To not want to be the nice one anymore ?

[MrsNotNice]

NC for this.

I have been known in my close family circle and friends as the nice peacemaker for all my life. I have been just raised as a chronic people pleaser and it just used to scare me to be the reason behind someone’s upset, even if they’re not justified. I never examined my life philosophy because I used to get all my motivation in life from having people around me happy with me. And I had loads of friends and was popular..

However was deeply deeply sad because the things I had to endure in order to maintain that source of affection from others, was unspeakable. I convinced myself I was privileged to have that many people like me, and that sometimes you have to compromise to get what I have.

The abuse I tolerated and rudeness now shocks me when I look back. I only started to examine things from an external perspective when I decided to “reparent” myself. And look at it from a point of view of whether I would advise my daughter to go on that same path. (Don’t have one yet)

And that’s when my feelings of rage resurfaced.. ancient buried tears. Flashes of occasions when I felt vulnerable and helpless, when I saw it as something my daughters could be feeling and how much she needed someone around her to step up - I went into full rage mode...

I somehow don’t value myself but was able to value those feelings when I projected it as a possibility on my future daughter.

It made me feel like those around me who I thought loved me have only loved what I was offering them. Unconditional support and building their happiness at my expense, no boundaries and someone to lean on and vent on when they need a discrete punching bag.

It made me realise that what I interpreted as love as a child, wasn’t really love.. because I know I feel love for a child, I would feel love for my daughter.. and that would translate to fiercely protecting her and making sure she knows I’m there when she is broken.. that I wouldn’t let her down the same way I was.

And this revelation has made me quite shocked.. to a point I’m no longer recognising myself. With the amount of inner anger I’m allowing to resurface.

I was a peacemaker. I thought I treat people the same way I “like” to be treated. And what I “liked” was to have someone there for me, when I really needed it and was at my most vulnerable and weakest state.. and so I decided I’m gonna be there for everyone just like what I deep down wanted.. I felt guilty if I said no to someone who seemed desperate because I recognized that desperation.. I even never said no to anything because I just didn’t want them to think they can’t rely on me to make them happy, don’t want anyone to feel what I felt, that I have no one to rely on.

But as I got older, I realised that it is those very people that I went out of my way for, that never understood why they needed to be there for me. I’m fact, when I was at my most vulnerable, they discarded me and found ways to blame me so they don’t have to deal with the guilt of not reciprocating.

Not one friend. Not one relative.. almost, everyone...

Im sat wondering whether it’s something wrong with me. When everyone turns their back on u. I allowed myself to be abused because I thought if they’re all against me then it must be me..

Until I woke up.. and realised that there’s nothing I could’ve done to deserve this. Not as a child. Not as an adult..

I’m picking myself up., I’m learning to put boundaries.. I’m learning to say no... and I’m letting my past abuse dictate to me who is worth keeping in my life and who I will stare in the face and let them know they mean nothing to me..

But it’s hard. Because that was my world. I’m scared of the future. I’m scared of the backlash. I’m scared of how I’m losing everyone at once...

Im still scared of hurting everyone else’s feelings, but there is a little voice in me that says, “dear daughter, you don’t owe anyone to hurt yourself just to make them feel better”.

I’ve harboured so many co dependant relationships in my life. Almost 75% of them I’m looking at and realising they’re codependent. Where I let people know they’re entitled to take everything from me and not give.. and that I don’t mind being the source of their happiness and not have anything reciprocated.

It is no wonder I had so many people like to be with me.. when I’m strong

But they were the first to look out for their own selves when I was at my weakest.

I’m so resentful and have shut down my emotions with regards to caring about how looking after myself make others feel.

I’ve onlt started putting up normal boundaries. Saying I don’t have time as have responsibilities. Saying I can’t discuss personal things because I prefer keeping it private. Saying I’m not the best person to solve their problems and they can seek a therapist.

But it seems I’m no longer valuable to those around me when I value myself.. because they’re feeling sorry for themselves and my entire circle of friends and family are looking at me as someone who is mentally unwell...

But I’m at the stage where im desperate to find myself, and I don’t define myself by the opinions or feelings of others.

But I’m scared.

Thanks for reading

Hi OP,
Hope you are well. What's worse is the person making me feel that way has been in that position themselves so knows exactly how it feels. 😢
Big hugs, you sound lovely xx

Thank you all for this thread, I have read it all twice. I am also at this point in my life and have started therapy for the fourth time. Keep posting and I will come back to add to this.

Always being the bigger person leaves you surrounded by small people.

I love this

IceAndASlice123 I don’t know how some people aren’t able to realise we are humans just like them.. :(.

CassetteTapes thanks for reading. has therapy been helping ?

I’m having a mentally drained day today. I allowed someone to suck me into a futile arguments and a confrontation where they clearly just wanted the drama and to provoke me and weren’t seeking a resolution.. I ended up allowing them to go on and on and on with provocation.

But I promised myself I will embrace my failure on this journey and use it as an opportunity to explore my negative emotions and cradle my hurt feelings to nurture them into adulthood. So I’m gonna sit there telling myself “you is Kind, You is Smart , You is important”. And give myself time to bleed and pick myself up again.

I hope you ladies are getting on fine ?

I wonder what kind of phrases people use in their heads to not react to blackmail and humiliation. I wonder what sort of emotional boundaries people have so that they don’t become subject to emotional manipulation.

I am exactly the same and I realised and started healing quite a few years ago. I have no friends and no family(ido have a fabulous DH though after horrid relationships)
I've tried my hardest to raise my children differently though, to break the generational trauma, and I sadly have failed.

I've tried my hardest to raise my children differently though, to break the generational trauma, and I sadly have failed.

I’m so sorry for what you have been through :(. This has really scared me. When you say you have failed do you mean you continued the cycle of your parents? Or do you mean they grew to also disrespect you?

I’m so hoping my past doesn’t paint my present and future. This must be extremely painful for you

I've made sure they are always cared for, loved, supported, allowed to express themselves, handled bad behaviour calmly, we've always had a happy home, basically done everything my narcissistic mother didn't do for me... They've still ended up broken as teenagers/young adults, with MH issues, no real future. They treat me like dirt, literally couldn't care less. In fact, they treat me just like everyone else ever has, I'm disposable.

StormBaby I'm so sorry that you feel like this, it isnt your fault that you were damaged as a child, similar applies to me and I have terrible regrets about my own parenting, it is hard and no parent is perfect you are carrying the burden of generations of dysfunctional people
'Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,. And don't have any kids yourself'
Larkin kinda nails it.
There is hope, things can improve for your children, is there any counselling or therapy available?

Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,. And don't have any kids yourself

This is so scary .

StormBaby, you have done an incredible amazing job if you had managed to reshape parenting away from what your narcissistic mother did to you. I think what matters is you knowing you have done your best. Your kids will come round. Parenting is never perfect but as long as there is no neglect and abuse, then you have done a good job.

It’s just probably painful to not get the outcome you wanted but it doesn’t sound too late. Please report back with positive outcome.

I selfishly need someone to let me know there is hope of breaking the cycle as I’m expecting a daughter and feel like I have no role model :( and future is so uncertain

I realised while listening to a podcast that the reason I have not been succeeding at erecting some boundaries is because while I was clarifying how violating it affects me emotionally and that I need the boundary in order to be able to feel ok... I was expecting people to have empathy and do it becsuse they want to.

I still haven’t grasped the concept that some people aren’t able to process emotions like that and value them and change their behaviour out of empathy.

I realised I needed to set clear consequences which I will follow through. Without seeming threatening. It needs to be a natural consequence to be able to be serious about protecting myself.. it could’ve been something I explained why it’s resdonable. It could’ve helped reset the expectations without anyone feeling angry and let down.

I need to figure out reasonable consequences to violations of my boundaries.. and gates to my boundaries where I can allow people in if they gained my trust to not need to be directed on how not to violate it.

I guess I’m still not totally emotionally detached and so I’m still thinking people to “care enough” to not want to violate my boundary. But truth is, I’m surrounded with people with a different definition of “care” and might not understand the concept of boundaries.

I need to take control of MY role in those relationships and set the expectations to something that suits me without the drama.

I accept I didn’t do a perfect job at setting boundaries and it resulted in bigger drama.

But I’m positive I can move a step forward now

I do think I went from 0 to 180 which shocked the system of many. Reason I did that was because I didn’t know how to protect myself by being moderately protecting. I had no walls protecting my vulnerable heart...

I needed time to build those walls.. and so I need to push people far far far far away... those people who aren’t the type that know their boundaries inherently.

I don’t think that was a kind way to make a U turn.. but I think it was necessary.. it was self preserving. I could not have been kind while having people meddling with my vulnerabilities. Something had to give..

Rage was needed.

And my guilt right now is because I went the extreme direction and yes I wasn’t being as kind as I would like to be. That is not what I prefer. That’s not me. But it was necessary. And I will let my guilt fade away while I build those walls. And let people realise they still have a way back through the gates. And that consequences for infiltrating the wall without permission would be something that I need to protect myself and I will give them the right expectation.

My boundaries were not coming from a place of love. It was coming from a place of anger and resentment. Was coming from a place of extreme fear. That’s not me when I’m at peace, that’s me when I’m violated and so I should be. That’s why it doesn’t serve anyone for me to be this violated. I’m kind. I own that I haven’t been as kind as I could be but that’s because I wasn’t in the place to be. But I will let myself learn from all this.

It’s ok that I feel like crap. This is a learning experience. I’m making mistakes but heading in the right direction. It is better than having no direction at all.

Holy crap I started a small exercise of writing down my emotional needs and what boundaries I need t communicate and consequences of such violations... and I already feel huge sense of relief but I also feel a huge amount of shock..

Huge shock..

That the actual things that I need in order for me to have a functional life are basic basic basic human rights.

I just never realized these things need to be communicated.. they were pretty basic..

I have no idea how I got here. Makes me want to cry.. how on earth did I reach a situation where I need to ask for my basic human rights to be respected and not abused. How could I have continued this way so defenseless

Before I went to counselling, I didn’t even know that meeting emotional needs is a basic human right 😂. She was like: but it’s in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs!!! ( the point being I have studied bloody Maslow for years, never made the connection with myself though). I just thought they’re met if you’re lucky or something.
I just wasn’t able to name my emotions, let alone process them.

Well done, mrs, it’s a big step!

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs!!!
Omg didn’t think of those! Of to use them as guidelines to practice drafting my boundaries!!

I too have a problem naming my emotions but I’m slowly working through that. I’m quite binary with “negative” and “positive” feeling but I’m slowly trying to push myself to dig deep and elaborate.

Your therapy sounds useful.

I read this written piece and it helped me forgive myself as to why i sometimes feel pitty for those that manipulated me and controlled me.. because of the broken child within them.

I guess sometimes we do need to realise that behind toxic people are damaged children who do deserve the empathy and it’s not our fault if we got taken advantage of.

But what’s important is to set boundaries so that their inner damaged child isn’t controlling the adult relationship because it isn’t good for anyone.

medium.com/moments-of-passion/why-manipulative-people-manipulate-us-the-child-within-and-how-to-deal-with-them-2d5966c0c400

Weirdly I was having a very emotionally tense day that I was unable to process how I was feeling because of an attempt by one of the people I distanced myself from to blame me for their behaviour which has been very very harmful to me in the past few days. Even though I expected them to do that but it still didn’t waver the emotional impact on me.. how them rewriting history and denying their role in the story and picking on things out of context... I couldn’t help but react and become a puppet in their narrative... and it’s becsuse I couldn’t help but feel intensely shocked at how unable they are to see the impact of their actions on me..

But I was determined to not get dragged into this.. so I kept trying to force my logic to take over and shut my reactivity down... but it felt very forced and built up resentment.. I tried distancing myself from the situation but I couldn’t shake those emotions of total desperation for me to go and have someone believe me... hear me out... let me cry.. tell me I’m not crazy..

In any case... I didn’t have that option and I tried to distract myself. Tried to logically convince myself I was feeling some mourning for an old relationship gone bad and that it’s ok it will pass.. and then distracted myself.

Until I came across something sentimental which put a tear in my eye... then floods and floods of tears made their way.. trapped and finally found their excuse.. And I had to let it be... because it felt like relief.

I let it all out and I then realised that I was able to view the situation positively again.. I no longer felt suffocated in negativity.. I let it out!

All I needed was to validate my own negative feelings of sorrow. I don’t need to go to anyone and let them know that I’m sad and I don’t need to be an emotional vampire in my friends life who already has enough on her plate all because I needed validation in this isolating circumstance..

All I needed was to let myself experience the sadness.. let my inner child cry me be there.. and then ride it all out..

And then I realised... the first step to empathy.. is learning to validate our own emotions which we don’t understand and be ok with it.. not suppressing it..

That those that gaslight and deny and blame and shame , are people who don’t know how to process their own feelings and validate their own feelings and so they don’t allow you to do that either.. it’s not personal it’s a deficiency of skill...

And perhaps, their blame and desperate Attempts at appearing like a victim and making you sound like a villain and smearing you... is just a little child desperate for validation and have picked up unhealthy techniques to get it from wrong sources..

Perhaps all those people need is some validation before they can access their own emotions.. perhaps then, they will be more willing to listen to some talks on boundaries and protecting myself from being vulnerable.

So yeh, at least this time it took me 1 day to process my negativity which is a huge step forward..

I’m glad that I’m able to be in a world where I protect my own emotions without dismissing that of others. I feel that’s a happy place I want to be.

But I’m sure I still have a long journey.. of negative emotions buried deep inside that need to be permitted out.. and until I figure each one of them out, I will probably create mess on the way. But that’s ok, it’s a learning curve

medium.com/@briaeliza/the-life-changing-magic-of-validating-your-own-feelings-3e167b59d194

I call this acceptance. It’s a very zen place to be, isn’t it?
Just like I accept that they are messed up and a product of their own abusive childhood, I also accept that it’s not my responsability to ‘pay’ for their mistakes. The codependency circle stops here. I’m very sorry they are like that, I wish them happiness, but I’m detaching.

My mum holds grudges something spectacular. Poisons everything, forever. I know that’s how she is. I took her out for a coffee once and asked her what would the outcome of some of her actions would have been if she hadn’t been so angry and spiteful. You know, as you would ask a friend. That certainly put salt on a snake, jeez she lost it.
So I realised she’s not a friend. She’s never been a mother, never will be a friend.
I have some elderly neighbours I make small talk with when we cross paths. How are you, how is your dog, your garden looks lovely, look at this weather etc. That’s exactly the extent to which I communicate with my mother. So we maintain a civil sort of polite level. I don’t want my mum anymore, I’ve learnt I can self soothe and how to look after myself. If she calls and starts on one again, I just go: listen, I’m in the middle of cooking, I’m trying a new recipe, I’ll let you get on with your stuff, speak to you later. If she still needs to spew, she’ll call my brother, who will listen right up to the point where mum tries to speak bad of me, then he’ll go: right, mum, I’m at work, speak later.
And tha’s how we’ve been dealing with it.

SeaSidePebbles

SeaSide, you are my role model today.
Your simple words have such huge impact on my journey. You’re right. I might be going into acceptance.. it’s not any less sad but it’s peaceful. Recognizing that we are all human and with huge flaws. And that it’s ok if I can’t deal with other people’s.. letting go of that guilt is a huge thing for me.

You sound quite emotionally resilient. That you managed to reach such a place with your mother where you can have a relationship with her and not take her attitude towards you personal. That sounds very strong. And your brother seems to be supportive of you, I hope mine recognise things for what they are soon. I’m so glad to read about your journey it really gives me hope.

Also accepting myself, and others, and the feelings in between, is really helping me be less anxious about facing people. I’ve been depressed and isolating myself, turns out this is a normal stage of grief and I’m glad now to know that it wasn’t in vain, that it was leading me to acceptance. So worth the journey. But now that I’ve come face to face with my suppressed negative feelings, I feel less scared to have to face them again. I know I can pick myself up again.. and I know that with time, this process won’t take this long anymore.

I feel like very soon, not yet, I will be ready to face everything and embrace wha
T negative feelings it triggers in me. Because those negative feelings are a side of me I never met that has been pleading for attention. And I can redirect it to a positive place.

I no longer need to shut them away. I can embrace it.

If I can accept myself for my flaws, I can accept others for theirs. And then I can begin to be realistic about relationships and love. And not expect too much from myself or others.

I can’t wait to be in that healthy place. I feel like all this time, I have been so emotionally unhealthy but never saw it.

I have called up some counselling services (private) as I now feel a bit braver talking about it without sounding completely crazy. I guess I was insecure about being judged but now I’m almost accepting that it’s normal what I’m feeling.

I was wondering how many counselling sessions did it take SeaSide for you to notice the difference or to recover?

I had 12, free on the NHS. I would have continued, but it would have had to have been private, I’ll go back once I saved a bit more :)

SeaSidePebbles

Thanks seaside. I have been trying to get help under the NHS but became paranoid due to mentions of liaising with social services. I’m so insecure I feel like they will judge me to be mentally unstable which I’m
Not. But heard it so much from people last two months who I cut off that I’m scared. My kids are everything to me.

Today I finally see how the people who have so much resentment and rejection towards me have issues within themselves that truly have nothing whatsoever to do with me. I know I’m not to blame.

I guess they tried to convince themselves that I am to blame which is why they sound so honest and believable... I guess they’re in denial about how negatively they feel towards me because they know I don’t deserve it. And instead are trying to find flaws in me so they can justify their jealousy/insecurity..

I guess it’s not my place to make sure they get over their issues.. I can only support them if they seek help but I can’t push them towards it..

I shouldn’t be shocked that they’ve convinced themselves there is nothing good in em. I shouldn’t be surprised that whatever I do is taken with a negative spin. I shouldn’t be shocked..

Because even nice people have their negative human side.. jealousy... inferiority complex..

And the more I react to it the more they feel validated and able to find things to convince themselves that I deserve their negativity.

But truth is, it’s not personal. I wasn’t behind their negativity, I wasn’t behind their issues..

I have to let go of this eternal burden and guilt they placed on me.. the responsibility to carry their negative emotions with me everywhere. The idea that I’m not worth their approval..

It’s not my fault.. I feel sorry and sad for them but it doesn’t mean I deserve all of that.

I need to accept myself for who I am and the hardest part is to accept them for who they are too.. and not try take responsibility to change them or their life choices... not feel guilty or burdened by their misery..

I can offer support when Needed but won’t be a martyr.

I will have to let go of my expectations.. to not expect a normal behaviour from someone so damaged..

And accordingly I won’t be investing in that relationship because I know there won’t be reciprocation

I'm trying so hard to not be the yes woman and I think I need to end my marriage as his kids are so rude to me it would cause big problems

It’s a mixture of feelings...

A big big sigh of relief to know that I’m not actually worthless.. that it’s not my fault .. that the guilt I was feeling towards the situation was only because someone was disguising the real issue... it’s a disguise... it’s not true.. it’s not me to blame..

I at least can get out of what I’m stuck in.. the limbo of trying to “be better” and be rejected over and over and over.. and start hating myself because I’m believing the narrative..

But it’s also sad... very sad to finally confirm what my instincts have been screaming at me all along..

That yes, behind it all is huge resentment that I don’t deserve. That yes my life has all been about me being manipulated.. that everything being said to me wasn’t because they had my best interest at heart. It didn’t come from a place of love necessarily..

Huge part of it came from a place of resentment because of something not my fault..

I need to accept that.. my idea of ideal love which I’ve been trying to attain by being a doormat and people pleasing, is actually a fairy tale that doesn’t exist and was just used to keep me trying harder and harder..

It’s sad looking back getting a confirmation of what I felt for a long time, that my efforts were indeed a waste. I was running towards a mirage. A fantasy that was fabricated.. only to keep me moving in a direction that’s not in my best interest..

I’m upset... I’m finding this difficult to accept because no one would like to accept their life has been a lie. But I really need to.

I hope I can look back at the past some day soon and find a positive meaning to all this.. I hate to see that my childhood until now has been a lie..

I want to take this information and be positive real soon. I really hope I can do that.

tictac86 sounds like it’s a difficult situation you are going through. Please feel free to open up about your emotional journey if you life here so you can get the support you need.

I have no advice but and wishing you strength and happiness.

Something I heard a long time ago that really resonated with me is about a pendulum.

If you drop a pendulum from a height, it doesn't go to the bottom (balance) and stop. It swings up the other side. Then back and so on and so on with ever decreasing arcs.

You are unlikely to go from being a 'doormat' to being kind but having boundaries. You almost have to go too much the other way first. For 2 reasons. The first being that those who have used you will initially - and for some time - not accept the boundaries and push you harder and harder and you have to really resist beyond what you would happily do if they didn't take advantage. The second being (the law of physics) you have to physically find a balance. Only by being harder than you want to end up can you work out exactly the right place the balance works for you. Kind of - you really need to know how to say no, and to practice it and be able to say it to be able to learn how and when to say 'yes' appropriately.

You may, with some people ho have previously taken advantage, eventually be able to draw boundaries that they will learn to accept.

More importantly, once you are able to set boundaries, whilst still being caring and giving when you want, you will attract new people into your life. People who will know and like the way you have trained yourself to be. And they will know that no means no but that you will be kind and helpful when it really matters - or when you can. AND they will do the same for you.

Hecateh

Wow! I loved the pendulum analogy. That should help me visualize things and make it stick.

You completely made sense in every point you explained. I wonder how you ladies are so rational about these things, does it come
Naturally to u? Instinct/judgement ? Or is it something you worked on too?