AIBU to walk away from him?

[Pennyeleanor]

I do love my DP but he’s a very different person now to the way he was and our relationship is very different. We’ve been together for 5 years.
He has absolutely no hobbies other than watching tv. His day begins at 12pm when he wakes up. I do all the cleaning and shopping while he’s asleep. For the rest of the day and into the early hours of the night, all he does is sit around watching tv. I’m not even exaggerating. He does nothing else. I ask him how his day has been and it’s the same story. Nothing changes. Every day the response is ‘I’m fine. Just been watching tv’.
He doesn’t drive so we don’t go out anywhere. He claims not to have enough money for us to go on holiday but whenever he does have some money, he spends it by drinking and going out nearly every weekend.
He has no ambition: he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life. He quit his job 2 years ago and still has no clue what he’s going to do. ‘It’ll all fall into place eventually’ is the response I get.
Don’t get me wrong, I do love him. But, I’m sick to death of the laziness, the boredom, the lack of forward planning.
I do all the work round the house but he treats the house like a pig sty- for example he spits out his chewing gum anywhere; on tables, on the sink. Complete lack of respect and pride in our home.
This is exceptionally shallow but In the last 2 years, he went from being a healthy gym addict to someone unrecognisable.
AIBU to think there’s someone better out there who actually does something with their day? Who wants to travel and explore and work hard?

You think you wouldn’t cope emotionally. You would. It would be hard at first because he’s all you’re used to, but you’d be fine. You need to set your bar higher.

Emotionally, I’m not sure.

Emotionally you'll be far better off.

If you were my daughter I could not stand by silently, watching you throw away your youth on such a waste of space (who's being enabled by his parents and you)

You would be doing him a favour by leaving him. He thinks it's okay to behave the way he does because that's the message he's getting from you. He needs a jolt of reality or he will just keep going in the same rut.

Emotionally you'll be better as he won't be draining off you.
You already do everything anyway.

There is no future. He's too lazy to care about marriage. If you had children, you would be doing absolutely everything for them and him which really would finish everything off in a fog of resentment.

He's had enough time to change. Even if depression is a factor, he has to want to change/ seek help to get anywhere. Sitting around being facilitated by his parents and you will not change anything. You can change the situation by accepting how he is and the future and moving on.

Would you get together with him if you met him now?

OP, I married this, thinking it would get better when he found a job he loved, hobbies he loved. Well, he hated all forms of work so I paid for everything. Hobbies.... he ended up sleeping with someone there within weeks of me leaving. Lodged himself in her nice big house and now only works part time.

I wish I could have gone back to 25 year old me and told her to walk so that she doesn't waste another decade of her life.

Just go. It is hard being on your own financially and emotionally. Financially; I'm great now. Emotionally; took a while but my life is amazing. I've dated, had a relationship and am now enjoying something new with a man who treats me amazingly. Just go.

Your parents probably don’t want to tell you what they really think of him! I’m sure they will be supportive once you end the relationship.

Do you lack confidence generally? It might be worth getting some help once you are single to understand why you have been prepared to accept so little from a partner. Read ‘feel the fear but do it anyway’ to help with the break up.

So what are you doing on his lovely hot sunny bank holiday day?

Are you infact writing this from a lovely beer garden, having a nice drink with your DP in the sun? Or perhaps going on a nice walk and going out for dinner? Or maybe one of you will cook and you’ll sit and open a bottle of wine. Maybe meet some friends for a drink?

Or is he still asleep? Or hungover? Or watching tv? Are you running around doing the cleaning (because you are the maid right?) while he sits on his arse.

Think about how you want your life to turn out. You’re 25, you have it all ahead of you.

Hi OP,
You might be doing your partner a favour by ending the relationship as he has got into a horrible rut. He might sort himself out after the shock or he might not.

You will definitely be doing yourself a favour though. Do you want a family one day? It would be very emotionally draining to try and give them a fulfilling childhood experience doing everything yourself while your partner does nothing and keeps them inside with the Tele for company. You would suffer a lot of guilt about that.

Break free and be available to find someone who will be the good partner and father that you deserve.

He's a lazy, cocklodging blob - what's not to like?

Seriously, I just don't understand why you have put up with this for years. I would have been long gone.

Run. Now.

We rent our house and though it would be a struggle long term, I could afford the rent myself. In terms of finances and the logistics, I could manage on my own. Emotionally, I’m not sure.

If you can manage on your own, you'll cope emotionally. Yes, the first days alone could be hard, but believe me, after that it gets better.

And I reckon you'd feel lighter very quickly when you're not with him dragging you down.

@Lockshunkugel thanks for the suggestion! Looking it up now. I’m actually a pretty confident person but I think I’m so used to being comfortable in this relationship. I only realised a few days ago that I don’t want to be comfortable. I want excitement and to be interested. I don’t want to just accept my lot.

Thing is OP, so many of us have been there. Which is why we’re telling you to get rid of him.

I was in a relationship from being at school until I was 22. My parents wished we would split up, they only told me afterwards. It’s a difficult thing to say, what do you think you’d do if your family told you to dump him? Would you? Or would you feel hurt and not listen, and feel like you couldn’t confide in them?

My ex had zero ambition. He had a part time job in a shop. He would tell me he was applying for jobs but in reality he applied for one with a really bad CV (wouldn’t accept any help to improve his CV), and got rejected so never tried again. He spent all his time playing computer games and ignoring me. He also never wanted to do anything. He used to moan if I wanted to go out, even on my own. I earned the money, bought everything in our house and did the cleaning. I remember him refusing to eat something I’d cooked because it had herbs in.

Thankfully we never got engaged, married or had babies. I thought we would. I couldn’t imagine not being with him because he was all I’d known. I’d never been with anyone else. He was a habit, a bad habit. I knew deep down I didn’t love him but I suppressed those feelings and carried on. I was terrified of being single. Eventually we split up, I think he realised I just wasn’t into it anymore. The first thing I felt was relief. Of course it was hard, we lived together, he was devastated. I felt awful. You can’t stay with someone for fear of upsetting them either. Breaking up was the best thing I did. I was single, went travelling, went out with friends and had a few flings. Then I met my DH, and we are happy. Now I get what love and a proper healthy relationship is where you have each other’s backs, where you encourage each other and support each other. Where you want to go out and do things, be a team (and trust me if you have children you need to be a team). This is what you should be aiming for. Not some lazy twat who doesn’t give a shit. I think you need to work on your self respect and and self belief. Don’t settle because you’re scared of what might be. What might be will always be better than what you have now. Put yourself first.

@LambBeefandHedgehog your post really struck a cord with me, thank you very much for sharing. I could’ve written your post (minus the upgrade in the form of a lovely DH)!! I know what I should do but it’s all I’ve known for the past 5 years and at my age, that’s a really long time/big deal.

I keep imagining my life with other guys who I used to be interested in before ‘D’ P came along. Guys who I know have hobbies, jobs, money to go on holiday with their families/girlfriends. It’s like torture but I guess that’s when you know that’s the end.

Tell him you're not compatible and he'd be happier without you, then scarper

Try not to get involved with a guy who loves football (out several times a week, training, and playing or watching matches at the weekends) or cycling (so many women who complain about their OH's hobby of cycling, which costs loads, and also takes up all their free time, post on here!)!

I had 3 serious relationships from age 16. Splitting up, is hard, but you don't want to settle for the first one that comes along. Start thinking about the things you'd love to do, that you can't do now, because he's dragging you down.

Get excited about being able to do them! EG, you've always wanted to go to Paris in the springtime, browse the art galleries, and sit outside cafes, watching all the chic Parisians going past, you could do that! Or you'd love to go walking in the Lake District, or have a beach holiday somewhere hot. The world's your lobster!

And then there are the simple, home things that annoy you, like him hogging the TV remote, or leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor. And NO chewing gum spat out wherever he happened to be at the time! It's got to be worth it for that alone!

You CAN do this, honest!

It’s all I’ve known for the past 5 years and at my age, that’s a really long time/big deal.

I’d been with my ex 6 years by the time we broke up. He was all I’d known and yes it was terrifying. After we split up I went out and got really drunk with my friends. I also lost weight from the stress, even though I was happy with the decision. It’s a whole life adjustment. However I did love living by myself, it was so freeing! Not having some useless lump playing PC games all day and making zero contribution to the house. I could do whatever I liked, it was wonderful.

Equally though you’re 25. You could be 39 and saying ‘but I’ve been with him for 19 years’. Can you imagine doing this? Only you’ll have two kids, be utterly worn down and exhausted from bringing them up whilst he’s spent 19 years doing nothing. You only have to read the relationship boards to see endless posts from women in situations where they do everything and are on their knees with exhaustion and their partners do nothing. Only they have children and are stuck. It’s much much harder to leave. That was the one thing everyone said to me, was thank god you weren’t married or had children. You have no ties with him.

I had no ties, and infact everything was mine as I’d bought it all! Thank god we weren’t tied, do you know why? Because I had savings. Savings that enabled me to buy our first house when I married. My ex could have no claim in them.

What are you clinging on to? Is it the hope he’ll suddenly say ‘oh darling I’m so sorry, you’ve been right all along and I need to get off my arse’. He really isn’t going to do that. Why would he? You do it all! He has no motivation. He doesn’t care. He may care when you choose to dump him, but is that because he will all of a sudden have to do his own washing? He’ll possibly ‘change’ for all of five minutes but it won’t mean anything. It will be enough to make you stay for a bit longer until he slips back to old habits. It’s all false promises, none of it will mean anything. Or he’ll make you feel bad and you’ll feel guilty so won’t leave.

I would be questioning why you don’t think you deserve better. You’re pinning all your hopes and dreams on someone who doesn’t share them. He has none. Just seriously think if you want to live the rest of you life like this, and whether taking a leap is actually the best thing you could do.

Leave! Asap!

That feeling of freedom is WONDERFUL! I could sit in the lounge reading, with the TV off. I didn't have to have sport on the TV when he was home. I could have my friends round, whenever I liked.

It was all little things, but they made such a difference. And I was truly happy.

You too can have all this, but you've got to take that leap of faith.