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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to walk away from him?

144 replies

Pennyeleanor · 24/08/2019 21:58

I do love my DP but he’s a very different person now to the way he was and our relationship is very different. We’ve been together for 5 years.
He has absolutely no hobbies other than watching tv. His day begins at 12pm when he wakes up. I do all the cleaning and shopping while he’s asleep. For the rest of the day and into the early hours of the night, all he does is sit around watching tv. I’m not even exaggerating. He does nothing else. I ask him how his day has been and it’s the same story. Nothing changes. Every day the response is ‘I’m fine. Just been watching tv’.
He doesn’t drive so we don’t go out anywhere. He claims not to have enough money for us to go on holiday but whenever he does have some money, he spends it by drinking and going out nearly every weekend.
He has no ambition: he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life. He quit his job 2 years ago and still has no clue what he’s going to do. ‘It’ll all fall into place eventually’ is the response I get.
Don’t get me wrong, I do love him. But, I’m sick to death of the laziness, the boredom, the lack of forward planning.
I do all the work round the house but he treats the house like a pig sty- for example he spits out his chewing gum anywhere; on tables, on the sink. Complete lack of respect and pride in our home.
This is exceptionally shallow but In the last 2 years, he went from being a healthy gym addict to someone unrecognisable.
AIBU to think there’s someone better out there who actually does something with their day? Who wants to travel and explore and work hard?

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 25/08/2019 07:43

Oh, and if he says 'I'll change!', great. Still tell him to move out and when he gets himself together, to give you a call. It's unlikely to happen any time soon, but I just don't want you to get into the cycle of failed promises and ultimatums.

And BTW, the gum leaving is absolutely rank. That's a ditchable offence in its own right.

LambBeefandHedgehog · 25/08/2019 07:53

Do you really think this is the best you can do?

Of course you need to end it. You’ll look back and think ‘wtf did I put up with that for, for that long’?

AloneLonelyLoner · 25/08/2019 07:53

Are you living with my lazy ex-stoner son?

If so, leave now. I'll come and help pack for you.

Passionaria · 25/08/2019 08:17

he said ‘I do stuff. I spend time with you and I watch tv'
Will this be written on his gravestone? Lazy McLazeface, he watched TV.

Even if he is depressed or if it's the effects of having smoked cannabis, any changes in his life are going to have to be made by him. He may not be ambitious - not everyone is - but the idea of spending the next 40 years doing what he's doing now should in theory scare the bollocks off him.

But what he should do and will do are different things. Penny, you have choices.

AIBU to think there’s someone better out there who actually does something with their day? Who wants to travel and explore and work hard? You already know the answer to this.

MissMogwai · 25/08/2019 08:40

Leaving will seem like the hardest thing you've ever done. But it will also be the best thing.

He does sound depressed, which is a shame for him. I've suffered with depression myself so I'm saying this with empathy for him, but you need to end this.

Put yourself first. Think of all the exciting things you can do without him holding you back. It's not being a bitch or selfish, it's self-preservation.

Of course there are other men out there, but stuff that for now. Think of the amazing life you will have and the freedom!

FilthyforFirth · 25/08/2019 08:46

I couldnt read past spitting gum out wherever he pleases. Good grief woman have some self respect and get rid of him ASAP.

Purplerain16 · 25/08/2019 08:52

Leave. And don't look back.

Just explain to him that you think the relationship has run its course & you're 2 very different people now. You want to end things on good terms but it's time to go your separate ways.

My ex was like this, it was AWFUL. I'm just glad I was still young (your age) when I left him, as it gave me chance to meet someone more suited to me.

ElleDubloo · 25/08/2019 08:53

It’s time to leave, OP! You’re very good for putting up with him, but you can’t fix him and he doesn’t want you to. You won’t sound mean at all, just explain that you’ve drifted apart. 25 is way to young to be living the type of life you are! (If you’re married with 3 kids at the age of 45 with no job of your own, then it’ll be hard to leave!)

Lowlandlucky · 25/08/2019 09:25

Please dont walk away instead run like the devil is chasing you.

Pardonwhat · 25/08/2019 09:41

Jesus he sounds like a pig.

minibroncs · 25/08/2019 09:55

The good memories are already in the past - and you keep them regardless of whether the relationship ends or not. The end of a relationship doesn't obliterate all the good it brought into your life in the past. It's natural to grieve when things end, but that doesn't mean it wasn't right that they ended.

It's not bringing good into your life in the present. It's sad you think this level of disrespect is ok.

I think you love the person he was when you first got together, I think you love your memories of the good times you shared in the past, and I think you love the dreams and hopes you had for your future together. I don't think you love the reality you have in the present and the real future you face.

Sometimes you have to remember to prioritise respecting, loving, and caring about yourself enough to walk away from things that are damaging you or wrong for you. Focus on putting on your own life jacket and taking care of it instead of worrying about other people's while you drown.

Aprillygirl · 25/08/2019 10:08

He gets his money either through online betting or from his parents

So he's a gambler to boot PLUS his parents enable his lazy lifestyle as well as you! Jeez no wonder he's has no incentive to grow the fuck up, or indeed get help with depression if that is his underlying problem. No excuses for his disgusting chewing gum habit, that is just disrespectful and rude! Do you ever confront him with that shit, or just meekly clean up after him? Why are you so bothered about looking like a bitch if you end it when he shows absolutely no respect towards your feeling?

Nanny0gg · 25/08/2019 10:12

Do you have family?
What on earth do they think of him?

I'd be horrified if he was my daughter's partner.

There is absolutely nothing there to love.

Get out.

seven201 · 25/08/2019 10:20

Definitely end it. Imagine your life in 5 years still with him. And again in 5 years without him.

LambBeefandHedgehog · 25/08/2019 10:53

He is disgusting and happy for you to do everything.

I can’t work out what you love about him, like seriously? He does nothing. He watches tv, gambles and drinks at a weekend. What a catch!

He isn’t going to change, he doesn’t want to change. He told you this, but you’re clinging on to some magical hope that he might suddenly see the light. It’s not going to happen.

You don’t love him, you love what he used to be. That person has gone, the door is shut. He’s a habit because you don’t know anything else. Why do you think you’d regret dumping him? He’s a weight dragging you down. If I was your parent I would be silently screaming at you to break up with him.

Why not be single, of course it’s a scary thought but plenty of us have done it. Do all the things he’s holding you back from doing, have fun, go out, travel. You’ll realise then what a mistake staying with him would have been. Don’t waste your life.

Clutterbugsmum · 25/08/2019 10:55

It may be only when you leave him will he actually grow up and start being a fully functioning adult.

On the practical side of things stop doing things for him, he got plenty of time to sort his washing, cooking and cleaning up out.

Who name is your home in, if rented in joint names how long before you can give notice and look for a home of your own.

You do not be living like this for another 5 years let alone another 40 and having children thrown in to the mix for you to 100 % to look after.

And no I don't believe he is depressed, he just a lazy teenager who's parents didn't parent him enough to make him in to a fully function adult.

PinPon · 25/08/2019 10:57

End it. End of.

There’s a much better life out there for you without him.

InterestingView · 25/08/2019 11:12

OP you're not answering any questions. Do you rent/own a house? Will you need his income (be it his parents money etc) if you kick him out? Is it easier for you to move home and him to move to his parents and give up your place together (if you do have a home together) he needs a massive kick up the arse and you need to do this. Move on, you're so young you're missing so much by being with this toss pot.

Pennyeleanor · 25/08/2019 11:14

Do you have family?
What on earth do they think of him?

I’m not sure. My parents try not to get involved as they say it’s nothing to do with them and they don’t want to interfere. I think they do like him but don’t like his behaviour but wouldn’t want to influence me by saying anything

OP posts:
avocadotofu · 25/08/2019 11:15

Please leave him. He sounds awful!!!

Pennyeleanor · 25/08/2019 11:16

We rent our house and though it would be a struggle long term, I could afford the rent myself. In terms of finances and the logistics, I could manage on my own. Emotionally, I’m not sure.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 25/08/2019 11:22

You are 25 - you have your whole life ahead of you - don’t waste it with him.

Why wouldn’t you cope emotionally? How does he help you now? Surely the way he makes you feel now isn’t worth it?

Why do you love him? You haven’t listed any redeeming features. How does he show he loves you? Love is a verb - how does he demonstrate it?

InterestingView · 25/08/2019 11:30

OP emotionally you're not sure?! About what?? He is a waste of space. WAKE UP.

ElleDubloo · 25/08/2019 11:35

@Pennyeleanor Share a flat with a friend for a bit, while you get your confidence back :)

Pardonwhat · 25/08/2019 11:44

Or get a lodger? You’ve got a cocklodger now.

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