4 year olds refusal to walk dictating weekends!

[Hannahlouise4026]

My dd is 5 in November.
Every weekend for the last few weeks/months have resulted in either me or my husband having to abandon whatever plan we had as a family to go home with her as she just lies down in the middle of the steeet and refuses to walk. She says her legs hurt (I know this to be a lie to get out of what she wants to do as she runs off with her friends, swims and dances ( all things she enjoys)
We also have a baby and a almost 6 year old ad well.
Examples -
• last weekend on the Sunday we decided to go to a local national trust castle with fantastic play park, and the promise of lunch. She refused to get out of the car, then rolled around in the ground. In the end my husband sat in the car with her while I took my eldest and baby to the park

•weekend before, we decided to walk to a local cafe with a little play area and get an ice lolly. A 10/15 min walk. We gave her option of using scooter if She wanted. As soon as we got to the end of our street she sat down and refused to move, begging husband to carry her.

•on Thursday we went swimming just myself and baby brother, pool is 2 minutes walk from our front door (literally can see our door from it!) and on the way back she lay on the ground and refused to walk, half an hour later, me standing beside her the whole time, she saw her friend and then ran off with her.

•today she was playing outside with her friends and as it’s a lovely day, we thought we’d take a walk to local park (10/15 min walk) got yo the end of our street and again the same thing happened. I ended up literally having to drag her back while pushing the pram. She’s now rolling around the floor, which will last for ages.

I’ve said she has to spend the next two days indoor, and no iPad/tv time. I’m not sure what other reasonable thing to suggest to stop this happening.

It’s ruining any family thing we do, my husband has one day off a week and we fee we can’t do anything as her refusal to walk/go anywhere ruins it for all of us.

She is smart, friendly, generally well behaved at other times, no developmental/behavioural concerns otherwise.

Please help as we are at the end of our tether.

So is the OP's daughter an explosive child? It doesn't sound like it to me.

The thing is a 10-15 minutes walk is fine for us and fine for a child in a buggy but at age 4 that is quite far to walk

Really? That surprises me, I would think 10-15 minutes is actually a pretty short walk for a 4 year old.

May be capable but it's understandable that it'd make them tired and therefore they may not want to.

Leave her having a tantrum.. Walk off. If it becomes so unbearable
Home and day in bed. No toys no books nothing...make sure others are having fun and she knows she's missing out.

You've already said it can't be her legs ache as she does classes etc and when she plays she's fine.

My ds at 4 used to have almighty tantrums.. I pandered at first. The realised I'm letting him get what he wants.. I hardened up and it stopped very quickly

Even now we've suggested days out and on the day he's said he's too tired and wants to stay at home. Normally if it's not a day focused on spending a bomb on him.
So we just say OK stay here.. We remove the WiFi and turn all. Sockets off at the main supply. As he solely wants to sit and eat crap playing the xbox.
He soon. Realises that it's not all about him. Some days are just family walks etc. But it's good to get out.

I think I would use the stroller .yes she is a little old now,But she will soon be going to school?.That will maybe show her that "big " girls dont need it !.Also she now has a 5 month old baby brother ,and he has the pram and Mummy as well!.Maybe she just likes the thought of being babied a bit .She is still only a very small girl .Hopefully by half term she will be running around .!

Reins - she won’t like those! Then when you get where you are going no treats just sitting down with the reins on.

I don't know the Ops daughter to say. I was referring to those saying just walk on and she will soon catch up. It doesn't work with some children just like the naughty/time out step doesn't work on some children either.

The time out step worked a treat for my dd for instance whereas it did nothing for my ds.

My 4 year old walks to school which is a 30 minute walk. We do almost daily walks that are longer than 10 minutes. I don't have a car so we have to walk or we don't go out. She has been walking most places since she was 3.
When she does the "I'm too tired" thing. I send her for a lie down. It soon stops it.

If your child is really too tired and her legs are really too hurty to walk - bed

If your child is pretending to be too tired and pretending that her legs are too hurty to walk because she's manipulative - bed

Sorted

Mine did this when he was 2, every single morning and evening on the way to and from childcare. Just lying on the floor and screaming. I used to pick him up but it made it worse so then I would just stand next to him and ignore until it finished.

Went on for months though and was physically and emotionally draining but I persisted without the pram and now he is a great walker.

Dd used to moan about walking when she was about 4/5 and I remember carrying her to school a lot
She used to complain her legs hurt
Turns out she has flat feet and she did have pain in her legs

Definitely start dealing with it now.

Way too much pandering. No one child should ever be allowed to rule the roost.

No technology at all, "you are too tired at the moment for technology pet".

Respond to refusals kindly with "oh you poor pet, you must be tired".
Stage this near home once or twice so it's easy to bring her home, up to her room to rest. Don't give in.

Next time she has an opportunity to play with a friend, refuse it "because she's too tired to walk when we are out, she needs to rest". All said in the kindest of voices.

Invariably children only change their behaviour because of self interest.

Consistency is key with children. Once they see you mean business, they usually fall into line.

G'luck

I'd just stand and wait for her to grow up and walk.

I've done with my DD before. After 10mins she realised we weren't going to carry her and woukdnt go home so got on with it.

Have you actually had her checked out by the doctor to rule out any physical issues?

Please tell me your husband didn’t really just sit in the car with her. Wow she’s really ruling the roost isn’t she. I would put her in a buggy and refuse to let her out to play whilst her siblings enjoy themselves on the play area. Alternatively I would let her throw a tantrum and leave her (whilst watching to keep an eye on her. God I hate other peoples’ kids 😩

My boy refused to walk a ten minute walk at age 3-4. Used to have a massive paddy and I'd have to half drag him on the school run.
Turns out he had Hypermobility and flat feet that caused pain. My God did I feel guilty when he was diagnosed and he said to me "Mummy, that's why I couldn't walk, my feet hurt too much!" I thought he was being lazy!
He's 9 now and still sometimes needs mobility aids such as crutches and a wheelchair from time to time.

When younger and still now my dc are ultra active and v slim compared to class mates.

Younger dd could walk for a long time, not even walking but running, jumping up on verges, running round trees shooting up trees.

She sometimes didn't want too and we just carried her or put her in a stroller.
Maybe she feels jealous her dB is being pushed and she's too young to process these feelings.

I wouldn't get rock hard nasty ton of bricks on her. I bet if you simply put her in a stroller and didn't make any fuss she would soon be out of it running around!

Forget all the word like ruling the roost, dictating, firm, controlling, winning, getting her own way, etc. They aren't helpful and just encourage a battle of wills that causes distress to everyone concerned without bringing any benefit.

This behaviour is communication. She is struggling with something and she doesn't understand it or know how to communicate it to you more effectively.

It sounds like she finds it hard to be out of the house. I've seen it a lot in children with ASD. They often find it easier to be in a pushchair because it provides them with a social and physical protective shell. lying on the floor saying their legs don't work or hurt is about shutting down - an internal meltdown. Sometimes just stopping and letting it run its course can help.

There's no point in trying to modify a behaviour using rewards or punishments until you understand it. Take some time to step back and think about what you're observing. When and where it happens most. Who is usually around. What she is wearing. What she has eaten recently. Whether there has been a lot of other social interaction going on. What her sleep has been like. If it happens around a recently dropped nap time. Look for other indicators of pain or anxiety. Consider boundaries around behaviour and whether they are firm enough/too stringent/unpredictable.

Children only generally try to take control if they are feeling insecure or uncomfortable about something.

There could be all sorts of reasons behind the behaviour. Finding them is the key.

If a pushchair would help, why not try offering one for a while? You could then ask her why she likes it. Help her with words to describe how she feels as her vocabulary around that will be quite limited at the moment.

Is it always your DH who stays with her? If so maybe she's doing this for more time with her daddy. Can he give her a piggy back?
Maybe when she wants to do something say that your legs hurt?

@Goldensummer
I agree, she really is that stubborn, and it’s impossible to negotiate with - I’ve literally dragged her the whole way home on occasion, when I’ve had the pram and the other child so there is no other way to get home. I feel awful afterwards as she’s screaming saying I’m hurting her while trying to drag her under my arm, I let go and she just lies down again. It’s physicallg and mentally draining. And the looks from passerby’s don’t help. We’ve walked off and said we’re leaving and she doesn’t care she just stays in the same place.

As a Mum of 8 children I'd say

1. Get her checked out by a professional. She may genuinely have pain that she either ignores/is distracted from when the reward/activity is high enough/extremely engaging. She could easily have some hyper mobility issue or even simple growing pains.

1. Get a buggy board - preferably one with a seat that will allow a win win for everyone!! She can hop on and off and sit when she wants and the family don't have to ditch an activity simply because she doesn't want to walk. Out of my 8 I've had some that are willing to walk for miles aged 2/3 and others who at 5 were still on the buggy board.

1. Give her loads of positive reinforcement when she does walk - no matter how small the distance is. Reinforcing how walking makes her muscles and bones strong and keeps her healthy.

May be capable but it's understandable that it'd make them tired and therefore they may not want to.

Physical issues aside (and some people have suggested flat feet so it may be worth going to the GP) if they are tired walking 10-15 minutes then they need more practice and to get fitter.

Obviously with ASD etc there are additional challenges but there is no indication as far as I can see that the OP's daughter isn't NT.

Quite simply a 4 year old who is perfectly capable of walking should be expected to do so, without being carried or it being seen as a big deal.

I also refused to walk as a child and got very upset. I was also stubborn and walking away didn't work. However, I am hypermobile and even now walking does hurt. I would rule out any physical problems before going scorched earth like some people suggest

So OP is she like this over other things too? Perhaps that does point to a physical issue.