To not want to be the nice one anymore ?

[MrsNotNice]

NC for this.

I have been known in my close family circle and friends as the nice peacemaker for all my life. I have been just raised as a chronic people pleaser and it just used to scare me to be the reason behind someone’s upset, even if they’re not justified. I never examined my life philosophy because I used to get all my motivation in life from having people around me happy with me. And I had loads of friends and was popular..

However was deeply deeply sad because the things I had to endure in order to maintain that source of affection from others, was unspeakable. I convinced myself I was privileged to have that many people like me, and that sometimes you have to compromise to get what I have.

The abuse I tolerated and rudeness now shocks me when I look back. I only started to examine things from an external perspective when I decided to “reparent” myself. And look at it from a point of view of whether I would advise my daughter to go on that same path. (Don’t have one yet)

And that’s when my feelings of rage resurfaced.. ancient buried tears. Flashes of occasions when I felt vulnerable and helpless, when I saw it as something my daughters could be feeling and how much she needed someone around her to step up - I went into full rage mode...

I somehow don’t value myself but was able to value those feelings when I projected it as a possibility on my future daughter.

It made me feel like those around me who I thought loved me have only loved what I was offering them. Unconditional support and building their happiness at my expense, no boundaries and someone to lean on and vent on when they need a discrete punching bag.

It made me realise that what I interpreted as love as a child, wasn’t really love.. because I know I feel love for a child, I would feel love for my daughter.. and that would translate to fiercely protecting her and making sure she knows I’m there when she is broken.. that I wouldn’t let her down the same way I was.

And this revelation has made me quite shocked.. to a point I’m no longer recognising myself. With the amount of inner anger I’m allowing to resurface.

I was a peacemaker. I thought I treat people the same way I “like” to be treated. And what I “liked” was to have someone there for me, when I really needed it and was at my most vulnerable and weakest state.. and so I decided I’m gonna be there for everyone just like what I deep down wanted.. I felt guilty if I said no to someone who seemed desperate because I recognized that desperation.. I even never said no to anything because I just didn’t want them to think they can’t rely on me to make them happy, don’t want anyone to feel what I felt, that I have no one to rely on.

But as I got older, I realised that it is those very people that I went out of my way for, that never understood why they needed to be there for me. I’m fact, when I was at my most vulnerable, they discarded me and found ways to blame me so they don’t have to deal with the guilt of not reciprocating.

Not one friend. Not one relative.. almost, everyone...

Im sat wondering whether it’s something wrong with me. When everyone turns their back on u. I allowed myself to be abused because I thought if they’re all against me then it must be me..

Until I woke up.. and realised that there’s nothing I could’ve done to deserve this. Not as a child. Not as an adult..

I’m picking myself up., I’m learning to put boundaries.. I’m learning to say no... and I’m letting my past abuse dictate to me who is worth keeping in my life and who I will stare in the face and let them know they mean nothing to me..

But it’s hard. Because that was my world. I’m scared of the future. I’m scared of the backlash. I’m scared of how I’m losing everyone at once...

Im still scared of hurting everyone else’s feelings, but there is a little voice in me that says, “dear daughter, you don’t owe anyone to hurt yourself just to make them feel better”.

I’ve harboured so many co dependant relationships in my life. Almost 75% of them I’m looking at and realising they’re codependent. Where I let people know they’re entitled to take everything from me and not give.. and that I don’t mind being the source of their happiness and not have anything reciprocated.

It is no wonder I had so many people like to be with me.. when I’m strong

But they were the first to look out for their own selves when I was at my weakest.

I’m so resentful and have shut down my emotions with regards to caring about how looking after myself make others feel.

I’ve onlt started putting up normal boundaries. Saying I don’t have time as have responsibilities. Saying I can’t discuss personal things because I prefer keeping it private. Saying I’m not the best person to solve their problems and they can seek a therapist.

But it seems I’m no longer valuable to those around me when I value myself.. because they’re feeling sorry for themselves and my entire circle of friends and family are looking at me as someone who is mentally unwell...

But I’m at the stage where im desperate to find myself, and I don’t define myself by the opinions or feelings of others.

But I’m scared.

Thanks for reading

And I definitely need some courage to accept being disliked/smeared and rejected. Bloody hurtful. But it looks like I have to deal with it for a while

I know I said I don’t want to be nice but I’m also scared of being mean and horrible.

What happened is I’m not sure how to say no without hurting someone’s feelings or avoiding them to the point of them being sad and assuming it’s personal.

So I have ignored someone who has been ignoring me for a while and only remembers me when they want something from me. Usually something quite demanding. And when I was truly in a dreadful situation and I was feeling terrible, they knew, they were partly the cause of it but were like meh that’s life stop being oversensitive and a drama queen. Even though I spent months crying my eyes out in depression.

Now that I have ignored their request.. and ignored their call after because I’m not sure how to work past their manipulation..

I’m realising that they’re hurt.. horribly hurt. Not because I’m doing anything to them (like they did to me) but because the favor I declined seems to matter so much to them and they banked their hopes on it.. even though it’s trivial compared to what I needed, only once in my life.

So I know they’re hurt.. and I wonder whether there is a way to assert boundaries while being empathetic. But part of me, has a lot of anger.. and just don’t even want to take responsibility for their hurt because they never ever acknowledged how they made me feel and always made me sound like it’s me.

It’s somewhat validating to know that now they’re forced to acknowledge how it feels to be let down, even though it’s nothing compared to what they let me down on.. they have just never seen a reason to be there aside from use me..

But at the same time I want to be a kind human being. I don’t want their behaviour to outline mine..

I’m conflicted between being careless about how they feel- despite how unreasonable they are to feel this way.. and between realising that this path could lead me to become numb to how I make people around me feel which makes me not so different from the people I’m so angry with..

I guess I want to be kind but finding it difficult because as soon as I started to draw boundaries I’m starting to see my worth diminish in the eyes of many who used me and I’m finding it hard to do anything aside from protect my own feelings and just shut down on theirs.

But the difference between me and them has always been compassion and empathy. I’m scared to lose that along the way of finding myself. Because I would hate to find myself amongst the people who damaged my past

I guess I want to be kind but finding it difficult because as soon as I started to draw boundaries I’m starting to see my worth diminish in the eyes of many who used me and I’m finding it hard to do anything aside from protect my own feelings and just shut down on theirs.

I really think you need to be your own "kind project". Look after yourself the way you look after everyone else. All that effort to help others and nurture their soul, to give them a safe place... you need to do that for you now.
I've been trying to spend time alone just thinking about what I need (usually cake!) and being kind to myself. I'm finding I have more energy as I'm less energy drained from needy people. Can you think of it as an exercise in self preservation? I'm finding if I focus on being kind to me then natural boundaries with others form.
I'm not there yet ... long way to go but I'm being a bit braver, a bit less helpful and people pleasing and trying not to be too bothered when people are about it.

Lavender and thyme do you have a good book about Transactional Relationships you could recommend or are you looking at any good websites - I'd quite like to read up about this.

I hear you all.
I need to go to work, but I’ll come back to this thread.

Great posts OP. I've been through this process too- during university. I was Miss Popular but then had no friends almost overnight. But once I left the setting where people knew my original people pleaser self (uni/ hometown) and was my new assertive self, I wasn't short of friends.

I haven't got time to respond as much as I want to all your insights but it really does get better. And you'll get the balance right with time- you won't need to completely lose your kindness and empathy but I would recommend for at least a year practising my old motto "if in doubt say no". Really, for people like us saying no is the hardest thing in the world and it's a muscle you need to build up. So if you're not sure on something, say no until you become comfortable saying it. Once you're comfortable saying it then you can refind your balance in terms of how much you want to put yourself out to help others in future. But if you try focus on others now, you'll end up in the same situation where you are just the doormat for people to take from and use up.

Like a pp said this is your time to try and learn self care and protection. Focus on only that- focus on what makes you happy. Try not to focus on previous upsets as the anger you're projecting is what might be causing your friends and family to think you're mentally unstable. Not that you should care what they think for now. But that anger won't help you but will eat you up. It was useful got kickstarting your self awareness but the anger has served its purpose now- don't let it overstay its welcome.

Good luck OP. You won't be short of friends once you've learnt to be assertive but there might be no salvaging your formerly codependent friendships.

Such an insightful post.
If you don’t already, you should follow the Holistic Psychologist on Instagram. She talks a lot about boundaries and re-parenting etc.

Hey good for you that you've come to realise this. If you value yourself and set up boundaries you will start to attract new relationships that are healthy and mutually rewarding. Don't be afraid to move on from relationships that take from you and give nothing in return.

I'd also like to add that people pleasers tend to attract users.
What does it matter if you're rejected and disliked by users? If they avoid you they're doing you a favour anyway.
It's not an all or nothing game. Just because you can't be "nice" to everyone all the time in every situation doesn't mean you are "nasty".
Right now I think the person you should be kind to is yourself. Sadly that is the only way to get most people to be kind and considerate to you. You teach people how to treat you by showing them how you treat yourself.

I’m just so bogged down with FOG that’s why I can’t focus on myself. Because the people that are dependent on me are not happy with me not being available to them.. they’re practicing all the manipulation techniques and being a people pleaserr was my survival mechanism ever since I was born.

Now I’m trying to figure out how to breath on my own while trying to make sure the FOG doesn’t engulf my mind.

I’m being bombarded with demands which apparently the world will break apart if I don’t comply with, and someone will die of hurt if I don’t respond with what they needed and someone else will slander me and isolate all my friends if I didn’t comply..

I’m trying to find the courage not just to be disliked but to also face slander and emotional aggression... for the sake of my freedom.

I’m struggling to focus on myself and what I want even though that was the plan because I’m feeling sooo exposed and vulnerable.

You see part of me being a people pleaser is that I have been transparent and open book and now It’s all being thrown in my face as a way to get me back into the line of being in service..

I won’t be able to just focus on myself until I break off from those making me vulnerable.

So most my friends and people I mentioned are just generally pushy but not abusive.

But I realised the route of my people pleasing habit was due to being raised by highly manipulative parent and that parent right now is what’s holding me back.. as they are aware of how to push my every button to stop me from asserting my boundaries..

So most my friends and people I mentioned are just generally pushy but not abusive.

I'm not sure this is correct, actually.

Someone telling you that their world will break apart if you don't do what they want? That's abusive.

Someone telling you that they will die of hurt if you don't do what you want? That's abusive (and absolutely batshit crazy to boot.)

Someone telling you they will slander you and isolate you from your friends if you don't do what they want? Abusive, abusive, abusive.

You don't need people like that in your life. You DESERVE not to have people like that in your life. These are the users and abusers - you're far better off without them. If becoming more assertive and respecting yourself and your boundaries means that you lose these people, then great! No doubt they will soon find someone else to latch onto and leach from.

Are you getting support in real life, outside of this thread? A counsellor or psychologist? Someone you can talk these things through with and get support from, use as a sounding board? It sounds like that could really help.

I was once accused,(many years ago) of being "Not very Christian" by somebody, i.e. hypocritical because I refused to be a doormat, despite my faith.
I was much earlier on in the "Don't take c"" phase of my life, but managed to reply that Jesus only asked us to "Love your neighbour as yourself", and if I didn't care for myself, it would be a poor lookout for my neighbour, but the riposte took the wind out of the guilt-tripper's sails.
Regardless of your personal beliefs, you need to value yourself. I was pleasantly surprised to find how much more people valued my help when it could not be taken for granted!

You've written exactly how I feel to a point. But I haven't yet got to the point of realising I deserve better. Thanks OP, needed to see this.xx

I am jumping on the train too.
I have a pain in my ass of people mistaking kindness for weakness.
I've had a two mornings of unwelcome advice from family Dsis on how to get DS to school without fuss, they've no idea of the amount of crap I go through with him every day.

My DM said give him a good smack when he crys he has ASD and SPD.

You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness.

You are allowed to put your needs first.

You are right to say no to something you don't want to do.

You should forgive yourself for being manipulated the past. And it's okay to manipulate someone's manipulation of you.

You are not a cruel, seflish or bad person for doing the above - you deserve to be happy, install your own boundaries and prioritise your life and happiness.

Self-compassion is a great the only place to start.

Good for you OP.

I had a funny moment when I was pretty much at the other end of the process, where I'd had lots of counselling, worked really hard, got through the rage, let people know I was going to be different, and started being different, and was reaping the rewards.

I had an argument with my sister, and she said "I don't really like the person you've become since you had counselling."

And I was able to say "That's your problem, I'm afraid." Zero guilt.

Someone asked for the name of a book I had found helpful up thread.
If you understand the basic principles of TA you will find this very helpful.
Games People Play and I’m Ok You’re Ok are classic texts.

Thanks Lavender that was me. I'll have a look for them at the weekend. Much appreciated.

Part of being s doormat for a very long time is that you probably told people all about your vulnerabilities and now that you want to carve your own life they have all the ammunition to attack you and break your spirit and know exactly where it hurts to get you to be the same person they want you to be.

It’s a painful road indeed. It seems like for a while im going to have to hurt those that stand in my way and there is no gentle option about it otherwise they will massively break me.

I often wonder whether I’ve turned into a horrible beast like what they’re saying. Whether I’m mental.

But then I tell myself they’re just not used to the new Me who isn’t born to please them. And change is tough to accept and they prefer to make me sound mental than have to deal with their neediness issues m.

Can’t help but feel betrayed and not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks for reading.

I guess on the road of finding our strength we have to get used to failing at some moments and losing control.. feeling like idiots for falling for traps we thought we knew how to tackle...

It’s part of the process and I just have to learn and pick myself up. Make something positive out of it and not be angry at myself for not succeeding.

However I’ve succeeded for few weeks so I can still be proud of where I am at now.

I’m definitely further along. That’s all that matters. People now know that my No means a NO. And even though they don’t like it and want to give it many explanations amen tear me down, but at least that in itself is an achievement.

I often wonder whether it was worth losing all those people along the way so I can find myself. Whether it was worth to have no control over my life just so I can not be so rejected and hated like I am now..

But I guess that should never be a scenario. No one that truly loves you would expect you to give up your happiness just so they can accept you.

They’re not worth it. Hope I acceot it soon

I’ve been reading the “You are Ok, I am Ok”

It’s quire a revelation. Thanks for recommending Lavender.

I’m going to start “the courage to be disliked” hopefully soon.

Today I learnt something new.

I decided to not be ashamed to feel angry. To allow myself to relive the past not for the sake of “holding grudges” but for the sake of learning how to process those feelings from a strength point of view.

I realized I had assumed I “let go” because I’m forgiving but it’s more that I dismissed my own feelings because I was helpless. Which isn’t out of kindness but Bourne out of weakness.

It is that weakness that many people were able to see while I didn’t.. they recognize that flaw in me while I was hailing myself as a forgiving goddess..

I decided there is no such thing is making a choice to forgive when I didn’t have a choice.. if I did it out of fear of rejection or fear of a backlash..

I allowed myself to surf on the wave of rage.. maybe sink a little.. and to shut down my natural callings trying to get me to feel guilt and sympathy.. which was holding me back all those years.. it felt horrible but I convinced myself it’s for the best that I learn how to face my rage and accept it about traumas that I didn’t deserve because of people who saw my vulnerabilities as an opportunity.

After few months of pure rage.. being absolutely triggered by anything that reminds me of my helpless self.. my inability to say no. My inability to express myself... whatever made me feel worthless and whatever sent me into a slight negative emotions..

I’ve never been this angry in my life and it’s a scare place to be. I shut myself away from everyone and decided to listen to myself.. only surrounded myself with few friends who understand and won’t judge.. very very few.. just 2..

After listening to myself and no longer trying to switch off my anger.. but instead tame it.. I was shocked how much anger management I was lacking. How little control of my reactions I had..

I was miss nice and pleasant. Peacemaker who always understood what people wanted and was st their service.. now I was someone who can no longer tolerate anything that sends them out of emotional control.. I was a massive fire ball, a volcano.

I was scared of who I was becoming.. almost like a Mr Hyde from Dr Jeckyl.

I wanted to excuse my feelings of utter rage that I kept digging deeper and deeper in my past once triggered. Finding justifications with events I had long long suppressed.. choosing to no longer see anything positive about a person that unleashed my anger..

I wasn’t sure who I am anymore.. where’s my empathy? Why did I change from a chronic people pleaser to an emotionally careless being?. Do I really have to become so self centered around my own feelings in order to resolve my boundary issues. Why can’t I just learn to be assertive and be taken seriously like everyone else on this planet and not have to justify myself and be interrogated.. why do I have to find ways to excuse my rage, just like I had been doing to those that have unleashed it unto me for decades??

Confirmation bias? I am just looking for things in the past confirming what I want to see so I can process my overwhelmed feelings about trail of childhood trauma events that I can’t make sense of..

Then I realized.. all I needed was empathy and validation to break out from being so overwhelmed with helplessness.. that yes, as a child, I had the right to feel upset and angry.. about so and so.. and that I was overwhelmed that I shut down.. but in reality, I didn’t meed to. I deserved having someone teach me to learn how to process.. to validate me.. but I couldn’t find someone because no one was available.

Yes feeling alone and vulnerable is overwhelming. I often hated my own company. Because I don’t understand myself. But I’m an adult, I have my emotional power back.. I don’t need to feel helpless.. I can look out for myself now..

I quickly realized my rage was just a manifestation of a desperate need for empathy,, and that I can give that to myself.. I can be understanding of why I was overwhelmed and that this isn’t anymore the case..

My empathy was defined wrong.. my empathy was my identity not a trait. I was the emotional mirror for those around me from an early age. If they felt sorrow I cried. If they felt anger I went angry. But that wasn’t a choice.. that was because they involuntarily made sure to validate themselves through me.. by making sure they process their feelings by taking it out on me..

They were adults with toddler processing skills.. unable to control their inner world and so expected the “empath” next to them to “understand” when they manifest their negativity into actions that will implant it unto me.. the reaction I reflected back was validating. It must’ve got addictive to them..

As a child I wanted to be considerate. I learnt that kindness and empathy was to be the emotional mirror of those around you. The shoulder they lean on, the punching bag they vent on.

That’s how I became a doormat.

My empathy was wrong. Empathy and compassion don’t to mirror other people’s feelings and expect them to mirror yours.its an active process where you engage your own will power. Where you be considerate but also offer kind gestures of validating their individual feelings and their own emotional journey which is separate to yours..

It starts with being kind to yourself and being in a strong position to want the same for others.

And I learnt that I can only really do that, when I validate myself. And accept that I am human who is at times vulnerable and gets overwhelmed.. and my anger is a sign that my emotional state is vulnerable and needs boundaries.. it’s not a sign that imma bad person.

That the people around me, didn’t see me as worthless.. but they were weak.. their rage was also manifestation of their lack of control in their emotionally overwhelming world. And all they needed was someone to validate them so they can regain control of their emotional state.. and not project it onto others.

I think I’m moving past my suppressed anger and into accepting myself and others.

Sorry for being selfishly self absorbed.. I haven’t responded in detail to all the messages even though I read every single one.. I have been finding emotions sooo difficult to process in my overwhelmed anxious state and almost drowning in my own negativity..

Now I know it was all in my head. I can regain control by realizing the narrative has changed.

I’ve shut myself away from the world because I was feeling like I’m in self preservation mode.. I was ready to hurt others just to make sure I don’t add more hurt to my plate.. but it didn’t feel right and so the best solution was just to hide..

But I feel in control again.. the rage doesn’t really define me.. I can own it.. it’s just my friend trying to warn me that I’m overwhelmed and I’m glad I listened to it and chose to listen to myself and cut the noise.

And now I am not scared to listen to myself. To recognize my feelings and that nothing is trivial. I might not know how to process and deal with it but I can at least validate them and acknowledge that it will motivate me to do something good for myself.. to nurture my emotional resilience.. which I very much need..

And hopefully when I come at the other end of this, I won’t be an ugly Mr Hyde.

I will be someone who learnt emotional resilience. Who learnt to surf through every negative emotion and not just dismiss them.. and who can see those around me who are acting out on negative feelings, and manifest my empathy by helping them gently and kindly on their journey toward emotional resilience.

But until then, I need to look after myself. I need to learn to say NO so im not dragged down. And I don’t need to feel guilty for not owning emotions that aren’t mine.. their emotional journey is different to mine and I’m no ones mirror.

Thanks for reading.

Sorry for the many typos.

Basically I realized that my desperate pursuit for answers for my negative feelings.. and my desperate need to dig out negative things to help me fuel my rage which I was convinced was helping me stay on track...

Was in fact, just a desperate need for validation. To someone to hand the torch back to me and let me know that I’m an adult, and that my feelings were valid and not crazy, but that I can process them now. That I’m capable. I don’t really need answers..

The past isn’t as relevant as I thought it is.. it’s only relevant because I wanted it to be.. because I desperately wanted to confirm my desire to hold on to negativity so I can detach from those that I felt vulnerable around.

I felt vulnerable because I was once vulnerable. But I’m not a victim anymore.. and the person I’m dealing with isn’t a victim either.. or a villain. they’re just out of emotional control. I’m in control now. I just have to allow myself to be. Trust myself to be. And trust that they too, can be.