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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to walk away from him?

144 replies

Pennyeleanor · 24/08/2019 21:58

I do love my DP but he’s a very different person now to the way he was and our relationship is very different. We’ve been together for 5 years.
He has absolutely no hobbies other than watching tv. His day begins at 12pm when he wakes up. I do all the cleaning and shopping while he’s asleep. For the rest of the day and into the early hours of the night, all he does is sit around watching tv. I’m not even exaggerating. He does nothing else. I ask him how his day has been and it’s the same story. Nothing changes. Every day the response is ‘I’m fine. Just been watching tv’.
He doesn’t drive so we don’t go out anywhere. He claims not to have enough money for us to go on holiday but whenever he does have some money, he spends it by drinking and going out nearly every weekend.
He has no ambition: he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life. He quit his job 2 years ago and still has no clue what he’s going to do. ‘It’ll all fall into place eventually’ is the response I get.
Don’t get me wrong, I do love him. But, I’m sick to death of the laziness, the boredom, the lack of forward planning.
I do all the work round the house but he treats the house like a pig sty- for example he spits out his chewing gum anywhere; on tables, on the sink. Complete lack of respect and pride in our home.
This is exceptionally shallow but In the last 2 years, he went from being a healthy gym addict to someone unrecognisable.
AIBU to think there’s someone better out there who actually does something with their day? Who wants to travel and explore and work hard?

OP posts:
TheZeppo · 24/08/2019 23:53

Am I missing this: how does he pay rent/bills/drinking if he’s not working?

Pennyeleanor · 24/08/2019 23:56

He gets his money either through online betting or from his parents

OP posts:
Livingoncake · 25/08/2019 00:00

OP, he’s sounding worse with each message you post.

whattodowith · 25/08/2019 00:04

I’m assuming this is your first serious relationship given your age and you have been together a fairly long time, I understand why it’s difficult to break away. I think you’re left with no choice but to leave though, it doesn’t sound as though he is going to improve any time soon.

You’re working and running the household while he sits around watching shit on TV all day, nice one. Are you positive he has quit pot? I only ask because all the pot smokers I have known have been lazy twats with zero ambition...

1Morewineplease · 25/08/2019 00:07

There is someone better out there for you. He’s taking you for granted big time. You deserve so much more.

Pennyeleanor · 25/08/2019 00:10

I’m assuming this is your first serious relationship given your age and you have been together a fairly long time, I understand why it’s difficult to break away

Thanks, that’s definitely a big part of why I’m struggling! I’ve never had to deal with this before. I’ve never even had to dump someone!

OP posts:
HeffaLump1 · 25/08/2019 00:14

Quite a few of us have asked what you see in him, and why on earth you would stay. Ive yet to see you answer.

Have you any reason for staying, or is it just habit?

Pennyeleanor · 25/08/2019 00:20

I guess I’m afraid to let go. Afraid that I’ll regret ending things. This is my first relationship and we’ve been together for 5 years which makes it hard because I’m remembering all the good memories we have

OP posts:
HeffaLump1 · 25/08/2019 00:25

Ending it might just be the kick up the bum he needs. He may sort himself out and actually end up being the man you want. Staying with him while he is being a lazy arse isnt the answer.

GloriousMystery · 25/08/2019 00:31

Why on earth would you regret ending things with this useless leech?

And I’m puzzled by your focus on wanting him to have ‘hobbies’. He’s been voluntarily unemployed for two years! Shouldn’t a job be his first step???

How does he fund his drinking with his friends? Who pays for the TV licence?

CJsGoldfish · 25/08/2019 04:02

Don't waste your life on someone who chooses not to work OP. What a shame this is your first relationship because you may otherwise have realised how shit it is. Raise your bar OP before it's too late and you are trapped, or at least tied to, this lazy lump forever.

AlwaysCheddar · 25/08/2019 06:20

Stop wasting your life. You’re young, you should be having fun!

BeanBag7 · 25/08/2019 06:42

Do you want to live like this for another 50 years? You're too young to throw away your life on a waste of space, it's not going to get any better.
Yes you've been together for 5 years. In another 5 years you'll be saying "oh but we've been together 10 years so it's hard to leave"
Tell him to leave, find a new boyfriend who respects you and takes you out and is fun; someone you can actually have a life with.

Shoxfordian · 25/08/2019 06:44

He's a waste of space. Tell him it's over
Can you rent on your own somewhere?

Qcng · 25/08/2019 06:55

How can he afford to live?

I wondered the same then OP said
He gets his money either through online betting or from his parents

I'm just imagining... Correct me if I'm wrong here, that the money you earn Penny goes on food/rent/bills for both of you, and the money he gets from gambling or his parents goes on himself? Maybe the occasional bill.

Are you supporting his layabout lifestyle by paying his way? Stop it now.

Dumping someone the first time is really hard!

Are you going to kick him out or leave yourself? What's the situation there?

ThinkGlow · 25/08/2019 06:55

You are so young. Don't waste your life living with a man that just isn't compatible with you.

It's not really about who is right/wrong or what habits you have, it's about whether you're compatible long-term.

Sounds like when you met he was working, went to gym, made an effort, but now things are different.

It's okay to end the relationship because you're not happy - in the end he won't/can't change who he is.

There's a guy out there who can offer so much more, so get yourself single to meet him :)

I know it's tough when it's your first serious relationship, but if it helps I had a similar dilemma at your age and looking back the only regret I have is not dumping him sooner! Grin

LoubyLou1234 · 25/08/2019 07:08

You need to end it however hard it may be. He isn't going to change right now wether he is depressed or just being a lazy arsehole.

The good memories you have aren't happening anymore. The man you fell for isn't there anymore. You are young and have so much life ahead of you to enjoy. You don't need to put up with this crap. Tell him to go, explain why and don't let him talk you round. Relationships are a two way street and are supposed to enhance your life. He does nothing for you and you do everything for him by the sound of it.

If your best mate or sister/cousin was in this relationship what would you advise them? Before you know it it could be ten years down the line you have a couple of kids and he is still the same maybe worse...

JengaNonConfirming · 25/08/2019 07:13

You say all the good memories hold you back from finishing it, but how many of those memories are from the last 2 years?

You're too young to be living this half life and you nneedto be brave and step into the future on your own. It's been like this for 2 years, nothing is going to change unless you change it! Flowers

Andersonx3 · 25/08/2019 07:14

I had this with my ex. All he wanted to do was play PlayStation and watch gamer blogs. I'm a huge car enthusiast so most of the time I'd be working on my cars or at a show. Eventually someone I knew through the car scene came along, as a friend, but I fell for him. I know it's awful, but comparing what I had at home to this person who was the exact same as me helped me move away. We're now married with our first baby due in November.

Walk away, I waited far too long. There is someone more suited to you out there - unless you're a secret TV addict too!

Witchinaditch · 25/08/2019 07:19

You’re too young to be tied down to a waster like this, if he is depressed that’s awful but unless he’s willing to talk to someone you can’t let it ruin your life also. The chewing gum thing would be enough for me. Honestly OP there is a whole big world out there waiting for you, please don’t waste anymore time with someone who doesn’t respect you just because “they are nice most of the time”

NabooThatsWho · 25/08/2019 07:23

He’s gross. You have outgrown him and it’s time to end it. Don’t stay because you have been together X amount of time. You get nothing out of this relationship and are clinging onto good memories when he isn’t that person any more.

Acceptance is the first step. You need to admit to yourself that it isn’t going to work. Deep down you know it. You have your whole life ahead of you, don’t waste any more of it with this loser.

ThinkGlow · 25/08/2019 07:25

The chewing gum thing is pretty grim.

Rainbowqueeen · 25/08/2019 07:26

Forget about the memories. That is the past
Think about your future. Do you want kids, travel, your own home

Yes there is a chance you may get them with this guy but only if you leave and he gets himself together. This is not going to happen while you are together

Get a plan. Whose name is the house is? If yours, he needs to go. Sit him down and tell him that it’s not working for either of you. That you both deserve to be happy. Tell him the decision is made, that there is nothing he can say to change that. Help him pack his stuff and drive him to his parents.
Then get some friends over, cry, eat bad food and move on with your life. He may get himself together, he may not. But If nothing changes, nothing changes

It will be hard in the short term but life is passing you by. Get back into life

MsTSwift · 25/08/2019 07:29

Oh my word run for hills op! You are allowed to end relationships you know - the huge majority of us have done it several times.

MsVestibule · 25/08/2019 07:39

Finishing a relationship is really hard for some people. The thought of doing it always made me feel so guilty (I had to do it 4 times, all with lovely men who I just didn't love) but good grief, the relief I felt once I'd done it was incredible!

Make a plan - can you afford the rent and bills on your own? Is it a joint tenancy? Will his parents have him back? If so, what do you consider to be a reasonable timescale for him to move out? Think about all of this and then have the 'it's not me, it's you' conversation.

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