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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4 year olds refusal to walk dictating weekends!

344 replies

Hannahlouise4026 · 24/08/2019 15:20

My dd is 5 in November.
Every weekend for the last few weeks/months have resulted in either me or my husband having to abandon whatever plan we had as a family to go home with her as she just lies down in the middle of the steeet and refuses to walk. She says her legs hurt (I know this to be a lie to get out of what she wants to do as she runs off with her friends, swims and dances ( all things she enjoys)
We also have a baby and a almost 6 year old ad well.
Examples -
• last weekend on the Sunday we decided to go to a local national trust castle with fantastic play park, and the promise of lunch. She refused to get out of the car, then rolled around in the ground. In the end my husband sat in the car with her while I took my eldest and baby to the park

•weekend before, we decided to walk to a local cafe with a little play area and get an ice lolly. A 10/15 min walk. We gave her option of using scooter if She wanted. As soon as we got to the end of our street she sat down and refused to move, begging husband to carry her.

•on Thursday we went swimming just myself and baby brother, pool is 2 minutes walk from our front door (literally can see our door from it!) and on the way back she lay on the ground and refused to walk, half an hour later, me standing beside her the whole time, she saw her friend and then ran off with her.

•today she was playing outside with her friends and as it’s a lovely day, we thought we’d take a walk to local park (10/15 min walk) got yo the end of our street and again the same thing happened. I ended up literally having to drag her back while pushing the pram. She’s now rolling around the floor, which will last for ages.

I’ve said she has to spend the next two days indoor, and no iPad/tv time. I’m not sure what other reasonable thing to suggest to stop this happening.

It’s ruining any family thing we do, my husband has one day off a week and we fee we can’t do anything as her refusal to walk/go anywhere ruins it for all of us.

She is smart, friendly, generally well behaved at other times, no developmental/behavioural concerns otherwise.

Please help as we are at the end of our tether.

OP posts:
SofiaAmes · 24/08/2019 17:09

This sounds like my DS but without the lying down and refusing to go. My DS at that age would just complain that he was really tired and that his legs hurt, after a not very long walk. For whatever reason maybe just Instinct I listen to him and didn't make him walk longer than he wanted to. Sometimes he would rally and play with his friends, but then be completely inactive for hours or days afterwards. And when dd came along two years later there was even more contrast because she was walking everywhere and DS would travel in her buggy instead. There was no obvious disability at the time. But six years later when he was 10, dS was diagnosed with a genetic disease that involved hypermobility, chronic fatigue, poor muscle development and a variety of other things that explained why he was always exhausted and in pain at 4 after what seemed like a relatively short walk. And he wasn't making it up, he actually was exhausted and in pain.
Your DD is telling you that she's tired. Perhaps you need to just take that at face value and work around it without being overly indulgent of the temper tantrum behavior that's going with it. The temper tantrum behavior seems to have arisen because you're not listening to her and it's how she gets your attention.

MrsWombat · 24/08/2019 17:10

Wise words from @Timandra. I think you just need to think outside the box for the real reason. My near 5 year old can have similar moments, and would gladly sit in a buggy if I let him. We normally pick him up and carry him with no fuss or extra attention.

Lowlandlucky · 24/08/2019 17:11

She doesnt like the attention the baby is getting such she throws a strop. Take her out for lunch, just the 2 of you,show her she is still special, if she still plays up get tough and tell her to get and move.

Goldensummer · 24/08/2019 17:12

I would definitely recommend a buggyboard! They are great!

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 24/08/2019 17:13

Hannahlouise4026 did she walk late (or late for your family - a lot later than her sister even if not that late)?

Hypermobility, Osgood Schlatter disease or undiagnosed patella instability after a fall you might not have realised had done any damage are worth checking out.

The fact she can run for a short time when she has motivation to ignore joint pain doesn't mean walking isn't painful.

Obviously she might be fine and just being a pickle (or might love and adore the baby whilst still being sad she isn't the baby any more - I remember being terribly sad I never got carried - my dad always carried my 18 months younger sister and my mum the baby, but I wasn't to be silly and always had to walk because I was the big girl - it was more about the closeness and specialness of being carried that made me sad to know nobody would ever carry me again in my 6 year old mind).

Either way you'll feel really shit if you find out in 3 years time she really was in pain...

HeffaLump1 · 24/08/2019 17:13

So when your husband just sat in the car with her was that all she did - sit? Or did she have books/toys to entertain her? If so that would be like a reward. And when she refuses to walk do you put her to bed?

I would as suggested take her to the docs for an assessment, but if nothing is found I would make sure the alternatives to joining in are as boring as possible.

MoaningMinnie1 · 24/08/2019 17:13

I wish I'd had the presence of mind to do the same when I was four!

aliteralAIBUforonce · 24/08/2019 17:14

Just a thought, how are her shoes?

They could be ok for a little while and rub after a long walk.

Ginnymweasley · 24/08/2019 17:15

I'm presuming she is starting school in September, I would check that she isn't anxious about that.
If you think that she might be in actual pain of course get it checked but it could just be that she doesnt want to do something/wants attention etc which obviously will have to be dealt with. How you do that is up to you.
But without any medical conditions she really should be able to walk 10 minutes with no problems. Maybe my dd is very unusual doing the half an hour walk to school and back again. Keeps us all fit though.

TreeSunset · 24/08/2019 17:16

I’d talk to her at a time when it isn’t an issue. I’d believe her if she’s in pain and take her to the doctor. There are plenty of conditions that cause you to be tired and unable to walk and then able to play the next minute. There is also the fact that she knows if she chooses to play with a friend and she’s in pain or tired she can stop it. But she knows that the start of a walk on a little g day out might be all or nothing, so she thinks she has to refuse as she knows half way around she’ll be in pain and she can’t complain then as you’ll make her continue.

My mother didn’t listen when I was in pain when I was younger. The result was I stopped telling her everything, moved out when I could and got diagnosed. Only know decades down the line to we have any form of contact.

ConkerGame · 24/08/2019 17:16

My brother did this a lot when he was 3-4. My dad just carried him everywhere until his friends told him it was babyish and then he stopped. I went through a phase when I was 8-9 and my parents would just walk off and leave me so I’d have to run after them to catch up!

Hoodiesallsummer · 24/08/2019 17:19

I have two dc who have always refused to walk, extending to refusing to get out of the car or refusing to leave a place. They are both diagnosed with complex behavioural difficulties.

actuallyquitesmall · 24/08/2019 17:21

she really is that stubborn, and it's impossible to negotiate with

Don't negotiate! You are the grown-ups in this situation and are in charge, she does not get to decide. You tell her, what's going to happen, and then follow through, whether she likes it or not.

breaconoptimist · 24/08/2019 17:23

@Hannahlouise4026 definitely get her checked out professionally to make sure there is no reason why it really is harder for her to walk. My 4 yo has been a terrible walker always, and really slow when she does walk. We finally self referred to OT and there are problems & I wish we'd done it sooner.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 24/08/2019 17:24

The thing is a 10-15 minutes walk is fine for us and fine for a child in a buggy but at age 4 that is quite far to walk and if you're regularly doing that maybe she IS tired.

Grinmy 4 year old walks 30 mins at my quick pace to school each day and has done since he was 3. Occasionally he has a sit down protest on the way home if he's very tired but he walks miles with no fuss because he's used to it. Maybe make walking a regular thing if you can and use the car less? I don't drive so ds has no choice. We've done a 5 mile walk in the Peak District today and he's done it with no complaints. They do still get tired at this age though and find walking dull but I'd have no patience for complaining about 10-15 minutes! I would t pander to it and I agree no playing if she's too tired to walk to get to the park.

breaconoptimist · 24/08/2019 17:26

and I also tend to agree with hoodiesallsummer, one dd does have physical issues that make walking harder and the other one has turned out to have problems with transitions and coping with stress/anxiety.

My DD didn't cope well with the transition to having a sibling despite getting one on one time also.

downbutnotout2018 · 24/08/2019 17:27

This would boil my piss too. It sounds like she likes the power! Can you retreat to a safe distance and hide so she panics a bit. Mean but perhaps what's needed?!

JacquesHammer · 24/08/2019 17:29

Can you retreat to a safe distance and hide so she panics a bit

That’s awful advice.

nicenewdusters · 24/08/2019 17:32

Although it's unlikely, if you're going to consider any physical reasons, bear in mind scoliosis. I never liked walking as a child, and became uncomfortable quite quickly. My parents just assumed, as did I, that I was a bit lazy ! It was only ever an issue when walking, not swimming, running etc. I was diagnosed much later in life with mild scoliosis, which still only affects me when I walk.

It does sound more like an emotional, social issue with your dd though. As others have said, what's her motivation and what's the reward/outcome that she's seeking.

Thistle86 · 24/08/2019 17:36

You need to stop giving into her and picking her up/cancelling activities.

Go through this occasionally with my son (also 4).

If he refuses to move, then I tel him I’m going to go off and have fun without him. I then walk off slowly and leave him and don’t look back until I’m a bit further away. Then I call to him are you coming. If he doesn’t follow I keep going and then repeat again. Don’t look back in between.

He always follows (scared of being left alone) and then when he catches up I just move on and don’t mention it again. Rarely happens now. Good luck x

Span1elsRock · 24/08/2019 17:43

I would book a GP visit just to be on the safe side to rule out anything physically being wrong. It would be cruel to discipline a child that genuinely is in pain. My middle DD used to get growth spurts that would leave her crying in pain with her legs - we found homeopathic remedies helped, and making sure walks/activities were manageable.

However if there is nothing wrong, you need to take a stand here. 5 year olds are a piece of pie in comparison to dealing with a teenager, and she needs to know that she's not the one in charge here, which at the moment she is.

I would get a buggy, strap her in and don't let her out. She'll soon catch on that she's the one missing out, not the rest of you.

adaline · 24/08/2019 17:43

The thing is a 10-15 minutes walk is fine for us and fine for a child in a buggy but at age 4 that is quite far to walk and if you're regularly doing that maybe she IS tired.

Eh? A 4/5 year old should be more than capable of walking 15 minutes!

Jellybeansincognito · 24/08/2019 17:44

It sounds really annoying but on each occasion she gets away with it so will probably just keep repeating it, it’s a game now I guess.

You need to sit her down and explain that since she’s being so tired you’re worried and will be making bed time earlier along with a GP appointment.

Jellybeansincognito · 24/08/2019 17:45

Definitely stop sitting in the car with her though. She doesn’t sound disciplined at all, considering you’re saying she’s absolutely not in pain.

My daughter is 5 in February and I absolutely would not pander to this (if I genuinely thought she wasn’t in pain, like yourself).

Yabbers · 24/08/2019 17:46

She says her legs hurt (I know this to be a lie to get out of what she wants to do as she runs off with her friends, swims and dances

You know your daughter better than anyone else, but are you sure she isn’t telling the truth?

DD has a disability that affects her walking. She struggles with distance and tires really easily. We give her the choice of wheelchair or frame and usually she chooses her frame, but traipsing round the supermarket when all she can think about is how sore her legs are, is a struggle for her. On the flip side, she can be out and about playing with her friends for ages and seemingly her legs are fine. Only later when pressed will she admit it did hurt after about half an hour but she powered through because she wanted to keep up with her friends. She is then on her bum for the rest of the day and can’t do anything. It might not be as simple as “she plays with friends so she must be lying”

Just a thought.