe anyone to support their interpretations of life.

And I’m less hurt when people don’t feel they can support my interpretations either..

But if they don’t have any concern for my wellbeing and no respect for my feelings we also can’t have a working relationship based around empathy and support.. then they’re really just acquaintances not worth investing my emotional energy on and will let life decide how they cross paths with me without any energy from me..

I don’t know what’s the next stage for me in this journey.. I’m still not where I want to be 100 percent. But I’m happy that my anger and my rage is subsiding a little and I’m accepting that people can’t be expected to change just because I’m hurt, but I have control over whether my relationship with them changes.. and that makes me feel less overwhelmed and less angry. Being out of control and feeling emotionally vulnerable is what triggered my anger..

I’m beginning to trust myself a bit. Because I can speak from my heart without being scared of hurting others.. because I no longer feel responsible for other people’s reactions when I’m being fair and reasonable.

I hope I develop better clear communication so I can do myself more justice.

Thank you all lovely ladies for joining my journey. I wonder how far along you are ?

And parts of the reason my speech and communication is improving and I’m
Able to stay in touch with my own emotions instead of worry about the person speaking to me while I’m talking...

Is because I manage to invest this time validating my own feelings.. riding on the wave of rage, sorrow, disappointment.. dealing with it as an adult and trying to not let them control me.. realising that it’s ok that I’m sad and I don’t need to pretend I’m not.. but that it’s ok I can work through it on my own.

I gave permission to my heart to be alive... to have my brain acknowledge what it’s feeling... and what it did feel once before...

So my brain was able to offer the words. To speak up. And my heart didn’t need to rebel any longer.. and be set free.

I feel so much better. My anxiety and panick attacks are fading away. I’m in a much happier place..

But I won’t deny, I’m still a bit hopeful and sad. I wish things were different. But it’s ok that I feel this way.. I don’t need to do something about it, other than be my own friend and acknowledge it..

And slowly figure out whether I can do something about it or whether I should just accept it as obstacles of life..

Finding this thread very helpful. I wish I could write as well as some of you!

Mrs, I started small, by allowing DP to love me, even though with his love, hurt and dissapointment also comes.
Before, I would have gone: ‘that’s it!! That does it! I don’t want to hear it, he must have done it on purpose to mess with my head’. These days I know he doesn’t mess up on purpose. Miscommunication is usually the main culprit. So I found the courage to wait a bit and then ask: what did you mean by that? And 9 out of 10 times is either my perception of things (if you look at stuff through a trauma lens it’s not good, put it that way) or me putting an uncoscious guard up. Or it’s him thinking in a totally different way from me, without malice, just different.

So I resolved to put my trust in him whilst maintaining total independence 😂.

Little things like: can I have a lift? I have a whole internal battle before I ask. From I’m not worth it, to: he’s going to think I’m a wet blanket. I first had to give him ‘unnecessary’ lifts, to be comfortable with him thinking it is the done thing. And then I asked for a lift, but I found myself justifying too much, he told me it’s okay, he’s coming, not a problem.
That took a looooong time to crack.
But I’m learning, every day :)

SeaSidePebbles oh seaside you sound way ahead not his journey than I am. I’m still working out my vulnerabilities and where to draw the line in the sand and pushing people behind that line.

And then I will have to work out who to let in. I guess.. who is worth taking the risk and letting come close to my vulnerabilities.

It’s such a long long journey. I’ve instead of pushing everyone away, just alienated myself for now.

I wonder how long has it been since you started your journey and what did you learn on the way.

It sounds like you have concluded that love was making you vulnerable and so put so many guards up which sounds to me like a good thing. And it seems like your DH slowly earnt your trust which is also a great thing.

But I also understand what you mean about feeling like a burden when you need to ask for small favours which naturally should be fine. And giving many explanations.

I guess being taken advantage of for very long time makes you extra weary of how other people feel. But truth is I decided to only ask someone favors if they’re the type to say no if it doesn’t suit them. Otherwise only expect from them what they expect from me.

But yes it’s a horrible thing to wonder about our self worth day in and day out for small things. It’s a pattern we must’ve carried with us when we had our needs dismissed as unimportant and carried the guilt of not meeting other people’s needs isn’t it. At least for me it is..

I carried great shame in asking for my basic rights even in employment. It felt like I was selfish and needy and entitled... and truth is, I was just so damn scared of being rejected that I got used to rejecting my own self.

We will get there soon won’t we

*way ahead in this journey

Hi,
I am so impressed by your post. I'm intrigued what age you are? Because it's so wise and such a valuable lesson to have taught yourself. It took me until I was mid fifties to understand this. I kept wondering why no one treated me the way I treated them. Then realised (after five decades) they were too busy treating themselves well and taking what they needed from me to even notice me. So I stopped. I'm even, gradually, trying to stop being a doormat mother because I was neglected as a child, physically and emotionally, and was so terrified my own DC would ever feel that way that I went overboard with attention and am belatedly realising that it did them no favours.
You sound really brave and mature and wise. What will happen is that you will make a new type of friend. The kind that isn't an emotional vampire. And you may find some family members come round and accept the new you. And others will huff forever in which case, let them.

what happened in the past was purely because I didn’t put boundaries and that all I need now is to clarify my boundaries and then my abusers would behave themselves.

No, sweetheart.

You are not responsible for how other people choose to conduct themselves.

They are not going to start to "behave", no matter what you do, or feel.

The onl behaviour you can change is your own.
The only behaviour you are responsible for is your own.

You have had some brilliant amazing insights.
I beseech you to take them to therapy or counselling. You have a lot of issues to unpack, & deserve help while you do so. The issues are NOT your fault. Please keep walking forward on the path you have so clearly seen emerging from the fog of sublimating yourself to controlling, using relationships.

Use this time to get support & clarity from a professional.
You are doing wonderfully to make your potential/imaginary daughter the focus of how you want to be treated & how you can live. Funnily enough - this is a recognised technique in therapy, but you seem to have found it all on your own.

Take pride in yourself, & start living your life for you.

I come at this as the daughter of a chronic people-pleaser. If you struggle with conquering this for yourselves, then do it for your children. It was a miserable way to grow up. Because our mother considered us part of her, we lost out to the needs of literally anyone who made a claim on her.

Looking back, there was also an element of power play. Her self-esteem was so poor that she couldn’t conceive of someone just liking her, so she liked having people with problems who needed her. It gave her a role. She has no understanding of why she is now a very lonely woman in her 70s, with no friends, having cultivated a situation where literally all her relationships relied on her as ‘invisible’ helper/listener/ aid worker, and angry because no one paid her back in kind.

I could have wrote many of these posts.
Always seen as the kind, lovely, gentle one but dropped like a hot stone when I am no longer needed or useful emotionally.
Prime example is a friend who last year in April separated from her husband. She would text me daily dor support and need me there all the time. As soon as she met her new partner a couple of months after the separation I ceased to really exist. Now, she will take days getting back to me with a text as she has a partner and better more fun friends. It really hurts and I feel deeply used especially as I was very ill when I was helping them.
Same goes for another 'friend.' Only gets in touch when something bad happens to her or she is upset. She will then ignore me for months.
I have set boundaries with both but it does hurt that they saw me as nothing better than someone to use. I can't help but feel bitter and tossed away like rubbish. It's taught me about boundaries but the lasting effects are horrible. Nobody wants to feel like the second option, the last choice or the forgotten one. 😐

Op, my heart goes out to you but you have faced your situation and have realised you were being forced into a role by other people.
I was in your situation but for me it was the opposite. I was the bad guy.
From my username you can see I am a twin. From we were born we were put into boxes by our family. I was the lookerafter, strong, stubborn, bossy protector, my twin the helpless, gentle complier.
A year ago nearing a breakdown, it finally dawned on me that I didn’t much like the person I was forced to be. A hard nose huffy bitch. I was angry, sad, I felt cheated out of being forced to be someone I didn’t want to be.
I received a lot of helpful advice on here and from that day have decided to leave that person behind and live my life my way. I feel so much happier.
Families have a lot to answer for.
Decide the person you want to be now and live it.

@Paperlantern123 - your comment is so important. I think it’s very easy for people who are pleasers to martyr themselves, and take the “moral high ground” so to speak, because they truly believe that everything they do is for other people to the detriment of themselves. However, I don’t think they often stop and think that maybe other people DON’T want what they give.

I’ve been in a long term deep friendship (and occasionally it’s turned romantic) with someone who is a complete people pleaser. When she lets her guard down, we have a very strong creative connection and I enjoy being around her. But her compulsion to please erodes her personality and her individuality. She won’t make decisions, she won’t express an opinion, she will always default to me. And so she loses who she is.

We have fought bitterly a couple of times because of it, and she still doesn’t quite get why I get so angry. I see the potential in her, and I love and admire the real her, when she strips away the compulsion to please. But I don’t want to be around someone who copies me in thought pattern, speech pattern, likes and dislikes because they think that’s what I want them to be like.

It’s very, very difficult to be around someone like this for long periods of time. It’s exhausting always having to take the initiative, to make decisions, to lead the way. When I’ve called my friend on it and told her I want her to be who she is, she claims this people pleasing persona who she is. But I don’t believe a true personality is someone who gets lost in whoever she is spending time with, always defaulting to their whim.

It’s also hard to be around a people pleaser and not, on the outside, look like you are “using” them even though you don’t want to. When you’re the only one making any decisions, things will only ever happen because you’ve suggested them. Therefore it would, by default, always look like the other person is always getting their way and the people pleaser is just being dragged along.

I don’t think people pleasers realise the power they hold over the people they purport to be pleasing.

Only they aren’t pleasing them. They are pleasing themselves and think it should please the other person. The ultimate irony.

Good for you OP

mrs, I read a book by Brene Brown called Daring Greatly. She explains vulnerability really well in that book, try it, if you haven’t already.

I started all this about 3 years ago. The lightbulb moment for me was reading a book called The body keeps the score. It explains really well the link between mental trauma and physical manifestations as a result of those traumas.
I only picked it up because I was questioning the link between long term/chronic pain and mental health. We were having a disscution around the dinner table about the catch 22 people with chronic pain are in. And I just wanted to understand more. But that book hit me like a tonne of bricks, I recognised so many of my physical symptoms, and I have never linked them with my mental health.

So I started deconstructing the whole mess.

Been with DP about 3 years. It took quite a long time for us to get to where we are now. I’ve shut down for about 40 years though.

Hi!

Thanks to you all lovely ladies. I’m trying to process all your comments and look up all the recommendations.

I’m just feeling quite down today as im feeling torn. I’m angry at myself because I wish I knew the middle ground between caring about those I love and not having them expect me to completely have no feelings and needs in the process... I don’t know why I had left that impression on others I wish I just started my life right so that I can still care for those I love without having to make this bloody choice all the time. I feel so angry at myself because my decision today to care about my own feelings is costing me. I feel truly selfish but can’t see any other way.

milliefiori it is extremely brave to do this when older because you have a lot more years and perceptions to challenge and relationships to question. I can’t begin to imagine how hard it must be. I hope you stay strong and look after yourself. I’m 29 but have been suffering with serious depression over this topic since I was 19.

messolini9 ur right. And I really feel a professional will be helpful but I just feel not brave to let professionals into my personal life. I’m trying to work out why I feel this way and overcome it. It’s like I have no trust.

Frangible I’m expecting a daughter soon and your words are very hard to swallow but I really need them to ground me because that’s the reality.

IceAndASlice123 Nobody wants to feel like the second option, the last choice or the forgotten one. 😐. :(, and truth is I never wanted to make anyone feel this way.. because I know how it feels like to be treated like a negligible human being. But some people don’t notice what they’re doing until they feel it too!!

TwinsetsRus it is shocking how our families perception of us as children shape us as adults until we decide to take back control. Interesting they can also shape us to be the “bad guy”. It’s true kids should just be encouraged to be true to themselves!

I’m trying to find myself a new “label”. I’m fact I’ve been known as the “nice” one and “people pleaser”.. it was actually my label but also something that I “should” be. I’m trying to break out of that by finding myself a new freeing label to define my position in relationships and not conform to any conditioning in my head. Maybe “MrsGenuine” or “MrsTrueToHerself”.

I like the movie, can’t remember the name, where the caretaker tells the little girls “You is Kind, You is smart, You is important”. None of these place expectations of the girl to put others first.

Writersblock2 yours and paperlantern123 have given it from the other side and it’s really really hard to process. Trying to dig deep and understand what applies to me. And how to learn from it. I really do usually feel like the best way to not feel out of control is to realise that I might’ve contributed to the situation and that I can change that to change the situation. But with all the emotions involved it’s so hard to filter out what’s logical and what’s self-blame. Slowly unlocking those emotions.

SeaSidePebbles thank you soo much. These sound like fantastic reads. I will try my best to get my hands on these books and the others recommended. I wish there was like a book club for those of us who are doing self improvement, going from being nice/doormats to being true to ourselves.

Feeling absolutely shit at having some people who I decided to shut out absolutely grovel for my attention and validation.. I hate humiliating people like this... it’s not my intention..

I remember me desperate wanting them to care about me. To make me feel worthy. Asking them nicely and politely. Only for them to find every excuse under the sun to shift the blame and make me sound like a burden.

Now that I decided to move on with my life and care about myself and not wait for them, and to not waste my energy giving them the efforts they’re not willing to give me.... now they’re desperately begging for it to all come back... it’s hurtful to see them go through that... when it’s not my intention..

It makes me angry that they’re only capable to see that they are able to put the effort, and to prioritise me, when they realise I’m no longer available.. was it because my services were sooo expected that they took it all for granted?

Whatever it is, I just hate seeing someone humiliate themselves like this. I wish I can do this without subjecting anyone to such humiliation. They probably think im enjoying the attention. But truth is, I still have kindness in me that they didn’t have.. and I’m actually not enjoying this and it makes me fricking angry at myself..

But I’m equally angry at them. For having no live conscience until they realised they lost their priority status in my life and that place is now occupied by my own neglected needs.

Why can’t people just care about others and reciprocate without this drama.

I admit I wish I knew how to deal with this in a less dramatic fashion. I wish I could just tend to my own needs and respect my own feelings without many of those around me getting hurt..

I’m not intentionally hurting anyone.. I’m just not actively putting effort in protecting their feelings and that seems to be enough to do the damage.. because they’re relying on me to sort them out emotionally..

I wish I can maintain a respectful relationship where I can support so many of the peoole o had to drop, without losing myself in the process because of the techniques they picked up along the relationship which I enabled, making them fully in control of me and my life..

I did enable most of this.. but my intention was to be thoughtful.. and generous.. their intention was to be greedy and selfish..

I just didn’t know kindness doesn’t breed kindness. Or maybe I confused being too nice with kindness and plugged the wrong numbers in the formula. Niceness doesn’t breed niceness.

Furthermore,

I’ve identified why I feel soo anxious at even having a conversation with those who seem to realise just how much they suddenly value me when I decided to value myself..

It’s because I know the moment We go back to having some normal but distant relationship is the moment they will have expectations of me.

And the only expectation I was ever known by is MrsNice. It’s the role they want me to fulfill. Subconsciously it’s the only way they feel loved by me... it’s the only relationship they ever had with me..

And the moment I fall pure that role, everything will be taken personally. They will be angry and the drama will restart. Manipulative techniques and guilt trips as they desperately try to fulfill their perceived “need” of my attention.

It seems we live in a world where everyone is struggling to meet their needs. Emotional and physical.. and some of us meet those needs while stepping on the rights of others.

It is very wrong to live in a world like this and not have boundaries when you are the one who is “giving” and generous. Because there are many reasons why a taker could not know when to stop taking.. it could be conscious, it could be unconscious desperation ... it could be someone who had mastered the art of suppressing guilt by finding flaws in others and convincing themselves they’re entitled...

I guess it’s not all coming from a place of pure evil. Which is why I don’t want to feel angry and defensive. I just want to be caring but with limit. I want to stay true to my nature, be generous and kind, but with appropriate self preservation limits.

I am scared of falling back into that role of being MrsNice who fulfills the projected expectations out of fear from their sudden drama and hurt feelings when I don’t fall into the role.. Maybe I will be less scared if I knew how to manage and smooth out the drama.. maybe when I figure out how to have empathy I can shift the focus from it being a battle ground and a power struggle to it being about everyone dealing with their own negative emotions and taking back control. Peoole create drama and havoc when they feel out of control and chaotic.

But until when am I going to be the person giving out emotional support? Even when I need it? Until when am I going to take responsibility to be everyone’s parent? When I need reparenting myself??

Maybe it’s true that I am just too obsessed with being helpful because I find it easier than seeing someone struggle emotionally and dump that on me.. I find it easier to “help them” than to turn my back on them.

But I’m trying to convince myself that this is not right.. surely, it’s arrogant of me to assume Their emotional well-being relies on me?? Why am I making myself available when I know immhuman and am limited.

Surely the kindest thing to do is to realise my limits.. know that I can’t be everyone’s rock because I’m not a rock. I’m human that cracks.. and it’s to their advantage to learn to not lean on me and I’m fact lean on themselves...

And that I can be of support when I can be.. not when they “expect” me to be.

How do I unplug myself from this role that is “expected” of me without turning so mean. Why am I so scared of the drama when others feel let down when I don’t meet their expectations??

My lack of boundaries has given them the impression that I was an invincible human with no limits. No needs. No issues.. no feelings. That I was a rock they can lean on. No one needs to give back to a rock.

Perhaps I should’ve been honest about who I am.. I am human. Just like everyone.. perhaps not everyone is like me, not everyone is surrounded by people being so open about vulnerabilities that they realise vulnerabilities is part of human nature , everyone’s nature. Perhaps some peoole are sooo reserved about their life and shut out that they missed out on such interactions and have yet to understand that behind every smiling person is still a human who has feelings, behind every rock there is someone with vulnerabilities..

Perhaps some peoole just need to be told..

That I’m human with limits. I’m not a rock. And that they’ll be doing themselves a favour by leaning on something that’s more stable than my human nature.. and that I’ll be their support when my circumstances allow me, but that I can’t promise them anything..

And that we are equally human. On equal grounds. So when they are able to, they SHOULD be able to reassure me to be there for me too.. when possible. At some points..

Not as a role but purely for the fact that if they expecting me to be a “giving human” they should be willing to do that too.

That I respect they will have boundaries that reflect their vulnerabilities and limitations.. just like they respect mine..

Maybe my new role should be “the human”. Nothing altruistic.. just realistic.

I have been less than fair on myself. Expecting too much of myself.. beating myself up when I don’t meet such expectation..

And yet I’m shocked that others do the same to me.. because they didn’t accept it on themselves.

Why is my value for myself soo attached to how others perceive me compared to themselves.

If I, didn’t even have the correct understanding of myself and others.. I can hardly expect anyone else to.

I wonder why I’m unable to gain insight into myself unless I post it here? Why am I so needy of other people to help me on my journey and open up doors into MY soul. It’s mine so why should other people have the key to it?

I realised why.. I have a child inside me that’s just scared to venture into my own feelings because that’s not a place I have ever been.

I grew up as a severely neglected child. The only person that gave my feelings and needs any attention was an eventual abuser.

Humans are born dependent. They’re born needing parental guidance to manage things like their feelings and needs and emotions. We are born looking out for support.. it’s only natural so we can learn how to self regulate.

Seems like for me And my journey in reparenting myself, I need to dig deep into my feelings.. but I’m unequipped because the last time I shut down on my feelings was when I was an illiterate child.

No one validated what I was communicating. No one listened to what I was saying. My words were insignificant and so I believed that too.. my feelings if they weren’t what’s expected were unwelcome drama and I got scared of them.. my needs were a burden and so I’m scared of being rejected..

I’m scared to be human. because last time I was ever able to was before I could speak.

So I’m ok to be scared.. it’s a good feeling it means I’m reaching something new.. something unexplored and undiscovered.

I’m going to allow myself to be scared.. gonna ride that emotion out too just like I went through my rage and am slowly working through my guilt and self blame.. I’m going to work through my fear..

I don’t need to be an emotional vampire.. to process my own emotions..

But right now that’s all I’m able to be because, I am scared to do it all alone.. scared to explore who I am and who I want to be, because something inside me doesn’t realise that I’m an adult now and not a child and don’t need my parents to help me manage my feelings.

But soon I won’t be scared because I will learn how to cradle my own thoughts and feelings and nurture them into the mature world.. like I went from rage to reason. I can go from fear to peace..

And then, I won’t feel so vulnerable around those who know my buttons and how to push them.. and then I can not let volatile relationships control me and I can surf through them like a champ.

I should probably seek a therapist to “reparent” me and my emotions. I’m just getting a bit of confidence and satisfaction in realising that I can work through emotions on my own. And not let my own emotions be the obstacles to me being true to myself and kind to myself.

If my own emotions can be my biggest enemy, then those that don’t have my best interest at heart, will use my emotions to hurt me.. I need my emotions to be my loyal friend.

At least now I know negative emotions are my long lost friends..

When someone speaks to me and I feel overwhelmed with negativity, I shall stop and pause.. realise that this is a chance at me discovering a long lost friend that there is something inside me needing my attention, and that I’m scared to go there.. hence feeling vulnerable.

I can withdraw from the argument/drama and call it time to give to my inner unnurtured child..

I wonder how many people who have shut down emotionally have done so only because they have been dismissed at children. Child abuse has a lot to answer for.

I wonder how many of those that project their feelings and those that become emotional vampires are those like me are too scared to process their own feelings on their own, because they never had the opportunity.

I’m 65 years old. These are the things I learned recently:

1. Know your worth. I know this is a trendy popular phrase, but it really resonated with me.
2. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Self care first. Kind of like the airplane analogy, put your oxygen on first, then help others.
3. Always being the bigger person leaves you surrounded by small people.
4. I had a family situation where I always shut up and kept the peace. All that did was embolden my family member to get more selfish and outrageous. I should have squashed her like a bug the first time she started her games.

You sound like a really good person. Now be good to you. All the hugs.