To say either we get a cleaner or I work part time

[Boules]

Am due to move in with DP in the next few weeks. He works long hours from home and only really cleans and tidies when the house gets to quite a disgusting level, then will blitz the whole thing. I prefer to keep stuff tidy and clean, not to an obsessive level but so that it’s pleasant to be in. He hates cleaning (obviously I love it ) and just will not do it on a day to day basis, I’m not naive enough to think this will ever change. I’ve said to him that when I move in either we will have to get a cleaner or I will work part time and do the cleaning on the other days I would have worked. AIBU?

Either way he wins. In both scenarios he gets someone (a woman most likely!) To clean up after him.

The only way I would consider this would be to clean myself, but deduct the equivalent cleaning rate to my contribution to bills.

Get a housekeeper! They’re even better. Mine does everything. DH and I haven’t lifted a finger since she started leaving us lots of extra time to have chill out after work, travel and enjoys each other’s company!

Get a cleaner but clean the bits you want when you want.

I can't even fathom why someone would consider going down to part time working to accommodate a man's laziness. Also if he works from home so he will more or less always be home, that would drive me bananas if he was messy. Are you sure this is what you want? It's not just he can't be arsed, it's disrespectful to whoever he expects to do it.

To be honest when DH and I were both working full time, the house got a blitz once a week (which we both did), and the dishwasher set off daily laundry etc when needed. It was fine, two adults don't make much mess. It's when you've got children, dogs etc it needs ramping up. Cleaners also don't tidy. If you're that incompatible maybe don't live together

Don't move in.

There will be lots of other issues which you haven't thought of, and they will drive you as mad as his laziness, dirt and squalor.

I presume he never cleans toilets either?

SheSaidNoFuckThat
@timshelthechoice we have been together 18 years and it's worked just fine for us, certainly haven't flushed my life down the loo (admittedly we are married now and mortgage in joint names - but wasn't that way for first 5/6 years)

I'm very happy for you that it worked out but it's not much comfort to the many women and children who, with little to no notice, get kicked out of their partner's house. I've seen many threads where women would have bet on their lives that their partners were too lovely, they wouldn't do that, until she finds herself homeless.

Is the OP going to come back other than with 'I'll get a cleaner'? I would like to know what she thinks now. Has she changed her mind? If not, why not?

Start lobbing his mess out of the window, worked with my DC`s when they were teenagers

That’s a different situation. They are kids living in YOUR house. The OPs boyfriend is living in his own house. If he is ok with it being disgusting it’s up to him. He might have to agree to change his ways if he wants the OP to move in but ultimately it’s his choice. Personally I wouldnt move in with him.
I think the OP is being silly to think she can change him once she moves in or that she can work around his disgustingness. He is OK with his house being in a state. He isn’t pretending otherwise. It’s his choice.

The person who isn't doing the housework pays for the cleaner. But I'm not certain that that is a long-term solution.

@SilverySurfer my first post asked her if she wanted to go part time, maybe she does and this is a good "excuse" for her to do so, unless she comes back and answers the question we will never know. All relationships are different, maybe she hates her job and this would be a way or reducing it

My DH periodically suggests getting a cleaner. (He works ft , i work pt 25 hours) He very rarely does any cleaning, and most days drops his clothes wherever he takes them off, whether that be socks in the lounge , or the rest of his clothes in our bedroom. I know a cleaner wouldn't (and shouldn't) pick up his stuff and i would still end up doing it so I'd rather save the money

Sorry but your DH is a lazy man child full of male entitlement. He knows damn well you will pick his shit up. He has zero respect for you as a person and every single time he drops his socks on the floor for you to pick up he is putting you in your place.

Why does he think picking up after himself is so beneath him, yet perfectly ok for you to do it?

Cleaner all the way, one less thing to argue about.

Cleaners can only clean tidy houses!!